Baaaaaad Experiences in
Sheep-napping
By Dragonfriend
I groaned.
Damn it, we needed to win that Beautiful Sheep and Shepherdess Competition to
get that mirror and go home! I absently walked out of the barn, dragging along
the golden Prince Wendell in his dog form, plotting the whole time. Virginia
could do for the shepherdess, at least. Now all I needed was the sheep. I
leaned up against a fence post, looking at Prince.
"I don't
suppose you'd know where I could snag a sheep, do you?" I asked the dog,
half expecting his aristocratic voice to follow my question. No such luck. I
actually missed it. "Where the hell am I supposed to find a sheep?" I started
to pace, tossing my hands up into the air. "This could take longer than I've
got!"
A bleat
happened to pull myself back to reality. As I turned to field before me, I
could have sworn I heard a heavenly choir singing "Hallelujah" or something.
There before me, clustered in the middle of the field, were sheep. Fifty off
them, all with that annoyingly large red P on their backs to shout to the world
that these were the Peeps' sheep. I rubbed my hands together. I was sure that
the Peeps wouldn't mind me borrowing just one of their sheep.
Now how to
catch the thing.
Well,
I thought, how hard could it be?
How to
catch it. Um…
"Here,
sheep!" I called. "Here, sheep!" The sheep didn't even move. "Here sheepy
sheepy sheepy!" I tried again. Nope, that didn't work either.
What do
I have to do? Lasso the damn thing?
Seeing no
other option, I went back to the barn to get some rope.
THE START OF HOUR #1
I walked
out of the barn, makeshift lasso in hand. I climbed over the whitewashed fence
onto the field and spun the lasso around wildly. I suppose I must have gotten a
little carried away. This didn't seem too bad. It couldn't be too hard,
right? Wrong.
I tossed my
arm forward, hoping the catch the lasso on a sheep. Instead, it latched onto
the fence post behind me. It came up out of the ground and whacked me on my
ass. Once I had gotten the fence post out, I tried again. I spun it in the air
a few times and tossed my arm forward, again hoping to catch the damn sheep.
Instead, I fell forward and got a mouthful of grass and dirt for my trouble.
Looking up, I realized that I had caught the lasso around myself. I untangled
myself and glared at the lasso.
This was
going to be a long morning.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
"HEEEEEEEEERE
SHEEPY SHEEPY SHEEPY!" I shouted. I had been doing this for thirty minutes and
was about to give up. The sheep hadn't even budged.
Okay,
Tone, think. I can't even use a lasso and calling it isn't working. Maybe if I
chase it, I'll be able to catch the sheep.
Chasing? It
was worth a try, wasn't it?
I crossed
the field slowly and attempted to be silent. My goal: the flock of fifty sheep
belonging to the Peeps. Mentally, I selected one of the sheep, the one with the
most fleece. Its red Peep marking glared at me, daring me to try to get it.
That sheep was MINE! I lunged at it, but it had apparently seen me and raced
away. For such a little thing, that sheep was fast! So, I chased after it.
Unfortunately, it led me in a few circles around the enclosure and somehow
ended up on the other side of the pen. From it's new spot, it bleated at me,
laughing it seemed.
"You're
going down, sheep!" I declared, feeling foolish. However, I did feel
better after saying so.
That being
said, I proceeded to chase the sheep again. All around the field we went, me
chasing the fluffy annoyance. One time, I came really close to catching
it, but its fleecy tail flew through my fingers and I ended up on the grassy
field again with a mouthful of grass again. The sheep I was trying to catch
bleated at me, laughing. It's friends joined in, as well.
It was then
I got a better idea: Food.
END OF HOUR #1
With an old
burlap sack in hand, I hurried down the street to the Baa-Bar where I had
consumed about ten pints of Barbara Peep's cider the night before. And I didn't
even like cider.
THE START OF HOUR #2
"Look,
Barbara, I need some food that a sheep might like," I said finally.
"A-----sheep?"
Barbara looked confused. I didn't blame her.
"Yeah," I
replied, smiled. "See, my sheep seems to like the food here."
"I…see…"
I held open
the sack with a big smile plastered on my face. "Load me!"
She did,
filling up the sack with food. As she did, my smile widened. That sheep was as
good as mine.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
I climbed
over the fence again.
"Hey,
sheepy! Look what I've got!" I called, waving the sack around in the air like a
lunatic. I opened it, letting the smell taunt the sheep. All I had to do was
wait.
TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER
I had
formed a trail of food for the sheep to follow. I grinned as a cluster of sheep
formed in front of me. Damn, those sheep are stupid.
Sure,
Tone. If that's true, why has it taken you about and hour and a half to catch
one?
"Shut up,"
I told myself. "I can do this."
I lunged
forward to grab a sheep. Or tried to. Instead, it bolted between my legs and we
went on a mad chase through Little Lamb Village.
END OF HOUR #2
The chase
continued. And I was REALLY tired.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Well, I had
finally caught the sheep. Feeling victorious, I grabbed a few curtains
from some clothes lines and went back to the barn, hanging the curtains up on a
line. I didn't see Wolf, but I DID see Virginia. I had to drag the sheep over
to her. She looked somewhat pretty now, asleep. I practically shoved the sheep
in her face.
"Well, what
do you think?" I asked.
I almost
anticipated the scream that came from her lips.
"Don't
scare it! It took me three hours to catch it!"
"Dad, why
have you stolen a sheep?" she demanded as I proceeded to shave the annoying red
P off of the sheep.
"For the
competition," I replied, wishing the sheep would hold still.
"Oh no,"
she groaned, repeating no as she starting to lie back down.
"Yes yes
yes! How else are we supposed to get that mirror?"
"I'm a
waitress, not a shepherdess! I don't know the first thing about sheep!"
Virginia protested.
"You don't
have to. That's the beauty of my plan."
"Well this
sheep sucks. It's not going to win anything! It looks like it's about to die!"
"It won't
once it's had a trip down the magic wishing well," I started to leave, grabbing
the sheep with me. "You start making your costume while I get it dipped."
"My
costume?" she asked, looking puzzled.
"Yeah," I
replied, grabbing the curtains. "Who would have thought that these used to be
curtains?"
