A/N: As this story was almost universally dissatisfying, I thought I'd see what I could do to fix it up. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, guys.
JJ's legs are cramped. Her feet are numb. She smells blood too close, but she doesn't dare move. Because the dogs are dead, but there's an unsub out there. This is his property. His barn. He stole a woman. He tied her up. He let his three crazy dogs attack her, and eat her alive. There is nothing left. Nothing but blood and cold and her arm is throbbing where one of the dogs bit her. But she cannot lose focus. She can't forget that Tobias is out there.
She just has to wait him out. Wait for Reid tome back. Wait for Hotch. Wait for her team. But time is crawling. It's so cold she can see her breath. She is stuck in a state of hyper-vigilance and terror. This is too much.
JJ feels lightheaded. She's sure she will pass out. There are footsteps in the darkness, crunching lightly on the hay with the tread of experienced hunters. When they come close enough to find her out, JJ pushes to her feet.
"FBI…" she manages, sounding breathless and terrified. There are two. Two of them and one of her, and my God, they have flashlights… There is so much blood… "Don't move!" she screams, and she does not give them a chance to react. She squeezes the trigger.
The blast from the gun is loud in her ears. Everything echoes a few extra times. The horror of this night just gets deeper and darker. She cannot focus. She senses movement. Hears two people speaking. She doesn't recognize their voices and can't make out their features in the dark.
"Holy hell…"
"Did she shoot you?"
"It's just a flesh wound. I'll be fine."
Whoever it is doesn't sound fine. He sounds pissed. JJ tenses, ready for action.
But suddenly, she hears a familiar voice.
"JJ. It's Emily. Okay? Look at me. It's Emily and Derek."
JJ blinks. She sees Emily's face lit in the dark barn. Morgan is slightly behind her, picking himself up from the hay-covered ground. But some of the blood is his.
Slowly, mechanically, JJ lowers her weapon. She stares at them, uncomprehending, until all the pieces fall into place one at a time. At the realization that she almost shot one of her own, JJ nearly collapses.
"I'm sorry… God, Morgan, I 'm sorry. I didn't know…I thought you were the unsub."
Morgan speaks but it doesn't make sense.
Emily speaks but JJ cannot understand. She is too stunned. Too terrified. Too everything for that.
"JJ, look at me. Where's Reid?" Emily asks.
"We split up. He went around back."
Just like that, Morgan is gone, investigating, flesh wound and all. Emily calls for medic, even though JJ insists she is fine. Derek might need one, though, so JJ doesn't put up a fight about it. On his way out, JJ got a glimpse of that arm. It looked painful, but Morgan insisted it didn't hurt. Now, she and Emily walk together out of the barn, Emily with her arm around JJ's shoulders. She doesn't say much, but that's fine. JJ can't hear anything but the blood rushing in her own ears.
The ambulance arrives, and Emily guides JJ to sit down in the back so that her injured arm can be taken care of. When she is cautioned that a certain procedure might hurt a little, JJ steels herself but finds that she barely notices it. Her arm is wrapped and they check her for shock. There is a light in her eyes. There are questions. She answers them right because she knows the right answer, not because she feels it. They are going to take her in, but JJ resists.
"I'm okay," she says, knowing that it isn't true in the slightest. She doesn't need stitches. The dogs weren't rabid. The bite doesn't look too bad.
JJ's still seated in the back of the ambulance when she hears it:
"Looks like somebody got dragged…"
"You can't find Reid?" she asks, alarm and adrenaline coursing through her.
"Not yet," Emily cautions gently.
That first night she doesn't do much. Isn't much help. The guilt she feels is crushing. When she tries to rest, she finds sleep won't come. Her mind is busy conjuring up any of the horrible circumstances he's enduring at the hands of this serial killer.
Without warning, the dogs are snarling. She's pulling the trigger. It happens like this again and again. In the bathroom, staring at her own reflection, JJ hears the low warning snarl before the dog attacks. Instinct has her reaching for her gun.
"JJ..JJ! It's me," Emily reassures, her own hands raised.
JJ holsters her gun. She masks her terror with a smile. She says she's sorry. Emily scared her.
"I'm sorry," Emily insists.
Her head is throbbing. JJ's stomach is in knots. Her hands are shaking. She can't focus. She can't do this. She can't lose him.
She presses her lips together.
Concerned, Emily steps inside and closes the door. "Are you okay?" she asks.
"Just say it! Why won't anyone just come out and say it!" JJ whispers angrily.
"What do you want us to say?" Emily asks, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. She waits patiently.
"That this is my fault! God, Emily! I did this! I shot Derek, and I almost shot you! I was responsible for Reid and I screwed up!"
"So did Reid." Emily doesn't flinch. She sits, unafraid
"Excuse me?" JJ asked lowly, fire in her eyes.
"You both were responsible for each other. He split up even after you told him you should stay together. He left you unprotected. That's not okay, but it is what happened, and we will deal with it. Okay?"
"But if I'd stayed with him, then-"
"Then, we would be searching all of rural Atlanta for both of you. We would be down a second team member."
"Just tell me the truth!" JJ insists, tears shining in her eyes.
Emily grasps both of JJ's hands in her own. "You trusted your instincts. You are alive. And I'm here for you. That's the only truth you need to know."
They stare at each other a long moment, until JJ nods a little.
"Okay?" Emily asks gently.
JJ nods again, though they both know she isn't.
"Okay," she manages, her voice heavy.
Someday, JJ hopes she'll believe this for herself, but for now, she draws on Emily's strength.
Together, they emerge, with a strong resolve. JJ clasps Emily's hand, and Emily doesn't seem to mind. In fact, she squeezes. She talks.
She makes all the difference.
When they leave Atlanta days later, Emily is just there, a solid presence beside JJ. She doesn't fuss or make a big deal when it's not warranted but she doesn't act like everything is okay, either. This brand of honesty isn't something JJ is used to. It will take some time, she imagines, getting familiar with it.
JJ glances across the aisle at Morgan, who is sitting beside Reid. She looks away quickly, guilt eating away at her as she thought of his injury and her part in it.
"He's over it," Emily reassured, like she was reading JJ's mind. "Once he registered where you were and how long you'd been there, he understood that instinct to protect yourself. He doesn't like it, but he understands."
"So, Morgan's not mad at me…and neither is Reid… Why is that?" JJ asks bitterly.
"I think the better question is…why are you mad at you?" Emily probes.
Sighing, JJ glances out the window. "I just hate not being able to be there for people when they need me. …For my family… I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling blamed." JJ speaks softly, not making eye-contact, except with the clouds outside the window of the jet. "I hate having regrets."
"Everybody has regrets, JJ. It's what you do with them that really makes the difference. Are you gonna sit and think about how awful a choice was or what you could have done better or live scared all the time? Or, are you going to learn something from it and move on? Maybe talk to someone who can help you deal with whatever this is bringing up."
"I'm not seeing a shrink," JJ insists almost defiantly.
"I meant me," Emily counters, offering a small smile.
"Oh." JJ is at a loss for words. As the jet touches down in Virginia, JJ finds herself thinking about Emily's suggestion, and about Atlanta. It's far behind them now, but JJ can still feel it pulling at her consciousness.
"Don't worry about it. No pressure. Just, if you need anything, don't hesitate to let me know," Emily asks, hope shining in her eyes.
"I'll try…" JJ promises.
She fixes her eyes on the journey ahead, doing her best not to look back toward Atlanta, where all its shadows wait. JJ is determined.
She'll beat this.
A/N: Thanks for reading (or rereading as the case may be.) I just realized that Shelter - one of the first stories I ever wrote for the CM fandom - is a nice follow-up to this piece. So, check it out to see how JJ and Emily fare in the coming weeks….