A/N: Diana is this annoying brat that I know. This is just coz I got bored.
:P
WARNING! WARNING! Now entering the insanity of: WHEN DIANA BECOMES RINOA. PLEASE READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING.
Author will not be held responsible should your PC crash. Author will not be held responsible should you suffer from mental disorder after reading the fic. Author will not be held responsible should your monitor blow up, cracks or break down. Author does not own anything accept; the plot, the insanity and Miss Alexis Cyra Ash. All characters [accept Diana and Cyra] are copyright of SQUARESOFT, and Square Electronic Art. Any complaints/supina will NOT be entertained. Yours truly, Samara.
When DIANA becomes RINOA.
Prepare yourself for your worse nightmare.
Legend: This is in dialog format. [Action or thought]
It was a peaceful day in Balamb Garden. Squall was coming back from Dollet after a meeting with General Caraway, Rinoa's father.
Squall was walking down the hallway, headed towards the dormitory, when he smelled some weird odor. He was about to puke, when he saw a FAT girl, dressed EXACTLY like his beloved Rinoa.
Diana: Hey, Squally! How are you? Long time no see! [Jump, jump, fat all bouncy. EARTH QUAKE]
Squall: [face turn green] What the FU*K?
Selphie: [came from behind Squal] OH GREAT GOD NO! What the hell is that FAT girl doing in Rinoa's clothes?
Irvine: [from behind Selphie] what was the earthquake all about? WHAT THE.
Diana: Hey! Do you know that I'm the second Pamela Lee Anderson? In fact, I'm sexier that her! [Starts to dance around]
Everyone:[ LAUGHS LIKE HELL]
Diana: Uh. Ok. So you all are jealous, huh? Whatever.
Selphie: Good GOD! The SMELL!
Irvine: I wonder if Rinny's able to wear the dress now that SHE'S worn it?
Squall: [Pukes gut and soul out]
Samara: [pops out of nowhere] Let me introduce you guys to the 'fat girl!' Her name is Diana Benjamin. She is an ex-classmate of mine. And. [WHISPERS] she is SO SHOWY! SHE'D PRACTICALLY ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT HER BRA STRAP SNAPPED!
Everyone: [PUKES]
Quistis: HellOH MY GOD!
Samara: Yes, beautiful Quisty? What is it? This is DIANA.
Quistis:[ Covers nose] ugh.
Everyone: [Does the same]
Samara:[ breathes from oxygen tank] The odor you people are smelling now is her uh. sweat. Kinda gross, no?
Diana: Hey, I smell like. a rose, ok?
Samara: [switches from oxygen to laughing gas, laughs until tear puddles on the floor]
Squall: WHERE'S RINOA?[Almost cries]
Diana: I AM Rinoa ok? So what? I'm probably sexier than she is! I have even more beautiful hair than she does! [Unties hair. the smell of dead fish pollutes the air.]
Everybody: [Pukes hell.]
Samara: [sets laughing gas to the MAX] HAHA. I see stars. HEHEHAHAHOHOHO!
Zell: What the hell? WHOOH! What is this SICK smell? It's so. so. OILY! THE AIR IS SO THICK AND OILY!
Samara: [runs out of laughing gas and collapses onto the floor with foam coming out of her mouth]
Squall: [Drags Samara to a place with fresh air]
Everybody was now outside.
Samara: [wakes up]Good Lord. that was pure insanity. HEHEHEHE. Eh? WOW! Rinaul shore! The beach is so pretty!
Suddenly, a fat girl walks out of Balamb Garden (A place where SeeDs are trained, to protect people) with this trail of smell that kills all plants in its pathway.
Squall: I don't think that the principal is gonna be happy about all the dead plants all around the Garden!
Samara: Yeah. .OH MY GOD! SHE KILLED THE ABONIA PLANT! (The Abonia plant is a very rare plant)
Squall: [Cries silently] Rinoa and I planted that tree. And now it's ruined! T___T
Diana: Look, it's not my fault, ok? [Dance] I smell better than any perfume on earth!
Samara: For your information, this is NOT planet earth. This is planet Gaia, stupid. It doesn't even have any of the United Nations on it. All it has is the Centra Continent, Fisherman's Horizon or commonly known as FH, Galbadia, Trabia, Esthar, savanna plains and Rinaul Coast.
Diana: Uh. whatever, bitch. Fuck it.
Samara: Whatever, fat-plant-killer. [Middle finger]
Diana: Whatever, bitch.
Samara: [Dials hand phone] Hello? Galbadia Weaponry? Yes, um. I need a handgun, a machinegun and a bazooka. Oh, and could you throw in a gas mask? Heavy duty? Ok! Thanks! I'll be waiting here! Balamb Garden, Rinaul Coast! Yes! It's R-i-n-a-u-l. Be sure to hurry! Ok, 10 minutes! Right! Ok, bye! I know! Yes! Ok! Sure! Whatever! Bye! BYE! Oh, for Hyne's sake, put down the phone! BYE!
Squall: What was that about?
Samara: I need to kill off Diana to bring Rinoa back.
Squall: .I'm WITH YOU!
Zell: Please hurry. I can't stand the sickening smell!
10 minutes later.
Delivery guy: Ok. Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
Samara:[ sign, sign, sign and sign].Ok. Sheesh. too much signing. [Loads handgun and shoot] BANG! BANG! BANG!
The bullets bounced off Diana's fat ass and hit Zell in the arm instead.
Zell: OW! ARGH! MOMMY, THAT HURTS!
Samara: Quick! Someone get him to the infirmary, quick! The bullet is contaminated after hitting that fat ass!
Zell was long out of sight.
Samara: [scratches head] Figured that the handgun wouldn't work. Oh, well! I've got a shotgun![ Shoot] BANG! BANG!
Bullet bounces off Diana's big potbelly and barely missed Irvine in the face.
Irvine: . [pisses in pants]
Selphie: [Faints]
Quistis: Oh my.
Cyra: hello y'all! Hey! Samara! How r ya?
Samara: Ola!
Seifer: hey Cyra! Wait up! Oh, hi Samara!
Samara: [drools] hi, Seifer.
Cyra:[ looks at Samara . grabs Seifer and kisses him full on the lips]
Samara: [Ignores the two] Man, this one is hard to kill!
Diana: You know, my skin is so smooth, the bullets couldn't even penetrate it!
Samara: [barf]
Squall: [pukes his breakfast]
Samara: Ok. Time to get SERIOUS! [loads bazooka, takes aim and fires] (Bazookas or any form of rocket, missiles or shuttles on planet Gaia is actually a weapon equipped with an artificial intelligence(A.I) unit. It acts like a human and has fears like a human. It calculates. stuff accurately.)
As the bazooka approached Diana's fat ass, it stopped and turned towards the ocean.
Samara: I think that the bazooka A.I. mechanism had just freaked out after seeing the target. which was Diana. T_T she's impossible to kill.
Squall: You can say that again. [watches the bazooka 'drown' in the ocean]
Bazooka: SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! [drowns]
Quistis: Why would a machine turn away without reason?
Samara: Oh, it HAS a good reason, alright. It was too scared to even come near the target.
Cyra: [sniff sniff] Ew. the sick stench.
Seifer: Yeah. I mean, SICK!
Samara: Get used to it. [puts on gas mask and breathes on precious O? which smells like rubber]
Squall: Hey, gimme some of that!
Samara: Go get yer own gas mask. Hmm. how am I gonna kill this. this. 'thing'?
Diana: [dances like 'J Lo' and 'Brittney Spears'] I'm sexy, I'm cute! Too popular to boot! Good style, great hair! The boys all like to stare!
Samara: Oi, Diana! Correction! You're supposed to sing 'I'm stupid, I'm idiotic! Too retarded to be dumb! Bad style, bad look! The boys all wanna puke!'
Diana: Look. I know you're jealous, ok. Fuck off, ok? Bitch!
Squall: Man, this one is one stupid fat ass freak!
Samara: You know, calling her a freak may be insults to other freaks, such as Zell and Nida, the science whiz, and also Nina, the library girl, who always has this stupid laugh.
Squall: Yeah. Is she a freak of nature, then?
Samara: No. Cyra is a freak of nature, being the only albino girl in the Garden. That would be an insult to her.
Squall: What is she then?
Samara: Hmm. that's a tough one. Let's see. [floats in thought bubble] I've got it! She's a jerk. That's all.
Squall: More likely. I'll go with the jerk option
Samara: Diana is officially branded a JERK. Wahahaha. [cough, cough]
Diana: You're just J-E-L-E-S! Jealous!
Samara: Oh yeah, 'smart-ass'? You couldn't even spell the word 'jealous'. It's J-E-A-L-O-U-S.
Diana: Whatever. You know, I think that I'm gonna be a pop star when I grow up. I'll be more popular than Brittney or J Lo or any other divas on earth.
Samara: .The only 'diva' on PLANET GAIA is Julia Heartily. No one ever got further than her, moron.
Diana: bitch.
Samara: egghead.
Diana: Stuck up bitch.
Samara: Sick piece of human clone reject.
Diana: Loser the Bitch. [Does the 'L' sign with finger to forehead.]
Samara: .Is that all you've got? Yeesh, all you say is bitch, bitch and bitch. Do you even know what's the meaning of a bitch? And why it's BAD to call someone a bitch?
Diana: Uh. whatever.
Samara: [dials phone] Hello? Timber Maniacs Magazine Company? Yes, uh. are they any tips on how to kill a. uh. Marlboro? (A Marlboro is this weird green monster that lives on the Island Closest to Hell. A Marlboro is as tough as hell to kill. And I'm not making the island's name up. It's real! There's one that's closest to Heaven, but it ain't like heaven at all!)
T.M. Editor: Well. try using 'Death' spells or maybe 'Doom'. That might work.
Samara: How about 'Firaga' and 'Thundaga'?
T.M. Editor: um. 'Flare'?
Samara: .I'll use 'Death'. Thanks!
Squall: Found a way to kill her off?
Samara: Squall. Do me a favor, will ya? Cast 'Death' magic on Diana.
Squall: Ok. DEATH!. Nothing's happening.
Samara: .What now? 'Doom'?
Squall: DOOM!. still nothing. T_T I'm never gonna get Rinoa back.
Samara: I just wanna get her off of planet Gaia before she upsets the delicate balance of nature!
Diana: You know what? I've got a prettier voice than Brittney Spears!
Squall: Who in the hell is Brittney whatever?
Samara: Brittney Spears. the brat of show biz on planet earth.
Squall: Brat? You mean stupid show off draggy brat?
Samara: Yep. Bingo.
Diana: [in crappy voice] I'm nat a gerl. nat yet é woman. all I need is time. é moment that is mine. while I'm in between. I'm nat a gerl.
As she sang the whole chorus of that CRAPPY song, (yes, I think Brittney Spears is STUPID and her songs SUCK coz she spoils it by not knowing how to sing!) the windows of the garden started to crack and eventually break. So did Quistis's glasses and the windshield of Squall's car.
Squall: MY CAR! T_T it's a brand new car, for HYNE'S SAKE!
Samara: Oh boy. Squall! I've got an idea! Let's go to the Island Closest To Hell and leave her there! Let the Marlboros kill her!
Squall: Good thinking!
The two boarded the next train to Galbadia with Diana on the cargo train coz the conductor didn't like the smell, and used a motor boat to get to the island.
Samara: Nah! Diana, you can stay here. It's a. uh.. Free trip to the Island Closest to. Paradise! Yeah! The Island Closest to Paradise!
Squall: [whisper] Nice one. 'The Island Closest to Paradise'. Sheesh! Like there's anything on the planet like that.
Samara: Quiet.
Diana: Oh My God! What is that ugly green monster?
Samara: That would be a Marlboro. [WHISPERS] Hehe. she's sure gonna get it.
Marlboro: ROAR ROAR ROAR!!! [Translation: Who are you calling ugly, you ugly faggot?]
Suddenly, Diana screamed and started jumping up and down, up and down, up and down. The Marlboro was SO SCARED of her; it actually jumped into the ocean.
Samara: Squall. I thought that Marlboros were land creatures. They wouldn't last a second in water. [Watches the 20-foot monster swim to the neighboring islands]
Marlboro: ROOOOOOAR ROOOOOOAAAAR! ROOOOOooOOOOOoooooo00oo0o000oaaaaaAAaAAARR! [Translation: HELP! THERE'S THIS UGLY KID ON MY ISLAND AND SHE SMELLS LIKE A PILE OF 10-YEAR-OLD WENDIGO SHIT! HELLLLLLLLPPPP!] (Old Wendigo shits smell awful, and I MEAN awful.) [Marlboro drowns in water.]
Squall: They ARE land creatures.
Samara: Then we're dealing with a 'creature' that's even more dangerous then a Marlboro. BUT I THOUGHT THAT MARLBOROS WERE DANGEROUS CREATURES! They can actually kill people just by whipping them with their tentacles!!
Squall: Hyne, please save me! I WANT MY RINOA!
Samara: Weapons won't work. Magic spells won't do anything. Monsters are too scared to come near her. What now?
Squall: I wish that this THING had never came to Gaia! I just want my Rinoa back! [starts to cry]
Samara: There, there. Don't cry. I'm sure we'll figure out a way to bring Rinoa back and Diana to the other world.
Diana: Woohoo! I'm SEXY! I'm CUTE! Too POPULAR to BOOT! [Jump] Good STYLE! GREAT HAIR! THE BOYS all wanna STARE! [Jump and dances like J Lo in the video clip 'I'm Glad'.]
Samara: For God's sake. stop! [face turns green] That is disgusting.. I'm never gonna watch J Lo's or Brittney Dumb-Ass's videos again in my entire life!
Diana: You're just jealous!
Samara: [dials phone] Hello? Marlboro Breeding Center? Hi! I'm calling from the Island Closest to Hell, and I just wanna ask, what's a Marlboro's weakness? No! I'm not gonna kill a Marlboro, but this annoying jerk from a distance planet. Can you help? No! I swear! In fact, she scared off a 20- foot Marlboro! Honest! Look. Do you hear any Marlboro roars here? NO! That's coz she scared it off! HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP! I REPEAT~ DON'T YOU DARE~ .hang up. .JERK!
Squall: It's hopeless, right? [in tears]
Samara: By the looks of it. yes. Maybe we should ask that pesky scientist, Dr Odine!
Squall: OK! Let's bring her to Esthar!
So the two dragged the Marlboro killer off to Esthar in a boat. They had to bypass FH first, and took the train tracks.
Samara: [riding on hi-tech lift to Esthar main gate] Hmm. I wonder if Dr Odine is gonna be interested in studying Diana's ability to kill off Marlboros?
Squall: Who wouldn't? People have been searching for ways to kill Marlboros. This is one hell of a scientific breakthrough! We're gonna be RICH!
Samara: Yeah. imagine. Gils (Gaia's currency) sticking outta our pockets. I'll be the richest kid on Gaia!
Squall: I'll probably be wiping my a$$ with money!
Samara: Now that's disrespectful.
The three entered Dr Odine's Laboratory, which was located at the South side of Esthar City.
Samara: OI! ODIN, YOU JACK ASS! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!
Squall: .you sure are one hell of a mean little kid.
Samara: hey, I'm no kid! I'm. growing up! [And I REFUSE to use the phrase 'I'm not a girl, not yet a woman'.]
Dr Odine: Yes, yes. Vat iz it now?
Samara: I have something that might interest you. BEHOLD. Diana Benjamin's rare ability to kill off Marlboros!
Dr Odine: Oh, really? Dat iz a very important breakzrough!
Samara: Psst, Squall. what's with the accent?
Squall: [shrugs] Dunno.
Dr Odine: [sniff sniff] PHEW! Vat in Hyne'z name iz zat zmell?
Samara: That, my dear Doctor, is the smell that drives Marlboros away!
Dr Odine: Yeck. zat iz one sick zmell. and I kan zee why it zrives [drives] huge monsters away!
Samara: I just said that.
Squall: So Prof.. if we sell her to you, how much will you pay us?
Diana: [points at the dead specimens of monsters preserved in jars] Oh My GOD! This is so UGLY! AAAH![ jumps like idiot]
As the fat monster-killer jumped around, the test tubes and all the fragile equipment in the lab cracked. and eventually break.
Dr Odine: Oh NO! My experimentz! It iz all RUINED! Waaaaa!
Samara: .Now you've done it, Diana!
Squall: Uh. Lets GO!
The two ran out of the lab, with Diana behind, screaming and giggling like a raved lunatic.
Diana: AAAAH! That was so GROSS!
Samara: Shut up, will ya? You might crack all the buildings here in Esthar!
Squall: IT'S HOPELESS! I'LL NEVER GET MY RINNY BACK! WAWAWAWA! [Cries like a baby]
Samara: .Diana. you're so. I can't even find a word to describe you.
Diana: I'm SEXY! I'm CUTE! Too POPULAR to.!
Samara: Shut UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUPPPPP! For heaven's SAKE! You sound like a total wannabe!
Diana: You're just jealous!
Samara: argh. I'm so gonna lose my temper. [bites on metal chain]
Squall: I want my Rinoa back!
Suddenly, Samara's head snapped.
Samara: Uh-uh! SORCERESS EDEA! She might figure out a way to get rid of Diana!
Squall: Anything to bring back my Rinoa. [begging for Samara's help. he's desperate]
The two dragged Diana to Centra Continent. in the Ragnarok Spaceship!
Samara: Squall, you go talk to the sorceress. After all, you know her, don't you?
Squall: Ok. Ahem. Matron, I need your help. You see.
As Squall told the Sorceress the whole story, the Sorceress laughed until tears formed in her eyes.
Samara: Um. Matron, we really need to get this jerk off of this planet. Or she'll corrupt the entire system!
Sorceress Edea: Hmmm. I see. Well then, let's get started. Now, where do I begin? Ah! Yes. first of all, we must compress time.
Samara: Again? No! Not again! Anything but that!
Sorceress Edea: Just kidding! Hmm. ah, yes! I'll summon the spirit of the wind, Pandemona!
After a séance, the huge wind spirit, Pandemona, appeared in the center of a tornado.
Sorceress Edea: [whisper] You might wanna use the medieval dialect.
Samara: Right. Ahem. Oh great Pandemona, will thou help the likes of us? We are in great need of thy help, for thou hath the power to save thy world from great peril that lays ahead. Thou art more powerful than the likes of Bahamut and all other GFs in the land. Help us, oh great Pandemona, for it is thou who can save us all from thy doom.
Pandemona: Cut the crap, will ya? Ya ain't cool, ya know. Ya sound like one of them stupid old folks from the past. Just get on with it, ya know? Be quick. Be happenin'. Be SLAMMIN'.
Samara: .and I've been talking like a freak? Alright. Listen here and listen well. I've gotta get this. fat ass jerk back to our home planet. And I regret saying that we share a home planet. Think ya can help us?
Pandemona: Maybe. [Sniff sniff] what in the hell? What's that sick stench?
Samara: The fat ass freak's sick smell.
Pandemona: .There is no way on freaking hell I'm gonna do that SHIT! GOOD BYE! [DISSAPEARS LIKE THAT]
Squall: Wow. that was fast.
Sorceress Edea: .Well, that was unexpected. Now, let's see. why not we summon Odin?
Samara: The Great GF Odin. [Not Dr Odine. The GF Odin! The thunder God Guardian Force thingy!]
Another séance.
Samara: Ahem. yo, wassup, Odin? How's it hangin' back there? Ya mind helpin' us with this teeny weenie favor?
Odin: I do not understand a word thou art saying. Speaketh in proper manners, young lady!
Samara: .Right. Great Odin, will thou help the likes of us in saving thy world and also my world, for we need be rid of thy foe who dresses in blue! [man, that was sick.]
Odin: And THOU expect ME to deal with a mortal who SMELLS LIKE WENDIGO CRAP! You be thy fool, if thou art to think so!
Samara:. I. take that as a no.
Odin: Damn RIGHT, MORTAL! [Disappears]
Samara: .That's two spirits in a row.
Squall: WAAAAH! I WANNA MY RINOA BACK! I MISS HER SO MUCH! RINOA! [runs to the flower field where the two made a promise to wait there if they can't find each other.]
Samara: Umm. you might wanna talk to him. I'll be here. thinking.
Sorceress Edea: [Wearing Samara's gas mask] Ok.
Samara: Diana, Diana. Why do you have to mess up this damn system.
Diana: Coz I'm sexy! I'm cute!
Samara: Por favor. not that again. T_T
Diana: Lalalalalalalalalalalaaaa.
Samara: [my head is gonna burst.] VILG OUI! ARGH!
Diana: My voice is so beautiful, Brittney Spears eat your heart out!
Samara: Someone kill me.
Diana: I'm nat é gerl. nat yet é woman.
Samara: I've heard this all before. reality's a bore.
Diana:. let's get loud, let's get loud!
Samara:.. Wake me up inside, wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. [stand up. don't wanna loose!]
Diana: [Crappy voice] Crazy, I'm in too deep. I'm so excited, I just can't sleep. Woooh, crazy! But it feels so right! Baby thinkin' of ya keeps me up all night!
Samara: Atemonaku samayotteita Tegakarimonaku sagashitsuzuketa
Diana: I can do better! I'm over protected. lalalalala
Samara:. it's all Brittney Spears. and she makes Brittney look bad.
Diana: OOOOOOOVERPROTECTED!
Samara: If I had just one tear running down your cheek. Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep.
Diana: From the bottom of my broken heart. lalalalaaah
Samara: The hell. Sing something else, lah oiii. it's always Brittney Dumb- Ass.
Diana: . Get the party started on a Saturday night.
Samara: One more time and you'll be dead. At least I think that's what they said. Forty days won't break a man. It was a bullet in his head.
Diana: What song was that?
Samara: Revolution Man. ROX!
Diana: Whatever. You suck.
Samara: Oh yeah? You suck. times two!
Diana: You suck times a hundred!
Samara: You suck times 3 thousand!
Diana: Whatever. You suck one million!
Samara: You suck times one billion billion billion!
Diana: Look. I know you're jealous coz I've got an even prettier voice than you, ok? You're just a loser.
Samara: Me? Jealous of YOU? On a cold day in Hell!
Diana: Oh yeah? You are too!
Samara: Fat chance. until pigs fly!
Diana: Are too!
Sorceress Edea: You know, Diana. Your voice sux. Big time. Samara's voice may be a bit broken up but.
Samara: I've got a sore throat!
Sorceress Edea: .she sings better that you!
Diana:. WAAAH! [Cry like mad] Everyone hates me!
Samara: Damn right!
Sorceress Edea: [Reading spell book] Ahah. here's a vanishing spell! [Chants]
As the sorceress chanted an incantation, Diana magically disappeared.
Samara:. ALL HAIL SORCERESS EDEA! SQUALL! DIANA'S GONE! MATRON MADE HER DISAPPEAR! Squall? Where the hell.
Somewhere in the distance.
"RINOA! I'VE MISSED YOU! OH MY SWEET RINOA!"
Samara: Um. I think Rinoa appeared. somehow. That's a relief.
Sorceress Edea: Thank Hyne.
Samara: But I'm broke and I can't even buy me a ticket back to Balamb. I spent it all on weapons and the trip to FH and all. I can't go back home!
Sorceress Edea: Well, you can ask Squall to send you home.
Samara: You know what? I think I'll go back to earth just the way I came here. [Samara disappears from sight before you can even say 'peppercorn'.]
Sorceress Edea: .How the hell she did that?
Gaia was once again safe from any terror by any evil force. Thanks to Samara's effort in banishing Diana from Gaia. Yay!
[END]
A/N: Ahahahahaahahahaaa. that was stupid! Anyways, it was just something stupid. END!
WARNING! WARNING! Now entering the insanity of: WHEN DIANA BECOMES RINOA. PLEASE READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING.
Author will not be held responsible should your PC crash. Author will not be held responsible should you suffer from mental disorder after reading the fic. Author will not be held responsible should your monitor blow up, cracks or break down. Author does not own anything accept; the plot, the insanity and Miss Alexis Cyra Ash. All characters [accept Diana and Cyra] are copyright of SQUARESOFT, and Square Electronic Art. Any complaints/supina will NOT be entertained. Yours truly, Samara.
When DIANA becomes RINOA.
Prepare yourself for your worse nightmare.
Legend: This is in dialog format. [Action or thought]
It was a peaceful day in Balamb Garden. Squall was coming back from Dollet after a meeting with General Caraway, Rinoa's father.
Squall was walking down the hallway, headed towards the dormitory, when he smelled some weird odor. He was about to puke, when he saw a FAT girl, dressed EXACTLY like his beloved Rinoa.
Diana: Hey, Squally! How are you? Long time no see! [Jump, jump, fat all bouncy. EARTH QUAKE]
Squall: [face turn green] What the FU*K?
Selphie: [came from behind Squal] OH GREAT GOD NO! What the hell is that FAT girl doing in Rinoa's clothes?
Irvine: [from behind Selphie] what was the earthquake all about? WHAT THE.
Diana: Hey! Do you know that I'm the second Pamela Lee Anderson? In fact, I'm sexier that her! [Starts to dance around]
Everyone:[ LAUGHS LIKE HELL]
Diana: Uh. Ok. So you all are jealous, huh? Whatever.
Selphie: Good GOD! The SMELL!
Irvine: I wonder if Rinny's able to wear the dress now that SHE'S worn it?
Squall: [Pukes gut and soul out]
Samara: [pops out of nowhere] Let me introduce you guys to the 'fat girl!' Her name is Diana Benjamin. She is an ex-classmate of mine. And. [WHISPERS] she is SO SHOWY! SHE'D PRACTICALLY ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT HER BRA STRAP SNAPPED!
Everyone: [PUKES]
Quistis: HellOH MY GOD!
Samara: Yes, beautiful Quisty? What is it? This is DIANA.
Quistis:[ Covers nose] ugh.
Everyone: [Does the same]
Samara:[ breathes from oxygen tank] The odor you people are smelling now is her uh. sweat. Kinda gross, no?
Diana: Hey, I smell like. a rose, ok?
Samara: [switches from oxygen to laughing gas, laughs until tear puddles on the floor]
Squall: WHERE'S RINOA?[Almost cries]
Diana: I AM Rinoa ok? So what? I'm probably sexier than she is! I have even more beautiful hair than she does! [Unties hair. the smell of dead fish pollutes the air.]
Everybody: [Pukes hell.]
Samara: [sets laughing gas to the MAX] HAHA. I see stars. HEHEHAHAHOHOHO!
Zell: What the hell? WHOOH! What is this SICK smell? It's so. so. OILY! THE AIR IS SO THICK AND OILY!
Samara: [runs out of laughing gas and collapses onto the floor with foam coming out of her mouth]
Squall: [Drags Samara to a place with fresh air]
Everybody was now outside.
Samara: [wakes up]Good Lord. that was pure insanity. HEHEHEHE. Eh? WOW! Rinaul shore! The beach is so pretty!
Suddenly, a fat girl walks out of Balamb Garden (A place where SeeDs are trained, to protect people) with this trail of smell that kills all plants in its pathway.
Squall: I don't think that the principal is gonna be happy about all the dead plants all around the Garden!
Samara: Yeah. .OH MY GOD! SHE KILLED THE ABONIA PLANT! (The Abonia plant is a very rare plant)
Squall: [Cries silently] Rinoa and I planted that tree. And now it's ruined! T___T
Diana: Look, it's not my fault, ok? [Dance] I smell better than any perfume on earth!
Samara: For your information, this is NOT planet earth. This is planet Gaia, stupid. It doesn't even have any of the United Nations on it. All it has is the Centra Continent, Fisherman's Horizon or commonly known as FH, Galbadia, Trabia, Esthar, savanna plains and Rinaul Coast.
Diana: Uh. whatever, bitch. Fuck it.
Samara: Whatever, fat-plant-killer. [Middle finger]
Diana: Whatever, bitch.
Samara: [Dials hand phone] Hello? Galbadia Weaponry? Yes, um. I need a handgun, a machinegun and a bazooka. Oh, and could you throw in a gas mask? Heavy duty? Ok! Thanks! I'll be waiting here! Balamb Garden, Rinaul Coast! Yes! It's R-i-n-a-u-l. Be sure to hurry! Ok, 10 minutes! Right! Ok, bye! I know! Yes! Ok! Sure! Whatever! Bye! BYE! Oh, for Hyne's sake, put down the phone! BYE!
Squall: What was that about?
Samara: I need to kill off Diana to bring Rinoa back.
Squall: .I'm WITH YOU!
Zell: Please hurry. I can't stand the sickening smell!
10 minutes later.
Delivery guy: Ok. Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
Samara:[ sign, sign, sign and sign].Ok. Sheesh. too much signing. [Loads handgun and shoot] BANG! BANG! BANG!
The bullets bounced off Diana's fat ass and hit Zell in the arm instead.
Zell: OW! ARGH! MOMMY, THAT HURTS!
Samara: Quick! Someone get him to the infirmary, quick! The bullet is contaminated after hitting that fat ass!
Zell was long out of sight.
Samara: [scratches head] Figured that the handgun wouldn't work. Oh, well! I've got a shotgun![ Shoot] BANG! BANG!
Bullet bounces off Diana's big potbelly and barely missed Irvine in the face.
Irvine: . [pisses in pants]
Selphie: [Faints]
Quistis: Oh my.
Cyra: hello y'all! Hey! Samara! How r ya?
Samara: Ola!
Seifer: hey Cyra! Wait up! Oh, hi Samara!
Samara: [drools] hi, Seifer.
Cyra:[ looks at Samara . grabs Seifer and kisses him full on the lips]
Samara: [Ignores the two] Man, this one is hard to kill!
Diana: You know, my skin is so smooth, the bullets couldn't even penetrate it!
Samara: [barf]
Squall: [pukes his breakfast]
Samara: Ok. Time to get SERIOUS! [loads bazooka, takes aim and fires] (Bazookas or any form of rocket, missiles or shuttles on planet Gaia is actually a weapon equipped with an artificial intelligence(A.I) unit. It acts like a human and has fears like a human. It calculates. stuff accurately.)
As the bazooka approached Diana's fat ass, it stopped and turned towards the ocean.
Samara: I think that the bazooka A.I. mechanism had just freaked out after seeing the target. which was Diana. T_T she's impossible to kill.
Squall: You can say that again. [watches the bazooka 'drown' in the ocean]
Bazooka: SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! [drowns]
Quistis: Why would a machine turn away without reason?
Samara: Oh, it HAS a good reason, alright. It was too scared to even come near the target.
Cyra: [sniff sniff] Ew. the sick stench.
Seifer: Yeah. I mean, SICK!
Samara: Get used to it. [puts on gas mask and breathes on precious O? which smells like rubber]
Squall: Hey, gimme some of that!
Samara: Go get yer own gas mask. Hmm. how am I gonna kill this. this. 'thing'?
Diana: [dances like 'J Lo' and 'Brittney Spears'] I'm sexy, I'm cute! Too popular to boot! Good style, great hair! The boys all like to stare!
Samara: Oi, Diana! Correction! You're supposed to sing 'I'm stupid, I'm idiotic! Too retarded to be dumb! Bad style, bad look! The boys all wanna puke!'
Diana: Look. I know you're jealous, ok. Fuck off, ok? Bitch!
Squall: Man, this one is one stupid fat ass freak!
Samara: You know, calling her a freak may be insults to other freaks, such as Zell and Nida, the science whiz, and also Nina, the library girl, who always has this stupid laugh.
Squall: Yeah. Is she a freak of nature, then?
Samara: No. Cyra is a freak of nature, being the only albino girl in the Garden. That would be an insult to her.
Squall: What is she then?
Samara: Hmm. that's a tough one. Let's see. [floats in thought bubble] I've got it! She's a jerk. That's all.
Squall: More likely. I'll go with the jerk option
Samara: Diana is officially branded a JERK. Wahahaha. [cough, cough]
Diana: You're just J-E-L-E-S! Jealous!
Samara: Oh yeah, 'smart-ass'? You couldn't even spell the word 'jealous'. It's J-E-A-L-O-U-S.
Diana: Whatever. You know, I think that I'm gonna be a pop star when I grow up. I'll be more popular than Brittney or J Lo or any other divas on earth.
Samara: .The only 'diva' on PLANET GAIA is Julia Heartily. No one ever got further than her, moron.
Diana: bitch.
Samara: egghead.
Diana: Stuck up bitch.
Samara: Sick piece of human clone reject.
Diana: Loser the Bitch. [Does the 'L' sign with finger to forehead.]
Samara: .Is that all you've got? Yeesh, all you say is bitch, bitch and bitch. Do you even know what's the meaning of a bitch? And why it's BAD to call someone a bitch?
Diana: Uh. whatever.
Samara: [dials phone] Hello? Timber Maniacs Magazine Company? Yes, uh. are they any tips on how to kill a. uh. Marlboro? (A Marlboro is this weird green monster that lives on the Island Closest to Hell. A Marlboro is as tough as hell to kill. And I'm not making the island's name up. It's real! There's one that's closest to Heaven, but it ain't like heaven at all!)
T.M. Editor: Well. try using 'Death' spells or maybe 'Doom'. That might work.
Samara: How about 'Firaga' and 'Thundaga'?
T.M. Editor: um. 'Flare'?
Samara: .I'll use 'Death'. Thanks!
Squall: Found a way to kill her off?
Samara: Squall. Do me a favor, will ya? Cast 'Death' magic on Diana.
Squall: Ok. DEATH!. Nothing's happening.
Samara: .What now? 'Doom'?
Squall: DOOM!. still nothing. T_T I'm never gonna get Rinoa back.
Samara: I just wanna get her off of planet Gaia before she upsets the delicate balance of nature!
Diana: You know what? I've got a prettier voice than Brittney Spears!
Squall: Who in the hell is Brittney whatever?
Samara: Brittney Spears. the brat of show biz on planet earth.
Squall: Brat? You mean stupid show off draggy brat?
Samara: Yep. Bingo.
Diana: [in crappy voice] I'm nat a gerl. nat yet é woman. all I need is time. é moment that is mine. while I'm in between. I'm nat a gerl.
As she sang the whole chorus of that CRAPPY song, (yes, I think Brittney Spears is STUPID and her songs SUCK coz she spoils it by not knowing how to sing!) the windows of the garden started to crack and eventually break. So did Quistis's glasses and the windshield of Squall's car.
Squall: MY CAR! T_T it's a brand new car, for HYNE'S SAKE!
Samara: Oh boy. Squall! I've got an idea! Let's go to the Island Closest To Hell and leave her there! Let the Marlboros kill her!
Squall: Good thinking!
The two boarded the next train to Galbadia with Diana on the cargo train coz the conductor didn't like the smell, and used a motor boat to get to the island.
Samara: Nah! Diana, you can stay here. It's a. uh.. Free trip to the Island Closest to. Paradise! Yeah! The Island Closest to Paradise!
Squall: [whisper] Nice one. 'The Island Closest to Paradise'. Sheesh! Like there's anything on the planet like that.
Samara: Quiet.
Diana: Oh My God! What is that ugly green monster?
Samara: That would be a Marlboro. [WHISPERS] Hehe. she's sure gonna get it.
Marlboro: ROAR ROAR ROAR!!! [Translation: Who are you calling ugly, you ugly faggot?]
Suddenly, Diana screamed and started jumping up and down, up and down, up and down. The Marlboro was SO SCARED of her; it actually jumped into the ocean.
Samara: Squall. I thought that Marlboros were land creatures. They wouldn't last a second in water. [Watches the 20-foot monster swim to the neighboring islands]
Marlboro: ROOOOOOAR ROOOOOOAAAAR! ROOOOOooOOOOOoooooo00oo0o000oaaaaaAAaAAARR! [Translation: HELP! THERE'S THIS UGLY KID ON MY ISLAND AND SHE SMELLS LIKE A PILE OF 10-YEAR-OLD WENDIGO SHIT! HELLLLLLLLPPPP!] (Old Wendigo shits smell awful, and I MEAN awful.) [Marlboro drowns in water.]
Squall: They ARE land creatures.
Samara: Then we're dealing with a 'creature' that's even more dangerous then a Marlboro. BUT I THOUGHT THAT MARLBOROS WERE DANGEROUS CREATURES! They can actually kill people just by whipping them with their tentacles!!
Squall: Hyne, please save me! I WANT MY RINOA!
Samara: Weapons won't work. Magic spells won't do anything. Monsters are too scared to come near her. What now?
Squall: I wish that this THING had never came to Gaia! I just want my Rinoa back! [starts to cry]
Samara: There, there. Don't cry. I'm sure we'll figure out a way to bring Rinoa back and Diana to the other world.
Diana: Woohoo! I'm SEXY! I'm CUTE! Too POPULAR to BOOT! [Jump] Good STYLE! GREAT HAIR! THE BOYS all wanna STARE! [Jump and dances like J Lo in the video clip 'I'm Glad'.]
Samara: For God's sake. stop! [face turns green] That is disgusting.. I'm never gonna watch J Lo's or Brittney Dumb-Ass's videos again in my entire life!
Diana: You're just jealous!
Samara: [dials phone] Hello? Marlboro Breeding Center? Hi! I'm calling from the Island Closest to Hell, and I just wanna ask, what's a Marlboro's weakness? No! I'm not gonna kill a Marlboro, but this annoying jerk from a distance planet. Can you help? No! I swear! In fact, she scared off a 20- foot Marlboro! Honest! Look. Do you hear any Marlboro roars here? NO! That's coz she scared it off! HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP! I REPEAT~ DON'T YOU DARE~ .hang up. .JERK!
Squall: It's hopeless, right? [in tears]
Samara: By the looks of it. yes. Maybe we should ask that pesky scientist, Dr Odine!
Squall: OK! Let's bring her to Esthar!
So the two dragged the Marlboro killer off to Esthar in a boat. They had to bypass FH first, and took the train tracks.
Samara: [riding on hi-tech lift to Esthar main gate] Hmm. I wonder if Dr Odine is gonna be interested in studying Diana's ability to kill off Marlboros?
Squall: Who wouldn't? People have been searching for ways to kill Marlboros. This is one hell of a scientific breakthrough! We're gonna be RICH!
Samara: Yeah. imagine. Gils (Gaia's currency) sticking outta our pockets. I'll be the richest kid on Gaia!
Squall: I'll probably be wiping my a$$ with money!
Samara: Now that's disrespectful.
The three entered Dr Odine's Laboratory, which was located at the South side of Esthar City.
Samara: OI! ODIN, YOU JACK ASS! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!
Squall: .you sure are one hell of a mean little kid.
Samara: hey, I'm no kid! I'm. growing up! [And I REFUSE to use the phrase 'I'm not a girl, not yet a woman'.]
Dr Odine: Yes, yes. Vat iz it now?
Samara: I have something that might interest you. BEHOLD. Diana Benjamin's rare ability to kill off Marlboros!
Dr Odine: Oh, really? Dat iz a very important breakzrough!
Samara: Psst, Squall. what's with the accent?
Squall: [shrugs] Dunno.
Dr Odine: [sniff sniff] PHEW! Vat in Hyne'z name iz zat zmell?
Samara: That, my dear Doctor, is the smell that drives Marlboros away!
Dr Odine: Yeck. zat iz one sick zmell. and I kan zee why it zrives [drives] huge monsters away!
Samara: I just said that.
Squall: So Prof.. if we sell her to you, how much will you pay us?
Diana: [points at the dead specimens of monsters preserved in jars] Oh My GOD! This is so UGLY! AAAH![ jumps like idiot]
As the fat monster-killer jumped around, the test tubes and all the fragile equipment in the lab cracked. and eventually break.
Dr Odine: Oh NO! My experimentz! It iz all RUINED! Waaaaa!
Samara: .Now you've done it, Diana!
Squall: Uh. Lets GO!
The two ran out of the lab, with Diana behind, screaming and giggling like a raved lunatic.
Diana: AAAAH! That was so GROSS!
Samara: Shut up, will ya? You might crack all the buildings here in Esthar!
Squall: IT'S HOPELESS! I'LL NEVER GET MY RINNY BACK! WAWAWAWA! [Cries like a baby]
Samara: .Diana. you're so. I can't even find a word to describe you.
Diana: I'm SEXY! I'm CUTE! Too POPULAR to.!
Samara: Shut UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUPPPPP! For heaven's SAKE! You sound like a total wannabe!
Diana: You're just jealous!
Samara: argh. I'm so gonna lose my temper. [bites on metal chain]
Squall: I want my Rinoa back!
Suddenly, Samara's head snapped.
Samara: Uh-uh! SORCERESS EDEA! She might figure out a way to get rid of Diana!
Squall: Anything to bring back my Rinoa. [begging for Samara's help. he's desperate]
The two dragged Diana to Centra Continent. in the Ragnarok Spaceship!
Samara: Squall, you go talk to the sorceress. After all, you know her, don't you?
Squall: Ok. Ahem. Matron, I need your help. You see.
As Squall told the Sorceress the whole story, the Sorceress laughed until tears formed in her eyes.
Samara: Um. Matron, we really need to get this jerk off of this planet. Or she'll corrupt the entire system!
Sorceress Edea: Hmmm. I see. Well then, let's get started. Now, where do I begin? Ah! Yes. first of all, we must compress time.
Samara: Again? No! Not again! Anything but that!
Sorceress Edea: Just kidding! Hmm. ah, yes! I'll summon the spirit of the wind, Pandemona!
After a séance, the huge wind spirit, Pandemona, appeared in the center of a tornado.
Sorceress Edea: [whisper] You might wanna use the medieval dialect.
Samara: Right. Ahem. Oh great Pandemona, will thou help the likes of us? We are in great need of thy help, for thou hath the power to save thy world from great peril that lays ahead. Thou art more powerful than the likes of Bahamut and all other GFs in the land. Help us, oh great Pandemona, for it is thou who can save us all from thy doom.
Pandemona: Cut the crap, will ya? Ya ain't cool, ya know. Ya sound like one of them stupid old folks from the past. Just get on with it, ya know? Be quick. Be happenin'. Be SLAMMIN'.
Samara: .and I've been talking like a freak? Alright. Listen here and listen well. I've gotta get this. fat ass jerk back to our home planet. And I regret saying that we share a home planet. Think ya can help us?
Pandemona: Maybe. [Sniff sniff] what in the hell? What's that sick stench?
Samara: The fat ass freak's sick smell.
Pandemona: .There is no way on freaking hell I'm gonna do that SHIT! GOOD BYE! [DISSAPEARS LIKE THAT]
Squall: Wow. that was fast.
Sorceress Edea: .Well, that was unexpected. Now, let's see. why not we summon Odin?
Samara: The Great GF Odin. [Not Dr Odine. The GF Odin! The thunder God Guardian Force thingy!]
Another séance.
Samara: Ahem. yo, wassup, Odin? How's it hangin' back there? Ya mind helpin' us with this teeny weenie favor?
Odin: I do not understand a word thou art saying. Speaketh in proper manners, young lady!
Samara: .Right. Great Odin, will thou help the likes of us in saving thy world and also my world, for we need be rid of thy foe who dresses in blue! [man, that was sick.]
Odin: And THOU expect ME to deal with a mortal who SMELLS LIKE WENDIGO CRAP! You be thy fool, if thou art to think so!
Samara:. I. take that as a no.
Odin: Damn RIGHT, MORTAL! [Disappears]
Samara: .That's two spirits in a row.
Squall: WAAAAH! I WANNA MY RINOA BACK! I MISS HER SO MUCH! RINOA! [runs to the flower field where the two made a promise to wait there if they can't find each other.]
Samara: Umm. you might wanna talk to him. I'll be here. thinking.
Sorceress Edea: [Wearing Samara's gas mask] Ok.
Samara: Diana, Diana. Why do you have to mess up this damn system.
Diana: Coz I'm sexy! I'm cute!
Samara: Por favor. not that again. T_T
Diana: Lalalalalalalalalalalaaaa.
Samara: [my head is gonna burst.] VILG OUI! ARGH!
Diana: My voice is so beautiful, Brittney Spears eat your heart out!
Samara: Someone kill me.
Diana: I'm nat é gerl. nat yet é woman.
Samara: I've heard this all before. reality's a bore.
Diana:. let's get loud, let's get loud!
Samara:.. Wake me up inside, wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. [stand up. don't wanna loose!]
Diana: [Crappy voice] Crazy, I'm in too deep. I'm so excited, I just can't sleep. Woooh, crazy! But it feels so right! Baby thinkin' of ya keeps me up all night!
Samara: Atemonaku samayotteita Tegakarimonaku sagashitsuzuketa
Diana: I can do better! I'm over protected. lalalalala
Samara:. it's all Brittney Spears. and she makes Brittney look bad.
Diana: OOOOOOOVERPROTECTED!
Samara: If I had just one tear running down your cheek. Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep.
Diana: From the bottom of my broken heart. lalalalaaah
Samara: The hell. Sing something else, lah oiii. it's always Brittney Dumb- Ass.
Diana: . Get the party started on a Saturday night.
Samara: One more time and you'll be dead. At least I think that's what they said. Forty days won't break a man. It was a bullet in his head.
Diana: What song was that?
Samara: Revolution Man. ROX!
Diana: Whatever. You suck.
Samara: Oh yeah? You suck. times two!
Diana: You suck times a hundred!
Samara: You suck times 3 thousand!
Diana: Whatever. You suck one million!
Samara: You suck times one billion billion billion!
Diana: Look. I know you're jealous coz I've got an even prettier voice than you, ok? You're just a loser.
Samara: Me? Jealous of YOU? On a cold day in Hell!
Diana: Oh yeah? You are too!
Samara: Fat chance. until pigs fly!
Diana: Are too!
Sorceress Edea: You know, Diana. Your voice sux. Big time. Samara's voice may be a bit broken up but.
Samara: I've got a sore throat!
Sorceress Edea: .she sings better that you!
Diana:. WAAAH! [Cry like mad] Everyone hates me!
Samara: Damn right!
Sorceress Edea: [Reading spell book] Ahah. here's a vanishing spell! [Chants]
As the sorceress chanted an incantation, Diana magically disappeared.
Samara:. ALL HAIL SORCERESS EDEA! SQUALL! DIANA'S GONE! MATRON MADE HER DISAPPEAR! Squall? Where the hell.
Somewhere in the distance.
"RINOA! I'VE MISSED YOU! OH MY SWEET RINOA!"
Samara: Um. I think Rinoa appeared. somehow. That's a relief.
Sorceress Edea: Thank Hyne.
Samara: But I'm broke and I can't even buy me a ticket back to Balamb. I spent it all on weapons and the trip to FH and all. I can't go back home!
Sorceress Edea: Well, you can ask Squall to send you home.
Samara: You know what? I think I'll go back to earth just the way I came here. [Samara disappears from sight before you can even say 'peppercorn'.]
Sorceress Edea: .How the hell she did that?
Gaia was once again safe from any terror by any evil force. Thanks to Samara's effort in banishing Diana from Gaia. Yay!
[END]
A/N: Ahahahahaahahahaaa. that was stupid! Anyways, it was just something stupid. END!