Warning: Spoilers for 5.18 Point of No Return and 5.22 Swan Song. Alternate ending from season 5.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
I highly recommend checking out Bon Jovi's It's My Life.
I think I'm starting to understand how Dean's been feeling in seasons 4-5.
Sorry if I get some of the tenses wrong. I am not used to writing this way.
When were people going to realize it was his life? It was his "destiny"- not theirs. People needed to give him a break. They had to stop telling him what he should do or what they wanted, because in the end, it was Dean's decision. Anyone who wanted to argue against that could shove their assses back to Heaven, Hell, or wherever the hell they came from.
It was his life.
And he had no clue what he wanted to do with it.
But people had to stop saying things like it was their life.
It wasn't their life, damn it.
Not that anyone really seemed to care.
John told him to take care of Sammy. Dean didn't mind that. He was Sammy's big brother. He was supposed to do that. John gave orders Dean didn't like but still followed. John was his father. Michael wanted him to be his prom dress. All those damned angels wanted Dean to say yes and become some archangel's bitch.
All but one.
And that "one" was throwing him- a fully grown man- around like he was a rag doll and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
"I rebelled for this? So that you could surrender to them?"
"Please!" Dean says.
"I gave everything for you and this is what you give to me?"
"Do it! Just do it!" Dean shouts. It would end everything. He wouldn't have to be burdened with making his own choices while everyone's telling him to make a different one when he doesn't even know what he wants. He hopefully won't end up in Hell this time but he'll be alright. He'll be detached. It'll be a relief for him.
Castiel stares at Dean with hard, unyielding blue eyes but something about looking at the oldest Winchester changes something in the angel.
Castiel's fist releases itself and instead of punching Dean again, he presses his hand against Dean's shoulder and Dean slumps forwards into unconsciousness.
When Dean regains consciousness, Castiel is staring at him.
"You get your freak on by watching me sleep or something?" Dean demands, mostly in annoyance as he sits up. Castiel gives him a warning look that clearly says he is not in the mood for Dean's theatrics. "Alright. What do you want? I'm sorry. Is that what you want? An apology?" Castiel doesn't answer him still, eyes raking over Dean's form, making sure he healed the damage he'd done.
"You were going to say yes," Castiel spat.
"It's my life," Dean snaps but inside he knows-
"You know it's not just your life that will be affected," Castiel growls. "You know that. Don't pretend you don't." Castiel grips the iron edge of the table and it crumbles in his hand as if it were paper. Dean looks away. Castiel sees a stray trail of blood on the side of Dean's mouth and reaches forward to wipe it off. Dean tenses and looks at the angel, frowning in confusion.
Castiel doesn't bother to explain his actions to the oldest Winchester.
"Is saying yes really what you wanted? Or what you were pushed into?" Castiel questions, getting up to leave Dean alone. Dean stares at the bed, not risking a look at Castiel until Castiel was just about to turn the corner, trench coat flourishing behind him.
Dean shuts his eyes and falls backwards onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow.
When was his life going to be his again?
There had been a time when he could go on the road, leaving nothing more than a note for Sam or John and head off in the Impala by himself for however long he wanted as long as he dropped a call once in awhile. There had been a time when he could hunt whatever he wanted. There had been a time when he could choose to live or die. There had been a time when, if he died, it wouldn't affect the whole goddamned world.
There had been a time when his life was his own.
"Is saying yes really what you wanted? Or what you were pushed into?"
With nothing else to do, Dean is left to mull over Castiel's questions.
He mulls over them for a long time. He's with Sam and Castiel in the Impala, with Sam sitting shotgun and Castiel sitting in the back asleep.
"Aw. Ain't he a little angel?" Dean coos with a smirk.
"Angels don't sleep," Sam says needlessly.
"Sam, I got a bad feeling about this," Dean sighs.
"Well, you'd be nuts to have a good feeling about it," Sam says, trying to make light out of the situation.
"You know what I mean. Detroit. He always said he'd jump your bones in Detroit. Here we are. Maybe this is him rolling out the red carpet, you know? Maybe he knows something that we don't," Dean says.
"Dean, I'm sure he knows a butt load we don't. We just got to hope he doesn't know about the rings," Sam says. "Hey, um... on the subject, there's something I got to talk to you about."
"What?" Dean asks.
"This thing goes our way and I...Triple lindy into that box... Y-you know I'm not coming back," Sam says.
"Yeah, I'm aware," Dean says bitterly.
"So you got to promise me something," Sam says.
"Okay. Yeah. Anything," Dean says.
"You got to promise not to try to bring me back," Sam says.
"What? No, I didn't sign up for that," Dean snaps.
"Dean-" Sam says.
"Your hell is gonna make my tour look like Graceland. Y-you want me just to sit by and do nothing?" Dean sputters.
"Once the cage is shut, you can't go poking at it, Dean. It's too risky," Sam says.
"No, no, no, no, no. As if I'm just gonna let you rot in there," Dean protests.
"Yeah, you are. You don't have a choice," Sam says.
"You can't ask me to do this," Dean says.
"I'm sorry, Dean. You have to," Sam insists.
"So then what am I supposed to do?" Dean demands.
"You go find Lisa. You pray to god she's dumb enough to take you in, and you - you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me," Sam says. Dean sits in silence for a moment, words stuck in his throat. The words are stuck there until they pass another three highway signs.
"No," Dean says.
"What?" Sam startles.
"I'm not going to Lisa," Dean says because this is really all he has control over. "I'm not going and that's final, Sam."
"Dean-"
"I'll hitch somewhere up in an apartment and share rent with Castiel if it means that much to you," Dean says. "But I'm not going back to Lisa."
And through the rearview mirror, Dean sees a faint smile on the angel's face.
"It's my life,"