A/N: Okay I know how everyone is nuts about this show. But com'on already, high school is not just one major melodrama followed by another. In reality most days at an average high school are about as boring as life can get. So for that reason, I think the Degrassi series occasionally needs to be lampooned. Hopefully in the following I have done so.
Disclaimer: Yaddi, yaddi, yadda.
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Degrassi: Voyager
Spinner and his best friend for life, Jimmy, walked in through the large front doors of Degrassi Community School. It appeared to be just another Monday morning in the exciting lives of the two Toronto teenagers. As the events of that morning began to unfold, the Spinster realized he would have been better off staying home in bed.
Once inside the building, the boys quickly headed off towards their lockers. Which, since they were bff's, were conveniently located right next to each other. And, since Spin and Jimmy are considered two of the stars of this show their lockers are of course placed right outside of Mr. Simpson's classroom. As the boys turned the only corner ever shown in this supposedly large school's network of hallways they were now about 30 feet (Whoops! About 10 meters I mean, this is after all Canada) away from said lockers, that's where they came upon a vicious argument taking place in the hall. It was Ellie and Emma in a verbal cat fight!
The whole hallway could hear Emma shout, "You know damn well how much better this show was when the opening theme had me sending the floating E-mail through the halls of our wonderful school! Now it's got you and that &# video camera! I could just scream!"
"Well, well, well. Little Miss Environmental Causes has developed quite an ego hasn't she?!" replied Ellie with as much rage as Emma had shown. "You know very well that I've been on this show since the beginning and I wasn't even included in the opening credits for two seasons! Letting me work the camera now is the least the producers could do!
"You lying red-headed scank! I don't remember you being in Seasons 1 or 2 at all. In fact I don't even think you're a real Canadian. I think your one of those illegal aliens! We're gonna build that wall around Lake Michigan someday to keep your type of riff-raff out!"
Ellie's anger quickly turned to tears, "The way I'm treated around here, ..sob… sob… and the way my mother drinks like a fish, … sob…sob … and the way my boyfriend has been stealing school equipment, sob… sob … and the fact that my poor father is now doing his 400th tour in Iraq, or is it in Idaho? I forget. It's … sob…sob, … it's … sob…sob, … it's driven me to, … sob …sob, … IT MADE ME A CUTTER!"
"Yeah, and you got over it in two episodes, big whoopee!"
"Why, you little twerp! I'm gonna ……."
"Gonna what? Cut me?"
"No I'm gonna stick my fingers, complete with my long black goth fingernails, down your throat and make you hurl! You know, like when you had bulimia and recovered from it, in like what? Two days?"
"Why you bottled red-headed little weasel, I ought'a pull your ……"
Spinner suddenly jumped into the fracas and interrupted, "Girls, girls, please calm down. Spinners here now and he wants to find his little Honeybee, Paige. Or do I call her Pooh Bear and she calls me Honeybee? I forget. Anyway I'd appreciate a little quiet on your part."
Emma looked at Spin with eyes that could cut through steel, "What the hell kind of a nickname is Spinner? Why does everyone call you that? Are you always going in circles or are you just naturally dizzy? Why don't you drop dead!"
Ellie, now on Emma's side, agreed, "Yeah why do they call you Spinner? I don't think that's ever been totally revealed to the audience. Is it because your name is really Gavin? Or is it the ADHD? I suppose Spinner is an improvement over Gavin. So then, Gavin, why don't you mind your own business and get lost! And by the way, I look forward to one day replacing you as the drummer in Downtown Sasquatch. You know, like if someday you get your best friend shot and he turns into a cripple and nobody likes you anymore except for a bunch of religious psychos who want you to join their cult. Yeah, when something like that happens!"
Jimmy, hearing this, gave Spinner a suspicious look and silently slipped away to hang with his main squeeze, Hazel. Hazel had just arrived at her locker after an exhausting all night cheerleader car wash. Jimmy spoke, "Hi Hazel, we're still dating right? If not I'm gonna go ask Ashley out, I think since this is a Monday she and Craig are probably broken up again."
"Oh no, don't do that! We're still going together and we're like the most popular couple in school! By the way did I ever tell you I'm from Somalia? I hope that doesn't matter. Anyway here, try one of my homemade Somalian brownies. I made them for Home-EC class, JT showed me how! He's also teaching me how to crochet, to do macramé and how to make my own lilac scented bubble bath! JT's such a great little homemaker! I sure hope he isn't killed someday during some senseless school violence."
By this time the rest of the cheerleaders were arriving in the hallway. Isn't it funny that anything of any significance in this large school always seems to happen right near Mr. Simpson's classroom door?
Along with the several other cheerleaders, Paige and Manny were making their way down the hall trying to sell topless photos of Manny to anyone that would have them. Very few students were interested, several even turned and ran away screaming. Paige then approached Mr. Simpson's student teacher, Matt Oleander.
"Hi Mr. Oleander, would you like to buy a semi-nude picture of our sluttiest cheerleader, Manny? Were selling these to raise money for new uniforms. For some reason Degrassi's teams always need new uniforms. I think it's because the writers lack any imagination. Anyway the pictures are 2 dollars for a 5" x 7" or…. Oh I'm sorry we're in Canada! They're 2 dollars for a 12.70 cm. x 17.78 cm. or 10 dollars for a poster size copy. What do you say, wouldn't you like a couple to hang in your dreary run down apartment that I'll probably never even get to spend the night at? A couple of these posters would help you to hide some of the holes in your plaster."
Mr. Oleander looked at Paige lustfully, "Paige my dear young student yearning to learn new things, I have no interest in a girl named Manny. What the hell kind of name is Manny anyway? I think I even prefer the name Gavin to Manny. Anyway where was I going here? Oh yes, Paige my dear, will you be my illicit underage lover? I long for the cheerleaders to be selling semi-nude photos of us as well. It may ruin my career but if we raise enough money to buy all of Degrassi's teams new uniforms, what the hell."
Paige looked at Matt invitingly, "You are kind of hot aren't you teach? Sure I'll hook up with you! But before I do I'm going to have to break up with both my boyfriend, Spinner, yes his real name is Gavin … sorry about that, and also with my lesbian partner Alex. Give me a few minutes, they're both regular characters so I'm sure they're in the hallway around here somewhere."
So Paige started looking for her Honeybee, who was still being verbally thrashed by Ellie and Emma.
"And Spinner, why is your hair so different every season?" screeched Emma, "Your hair style changes more often then all of the girls hair styles change on this show combined! Well except for Ashley, but she's got that 'punk/goth/dweeb/what am I really' crisis going on."
"Yeah Spinner," continued Ellie. "Remember when your hair was white? Then it was dark, then it was long, then it was short, and then you had that weird reverse mullet thing going on. You know that horrible 'business in the back, party in the front' haircut. I thought you looked like a llama. Then for the Degrassi movie your head was shaved, everyone knows you didn't really have cancer! What is it with you, are you searching for an identity? And Emma Nelson you better stop dis-ing Ashley she's my best friend. If you don't, so help me I'll kick your…"
Ellie was cut off as Emma slammed her head to the hard linoleum floor. This gave Gavin, er .. Spinner, the opportunity he was looking for, to get far away from these two chicks. Spinner turned to run but instead bumped right into Paige.
"Hi Polar Bear!" he said.
"Listen Spin, it's Pooh Bear er Honeybee, but that's not important now. We've got to talk. Well actually I'll do the talking you just listen. Ok, here's the deal, we're through. You're an annoying, immature, weird haired geek. I've found someone better then you, so why don't you go chase after Manny for a few episodes. Here's a picture of her topless. Now go get her Spin! Sic!"
With a 'bark, bark' and a 'woof, woof" Spinner was off and running. He was hoping to retrieve Manny but no doubt would settle for any girl that would have him.
Meanwhile Jimmy had wandered off from Hazel and was now sitting in a wheel chair that was conveniently left on the set. Mr. Archie 'Snake' Simpson walked slowly out of his classroom and observed this. Mr. Simpson motioned for Jimmy to come and talk. Jimmy expertly maneuvered the wheel chair across the hall.
"What's with the wheels, Jimmy? Is your inner child seeking attention or are you just being an insensitive ass? Whichever it is, you got it working good."
"No it's not like that at all Mr. Simpson. I was just thinking it's about time we had a school shooting at Degrassi. I mean we've covered everything else that's possible in the world of teenage troubles and angst. If I were to get shot and then be confined to a wheel chair, we'd be opening up a huge new story line. I think something like this could keep our show on the N for years!"
Archie looked at Jimmy and smiled. "That my friend is brilliant. Back when I was a teenager on the original shows: The Kids of Degrassis Street, Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High we did the same types of things. Drugs, booze, constantly changing relationships, lame student bands, we had the whole package too. I don't remember anyone getting shot exactly, but my buddy and ex-band mate Derek 'Wheels' Wheeler stole a bunch of stuff, got picked up by a pedophile and ended up killing a kid and blinding his girlfriend while driving drunk! Pretty angsty huh?"
"Wow Mr. Simpson, that's incredible!"
"Jimmy, you can call me Snake."
"Wow Mr. Simpson, that's incredible!"
"Oops! I mean wow, Mr. Snake, that's incredible!"
"No, Jimmy, its just Snake, not Mr. Snake."
"Whatever you say Mr. Simpson. Say did you guys do anything else controversial on the old Degrassi?"
"Oh, Jimmy the stories I could tell you…Okay here's one for instance: You know my wife right?"
"Mrs. Snake?"
"Well actually we called her Spike."
"Spike? You mean like the spikes on my football shoes? By the way, Mr. Simpson, the football team really needs new uniforms. Could we maybe hold a fundraiser next week, I really think… "
"Yes, Jimmy, her nickname is Spike, but let's move on here, I believe this Fan Fic is supposed to be a One-Shot and we're wasting a lot of time. Where were we? Oh yes, my wife. My wife gave birth to her daughter, Emma. You know Emma right? See that girl rolling on the floor over there? The one pulling Ellie's obviously dyed red hair out in clumps? That 's Emma! My stepdaughter! Isn't she awesome? And, Jimmy, keep this on the QT but here's the 411 on me giving Emma better grades because she's my stepdaughter… I do it every chance I get!
"Anyway Emma's mother, Spike, had her while she was in Junior High School! How's that for a cutting edge 1980's television?!" A junior high student becoming a mother! And Jimmy, this was on PBS!"
"Wow, Mr. Simpson, I mean Mrs. Spikes Husband, that's must have been incredible TV. I guess that's why Mrs. Snake and Emma look about the same age. Before now I always thought that was due to bad casting, or that Emma aged prematurely after getting gonorrhea from Jay, or was it from Alex? No, Alex probably would have given gonorrhea to Paige I suppose. Oh never mind! I really wish I could hang out and talk with you more about this, but I've got to get back out in hall so I can get shot! I'm pretty sure Spinners gonna do it, but we'll find out soon enough. See ya later Mr. S!"
With that Jimmy wheeled himself back into the hall. Soon both Hazel and Ashley were competing for his affection and trying to sit on his handicapped lap.
Meanwhile the tall, moody, disturbed, psycho, (er, manic/depressive I mean), Craig had joined everyone in the hallway. Craig was wearing an obviously homemade T-shirt, which featured a Photo-Shopped image of a girl's face on it. The shirt read 'My One & Only'. The girls face was ½ Ashley and ½ Manny. Craig of course was lip syncing a song.
If I were a better man,
Or if I had a better plan,
My number one lover wouldn't have met my number two,
Now I sure as hell don't know what I'm a-going to do,
Sha, la, la, la, laaa
Sha, la, la, la, Owww!
"Ouch! Thanks a lot Manny! What was that for?"
Manny handed the field hockey stick back to Liberty as Craig held both of his hands to the growing lump on his forehead.
Manny smiled, "Thanks Liberty and good luck with your teams fundraising! I hope you guys get your new uniforms!"
Manny then turned back to Craig. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Craig, far from the sharpest knife in the drawer on his good days, now found himself in pain and very confused. "What do you mean? I still go to school here don't I?"
"You tell me! I thought you were following Ashley to Europe? Or weren't you going out to Alberta to record something? Or didn't I hear that you were locked away in the loony bin? All I know is I want you out of here now! But before you go, can we have sex one last time?"
While Craig was thinking over this proposal, a gunshot rang out followed immediately by a shriek.
"Bang!"
"Whoop!"
No I said by a shriek.
"Shriek!"
That's better.
Jimmy slowly emerged from the crowd of kids in the hallway. Now everyone saw him in the wheelchair. Oh the humanity!
"Oh Jimmy! Are you hurt?" gasped Hazel.
"Hello? Wheelchair here, partial paralysis, gunshot wound to the spine, what do you think?"
"Oh Jimmy! You are hurt then, right?"
"You could say that."
Soon enough principal Raditch was on the scene. You know to find out what happened and to get everything under control. Plus he wanted to check how all the uniform fundraising was going.
"Jimmy, do you have any idea who did this to you?" asked the conscientious principal.
"Sure I do. It was that weird Carrie girl! The one that we all think is a witch. The one that Spinner dumped pig's blood on during last year's prom. You know the chick I mean, right?"
"Oh of course I do, Jimmy. We all know about Carrie's idiosyncrasies so we're not going to blame her for this one bit. I believe it's quite clear that Gavin is responsible for your horrible handicap. The very handicap that has left you a worthless vegetable and undoubtedly will lead you into a serious case of depression and to an eventual suicide."
The principle continued, "But Jimmy, one last question if I may. Do you think you can at least play in this Friday's basketball game? I've got 1500 bucks riding on Degrassi!"
"Sure, principal Raditch, I'd love to play one more game! Then I will be off to the rehab center for six to eight episodes of tear jerking 'he's too young to endure this horrible fate' teenage angst. I can hardly wait!"
"That's the Degrassi spirit, Jimmy! Now where do I find our whipping boy Gavin? Gavin Mason front and center!"
Spinner sulked his way through the still steadily growing crowd of teenagers into the forefront. He hung his head low. His dobber was down. Way down.
"Yes, principal Raditch. You called me?"
"Gavin it has come to my attention that you should be expelled. But I want to be fair with you. I'm not going to just toss you out on the street, I'll give you three options to chose from."
"Gee thanks, sir. I mean your highness sir. Could one of those options be me getting back together with Paige for a one-nighter? I really, really hope that's an option."
"I'm sorry Gavin, that's not going to happen. Maybe next season when I've left Degrassi to shack up with my former student Caitlin and my new gay boy toy Marco. Maybe then your new principal, Mrs. Hatzilakos, will allow you something like that, but not me."
"Here are your choices son; Number one, you may join Degrassi's 'Friendship Club' and become the clubs 'new choir robes' lead fundraiser. Number two, you may join your friend Sean in prison. And finally, .."
"Mr. Raditch, Sean and I were never what you'd call friends, but I appreciate the prison offer.
The principal continued, ignoring Spinner's interruption, "And finally number three, you may enroll in a OJT program with another one of my former underachieving students, Joey Jeremiah. Twenty some odd years ago Mr. Jeremiah was constantly getting in trouble by wearing a fedora in class. Your recent act of in-school-gunplay shows a similar pattern of behavior. I believe Mr. Jeremiah now owns and operates a used car lot. Perhaps the two of you can learn from each other?"
"What is your choice, Mr. Mason?"
"You can call me Spinner, Mr. Raditch."
"Thank you, Gavin, I've always wanted to do that. Your choice then, please, Mr. Spinmeister?"
"I think I'll just pass on all three, but thanks for thinking of me. I think I'll just drop out of school and go back to working at The Dot Grill. I'm pretty sure in a couple of years I can become assistant manager. They'll probably even give me keys to the store and everything! Pretty cool, huh? Besides if I'm working at The Dot I can still see all of my friends when they stop by to hang out."
Silence.
"Isn't that right, friends?!"
More silence.
"Friends?"
Even more silence followed by a school bell.
"Well that's the bell for homeroom everyone, let's get moving," Raditch ordered. "School shootings are in no way an excuse for tardiness!"
Everyone except Spinner and a new girl headed off to their homerooms. Which of course meant Mr. Simpson's class for all of the series regulars. (Irregardless of the fact that they're in several different grades.)
Spinner reached into his locker and took out a Dot Grill T-shirt. He pulled off his Degrassi sweatshirt and changed right there in the hall, the new mystery girl watching all along. Spinner then headed off for the main door of the building. He soon noticed that the new girl was following him, Spin turned around and spoke.
"Hi there, they call me Spinner cause I've got great hair and I rock. Who would you be? Darcy perhaps?"
The new girl smiled seductively at our tarnished hero and said, "No, I'm not Darcy, My name is Mary Sue and I've come to rescue you from this show. Have you ever heard of fan-fiction?"
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Freeze Frame followed by over 4 minutes of lame 'The N' commercials before the closing credits.