Disclaimer: I do not own the characters used in this fic.
This is a one-shot that has just come to me, a bit late, I know, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
'The first day of the rest of my life.' That's what you said to me. You said that there could be nothing better for me than splitting with Phil. Well there could. There could be you and me. But of course, that would never happen. Not only are you still living in Nottingham, undercover, and I broke the fundamental rule of not contacting an undercover officer, sorry about that but you were the only person I felt I could tell about my split with Phil, you're my closest friend. But also, I'm straight. There's no way I can have feelings for another woman, especially not you. You're the one person I can rely on, no matter what happens, no matter how much I muck up; you'll always be there to reassure me. I can't spoil that bond by breaking your heart, and let's face it, that's what I'll do, no matter how much I care for you, I'd find a way to ruin it, relationships always end in tears when I'm concerned.
When I called you up, I felt safe; I felt like the person I should be, the person I want to be. You do that to me, you make me feel complete. How can I carry on living the way I do? Living a lie. I want to tell you how I feel, I want to show you that I care, but letting my guard slip, it's not easy. If you don't want me, I'll never be able to have that bond back between us, it'll be different, no matter how much we convince ourselves we won't change our attitudes towards each other, it won't last. It would ruin everything we have, everything I rely on, so I'm sorry, but I can't tell you.
No matter where you are, you're causing me trouble. If I'm around you, I'm conscious of every action, ensuring I don't do something I regret, something that will let you know how I feel about you. But when were apart, like now for instance, and I can't see your face, rarely hear your voice, it breaks my heart, I miss you more than I could ever know, I can't bare to feel this way all the time.
When you speak to me, you show me more affection than I could ever need, but it's not what I want, friendship just isn't enough, no matter how great a friendship it is, I'm constantly wanting more. So that's why I can never see you again, never hear your voice; never see your face.
You make my life too complicated. I've always known what I want from my life, a career that I can be proud of, a career that I love. That's all I ever wanted. Even when I had Abi, I never wanted more than my career; she was never something I pined for. I love her, of course I do, but a child was never something I felt I needed. She just happened to come along, and now, I'm glad she did, but you're the thing that really shook up my life. From the moment I met you, I felt like I needed you in my life to complete it, to complete me. You've turned my world upside-down and inside out. Nothing makes sense anymore.
When you smile at me, I feel something I didn't think was humanly possible. I can't describe it; there are no words to tell you how I feel about you, to tell you how you make me feel. I could try, but I don't think I'd do my feelings justice, I can't express my feelings at the best of times, how do you expect me to be able to tell you this.
I hope I'm not hurting you too much by removing myself from your life, I'm only sorry I can't bring myself to give you the choice, I'm sorry I can't say goodbye to your face, but it would hurt me too much. This is everything I cannot tell you. I hope you can forgive me. Well, you were right, this is the first day of the rest of my life, I'm just sorry I can't spend it with you. So goodbye Jo, I love you.
Sam xXx
Jo clutched the limp body in her arms, re-reading the final sentence of the note the blonde had left, a tear creeping into her eye, she whispered, "Goodbye Sam, I love you too."
Folding the note and placing it in her pocket, she allowed the scene of crime officers to do their job. She left the house, returning to her car for the journey back to Nottingham, wishing she had reached Sam quicker.