I won the Battle, but she won the War
- -
He thinks I don't know.
Ha.
How Human, ignoring the obvious.
I've known for a while now.
That my husband, Chakotay, dearest darling Chakotay, is still in love with Kathryn Janeway.
My mentor, friend, and dare I say it...mother-figure?
I do not understand why. She made it clear to him on more than one occasion that they could never have a relationship, ever. Harry let slip once of when they were stranded upon a planet by themselves for a extended period, yet nothing happened. It amazed me, the attraction I saw between them at first was great so why ignore the obvious?
It eventually came to me that Humans do this, a lot.
Why? Does not skipping around the obvious just worsen a situation?
When Chakotay and I began our relationship I felt special that he had chosen me over Captain Janeway. That I was somehow superior to her, and I know I am in my mind that I am but he made that belief stronger.
Now, I realise I was nothing more than a compromise.
How I hate the sound of that word.
It sounds wrong to me, like I never meant anything to him at all. I was just a replacement.
I know I mean something to him, otherwise we would not have married. Marriage without love is illogical. At one time I would have called love irrelevant, but he has shown me that it is not. It can help shape and define who we are. By whom we loved and are loved by.
He helped me to explore my emotions, his affection was always there when he looked at me, I never saw love in his eyes. I believed what I wanted to believe.
I never had his heart at all.
Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway did.
I had his affection but not love. I should have seen this but as they say, 'Love is blind' and I realise how true that sentiment is.
I know our marriage will not last, how can he settle for second best when there are no restraints now on the first prize? After the incident at our wedding where the Captain left early I knew Chakotay would question her when he got the chance, but she is always one step ahead of us all and left Earth on some Inspection assignment. He went to see her last night when she came home, after five months of marriage I know we will divorce shortly. Give it a week or two, and Chakotay will tell me as kindly as he can that this marriage was a mistake.
And I agree, it was a compromise for him, it was a illogical decision for me. I will hold nothing against him or the Captain, we hastened to complete our lives after years of wandering the Delta Quadrant but the completion we sought was wrong.
He sought to move on, I sought to be accepted.
Acceptance, something I believe I will spend many years seeking, perhaps one day I will find it.
Now I will just wait for the inevitable, and I will hold my head high.
I realise now, that I won the Battle, but she won the War.
- -
A/N: Ta for reading if you got this far! Review and make my day!