Title: Moving On
Author: Meriamon
Email: meriamon@gmx.net
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Meridian
Warnings: Character Death (well, kind of)
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or any of the characters (though I would love to). So I borrowed them, just having fun, not making money.
Author's Notes: I've always wanted to write a story beginning with "I am dead". Here it is.
I am dead. I don't breathe, my heart doesn't beat. My body doesn't exist anymore. But I'm still me.
I don't know where I am. A higher plane of existence. It's what I wanted, it's what I've chosen. It was the right thing to do. Even if I don't feel like a higher being right now. I just feel ... lost.
I can't allow myself to think of all that I have lost, all that I have left behind, deliberately. Not now. I made my decision. Don't look back.
There's no real regret. The dark slowly fades away, now I can see. It's a new world in front of me, a whole new world to explore. It feels strange - to feel without a body. I wonder if I am really the same. That same Daniel Jackson with his allergies and glasses. Now only energy. Funny that our body matters so much to us when we are alive.
Alive? I am still alive, but it is such a different kind of life than that I had lived before. I'm ascended. I don't know what that means. It doesn't mean I am better in any way than the people I've left behind. I'm not. Maybe different but never better.
I hope I'll be able to achieve anything this way. More than I could achieve in my life - my other life. I don't want to see people die anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone again. I think of all the failures, of all those I couldn't help and of those that would have had a better life without me. I've already left that burden behind. I forgave myself though I can't forget.
It will be easier now to do the right thing.
I try to look around, to discover where I am. It's still so new to me, so strange and beautiful. There's nothing that seems to have any substance. It's all light, light and energy. I want to walk closer, I want to touch it, but it's already here beside me, I can already feel it without any fingers to touch.
"You have taken the first step of your journey." It is not a voice I hear. It is not telepathy, not like a thought in my head (of course not, I don't have a head anymore). It is a completely different form of communication, it is incredible. I've never experienced anything like that. A mixture of feeling and ... knowing, just knowing.
"Yes, it's wonderful," I answer Oma Desala. I'm surprised how easy it is to communicate this way. It just feels natural. I wonder if there is really some truth in the Babel myth. All those different languages I studied ... and they are no use. Now I don't need any languages to talk.
I don't feel alone anymore. Oma is here, and lots of others. I know they are different beings, I can distinguish their appearances now, yet they feel united. We feel united. I am a part of all that. All is one, and one is all. I am myself, I am Daniel, but I am more than that. I connect to everyone, to everything around me. The border between "me" and "them" is blurring. It is a bit like these special moments, only more powerful, much more powerful, these special moments when I was alone and looked up to the stars, and suddenly felt a bond with everyone out there in the universe.
It feels comfortable, it feels like ... home. Though when I think of home, I think of the place I called home all those years. Of my friends, of Jack and Sam and Teal'c, of the SGC, of Janet threatening me with needles when I return from an offworld mission, of laughing about some silly joke. Now that is weird, but laughing is one of the things I miss most about not having a solid body. Sure, when I'm happy the others will know it, I can express all my feelings without words or body language. But there's nothing like a good laugh. I suppose I'll get used to things like this. Like I'll get used to calling this place home.
A wise man once said "The only constant in life is change". Maybe the feeling of loss will never disappear completely. But I don't want to make the fault again, the fault that I destroyed everything because I wasn't able to let go. Now I try not to cling to the familiar things. There will always be the memories I can hold on to. So I am here, and there is a whole new world, and there are marvellous things to learn. I miss what I left behind, but deep down inside I know it was right to move on.
Author: Meriamon
Email: meriamon@gmx.net
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Meridian
Warnings: Character Death (well, kind of)
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or any of the characters (though I would love to). So I borrowed them, just having fun, not making money.
Author's Notes: I've always wanted to write a story beginning with "I am dead". Here it is.
I am dead. I don't breathe, my heart doesn't beat. My body doesn't exist anymore. But I'm still me.
I don't know where I am. A higher plane of existence. It's what I wanted, it's what I've chosen. It was the right thing to do. Even if I don't feel like a higher being right now. I just feel ... lost.
I can't allow myself to think of all that I have lost, all that I have left behind, deliberately. Not now. I made my decision. Don't look back.
There's no real regret. The dark slowly fades away, now I can see. It's a new world in front of me, a whole new world to explore. It feels strange - to feel without a body. I wonder if I am really the same. That same Daniel Jackson with his allergies and glasses. Now only energy. Funny that our body matters so much to us when we are alive.
Alive? I am still alive, but it is such a different kind of life than that I had lived before. I'm ascended. I don't know what that means. It doesn't mean I am better in any way than the people I've left behind. I'm not. Maybe different but never better.
I hope I'll be able to achieve anything this way. More than I could achieve in my life - my other life. I don't want to see people die anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone again. I think of all the failures, of all those I couldn't help and of those that would have had a better life without me. I've already left that burden behind. I forgave myself though I can't forget.
It will be easier now to do the right thing.
I try to look around, to discover where I am. It's still so new to me, so strange and beautiful. There's nothing that seems to have any substance. It's all light, light and energy. I want to walk closer, I want to touch it, but it's already here beside me, I can already feel it without any fingers to touch.
"You have taken the first step of your journey." It is not a voice I hear. It is not telepathy, not like a thought in my head (of course not, I don't have a head anymore). It is a completely different form of communication, it is incredible. I've never experienced anything like that. A mixture of feeling and ... knowing, just knowing.
"Yes, it's wonderful," I answer Oma Desala. I'm surprised how easy it is to communicate this way. It just feels natural. I wonder if there is really some truth in the Babel myth. All those different languages I studied ... and they are no use. Now I don't need any languages to talk.
I don't feel alone anymore. Oma is here, and lots of others. I know they are different beings, I can distinguish their appearances now, yet they feel united. We feel united. I am a part of all that. All is one, and one is all. I am myself, I am Daniel, but I am more than that. I connect to everyone, to everything around me. The border between "me" and "them" is blurring. It is a bit like these special moments, only more powerful, much more powerful, these special moments when I was alone and looked up to the stars, and suddenly felt a bond with everyone out there in the universe.
It feels comfortable, it feels like ... home. Though when I think of home, I think of the place I called home all those years. Of my friends, of Jack and Sam and Teal'c, of the SGC, of Janet threatening me with needles when I return from an offworld mission, of laughing about some silly joke. Now that is weird, but laughing is one of the things I miss most about not having a solid body. Sure, when I'm happy the others will know it, I can express all my feelings without words or body language. But there's nothing like a good laugh. I suppose I'll get used to things like this. Like I'll get used to calling this place home.
A wise man once said "The only constant in life is change". Maybe the feeling of loss will never disappear completely. But I don't want to make the fault again, the fault that I destroyed everything because I wasn't able to let go. Now I try not to cling to the familiar things. There will always be the memories I can hold on to. So I am here, and there is a whole new world, and there are marvellous things to learn. I miss what I left behind, but deep down inside I know it was right to move on.