A/N: My first Char/Addie fic, so I hope it's not too OOC(probably is, but whatever). Anyway, after Addison lost the baby she and Pete found in 1x08 she talked to Charlotte while sitting in the hallway and they kissed. That's where Addison get's confused…
It wasn't my intention. It wasn't our intention. It´s just something that happened – without any real excuses. We weren't drunk, we weren't under the influence of strong medicines, we were just sad, or well, mainly me. I was sad. Just because… because of everything. Because everything that could go wrong in my life went wrong that week. Okay, maybe not everything, of course there happen worse things in the world, but I did feel bad. I lost a baby in surgery – whether that was my fault or not -, and… I lost Pete, kind of. I mean, he stood me up. He literally stood me up, while he actually was the guy I thought might be the change I have been looking for… for such a long time. But of course he didn't know that, maybe he even had a good excuse… but if you know me, you know I'm proud, some might even call it arrogant. I'm so proud, that I can't forgive him, or give him another chance. I want to, but I can't.
I lost all the men in my life, Derek, Mark, Karev – Although I never really had him -, and Pete – even if we didn't even get a chance to start before it was over, which is mainly my fault. I haven't seen my family in years. Of course I keep in touch with them. - mainly with my brother because my parents annoy me, they're everything I don't want to be. And, last but not least, I'm infertile. I can't have kids. Yeah, that's right, the thing that I want the most is what I can't have. But that's nothing new.
As you can see, my life is quite a mess and I'm not really the happiest person on earth, because of all the things I just told you. But, the thing is, I didn't really care about those things when I was with her, it all just didn't really matter anymore when our lips met. Because at that moment, everything else faded away, all there was was us, our lips, our hands… touching everywhere. Of course we stopped before we could do something we would regret later, before we would loose control. The thing that is so weird is that I don't even regret it, kissing her, I mean. And I wouldn't mind doing it again. But it probably meant nothing, not to her anyway. She is the kind of person that doesn't really care. Or well, I know she cares – a lot actually – but she acts like she doesn't. So, let's say it was just a kiss - a very very hot kiss with a lot of touchingin many places – but still, just a kiss… a kiss that made my nipples harden like they were icicles and my heart beat a million times too fast. It made my head spin and want to rip her clothes off her body and touch all the places I hadn't been able to reach before. But, as I said before, just a kiss.
Those things and the fact that I felt that familiar tingly feeling in my stomach scare me, a lot. It scares me to death, because I'm not supposed to feel this way about something like that. About a woman. It's wrong and totally impossible, but that is actually one of my problems. As you read before, I always want what I can't have, what's just out of my reach, and my previous actions have learned me not to take it anyway. Never take what you can't have, because if you can't have it, it means you're not supposed to have it, that it's just not meant to be. When you take it anyway, you'll inevitably hurt yourself and other people, people you may care deeply about. And nobody wants to hurt people he cares about, right? I know I don't.
You've got to know that. I can't hurt people. I can't do things that hurt people. It kills me to hurt people. I care a lot about others, more than about myself, I think. Some might call it a blessing, but I see it as a curse I just have to live with, it's not easy – definitely not -, but it's the only way I can live with myself. I'd rather hurt myself than see someone else get hurt because of me.
From the outside, my life might look like a fairytale. I have a very successful career, I make a lot of money while I wouldn't even have to work if I wouldn't want to because I have enough money for the rest of my life. I live in LA in a beautiful beach house and I have a lot of other doctor friends with successful careers all over America. I can work wherever I want because I'm good at what I do and I'm still able to walk on killer heals without breaking my ankles and look good in skirts and tight dresses.
But of course, there are always things people from the outside don't see. The things they don't want to see, the things that make my life a whole lot less perfect. I can't have children, which is what I've dreamt of since I was a little girl. But those people don't know that, they just think I don't want them, because else I would take them, right? They don't know I'm infertile, and they don't have to know, but they are just too blind to notice there is so much more to life than a good career, a good reputation and a lot of money. And the two most important things are things that people often forgot to think about or do or be, things that a person needs like it needs oxygen. It's what every person needs to have a real fairytale life. Love. Happiness. Everybody needs to love and to be loved to be alive, to feel like someone that matters. Everybody needs to be happy, without happiness you can't have a fairytale because happiness is what makes the fairytale the fairytale. Without happiness the fairytale is no fairytale but simply a tale.
If you think about it, those two are connected. You can't be happy without love and you can't love without being happy, because love is a result of happy feelings. And you can only have those feelings when you're happy. But when you want to be happy, you'll first need happy thoughts, because they make you happy, and the best way to get happy – really happy – thoughts is to love and be loved. It's an interesting circle, one that's hard to find, but even harder to keep. One you need to achieve your end goal. To die. That sounds weird, bad even, but everybody dies in the end and the best way to do that is happy, fulfilled, because else your life had no purpose. So if your goal is to die happy, you need to be able to look back at your life and smile, something I'm not able to do at the moment. Because for me, a happy life means I have someone to share it with, which I don't.
Of course there are people that love me – I know that sounds very arrogant, but come on, you can say it too – but there is no person that loves me in that special way. The way that makes your heart flutter and knees buckle. Just look at the picture: I'm forty, divorced and infertile, and the only thing that I can think of that has made me happy and feel loved in that special way over the past few months – years, who knows – is that kiss. Although it is wrong in every single way, I want that kiss to happen again. I need it like a drug, I need her like a drug, and I can only hope she needs me too.
The 'she' I've been talking about the whole time is strong. She's a grounded woman that doesn't need, just like me actually. I'm usually not a person that needs, but I need her, I know that. She's the kind of woman you don't want as an enemy, because she can be very scary. But she's usually just very beautiful, with sparkling blue eyes and glossy blond hair. She's good at comforting - although she might see that differently -, she really is. As you may have guessed, that 'she' is Charlotte King, the chief of staff at Saint Ambrose Hospital, the first and only woman that has been able to make my head spin.
Now that my door opens and she walks into my office my heart misses a beat. What do I do now? Why is she here? But then I look at her, I really look at her, and I see the hesitant expression on her face, the search for love and happiness in her eyes, and I know, I just know she needs me too. Now I know what to do, so I get up and close the distance, feeling a weight fall from my shoulders when our lips meet again. It's not passionate, nor senseless, it's just soft and sweet, head spinning. It's the love that finally decided to walk into my life. Because this kiss and the fact that she needs me too give me happy thoughts, and those make for happiness. That happiness that I'm finally feeling gives me happy feelings so that I can love, so that I can love her.
A/N: Sooo, what did you think?(A)