Always

Disclaimer: Everything Supernatural belongs to Kripke, I am merely playing in his sandbox.

Warning! This chapter is VERY angsty and dark. You should read it to the song Stay by Michelle Featherstone. The song is beautiful and it helps set the mood. Also, this is unbeta'd so there will be a plethora of spelling errors and mistakes, to which I am sorry.

Prologue: Peace or freedom.

"If I build a wall a hundred feet tall
Would that keep you in?
If I shackled your feet so you couldn't leave
Would you try and run?
If I promise not to fight at least not tonight
Would you stay the night? Would you stay with me."- Stay.

Humans, Castiel discovered, were very odd creatures. Just when he'd lost all faith in them, they turned around and surprised him in ways he thought no longer possible. Usually it was Dean that helped renew this faith in humanity. The hunter's constant struggle between his inner demons and the real ones thrown at him in life, never once giving an inch no matter how defeated or dead he felt inside. This time however, it was Sammy that brought Cas jarring back from the brink of complete self-destruction, finding himself sitting on a park bench with the lingering taste of blood on his lips, tongue and teeth. Of all things it could have been, what brought Castiel back to himself, was one small, shy, selfless prayer from the boy with the demon blood. The very same person Castiel had condemned to madness.

"Hey Castiel, um— maybe this is pointless. Look, I don't know even know if you even care but… um I still think you're one of us. Deep down and way way way off the reservation but… look we still have until dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please."

It was with those few, half muttered heart-filled words that Castiel felt himself returning to his old self. Horror dawning at the memory of all he had done. Fluttering away from the park bench, unseen and unheard with a flap of his wings, the God, no… the angel began to set things straight. He had a plan, and it involved one final act from the Winchesters. He just hoped he had enough time. Already he could feel the Leviathan protesting within him, fighting for control of his vessel.

As soon as the final touch was in place Castiel made his way to the Winchesters, an almost instinctual process that felt so right he almost sagged with relief upon arrival.

"Sam." The angel half expected to be shot on sight after his last performance, ready with weariness for any bullet, knife or crowbar he might find hurtled his way.

"Cas." The young hunter was on his feet instantly, not with fear or weariness, but a readiness to catch Cas, should the angel fall. This, all things considered, was highly possible considering his current condition.

"I got your message. I need help." He croaked, eyes downcast in shame, sure the brothers would find his appearance and recent activities repugnant and send him away. Even now he could taste the blood of many, fresh and remaining in his mouth and dense in his stomach. However as he stood, sagging weakly against the wall, imploring them for help, all he got was an open willingness from them to help him however they could. The angel felt no shame in the fact that he sagged helplessly against them as they approached. Their hands a warm and welcome iron grip keeping him upright as his vessel's legs threatened to give out at any moment.

For the next almost hour, Dean explained the plan to open Purgatory and release the souls so that Cas might be returned to normal. Of course the angel agreed to the whole thing, careful to leave out key elements so as to not concern the hunters. Dean kept asking if Cas was certain he would survive through the extraction, to which the angel happily lied for the hunter. Even if he could survive the extraction, the angel knew the Leviathan would never leave his vessel. Not willingly. And without the power of the souls fueling him, Cas would not be strong enough to repress them. In the end, there was only one solution. He merely hoped that in time Dean would forgive him. It didn't matter to Castiel if the rest of the world, the angels and even his Father despised him, for the angel, only Dean's opinion of him mattered.

While Dean explained everything, never once leaving the angels side, Sam called Bobby before suggesting relocating to the car since 'angel-mojo' was obviously out of the question. Nodding agreeably, Castiel lent his best efforts into walking as they all but carried him out of the house and down to the Impala. For the first time since the angel had known him, Dean slid into the backseat, helping Sam carefully lower Castiel in next to him.

He might have felt like it was a trap or that he was on lock down, if they didn't look so utterly worried about him. Dean didn't even complain about personal space when a bump in the road had Castiel falling against the hunter with a soft whine of pain. A pain soothed away as Dean's hand fell into Cas's hair, carefully treading through the blood mattered locks, gentle and comforting. The hunter didn't even realise he was doing it until the angel mewled in protest when Dean tried to retract his hand.

Bobby arrived mere moments after Dean and Sam had just finished unloading Cas from the backseat, where personally he had been more comfortable.

"Hurry, the sun is almost up." Bobby called from his car as the two brothers hoisted up the limp angel between them, bodily carrying Castiel into the building.

They got him into the lab and carefully against a wall, Sam's large hands on his shoulder and knee while Dean rummaged through cabinets and draws.

"We need the right blood. There is a small jar at the end of the hall. Supply closet." Cas weakly instructed Sam, strangely out of breathe though he knew he didn't require any.

"Got it." The hunter nodded quickly before vanishing out the door and down the hall in a flurry of moment. Castiel waited till he could no longer hear the hunter's foot falls before turning his attention on Dean. Blue eyes brimming with regret as he watched the Winchester fly around the room, looking so close to falling apart the angel wanted to forget the whole plan and fight to stay by the human's side. No, he reminded himself. Freedom or peace, he sternly reminded himself. This had to be done.

"Dean." Even to the angel, it sounded small and unsure. From his position across the room, the hunter glanced back towards his angel over his shoulder, keen green eyes wet with unshed tears. Maybe Dean knew more than he was letting on.

"What, do you need something else?"

Castiel didn't have the strength to shake his head.

"No, I feel regret." He took a moment to suck in lungfuls of air he shouldn't have needed. His vessel was dying. He knew this. The pain he felt was phantom but he still felt it, as real as if it were his own. Once his lungs felt less like through would cave in any moment, the angel continued. "About you and what I did to Sam."

For a moment, Dean looked taken aback. As if he was unsure what to do with Castiel's apology. Secretly the angel though Dean might tell him to shove it as he had before in the room with Lisa. After a moments deliberation, Dean finally turned to speak.

"Yeah well, you should." The hunter turned away once more, pushing a tray of utensils out of the way of the desired wall. It wasn't a particularly nasty response, and yet the angel still felt himself inwardly cringing.

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd fix him now." Castiel pressed on, desperate for some… any kind of reaction out of Dean. Any sort of clue that would help the angel to decipher how the hunter felt towards him. When this comment measured no immediate response, Cas continued on in earnest.

"I just wanted to make amends before I die." He felt the words slip before he could back pedal fast enough. It did, however, get the desired response. An almost unnoticeable stiffening in the hunters back, a twitching of a muscle here and there. A sudden tenseness that flooded Dean as he seemingly froze and looked towards Castiel. Before the human even opened his mouth, Castiel knew he was going to attempt to feign indifference. He'd seen Dean do it enough to know the signs when he saw them.

"Okay." Dean nodded, eyes looking anywhere but the angel on the floor. Unsatisfied with the verbal reply, Castiel fumbled for a moment, looking down briefly confused before flitting back to the hunters face as he sought his next words carefully.

"Is it working?"

The frown that threatened to take over Dean's face was thunderous and indignant and screamed 'do you even have to ask?'

"Is it working?" Dean asked back, almost angrily. Castiel took a moment to think about the question even though he knew the answer already.

"No," he said simply, face sad with a touch of defeat. "You?"

As expected, Dean looked away, unable to keep eye contact with the broken angel. It hurt more then Cas cared to admit. Nether the less, the hunter shook his head, almost reluctantly.

"Not a bit."

Where that simple answer left them, Castiel was unsure, but able gauge from the way Dean was closing himself off from everything, that was all Cas was going to get. An unfamiliar pain in his chest and prickling sensation in his eyes had the angel looking away crestfallen. Dean did not and probably would not forgive him. And what was worse was the fact that with every passing second Castiel could feel the approach of dawn. He would never have the time to make up for his misdeeds to Dean.

A soft touch to his shoulder drew the angels attention.

"Hang in there. Just a couple more minutes" Bobby tossed him a half-hearted smile before moving to cross the room towards where Dean stood awkwardly.

"Where's Sam? It's go time." He heard the older hunter murmured apprehensively to Dean. Without a moment's hesitation, the Winchester spun from the room, bolting down the halls to look for Sam. Mere minutes later Dean was back, sporting the jar of blood but not his younger brother. For a second, Bobby and Dean exchanged glances before moving on to more pressing matters. Dean popped the cap of the jar and dipped in two fingers looking vaguely green before carefully applying it in symbols to the smooth tiled wall. Castiel couldn't help but watch the hunter's fluid movements in wonder. Once done, Bobby stepped towards Cas.

"That's good enough." Bobby muttered gruffly, hands landing on the angel's withering vessel a little too roughly. "Step right up, Cas."

Despite the protest of the souls within him, and the ache of his vessel, Castiel tried to stand, allowing himself to be hastily steered towards the wall. Once the hand of support vanished, Castiel felt the world start to teeter and tilt around him, throwing him off balance as he swayed weakly on his feet.

"Lagnua Magna Purgatorii Clausa Est Ob Nos Lumine Eius Ab Oculis Nostris Retento." Behind him, Castiel could hear Bobby chant, every word bringing a new wave of fear to the angel. This was it, this would be the last time light touched the angel's wings. A breeze touched his cheeks or the rain kissed his vessel's skin. The world crashed around him, his knees giving out in a moment of weakness. However before he hit the ground, Dean was there, warm and smelling of blood and sweat and purity no man, woman or demon could blemish, holding up the limp angel. This would be the last time Castiel would enjoy the many aromas earth had to offer.

"Sed Nunc Stamus Ad Limen Huius Ianuae Magnae Et Demisse Fideliter Perhonorifice Paramus Aperire Eam" The chanting seemed to get louder, resounding within the angel who felt hollow and lost as he clung to his hunter. A sound that echoed throughout his vessel uncomfortably as Dean stepped away reluctantly; hands extended and ready to catch Cas should he fall again. Dean's touch would be the last his knew. His first and only kiss would be with a demon, never to be remedied. The last sight his eyes would see beside a black abyss of Purgatory was a tiled wall painted in a virgin's blood. No, if these were his last moments. He would spend them seeing the last person he wanted to see.

"Creaturae Terrificae Quarum Ungulae Et Dentes Nunquam Tetigerunt Carnem Humanam Aperit Fauces Eius Ad Mundum Nostrum Nunc."

The only person he had ever wanted to see. Knowing this was his goodbye, Castiel chanced a glance over his shoulder. Green eyes, wide and glittering with unbridled pain and tears locked onto the angels. Dean looked ready to dissolve into despair at any given moment. It hurt that Castiel was the cause of that pain.

"Ianua Magna Aperta Tandem!"

With those last spoken words the glowing gold seal cracked and opened into a black gaping hole, suctioning in the surrounding tiles on the wall to create a bigger circle

"I'm sorry, Dean." He murmured gently watching as apprehensions flitted over the hunters face, breaking in horror as realisation dawned there not moments after. Dean seemed to move in slow motion after that, body lurching forwards, hand extending out towards the angel who was already falling forwards into the gate.

There was the briefest moment of contact, Dean managing to snag a hold of the angel's trench coat.

"Don't you even think about it you son of a bitch!"

But Castiel was already shucking out of it, body disappearing into Purgatory leaving the hunter with soft fabric hanging from his finger tips as the door sealed over.

"...Cas?"

As the angel fell, an unexpected drop of moisture landed upon his cheek. Dipping his fingers carefully into the liquid, Castiel then brought them to eye level for inspection. It was a tear. One lone tear that had managed to escape the hunter's eye and land on Castiel's face as he fell. A tiny smile curved the angel's lips with the knowledge Dean had forgiven him.

"CAS!"

End Prologue

A/N: ;n; Sad, I know. Buuut! Before you all start sharpening your pitchforks, let me just say that I am bringing him back. D: So don't kill me yet. Anyway, don't forget to read and review if you liked this. :] Let me know what you think. Lots of loves guys and I'll see you next chapter.