Messing with a Stark
A/N: Hey guys! This is my first attempt at writing something humorous on the Avengers and I really hope this is actually funny, LOL.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel and I own nothing.
Cap woke up that not-so-quiet sunny morning to a commotion in the common area there at the Stark tower. He rubbed his eyes swearing in all politeness at those who were involved, jumped right up, hurriedly put on his clothes and got onto the elevator. He was joined by Bruce on the next floor who seemed to be slightly irritated by the abusive and not so civilized exchange 'cause it was interceding with his experiments and not his sleep but Steve maintained his distance and the silence inside the cabinet in fear of the giant green guy being evoked.
The 10th floor and the two got out and were quickly headed towards the hall where Tony, Thor, Natasha, Clint and much to their uneasy surprise, Loki were all present. Thor and Tony were arguing in a manner and tone that even a fool could tell was serious, yet Tony retained his sarcasm and Thor his regal poise and modesty.
"There's no way in hell I'm letting this sly brother of yours stay here in my tower, Golidilocks!" Tony scoffed, not losing his composure "For goodness' sake, after all the damage that he has caused hoping to make all the Midgardians as you so fondly call us, kneel and bow down to his petty might, accompanied by that so called army of whacky, capricious aliens, do you in all wisdom faithfully believe that I would let him live here with earth's greatest heroes and roam about freely? You may be out of your mind and senses but I am most definitely not!"
"Oh come on, Man of Iron, my brother has promised that he won't cause any more of trouble, well at least he'd try to" Thor announced in all magnificence shedding it and almost squealing at the last part.
"Pray tell me, how many times before this has he said the very same thing and how many times have you let yourself sway with his sweet words, only to hold yourself responsible for all the casualties and mishaps later?" Tony demanded, making Thor's face shrink to become just as large as a rat's.
"And before I start uttering unkind words..." Stark continued equipped with pun "And Cap is back to his language chant, take him away, for I don't want to so much as set my eyes upon that doomed face of his."
"God Tony, don't drag me into this." Steve grimaced and turned just in time to look at Clint who fluttered a blink-and-a-miss smirk.
"Oh please just stop it guys!" Natasha intervened paving way for Bruce to step in.
"Yeah, people! Thor, tell me why does Loki want to stay here in the first place?" Bruce tried to act sensibly.
"Friend, he says he wishes to befriend us and atone for his mistakes." Thor answered patiently.
"That's right. I know what I did was catastrophic but everyone deserves a chance to be forgiven, be it a man or a god!" That was the first time Loki spoke, smiling mysteriously.
"Mistakes against men can be forgiven whereas the same cannot be said about mistakes against mankind, Asgardian." Tony managed to turn down his point a little bit.
"Let's give him that chance, Tony." Steve looked at him calmly and idealistically with Bruce nodding in agreement, Thor grinning excitedly, looking at his brother lovingly and Loki smiling back at him suspiciously in the background.
"Fine!" Tony spat in a suppressed growl "Do whatever you like to do but the next time this God of Mischief does something nasty, I will invent and synthesize equally, if not more, nasty ways to deal with him." With a satirical laugh he left and the matters stood there.
"Brucey!" Bruce heard Tony call out his name while he was absorbed in mixing two unpleasantly colored fluids together.
"What is it Tony? Can't you see that i'm... working? " Bruce's jaw dropped as looked up to face Tony who he expected was there to show him another one of his suits but what he saw re-instilled his faith in the ultimate unpredictability of the Billionaire and made him giggle at his own idiocy for the man had turned up with something as pitiably insignificant as a laptop.
"Tony, please tell me you did not distract me in order to draw my attention towards that toy." Bruce chuckled erratically making Tony roll his eyes.
"Ghosh, Bruce! This is no toy, this is my way of making that Reindeer games realize what he's dealing with." Tony replied in all contentment.
"A laptop?" Quizzed Bruce, raising his eyebrows and studying Tony's face to make sure he hadn't been driven insane by the chaos that morning.
"Yeah. I'm gonna tell him this thing has all of ours and Stark Industries' secrets and lure him into attempting breaking into it and that's when hilarity will ensue and the invincible Man of Iron will settle humanity's scores with that vile Asgardian."
"No, like literally? Does the richest man on the planet, the self-proclaimed genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist have nothing to do barring playing around with a maniac who is apparently a god, responsible for all the collateral damage in New York last month assisted by his deadly invading forces? Huh, goodness, give me a break! "
"Before i answer that, you gotta tell me, on what grounds did you approve of that impish fellow joining us over?" Tony snarled.
"Oh come on, be rational for once and permit him to do whatever he wishes to. If he triggers trouble, he'll have us to deal with." Stated Bruce.
"Well then, who am i to object what the Avengers have set their minds upon for that's exactly what i'm gonna do, demonstrate it to him and his allies what it's like messing with Anthony Edward Stark." Snickered Tony with a twinkle in his eye.
Bruce gave his forehead a light hit as the adamancy of Stark was well known to him but that didn't stop him from smirking thereafter in communicating his consent.
That evening at the dinner table, everyone witnessed Tony strolling about pompously, tossing and turning a laptop continuously. At more than one instance did it almost topple and fall to the floor but he caught it right in time.
The act aroused Loki's curiosity as well his gentler counterpart's, so much that they couldn't contain it. With his breath held and brain conspiring, The Mischief Maker waited for his brother to spill the beans of his anxiety.
"What is it you have in your hand, Man of Iron?" Thor asked at last "And why are you walking around with it?"
"I wanted to ask the same question too, Stark!" Admitted Clint "And a laptop for real? You've got Jarvis and you've got all those phones and smart watches and what not!"
"Yeah well, this was needed for the safe-keeping of our secrets. And oh, Stark Industries' as well. This is but a backup 'cause Jarvis has it too but then again, it is priceless even if it is but a copy and should not get into wrong hands!" He exclaimed going paranoid in the vicinity of Loki and blinking sporadically at the rest excluding Thor.
Loki's ears stood up as soon as the word 'secrets' was pronounced and the way Tony was whispering and highlighting the susceptibility of it fed to his restlessness.
He was cunningly staring at the laptop the whole time while having dinner, with all but him realizing it.
Loki was just in lookout for the right opportunity, waiting impatiently with his eyes and ears open like a hungry lion waiting to pounce on its prey and that opportunity knocked at his door on its own, assuming the form of Captain Abominable. Oops, America.
One evening he found the Captain who had agreed to become the bait to attract and trap the rat, struggling with the electronic device they called a computer, visibly addled and Loki instantly knew this was the gadget he was after, courtesy the cover with the logo of Stark Industries in grey over the smooth, embossed black background.
It looked like all of the world's empathy and humility had entered him as he walked up to him without wasting any more time.
"What is the matter, Captain?" He asked after sneaking into the chamber and occupying the chair placed right behind him.
The Captain quite flawlessly faked being startled making his teammates acknowledge his talent and opine he was one hell of an artist as they sat catching it, live in the huge home theatre on the 20th floor.
"Uh, oh!" Stuttered Cap "I was just trying to do what Tony asked me to, enter information about all our missions into this thing so that it could be efficiently replicated into SHIELD's databases and into Jarvis but you know well how decapitated and paralyzed all this tech and stuff can make me feel after being revived from the ice after 70 years!" Cap laughed it off.
"Oh, if you want i can help." Loki did a nearly believable, grand show of compassion making Cap smirk evilly.
"But are you sure you can manage? I heard Asgard doesn't have computers."
"What you heard isn't true, dear Captain." Responded Loki, boastfully showing his pathetic lying techniques "We have the most advanced Tech up there in Asgard, more advanced than yours and this, my friend, would be cakewalk." He added even though his way with technology was perfectly aligned with Steve's.
"That's great then!" Said Cap, handing over the laptop to him "All yours!"
Loki smiled gleefully as he took the laptop, in heart of hearts mocking Midgardian stupidity but as soon as he touched the keyboard, he let out a wild scream and withdrew his palm involuntarily.
"Yikess!" He shouted "What in the 9 realms was that?"
"Oh my god, i forgot to tell you! I'm so sorry, this thing gives a mild electric shock to anyone who is not an Avenger and living here in the Stark Tower for months I had almost forgotten that people venturing into this place can also be Non-Avengers!" He worriedly snapped, controlling his laughter "But don't worry, that won't happen again, it shocks only once, handle it with care, God of Mischief."
"Avengers and non-avengers, now that is a novel way of categorizing this underdeveloped species." Loki huffed mentally "But I better be extra cautious now."
"Sir, I had to go and fetch Romanoff's and Clint's accounts of the battles as that would add to the usefulness of this data. So, if you'd please excuse me?"
"Sure, Cap!" Grinned Loki "For that was what he required, to be left alone with it. Not that he was cynical of his capabilities to steal those secrets from under the nose of Captain America but being left on his own would mean no more distractions.
As soon as the Captain left, the lights went off due to what Loki perceived as a supposed power failure and as Cap joined to complete his team upstairs they japed at his shell-headedness for anyone who had even been distantly associated with Tony Stark would've known that a power failure was the least probable thing to happen in a place that he visited even once in a blue moon and this was about a skyscraper in the heart of New York bearing the Stark name. Tony was often raving about paving the streets of the city with gold and as much as they laughed and put it off they were also aware that if he wanted he could do that and more.
Soon after the joke was done, they got back to watching as a team and Bruce got Thor in too.
The absence of light didn't seem to affect Loki because it only seemed to facilitate his scheme and he went on with his work.
The next step was guessing the password.
"'I am Stark" He typed with difficulty, turning on the 'view password' but the box turned red and said it was incorrect.
"StarkIsUnconquerable" He tried again and this time the desktop appeared.
"Ha, that was easy!" He muttered "Self-centered, rich brat." He announced making Tony furrow his brow in the theater.
"And that is your password? Stark is unconquerable? Are you kidding me?" Clint popped a question.
"Certainly not!" Retaliated Tony "I replaced the real one with this to make guessing easier for him. On to the screen now guys, the fun is to begin any minute now."
Loki got into the menus with some difficulty, scrolled awkwardly through the apps and it took him almost half an hour to land at a folder labelled 'Private-Do not open' despite it being placed right in front of him on the desktop as the Avengers watched him without blinking. He guffawed scarily and the Avengers gazed with bated breaths as he managed to click on the folder. Undeniably, he couldn't keep his crooked grey matter and hands off anything that was strictly prohibited. The very next moment, Loki heard a wild roar making him shiver like a feather in a typhoon.
He turned to face a green cannibal with red bloodshot eyes looking at nothing but him, beating his chest, looking vexed. It was the Hulk.
The Asgardian's heartbeat was raised, his breathing sky-rocketed and in perspiration he bathed. His mind replayed what the Hulk did to him the last time they had met as if it was taking place right in front of his eyes. As that monster inched forward, pleading for mercy, he ran for his life, his face scarless and pale, dragging himself. He slipped and fell in fright all of a sudden when he was quite close to the exit, hurting his back. Clutching the floor he managed to get up, only to fall again, quirkily. He fell as many as three times in a succession, hopping back up like a little frog.
"Help!" He shrieked "Whoever saves the son of Odin from this mindless beast would receive his staff as reward and that i do solemnly pledge" He asserted, holding out his arm with no audience at all listening to him except assumably the Hulk. He crawled on and across the floor like an alligator deeming that as the best way to escape the Hulk's keen eye and reached up to the door in that position but to his irretrievable disappointment, the door was locked. He banged at it haplessly as blaring footsteps were heard.
"Does no human on this planet, love his life while he puts a god in peril in a manner as this? Someone open the door for me or else know that humanity should be prepared to face the wrath of the gods" He yelled.
"I'm sorry sir but I can't." He heard JARVIS yelling back at him.
The group relished the scene with popcorn, placing applause in Tony's share who was never hostile to it.
"See how he flees at the sight of the Hulk, like a mouse being chased by a tomcat. He is quite terrified of you, Dr Banner!" Beamed Natasha as Bruce frowned evidently 'cause he wasn't too fond of the other guy "That projected image of the Hulk is such an extraordinary idea, Stark!"
"And all this to educate him on the emotions of the 'primitive' human race" The others were surprised at Steve for giving his input.
"Well, let's see if he learns his lesson." Barton tittered.
"That he will!" Answered Tony.
"Friends, let him be, he is really regretting." Thor interrupted.
"If he really was, he wouldn't have tried knowing our secrets, Thor." Bruce remarked, thoughtfully.
"He's right. We'll rescue him in a while but till then, enjoy the sitcom" Tony had the last word.
"Are you sure you wish to go against my wishes?" He dared "I'm Loki of Asgard and a brother of Thor's."
"Loki of Asgard, sorry but I have not been programmed to abide by your orders!" Jarvis retaliated and that's when he heard the Hulk's grunt for the second time.
"Open the door, I beg of you!" He toned down his annoyance a bit but didn't look back at the Hulk for he was too afraid to do so.
"I'm waiting for Mr Stark's orders." Informed the AI.
"I don't care about any of that, just let me out!" He requested, falling to his knees.
And the door slid open and he collapsed at Thor's feet.
"Save me, brother! " He cried "Save me from this mutilated mad man!"
"What man?" Asked Thor, appearing clueless and glancing at the other Avengers accompanying him.
"Look!" He turned with his finger protruding out of his fist, only to reckon he was pointing at a big green wall.
"My brother, i can see no man within that room." Thor replied.
"I swear in Odin's name, the green man was very much there!"
"The green man? You mean the Hulk? Look Odinson, Dr Banner is here with us and earthlings can be present at only one place at any point of time, our lineage lacks innate magical talent you know!" Tony's snark was complete with revelation and reason.
"But... "
"No ifs and buts brother, you must've been hallucinating. Now just go to sleep, you need it." Thor ordered authoritatively.
"Not going to sleep, not until i've found out the truth about what just happened here."
"Well, in that case... " Teased Tony "I'll ask Thor to summon his Mjolnir and hit you on the head and put you to sleep. That way you won't wake up for at least a few hours and also get your rest."
"Why, that's a great idea, Friend Stark!" Thor praised.
"Fine, you win! I'm going to sleep." Loki pouted and walked out making the mighty heroes laugh until their stomachs ached.