Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. The BBC just left the lid off their sandbox.

o~O~o

"Merlin, get over here! I've got to get going, now!"

Merlin froze on the threshold of the prince's chambers – one hand clutching a silverware jug while the other balanced a loaded plate of food – and stared in surprise at his master. Arthur was fully dressed and halfway through donning his armour; he gestured his manservant closer urgently, allowing Merlin time to ditch the food and formulate the obvious question on his tongue.

"Why? What's wrong?"

Arthur grimaced and rolled his shoulders so the chainmail he'd just pulled on fell as it was meant, before reaching for chest plates and gauntlets. "The lower town is under attack from a sorcerer."

Merlin felt his stomach contract, his thoughts instantly skipping to the wellbeing of its many citizens, namely Gwen. "What? Then why isn't the warning bell ringing?"

"Because we don't want to risk startling her." Arthur grunted his gratitude as Merlin strapped him up from the back, his movements made deft by urgency. "She seems to be taking her time about targeting the fishpond, and my father feels that sounding the alarm would hurry her into doing something rash. This way we have a chance of catching her unawares."

Despite his concern for the wellbeing of the people, Merlin couldn't quite hide his skepticism. "All this for a fishpond?"

"People eke their livelihoods out of that thing, not to mention it being an invaluable source of fresh water," Arthur countered, his eyes gaining the far-off quality they did whenever he was contemplating the fate of his citizens. Merlin almost missed it, focused as he was on a sudden bolt of inspiration that had illuminated the more mischievous alcoves of his mind.

"How do you know she's a sorcerer?" he asked, ducking his head to hide his smile. "Has she been displaying any fishy behaviour?"

Arthur either missed or ignored the pun. "A merchant caught her muttering incantations over the water; it's evidence enough that she's using sorcery against us."

"Oh I see, I see," the manservant said easily. "But it could be a turtle mistake."

"My father doesn't make mistakes. Anyway, her actions betray her purpose; isn't it better to be safe than sorry, and to apprehend her?"

"But what if she is just a senile old woman?" Merlin pressed, aware that he could be placing the future of the kingdom, and potentially Arthur's life, in danger, but on too much of a role to care. "This could end up one giant mess that just leaves everyone with a head-hake."

"I doubt that, Merlin. Anyway, we'll respond accordingly to the situation when we get down there; if she proves aggressive, well … it's her own damn fault, I say."

Merlin's brow creased; sorcerer or no, he had never approved of just running someone through like they were a training dummy or something. Lives were valuable enough that you weren't supposed to toss them aside like bones to the dogs around the dinner table. "At least take some time to mullet over, won't you?"

Arthur frowned irritably. "Enough with your prattle, Merlin, I've wasted enough time as it is."

"Whale, excuse me!"

The prince slipped his sword into his belt and made for the door, glancing back at his manservant as he did so. "I won't be long. Have a bath waiting for me when I get back, alright?"

Merlin folded his arms across his chest. "So you're dolphinitely going, then?"

"Yes, Merlin, the kingdom's in danger."

"Let minnow if anything changes, alright?"

"Will do."

"Because I'm sure the account I'll be herring from the palace servants won't be entirely accurate."

"Oh, definitely not." Merlin saw a gleam spring to his master's eyes at the thought of relating any heroic exploits. "Oh, and one more thing, Merlin." He held up a finger to forestall argument. "The council's meeting first thing tomorrow to deal with matters of state, so I'll need you here bright and early to tend to me."

"You're squidding!" Merlin groaned, all his hopes of snagging a lie-in cruelly imploding in his mind's eye. "Can't you get salmon else to do it?"

"Good servants are hard to come by, Merlin, you know that."

"But I'm not very good."

"Oh, I know that; I just like to inconvenience you. It's fun."

Merlin scowled at his master, adding sullenly, "You can be a right pain in the bass sometimes, you know that?"

"Oh, yes," the prince said cheerfully, shuffling out of the room so only his head remained. "And Merlin?"

"Yes, sire?"

"… Those jokes were carp."

Then he disappeared, shutting the door behind him with a cheerful snap; completely oblivious to the stunned silence he'd left in his princely wake.

o~O~o

A/N:

My sister and I had a late night pun-off the other day, and – though it worked its way into my writing - it's not something I would recommend doing; some of the jokes we exchanged were cod awful. But that aside, the whole time I could see Arthur and Merlin doing something similar and, given that I had a free afternoon, I figured 'why not?' And this is the result. Hope you like it.

Reviews are welcomed like boxes of newborn puppies on my doorstep. As mentioned above, I don't own Merlin. If I did, Morgana's face would be stuck that way and Agravaine would have drowned in a bog five minutes into season four. 'Nuff said.