Storm Lake
I don't own anything twilight...if I did, I would be on some remote island counting my money! I hope you enjoy this story. Please note that I am a dirty birdy and like to watch these characters do naughty things. If it offends you, don't read any further. Feel free to drop me a line, good or bad.
"I see that look Rose, and the answer is no. Its a big fuckin NO. Don't try and get any ideas either."
"Geez, Bella, lighten the hell up will ya..You've been nursing that damn rum and coke for over an hour and frankly I'm bored as shit, so drink up Johnny because I'm doing this for you"
"Uh, doing what for me, I said no...and why are you worried about my drink...concentrate on your own"... I can see Rose rolling her eyes and completely ignoring me. She's gonna fucking do it and I'm gonna be pissed. Just as I bend down to grab my purse I suddenly feel hands on both of my shoulders. All I can think is, She fucking did it.? I adore Rose and I know she means well, but this is not what I imagined when she told me she wanted to take me to lunch...God help me.
"Hi, I'm Tanya and I was told to take very good care of you... can you follow me?"
I look up to this extremely beautiful woman, She winks at Rose and back at me. I give Rose one of those 'eat shit bitch' looks and all she can do is laugh and blow me a kiss.
"Thanks Rose".I say sarcastically...damn her...
I begrudgingly get up from my leather swivel chair and follow this tall bleached blonde stripper. Her hair is long and covers a lot of the tattoos she has on her torso. I can vaguely make out a bluebird and some sort of flower. I always wanted to get a tattoo but I never could decide on what to get or even where to put it so I went with a belly button ring. That's as close to cool as I'm gonna get. The stripper Tayla, Tyler.. whatever her name, is walking way ahead of me and glancing back every few steps. I notice she's in a sequined thong. God, that has to hurt.
I glare back at Rose and notice she too is out of her seat but unlike me she is in front of the stage tipping some dancer and I'm going to some shady back area of the club to have tits in my face. I don't even know the fucking protocol of a strip club...do I sit on my hands, where do I look, do I talk to her while she's dancing?... Fuck me, I'm at a loss and now I definitely need a drink...a very, very strong drink.
We make it back to this private room and damn if it isn't darker than the one we were just in. I can't really make out faces, only dark figures. Great, we aren't alone. I have witnesses to watch me make a complete idiot of myself. Please let this be quick and painless, I think to myself.
"Have a seat right here...I'll be right back"
I do as she says and trying not to look like a jackass, I pretend to play with some invisible thread on my shirt. She returns with another woman, only this woman is wearing a bit more. A tie and a comber bun. I can barely make out a name tag below her collarbone. Peggy, oh yes, Peggy.. my knight in shining armor.. If there was ever a time I wanted to kiss a woman's feet it was now!
"Hiya doll, would you like to buy the dancer a drink?" Peggy asks me with a playful smile and some very shiny cheeks.
"Uh, sure whatever... And I'd like the dancer to buy mine." They both look at me like I farted... Okay, I guess that wasn't funny to them. Mental note, don't joke in a strip club..
"I'm kidding..Just a jo...nevermind. Get Tori.."
"Its Tanya"
Tanya.. right, shit. I knew that..
"Yeah, Tanya, uh, get her whatever, and can you please get me a double rum and coke"
I really wanted a triple but I don't think there is such thing, and besides I cant be looking all nervous...act cool Bella, just act cool....
"Sure thing love...be right back" Peggy slowly disappears in the darkness and off to the bar.
10 minutes and 60 dollars later, my drink is completely gone, warm boobs are slapping both sides of my head and I can hear Kings of Leon in the background. Great, my favorite song forever tainted by this moment. Every time I hear it I will think of being assaulted by Tayla..shit tyla..fuck, whatever. Okay, now I'm feeling buzzed. The music is starting to sound better and I am starting to think that this isn't so bad.
"This your first dance?" Tanya asks me all slow and breathless.
"No, gah...I danced at my high school prom and at a wedding once.." again she looks at me like a jackass, Do people not have a sense of humor anymore?"actually yeah.. I've never had a dance..er..lap dance before"
"Yeah, I can tell... whispering to me as she gyrates her hips to my crotch, You're very stiff. Try and relax...and back here, if you wanna touch me you can"
Did she just say she wanted me to touch her? Okay now I must be drunk. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat as she gets closer and closer to me. I manage to stammer out,
"oh thats really sweet, umm...yeah..I..I...um.."
Just then Tanya, sticks out her tongue and slowly sweeps the bottom of my lip..Okay, the tingles from that action just sent my body into overdrive, my head is spinning and all I can do is close my eyes to try and get a grip on what just happened. She is slowly grinding me with her pelvis as she grips the back of my chair. Her hair smells faintly familiar and I'm guessing we probably use the same products.
With my eyes still closed I feel her slowly descend off me and slide down between my legs. I suddenly open my eyes and see her hands on my chest. I watch her fingers as they circle my nipples. I cant believe I'm getting turned on. My breathing is faster and I try and concentrate on the song in the background. I see Tanya smirk and without saying a word, she takes my left hand and pulls it into her thong.."oh my god, what the fuck do I do now? I can feel her vagina. Its completely shaved and so soft, I gotta look like a deer in headlights because I have no clue what to do..Please Tanya give me some sort of sign here...I guess my sexual instincts decide to take over and I circle her clit...I hear her moan in my right ear. I vaguely hear the D.J. say something and another song starts. I'm terrified at this point, I quickly look around to see if anyone is watching us, I now understand why this back room is so dark, I cant see a damn thing but Tanya's hair curtaining around my face. I try and just concentrate on the song as I feel the ground shake from the bass, its Alice in chains 'rotten apple'.
I'm completely drunk now and my brain starts rationalizing the situation I'm in at this very moment. I begin contemplating what my next move will be. Tanya puts her right leg on my lap and looking very seductive, she bends down and says to me...
"Go inside"...
Go inside where? I ask myself, but I know damn well the answer.
Jesus, this woman is very beautiful and I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't turned on. In fact I was wet, and I could feel myself getting more aroused by the second...
Should I,
Should I not,
What to do...
I decide to throw caution to the wind. I can blame all my guilt and shame on Rose and the drinks in the morning. Right now I will live in the moment. I slowly put my index finger deep inside her. Oh my, is this girl drenched. Making a woman moan wasn't something on my bucket list, in fact, I never really thought about it unless Rose would bring it up. Rose has had her fair share of lesbian experiences. Her female encounters in college didn't stop after she left school. There were a few times I wondered if Rose ever wanted to get down with me, I mean we drunk kissed here and there, but nothing too crazy.
Back to Tanya,
She is breathing pretty heavy in my ear so I'm guessing she's liking it. I decide to be daring and insert 2 fingers at the same time going in and out nice and slow, making sure my palm grazes her clit because I'm a woman and I know what the hell I like. Judging by her eyes rolling back, she too likes it. Yep, that does the trick because she's even wetter and now has completely sunk into me, pulling on my hair and mumbling something in my neck. I keep my rhythm and with my new confidence or the alcohol, who knows at this point, I decide to talk dirty to her, because this may be my first and last sexual experience with a woman and I wanna make it good.
"Does this feel good to you?" I don't know why I asked her because I already know the answer. My slick fingers don't lie..
Tanya is now making these low pitched groans "Oh God yeah, don't stop...I want you to make me come"
Well fuck me, I am about to make a woman come and I gotta say, for someone with no experience whatsoever, I rule! That doesn't make me a lesbian...bi maybe...As I ramble on in my head and keep my fingers pumping I can feel her pulsate...She's cumming. I watch her face as it contorts and her hair whips back. Her knee is bouncing on my left leg and she's pulling my hair...I proceed to go faster until I no longer feel the muscles contracting...Tanya slumps over me and I slowly pull my fingers out of her. Man, did she enjoy herself, I wanna do a happy dance, but I remain seated and go with the happy dance in my head.
The joy I felt from giving her pleasure was short lived. A new song began to play and my stupid brain got in the way. I'm at a loss for words.. she's sitting here on my knee with this big fucking smile across her face and the only thing I could think at that moment is my daughters birthday tomorrow. What the hell is wrong with me and why did that pop into my head now...why now?
I need to get the fuck out of this , find Rose and beat the shit out of her!
I smile politely at her and start to get up.
"Well, that was fun...Thanks for the good time"...Did I just say thanks for the good time? Great now I sound like some douche.
I grab whats left of my money in my back pocket and I lay it on the table and head straight for a bathroom.
After washing my hands and looking at myself in disgust in the mirror, I make my way to the main floor trying to locate Rose and pray to the Gods I don't run into Tanya. Yes, I got her name right..Go me, I'm on a roll...
I spot her at our table slinging back a shot..great, so much for her being the designated driver!
"Hey Girl, thanks so much for that.. really.. I snarl and give her the finger as I sit down.
Rose on the other hand is laughing and she's laughing at my expense. Bitch.
"You know I love you Bella. I just thought you could use a nice vaca from reality...And besides, Tanya is good at what she does."
" Yeah you could say tha...Wait, How would you know..." I instantly register what she just said and her face only confirms it for me. Here I thought Tanya was just in the moment with me. I felt cool that I had a moment with a dancer that had a tattoo on her stomach of a lotus flower... and fucking Rose knows her. So much for being cool.
"Well, I don't know her know her,' Rose chimes in, 'but Emmet and I have fucked her"
Great, Rose is drunk. Every time she's 3 sheets to the wind she starts vomiting at the mouth about her and Emmet's sex life and I don't know whether to be grossed out because she's my best friend or be jealous because my sex life sucks. It sucks big time. Jake and I are polar opposites from Rose and Emmet. If memory serves me right, there's a name for our intimacy, its called Vanilla. Maybe its because I got pregnant at 16, and my sexual hormones never had a chance to branch out, who knows. And why am I thinking about this now at a topless bar?
"That's great Rose..Thanks for the visual...Time to call a cab" We walk out of the club with the sun still blazing. This is always the worst for me about drinking in the middle of the day. Its like your stuck in limbo. At night you can just go home and sleep it off, but hell it's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and I got a major buzz and Rose is wasted.
We hop into a cab and Rose puts her head on my shoulder.
"I love you Bellsssss...I hope I made your day a,,aa,lill brighter with Taaaaaaaaannya, becauz,,Yoo are my Bestie and You deezurve, a good time..right?"
"yeah Rose. I deserve a good time but a lunch date... at a strip bar?" leaning my head against the window of the cab, I exhale a long overdue breath.
Rose puts her arms around my waist and slurs, "Bellsss, you are the oldest 31 year old I have ever met...Stop questionin your choices soo , Seize the fu..kin..day"
"You mean stop questioning your choices for me?"
All I can hear from Rose now are soft mumbles...My best friend is passed out. I love Rose to death, I know she was only trying to help. She knows how hard tomorrow is on me. Year after year she watches me go through it. And I know its rough for her too, she was Nessie's Godmother. Going out and drinking today was therapy for the both of us. I cant hate her for that. She hurts too. It's her little escape. No matter how perverted. Remember, its Rose after all.
The Driver pipes in,"no puke in the car"
Poor cab driver, I can only imagine the abuse he gets from patrons coming out of this place. The drive is short to Rose's house. I manage to wake her and get her out of the cab. I find her keys in her purse and lay her on the couch. I stare briefly at her smiling and kiss her goodbye on the forehead. Making sure I lock the door behind me or Emmet will have my ass.. He is very protective of her and such a wonderful husband. It was love at first sight for the both of them. I could listen to her tell the story over and over of how her and Emmet met. It's like a great love story. I stop myself from thinking about Rose and Emmet any longer. I've had enough envying for one day.
I wrap my arms around myself and get back into the cab.
…..
I walk into my house with heavy legs and my head spinning. My buzz is turning into exhaustion, I cant decide if I should just keep drinking for that second wind or at this point my second buzz, or take a bath, make some coffee and hop into bed with my laptop.
I head for the fridge and grab my bottle of white wine..Fuck it, I'm alone and don't feel like dusting those memories off...The whole reason Rose took me out at 11 am in the first place.
June 9th 1996, wow, I'm floored that it will be 15 years tomorrow. I gave birth 15 years ago .Time fucking flies. I feel like it was just yesterday.
My body is shaking. And I don't know if its from not having anything in my stomach but alcohol or if its from nerves. I pour myself a glass of wine, kick off my shoes and lay on the couch. Jake will be home in an hour and I'm sure he will want something to eat...He can order pizza, I'm not up to cooking.
What a day I had. Taking another big sip from my wine I flip through the channels.. I dont know why we even bother paying for cable, there's nothing ever on. Now that I think about it, not only is nothing on but no one is ever here to watch it. Jacob is rarely here. His home is at the car lot that we own. Antique cars are Jacob's passion. He's so good at finding old classics, restoring them and then selling them for shitloads. My only passion was getting out of Forks. So when I turned 21, I decided to fulfill it by becoming a flight attendant. I can proudly say that I've been just about everywhere.
I'm suddenly interrupted by my stupid memory as it takes center stage...At 15 I had failed my learners permit twice...I was in love with Jake...and God did I think I knew it all...15 years old... my little girl...a teenager, I cant even wrap my head around that..
Tears are filling my eyes and I can feel the burn. After all these years you'd think it would get easier. I wish Jake would come home.
…..
I feel a strong hand rubbing my back. I open my eyes to see Jake sitting next to me with a big toothy smile.
"Hi Babe.. I take it Rose showed you a good time"..
if he only knew..."Yeah, she did. What time is it?"
"Its almost 8.. Guess you dozed off.. I've been trying to call you for 2 hours."
"Fuck, I'm sorry.." I can see him chuckle lightly and stare down at my glass of wine...that is spilled all over the carpet.. Great, not only am I drunk but I'm also a slob. What a winning combo. how can he not wanna just ravage me!
"For what, don't worry about it" he says to me.
We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. That's one thing I like about our relationship, We don't have to say anything to know what each other is thinking...And I know what he's thinking. He finally breaks the silence and speaks.
"15 today Bells..Can you believe that shit."
"I know, its kinda surreal huh... and then out of nowhere it hits me, "Oh My God Jake, that's when you got that stupid tattoo...remember"
Jake puts his hand on his heart and opens his mouth as to act like I hurt his feelings
"Hey...that's a great tattoo...It shows my love and symbolizes my youth..
"Umm..yeah a fucking shoulder tattoo of a lizard on a skateboard...No, I don't see youth in that nor love..what I do see is jackass.."
Jacob laughs and hits the side of my butt as he gets up off the couch.
"Yeah, well it could be worse..I coulda got that chili pepper with the sombrero..."
the joy I felt reminiscing about Jake getting that tattoo was invaded by another memory...I think it was shortly after he got that tattoo that I found out I was pregnant.
"You ever wonder what she might look like Jake?"
Jake is in the kitchen and I can hear a metal bottle cap hit the counter as he emerges with a beer.
"I don't wanna talk about that Bella.. I don't wanna go into the what if's right now. Its too fuckin emotional for that kind of shit.."
"I don't understand why you don't wanna talk to me about it.. its our daughter...But that's fine Jake..whatever"
I decide not to push him, I've pushed and tried many times before in the past to no avail. Jake keeps his thoughts about her to himself. Even a therapist couldn't get through to him. That was a major waste of money and time. .. I think I've seen Jake cry once. He deals with it a different way than the rest of us. So I leave him be.
"Did you make her the necklace" Jake asks me in a low tone staring down at his beer.
"I did...wanna see it?" Before he even answers I get up off the couch and head toward the bedroom.., head rush, shit...I turn on the light in the bedroom and go straight for my top drawer on my dresser. I pull out the little blue velvet bag, and go find Jacob.
"well, what do you think?' I ask Jake who is now in the den next to the computer.
He takes the bag from me and opens it up to pull out the necklace. It's a very delicate silver chain with tiny tear drop rhinestones and an angel holding 2 broken wings. In Jacobs culture, its customary for the parents to make a necklace when a child turns 15. It supposed to symbolizes strength and grace for the next phase of life.
"Wow, that's real nice Bells." He is so sincere when he says it that my stomach lunges forward..
"Thanks.. You coming with me in the morning?"
"Nah, I..I'll go on my own, you know that."
"Yeah, I know Jake, I gotta ask because I always hope you will come with me one of these times"..
And I ache for Jacob to come with me, He's the only one who can relate to my feelings. I adore Sue and Billy coming along with me but its not the same. They don't know whats going on in my heart. Jacob does and he chooses to avoid me...and her. He is so self contained that I'm barely allowed to bring her name up or ask him about her. And forget having pictures up of her. I fought with him for years about having one picture of her in the house, I finally gave up and accepted the fact that there would be no photos or long discussions about her. His way of coping I guess.
I notice Jake fumbling with something inside his motorcycle jacket, I gotta ask...
"Whatcha got?.. Something for me?"
Taking a long sip from his beer he gives me a smirk,
"Nope. But I did make something for Ness..I, uh..it's..I wanted.. Fuck, okay, Its a CD. Its made of songs and shit okay... here"
"He hands me a C.D. I look at it and see all kinds of scribble in Jake's writing. I try and make out what it says but Jake stops me.
"It's songs I listened to when I was 15...no big deal. Just..you know..."
My eyes go wet again and I bite my lip really hard trying to fight back those damn tears. Jacob hates when I cry, The minute he sees me crying he goes running. Suck it up Bella, suck it up. Cry tomorrow, not now, not now, not now...
Just then the phone rings Thank God..saved!
…..
I wake up to a pounding headache and some of the grossest breath. My mouth barely opens as my lips feel like they are gummed together. The temperature is perfect under the covers and I can hear the floor fan humming. I look over and stare at Jacob still asleep and have to smile because I can hear his nose whistle with every intake of air...and then I remember what day it is. I sit up and let out a big sigh as I begin my search for tylenol and caffeine.
…..
Feeling much better after drowning in 2 cups of coffee, and a shower, I stare at my closet with my wet hair and a pink towel wrapped around my body. I have no idea what to wear today, It's June 9th in Forks Washington and the day calls for rain. Of course it would rain today... I opt for a pair of jeans and a v neck black t-shirt.
I run into Jacob in the kitchen making breakfast..
Mornin. How'd ya sleep?" I ask as I pillage through the one cabinet that holds all our medicines. Score, I find a bottle of vicodin from last year when Jacob threw out his back helping his friend Paul move. I take one and wash it down with a glass of water.
"Not too bad. Want some pancakes?" He asks me as he's standing there with no shirt on and a pair of basketball shorts.
"No, I'm good, my stomach is acting funny, besides You know Sue and Billy like to take me to lunch at the diner afterward so I'm just gonna wait."
"Okay." He walks away with his plate full of pancakes and sits outside on our deck. I'm left in the kitchen listening to the morning sounds that our house makes. I feel a shudder as I unfold my day in my mind. I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm depressed and angry and I know its partly from my hangover but mostly from Jacob. I need him the most and he could give a shit.
I start to make my way to the deck when I notice he's on his cell phone and he's laughing.. He's fucking laughing. Today of all days he can sit there and shove food in his mouth and have a happy emotion going on. I stop dead in my tracks and just stare at him. I must be in a daze because I forgot why I even was going out to the deck in the first place. I know I wanted to say something to him, but what? He's got one knee up to his chest and his other leg on the ground and he's stabbing his food and talking shop with someone on the phone. I'm guessing either Paul or Sam. Wonder what he's gonna do all day. Why wont he come with me?. This is my last ditch effort to get him to come. I open the sliding glass door and Jacob looks up at me and motions for me to sit. As he continues his conversation on his cell.
"Nah, fuck that I can get a better deal at the port angeles auction in July. Just tell him no...Yeah... haahha...No shit right..." I stare at him with my are ya fucking kidding me look..
"Hey Sam, Let me call ya back...K...K...Ya..see ya." He puts his phone on the table.
Glaring at him I stutter out "What are your plans today Jake?"
"Uh..I gotta check out this 56 Impala this dude is trying to get rid of...Its in Seattle. Then prolly head back to the lot..why?
He knows why. He just doesn't wanna say it.
"Sure you don't wanna come with me?..I could ditch Sue and Bill..."
"No Bells. But don't forget my C.D. And tell dad to call me when he gets back home, I need to reserve that fishing trip soon and I need to know if he's for sure goin...I gotta get outta here. I'm meeting Sam in an hour"
He gets up, pats my lap and heads into the house. I look at his plate of pancakes...Or whats left of them. Alone again. I'm so tired of these drive by conversations with Jake, but I'm too tired to fight him...I stick whats left of his breakfast in my mouth and sit in silence watching the trees sway back and forth in my backyard.
…..
I pull into a vacant parking spot and turn off the car. I glance at Billy in the backseat from the rear view mirror. He has such a warm smile but I know his eyes hold sadness. Before I become a fumbling mess I look to Sue for support. Her eyes remind me of my mom's She's staring at me intently and rubbing my right leg.
"It's a shame it has to rain today," Sue says softly. You wanna go first Sweetheart?"
Swallowing hard and looking out the window I put my hand on the car door handle and without saying a word I smile at them both, grab my message bag and exit the car..
Its 214 steps to her, I know because I count them every time I come here to see her.
209...
210...
211...
212...
213...
214...
Hi baby girl, it's momma...I stare down at her gravestone...
Renesmee Black
June 9, 1996 - March 11, 2000