Title: To Enrage a Teacher
Author: Padawan Jess Kenobi
Rating: Humor/Humor- PG13 for a bad word, and some… not little kid appropriate statements. ~_^
Disclaimer: You know the drill. All characters belong to the All Mighty J.K Rowling, and I make no profit, nor while I ever, off this story. Its all in good fun… *grin*
A/N: I know some characterization is a bit screwed up, but staying true to a character in a humor story is difficult. Please PLEASE review… *puppy dog pout*
Sirius Black's arm was sprawled across his desk, and his head rested lazily on it. James Potter, who was sitting next to him, could see that his best friend was about to doze off, so he elbowed him in the ribs. Sirius' head snapped up, and he rubbed his stomach protectively. They both looked over at Remus Lupin, their other friend. He was dutifully taking notes, appearing to be paying the utmost attention to their History of Magic teacher, Professor Binns. Peter sat across from Remus, and he also looked extremely bored, but since he was nearly failing this class, was forced to pay rapt attention.
James felt like falling asleep, and Sirius looked like he was about to. The handsome boy had straightened up after being nudged in the ribs, but was fiddling with his wand, obviously not paying attention to the lesson. He and James were tied for the highest grades in the class, so not paying attention wouldn't hurt their grades anyway.
Sirius tossed his head back and lazily ran a hand through his ear-length raven hair. His bangs fell back down, cascading in his face in waves, silky strands enunciated by the light. He let out a loud sigh, and leaned back on his chair, tipping it on two legs, and pushing himself back in forth in an attempt to amuse himself. James also sighed, and lay his head in his hand in boredom as Professor Binns droned on about something. Adjusting his glasses slightly, and ruffling his hair, he looked over to the red-haired Lily Evans, who shot him a glare.
Sirius suddenly eased his chair back down, a grin slowly turning his lips upward. He looked over at James, and then at Snape, sneakily bringing his wand underneath the desk. James leaned over to try and see what his friend was doing, but Sirius seemed to be paying to much attention to the bottom of his desk. His arm moved in slow motions for a few moments, and then James could see Sirius' wrist giving a flicking motion.
James looked a seat in front of Sirius, which is where the greasy figure of Severus Snape sat erectly. The Slytherin and the Marauders had always hated each other, but James and Snape hated each other the most out of them all. His attention was turned back to the thin figure of his best friend when James heard Sirius mutter a spell he couldn't make out.
Nothing happened for a few seconds, but then something started forming above Snape's head. The greasy-haired Slytherin hadn't noticed, but the other students, (the ones that weren't asleep anyways) had easily turned their attention on the mist. Pink, flashing lettering had appeared, and it slowly formed to words. There was a blinking arrow underneath the still-forming words, and it was plainly pointing down at Snape, who hadn't noticed any of it. Remus looked over to Professor Binns, who was too busy writing on the chalkboard to notice anything else, and flashed Sirius and James a grin.
The grin was still on Sirius' face, and even from a side view, James could see the mischievous twinkle in his midnight blue eyes. The words were legible now, and there was simultaneous, loud laughter at what it formed. In neon pink, flashing letters, the phrase: 'I want to be Professor Binn's love monkey' had appeared over Snape's head, coupled with that flashing arrow that pointed down at the Slytherin.
The class seemed to be in hysterics, the funny incident increased by the fact that they had been bored to death previously. Professor Binns turned around sharply to see what was so amusing. His eyes widened at the words that were apparent over the confused Snape's head, which was looking around to see what everyone was laughing at. "Who- who is responsible for this?" Binns cried, looking around at the still-laughing students.
Sirius leaned back in his chair innocently, seeming to laugh in stride with everyone else. Binns was perfectly aware of the hatred between the Slytherins and Gryffindors, and his eyes immediately roamed over to Sirius, who had his trademark grin on his face.
"Mr. Black? Is this your doing?' He demanded, motioning towards the words frantically.
All eyes immediately lay upon the daring second year, who didn't seem fazed a bit. "Professor, I'm as innocent as I appear." His expression changed into one that would melt anyone's heart. His eyes seemed bigger and bluer- like a reflective ocean before a storm. His lips were formed into a charming smile, and his strands of silky hair framed his eyes perfectly, yet effortlessly. The most innocent expression was placed on his face, and if a neon-like sign and arrow hadn't suggested that Snape wanted to be his "love monkey," the Professor would have smiled at the boy's charm.
However, Professor Binns didn't want to let the young Black get away with this. He knew it was Sirius; even James, Remus and Peter wouldn't dare to do something as bold as this in the middle of class. He would have to get the truth out of the boy the hard way.
Sirius almost allowed himself a grin. The Professor seemed to be falling for his innocent expression. When he had said that he was as innocent as he looked, he had taken it into account that the old teacher probably wouldn't be able to see the inevitable, devilish glint in his eyes. Binns looked at him, seeming convinced, but secretly playing his part.
"Very well, Mr. Black. I believe you. If it was not you, I know who it really was. Mr. Potter… detention." Sirius and James' mouths both dropped open at the same time.
"Professor…I…"
"Professor…he…" Protests were made by both boys, but Binns held up his hand to silence them. He could barely stop his lips from twitching up in a smirk. Sirius' innocent expression had fallen off his face, and he looked stunned. James also looked surprised.
By now, Snape had found out about the words over his head, and was glaring at the Marauders, snarling in anger.
"Enough, boys. For pulling such a stunt and using such… explicit-" he almost blushed, "innuendo as you have, Mr. Potter, you will have three days of detention starting tomorrow." James took it all in stride, and without even a reproachful look at Sirius, he nodded obediently and silently. "Now, back to the lesson…the history of magic is a long and complicated line of events. Important people, important dates, important spells, incantations…"
Sirius raising his hand interrupted him in his sentence. "Yes, Mr. Black?" Binns said, knowing what was coming next.
Sirius couldn't believe it that Binns had given James detentions for his prank. He saw James redden for a second, but then his best friend accepted the punishment, and hadn't even given him a single nasty look. Sirius couldn't just let his friend get in trouble for his prank. Besides, it was quite a genius phrase and idea he had… he couldn't have James taking all the credit…and he was feeling guilty already that the boy got his detentions.
"'Scuse me, Professor. One thing to say, one tiny comment. I noticed that you gave my best friend three detentions for that prank. You know, that's a bit excessive, don't you think? I mean, it was just a harmless prank. It's not like Snape sprouted a tail or anything. Oh, and- uh, it was my fault. My prank. Not James'. So the detentions are mine…yeah…thanks." He gave a tiny cough at the end of his little speech, and placed one hand behind his head.
Binns smiled inwardly at the boy, but plastered a reproachful look on his face. The loyalty that Sirius, James, Remus and Peter showed towards each other was astonishing. The Professor knew that once he had given James the detentions meant for Sirius, the raven-haired boy would confess so his friend wouldn't get his detention. "Very well, Mr. Black. Thank you for your honesty though it would have been much better received for telling the truth the first time. An extra hour of detention for lying."
Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but shut it immediately, not wanting to get in more trouble… at the moment. He slumped back into his chair, sighing. "Now, to take that spell off you, Mr. Snape…" Binns continued.
Sirius bolted upright in his seat, eyes wide. "No! Professor, don't!" He shouted, but it was too late. Binns had shot a spell towards the words, and blue sparks erupted out of the wand tip. Nothing happened for a second, so James looked over at Sirius to see what was wrong. The usually mischievous and carefree boy looked horribly nervous, and his eyes kept darting to the door.
Everyone stared at the words and arrow above Snape's head, wondering why nothing was happening. There was a small flash of light, but instead of disappearing, the words faded, and new ones appeared in place of it. James choked in hysterics, almost falling out of his seat when he saw what the words read.
Emerald, signature written words were in place of the old ones and Binns' face turned a violent shade of red when he read them. The arrow blinked even more furiously, and the words above it read: "Stuff some galleons down my bra, and you'll see how much fun we can have tonight, Binns."
There were loud guffaws and roars of laughter as a kid in the back of the room fell out of his seat in hilarity. Binns threw another spell at the words to disappear them, but only new ones appeared. This time, the new phrase made five students total fall out of their seats, and the Professor's face to turn an ugly, violet shade.
The words now read: "Care to join me for an erotic fuck?" Binns turned around to Sirius, who was trying to hold back his laughter due to the fact that Binns looked like he was about to skin the boy alive. Sirius' eyes dashed to the door again as the enraged teacher rounded on him.
"Bloody hell, professor," Sirius said nervously, scooting backwards in his seat. "You may want to control that anger… you may pop a vein… or your face will stay that color permanently or something." Sirius felt the edge of the seat with his hand, and swung his long legs over the back, landing gracefully on his feet.
Binns was advancing slowly, and his eyes glistened dangerously as his wand arm raised. Sirius gave one last look at the door, and then over Binn's shoulder to his friends, who were still laughing. When the Professor was fairly close to him, Sirius turned around, and bolted out of the door. The students were surprised to see Binn's run after him.
Sirius, being young and athletic, was able to clear the halls quickly. However, the Professor after him must have enhanced his speed with a spell, because he was gaining on the thin boy. The young Black skidded around a corner, narrowly smacking into a wall. Binns was only half a corridor behind, when Sirius saw the Headmaster muttering the password into his office. He put on extra speed, and sprinted towards him, nearly bumping into Dumbledore.
The Headmaster looked down in amusement as the boy hid behind his long, flowing cloak. "Is something the matter, Mr. Black?" He asked pleasantly.
Sirius peered around the Headmaster's cloak, and was able to make out the form of Binns taking the corner of this hallway. "Um, yes Headmaster. I-uh- I" he struggled to think of something as the thought of what Binns would do to him if he was caught crossed his mind. "I set the kitchen on fire. Come on, I think you need to take me up to your office right now, so we can discuss my childish and unacceptable behavior." If the situation of the probable fact that Professor Binns were going to kill him for his prank wasn't so nerve-wracking, Sirius would have laughed at the excuse that just popped out of his mouth.
Dumbledore's lips turned upwards into a smile. "Did you now, Mr. Black? That's most fascinating, due to the account that I just came back from the kitchens. It seemed in perfect working order."
"Did you?" Sirius asked rhetorically. "I'm sorry, you must have missed those giant…orange…flames of death…" He let out a nervous cough, but then brightened as the entrance to the Headmaster's office was fully revealed. "Come on, Headmaster, I've been bad; punish me. Take me to your office, and thrash me with the whip of non-physical punishment." Sirius knew he sounded completely delirious and crazy, but he had just taken another look at the nearing Binns, who looked furious, enraged and pissed.
Dumbledore almost laughed at the behavior of the boy. "All right then, Mr. Black. Come up to my office, I think we need to discuss things." They made their way up the stairs, Sirius bounding up them at a flat run. Dumbledore looked behind him, and through the closing, could see the figure of an enraged Professor Binns. The Headmaster smiled to himself, and shook his head, putting two and two together and figuring out why Sirius was so anxious to get up to his office.
When Dumbledore entered the room, he looked at Sirius, who was looking wildly around the room. "Please, sit down Mr. Black," Dumbledore said, motioning to a high backed chair. Sirius ran to it like his butt was on fire, and sat down, trying to see if the chair concealed his form from the back. Albus took his usual seat behind his long desk, and looked across at Sirius from half-moon spectacles. "What is the meaning of your…unusual… behavior, Mr. Black?"
Sirius was about to answer, when the door to Dumbledore's office slammed open. Without even looking back, Sirius let out a shout, "Hit the deck!" he cried, leaping off the chair, and onto the ground. Peering around the elegant chair, Sirius saw his suspicions were correct, and Binns was at the door, fuming with anger.
"What is the meaning of this, Professor Binns?" Dumbledore inquired, never once losing his calm tone.
"Boy…erotic…love monkey…stuff my bra…Snape…" he said incoherently, panting heavily, almost bent in two in exhaustion.
At this, Albus' calm facade almost cracked, and he just halted a chuckle. "Pardon?" He asked politely. His eyes caught the cautious movement of Sirius, who was stealthily hiding behind the various chairs, and scrambling over to the Headmaster. Dumbledore had to smile. He would never admit it, but Sirius, James and Remus were his favorite students at Hogwarts, even though they got in trouble so often. Sirius stumbled over to Dumbedore's desk, ducking low, and diving behind it.
"That boy… Black… he is in deep trouble. Enchanted words… inappropriate phrases I dare not utter…" Binns panted again, trying to make more sense.
Sirius suddenly lost his footing, and slammed his head on Dumbledore's desk, letting out a loud yelp. Binns snapped his head up, and before Dumbledore had time to protest, had cast "Wingardium Leviousa" on Siruis' leg, which had become visible when he had hit his head. The boy flew upwards, suspended in midair.
"Professor Binns!" Dumbledore admonished severely. "Do put my student down!"
"Yeah, down is good!" Sirius piped up cheekily, not able to help himself. Binns complied, and Sirius was slammed onto the floor. He picked himself up quickly, and looked between the two teachers.
"This student here had the nerve to place a spell upon Mr. Snape, that made inappropriate phrases hover over his head! And trust me when I say this, Headmaster, inappropriate and demeaning! Things that are not acceptable in my classroom!" Dumbledore looked over to Sirius, who didn't even look guilty. The Professor advanced to the center of the room forcibly.
"Headmaster, you must understand that I only put one spell on Snape. Professor Binns then cast another one him, which in turn caused other words to appear that I had no control of!" Sirius knew that he was lying through his teeth. He knew that the spell he had placed on Snape wouldn't go away unless a very specific counter-curse was said, and any other would cause the words to form into another suggestive statement.
"YOU!" Binns shrieked, not able to say anything else.
"Now, Professor. I think we should just forget about this and be friends. Besides, the love monkey thing was found in your diary anyway, and you didn't mind it at all back when you were in your sixth year… oh hell…" Sirius shut his mouth, realizing he had said too much. Last week, he and the other three Marauders had found Binn's diary that he must have left around by mistake. It was a very naughty account of information, and they had made several… hundred… copies of each and every page.
If possible, Binn's face got even redder, and twisted in even more fury. Dumbledore had been sitting calmly through the whole thing, but was having a hard time not laughing. The Professor let out a roar, and Sirius sprinted past him, throwing the door open and running down the stairs. Binns followed shortly after, growling in rage.
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, wondering if he should stop the furious Professor. "Poor Sirius has a better chance of successfully shaving a Hippogriff than coming out of this one alive." Pulling out a crumpled packet of parchment from his pocket, the Headmaster flipped a couple pages, and then read. After a few minutes, he looked over to his Phoenix, Fawkes, who was looking at him curiously. A smile curled his lips upwards, and the Headmaster's blue eyes twinkled with mirth. "Young Black was right, Fawkes. Professor Binns did indeed enjoy the love monkey phrase back in his day."