Bear-B-Que
Author's Note:
From 2006. The folks at CMDA recently reminded me of my good ol' Guild Wars days...! ::waves::
This story takes place in Borlis Pass of the Shiverpeak mountains. The characters are Badger Blackhawk, my warrior/ranger; and Tryka, an NPC that i made up just as a foil for Badger. In any case, this story never actually took place, it is completely fictional and for amusement only.
I made Badger to be a permanent pre-Searing charcter, maybe one of those 'Kind of a Big Deal' award guys. But his main purpose was to help Rangers tame pre-Searing bears. I didn't want a bear myself, but I enjoyed the teamwork and planning that went into that.
Bear-B-Que
==#==
Badger huffed his way up the hill, carting a large keg in his arms. "Why do I have to carry all the heavy stuff?"
"Look at your arms, Badger," said Tryka. "Look at mine. Whose is bigger?"
"Mine!"
"Right, so that makes you the brawns. And who's the brains of this operation?"
"Uhh...," said Badger, screwing up his face in thought.
"My point exactly," said Tryka. "Now bring it over here to -"
"RAWWRRR!"
A rather small dwarf on an absolutely gigantic bear came lumbering around the bend towards them. Tryka was amazed at the size of the thing and disgusted by the heavy chains and plates that bound the creature's legs. She could almost pity it, if it weren't about to turn her into a little smear in the snow.
"Wow!" said Badger. "I wish ugly were here, he could take on that bear!"
"I told you to leave that stupid pig in camp!"
"He's not a stupid pig. He's a bear-huntin' hog! I trained him up myself, up in-"
"Forget the pig," Tryka screamed, "get an axe!"
"Oh, right!" Badger dropped the keg and pulled out his greataxe.
The collossal bear reared up just out of blade range, and with a gusty roar, slammed back down to all fours. The ground shook with the impact, and Badger and Tryka were knocked down.
Badger looked right, then he looked left. "Hey, Tryka, i just noticed something while i was lying here."
"What!?" Tryka would have started pulling her hair out, if she wasn't busy trying to get oriented so she could get up and get out of bear-stomp range.
"Fuse is lit."
The two adventurers went from flat on their backs to running like hell without bothering with the interim moves.
BOOOOOM!
The shockwave of the explosion pitched them face-first into a snowbank. Sizzling debris rained down on their backs a moment later. Tryka spit out snow and twigs. "I am not having fun," she groaned. "I have had fun, and this is not it!"
Badger sat up and looked around, brushing ash and snow from his topknot. "Hey, Tryka, you know how you said we should share chores?"
"Yeah?"
"Okay, this is me doing the cooking for two weeks." He gestured to the smoking bits of bear-flesh. He jumped up and headed towards the biggest pile.
"You cannot be seri- OH NO!" Tryka buried her face in her hands as Badger started chopping off pieces and stuffing them into his pack.
"Hey, you know what would go great with this?"
Tryka did pull her hair this time. "Not the baked husk again!"
"Baked husk!" He called back, oblivious. "mmm, boy! i love baked husk! Did i ever tell you about my mom's baked husk?"
"Only several... hundred times."
"Nobody makes it like Mom did. With the crisp, flaky crust... and bear steaks! Stuffed right inside, ya know?"
Tryka only shook her head, not taking her hands from her face.
"And for dessert, that baked husk with honey and cinnamon drizzled over top..." He paused a few moments in blissful reminiscence of what was essentially cooked worm skin. Then he came over to her. "Hey, you all right?"
Tryka sighed. "Yes... just go get another keg, okay?"
"Sure thing! Hey, do you think we can blow up a dolyak?"
==X==
End Notes:
if you found six catchphrases, you're either me... or making up stuff i dont know about ;D some of them are slightly altered, and some are REALLY obscure.
1: "for amusement only" dire warning on pinball machines
2: "who's the brains of this operation..." timon & pumbaa from the lion king
3: "get an axe." half of ash's famous line from army of darkness
4: "i am not having fun..." from wizards and warriors. and old, OLD very obscure tv show. don't worry about it.
5: "not the baked husk *again!*" not quite 'not the weenies again, dad!' from darkwing duck's goslyn. but she does pull her hair!
6: "only several... hundred times." from Reboot's Daemon Rising movie.