The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out for a spin. Just something that ran through my tiny mind the last time I went to the mall.
Figgis Spinners
"God how many bills do I have?" Mallory groaned as she sat at her desk. A glass of scotch in one hand and a bill in the other.
"What's this one for?" Mallory picked up a bill. "Final notice of payment…If only it was a final notice. For that couple's counseling Ron and I went to back in New York three years ago! HA! Good luck with that Dr. Quackenbush!"
Mallory threw the bill into the trash. "If I can avoid paying the government taxes for over forty years, I think I can get away with not paying for some so-called marriage counseling that didn't even work! The only reason we're still together is that we don't want to waste money on a lawyer!"
She paused for a moment. "Hang on, how did that shrink find me after all this time? He must have used a better detective agency than this one. Not that much of a stretch."
Mallory then noticed that her wastebasket was full. "Ugh, great. Now I have to empty the wastebasket. Carol! Car—No. Never mind Carol! Forget it! Pam! Pam! PAM!"
"WHAT?" Pam snapped as she walked in. Something red was between her fingers moving very fast.
"I want you to…" Mallory noticed the thing in Pam's hand. "What is that in that bear paw you call a hand?"
"It's a Wiggle Whizzer," Pam said as she watched it spin.
"A what?" Mallory blinked. "Are you just putting random words together or…?"
"It's the latest coolest thing!" Pam showed her. "You just spin it like this!" She spun it between her fingers.
"It looks like someone broke a piece off of a small fan," Mallory remarked. "What's the point? Pam? PAM!"
"What?" Pam blinked.
"What is the point of this thing?" Mallory snapped pointing at the device. "Why do you have it?"
"It helps me concentrate," Pam said. "Duh!"
"Of course," Mallory groaned. "What was I thinking?"
"I never quite know with you," Pam said honestly. "Oh I just got a new one! Want to see what it does?"
"Let me guess?" Mallory sighed as Pam took another one out of her pocket. "It spins around?"
"Besides that!" Pam snapped. "Duh! Watch!"
The Wiggle Whizzer lit up and started playing the Hamster Dance Song. "De dah dilly do!" Pam sang along with it.
"Just when I think those the world can't make any less sense!" Mallory groaned. "It does!"
"De dah dilly dooooooohhhh!" Pam sang. "De de de lidly dee…"
"PAM!" Mallory shouted as she got up from her desk.
"WHAT?"
"Give me that stupid thing!" Mallory grabbed it and threw it in the wastebasket. "OW! Damn thing nearly cut my finger off!"
"You have to turn it off before you…HOLY FIRESNACKS!" Pam gasped as the wastebasket suddenly caught on fire.
"It's caught on fire!" Mallory gasped.
"Yeah, they have been known to do that," Pam admitted.
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!" Mallory shouted. "CAN'T WE HAVE ONE WEEK WITHOUT A DAMN FIRE AROUND HERE? PAM!"
"I got it!" Pam grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and put the fire out. "Good thing for us we have all of these. You know? Because of Cheryl."
"Get rid of that!" Mallory pointed at the wastebasket. "The whole damn thing!"
"All right! Jesus!" Pam groaned as she put down the fire extinguisher and took out the wastebasket. "What do you want me to do with it?"
"Take it out to dinner and a movie!" Mallory shouted. "What do you think? Ugh it smells like burnt plastic! Just get rid of the whole thing!"
"Are you sure?" Pam remarked. "Seems like a waste of a good wastebasket."
"Just get rid of it!" Mallory shouted. "Before I wise up and get rid of you!"
"Okay! Hostile work environment!" Pam rolled her eyes as she walked out with the trash basket.
"Idiots," Mallory groaned as she sat back down. "IDIOTS!"
"Hey Mallory," Lana walked in with some papers. "I got today's mail and…Why does it smell like burnt plastic in here?"
"Short version I need a new wastebasket for my office," Mallory groaned.
"Malloy we've been over this," Lana groaned. "Just empty the trashcan yourself. It's easier and cheaper that way."
"No…" Mallory began.
"Plus, it's a perfectly good wastebasket," Lana added.
"No Lana, it caught on fire!" Mallory told her.
"Again," Lana sighed. "Easier and cheaper to do it yourself instead of asking Cheryl to do it. And fewer fires."
"This time it was Pam's fault!" Mallory groaned. "One of her stupid little do dads she's obsessed with caught on fire. After I threw it in the trash can. After Pam annoyed the hell out of me with it!"
Lana sighed. "I'm guessing you've noticed Pam's latest addiction."
"Is it really called a Wiggle Whizzer?" Mallory asked.
"That is one of the names for it yes," Lana sighed. "It's the latest thing. Haven't you noticed every time you go anywhere, nearly every single store sells those stupid things?"
"What a surprise," Mallory groaned. "If there is a stupid fad or insane craze, trust Pam to be at the forefront of it!"
"And spoiler alert," Lana sighed. "She's not the only one."
The Hamster Dance theme was heard again. Cheryl walked by laughing while she held two spinners in each hand.
"I don't know why I am surprised," Mallory groaned. "I shouldn't be by now. I know that. But I am."
"Cyril and Krieger like the damn things too," Lana groaned. "This fad is everywhere. There are even stores devoted to selling these things exclusively. Which is ridiculous because every other store sells them so…"
"Please tell me my granddaughter is not also addicted to those things," Mallory gasped.
"Oh God no," Lana said. "She's way too young and there are pieces that could break apart and choke her. She is very happy with Happy Homemaker approved stuffed ocelot and I plan to keep it that way!"
"Happy what?" Mallory asked.
"It's a parent's group that promotes child safe toys," Lana explained. "Like the eyes can't be pulled off and swallowed and things like that. The ocelot Archer got her is totally safe."
"Something tells me he tried to swallow those eyes himself, didn't he?" Mallory groaned.
"He claimed he was testing it for safety," Lana sighed. "But uh…"
FLASHBACK!
"GRRRRR!" Archer was using his mouth to try and pull out a stuffed ocelot's eyes. "Good news Lana! This thing really is childproof!"
He looked at the pile of destroyed stuffed toys behind him. "These toys, not so much."
"AH-HEM!"
Archer looked at the very angry manager of the toy store. "Okay I'm gonna take this stuffed ocelot here," Archer said. "And you might want to get these other stuffed animals recalled. They're not safe at all."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Is that why I got a six-hundred-dollar bill from that toy store?" Mallory asked with a sigh.
"Well yes," Lana sighed. "That and…"
FLASHBACK!
"Pweew! Pwweew! Pwweeew!" Archer was playing with toy guns in the aisle of the toy store. "I'm Dick Tracy! Eat hot lead bad guys! Pwweeeww!"
He then saw a giant stuffed gorilla in a mobster style outfit. There was a sign saying ZERK THE GANGSTER GORILLA. "Eat hot lead Zerk!" Archer pretend shot the gorilla. "Oh you're a tough guy huh! Well take that!"
He then tackled the toy gorilla and wrestled it. "HA HA! Take that Zerk! HA HA!"
Lana looked on very embarrassed while Baby AJ squealed with glee watching her father's antics from her stroller.
"And that's how we got banned from this toy store," Lana groaned as security ran in.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Which we were," Lana groaned. "And a few others…"
"Reason why I never took Sterling toy shopping Number Four," Mallory groaned.
"What were the other three reasons?" Lana asked.
"Don't ask," Mallory groaned. "Let's just say there's a reason they don't sell life sized Barbies anymore."
"Anyway, I am not letting AJ near a Wiggle Whizzer if I can help it," Lana groaned. "Thank God County Day has a no Wiggle Whizzer policy in place."
"That's a thing now?" Mallory gasped.
"It's totally a thing now," Krieger walked in with Cyril. "And we intend to capitalize on it."
"Now I know this craze is about to die," Lana quipped. "If you two have an idea about it."
"Ha ha, Lana," Cyril gave her a look. "Krieger has come up with a whizzer that sets us apart from the rest!"
"That's what I'm worried about," Lana sighed. "That it will make it easier for the Fraud Division to prosecute us."
Mallory groaned. "This is going to be like that stupid thing with the wheels that caught fire in the break room last year, isn't it?"
"Okay A, I didn't make that!" Krieger spoke up. "Archer bought that from some dealer at the mall. Which honestly, he should have really known better. And B, it wasn't even a real hoverboard. Real hoverboards don't have wheels! End of story!"
"Well they don't make hoverboards that can just float," Cyril said.
"Not yet!" Krieger corrected. "Give me a few months. I'm sure I can get it right this time!"
"Is that why the hallway smells like burned plastic?" Cyril groaned.
"No, that one was Pam," Mallory told him. "Her stupid spinning thing caught on fire. And burned a perfectly good trash can. On the other hand, it also burned a lot of bills I wasn't planning to pay so…"
"Why would Pam use a whizzer to set fire to a trash can?" Krieger asked. "Wouldn't it be easier to use a lighter?"
"No," Mallory began.
"It was a perfectly good trash can too!" Cyril added. "Great! Another thing to take a bite out of the budget!"
"Pam's stupid thing caught fire when I threw it in the trash!" Mallory shouted. "Which proves that Krieger's creation is defective! Cue the collective shock."
"A, that wasn't one of mine!" Krieger spoke up. "Pam got it from the mall."
"I told her that vendor looked shady," Cyril nodded.
"And B," Krieger took out a silver strange looking device. "This is my creation!"
"So what makes it different?" Lana asked. "Other than the fact that it's silver?"
"This," Krieger grinned. He made it spin and it started to glow. Then it levitated from his hand and started floating in the air.
"We call them Figgis Spinners," Cyril grinned.
"I wanted to call them Krieger Spinners but I have to admit," Krieger shrugged. "Figgis rings better for some reason."
"So it can fly?" Lana blinked as the device floated around the room.
"Yes," Krieger grinned. "Isn't it awesome! We already sold a bunch of these!"
"Let me guess where?" Lana sighed. "At the mall?"
"No," Krieger waved. "Not at the mall. Too sketchy."
"Plus there's this little thing called rent," Cyril added. "We just set up a booth at Venice Beach."
"Oh right," Lana drawled. "That's not sketchy at all."
"We must have sold about thirty of these babies," Krieger explained.
"And at twenty dollars a pop that's some serious change!" Cyril grinned. "That's six hundred dollars in the bank baby!"
"Twenty dollars for that flying piece of crap?" Mallory gasped. "People will really buy anything these days."
"Lucky for us, right?" Krieger grinned as the Figgis Spinner zipped around.
"So now we're in the flying crap sales business," Mallory groaned.
"Still more plausible than that whole country music thing," Cyril reminded her. "While we were trying to run a cocaine cartel."
"Fair enough," Mallory sighed.
"We're going to make a lot of money with these," Cyril grinned.
"So how do you control them?" Lana asked as she watched the spinner.
"What do you mean?" Krieger blinked.
"Here it comes…" Mallory groaned. "The huge radioactive fly in the highly flammable ointment."
"How do you control that thing?" Lana pointed. "And more importantly, how do you make it land safely?"
"Uhh…" Cyril blinked. "That is a good question. Krieger…?"
"Uhh…." Krieger blinked.
"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory began.
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
"AAAAH!" Mallory screamed as the Figgis Spinner flew dangerously close to her head and out the door.
"There it is," Lana groaned.
"Okay," Krieger blinked. "Minor design flaw here…"
"MINOR DESIGN FLAW?" Cyril shouted.
SMASH! CRASH!
"And now your latest stupid invention is smashing into everything," Mallory groaned.
"How long does the battery last on that thing?" Lana asked.
"Uhh…." Krieger blinked.
"Do I even want to know how it's powered?" Lana groaned.
"We're talking radioactive, aren't we?" Cyril moaned.
"Not that radioactive," Krieger protested. "Not compared to cell phones."
"AAAHHH!" Pam and Cheryl ran by with two more Figgis Spinners chasing them.
"I also sold a couple to Pam and Cheryl," Krieger admitted.
"I figured that out," Mallory groaned.
CRASH! SMASH!
"Thank you, Krieger," Mallory grumbled. "For completely screwing up! AGAIN!"
"Well at least it can't get any worse," Krieger shrugged.
"Uh hey y'all," Ray poked his head in the door. "The cops are here. Something about some kind of spinning things you sold that are out of control?"
"Uh oh," Cyril gulped. "It just got worse!"
"And that is my cue to sneak out the back door," Lana groaned as she left. "I am not being arrested again if I can help it!"
"Me too," Ray nodded and went with her.
"Wait for me!" Mallory said as she followed her. "Cyril, you're the head of the agency! You deal with this!"
"Interesting when they do admit it isn't it?" Cyril groaned. "Come on Krieger!"
"Well if it isn't our favorite detectives," Detective Dietrich said as he and his partner Detective Harris were standing in the foyer. "Causing trouble again. Surprise. Surprise."
"Detectives, what is this about?" Cyril asked. "As if I didn't know. But you might as well tell me."
"You idiots are in serious trouble!" Detective Dietrich snapped. He pointed to his head which had a small bandage on it. "You did this to me!"
"I don't remember hitting you," Krieger blinked. "Maybe it was one of my clones?"
"Anyone else that statement would sound totally weird," Detective Harris groaned.
"Tell me about it," Cyril sighed.
"Not literally!" Detective Dietrich snapped. "Your stupid flying death trap did this to me!" He pointed at his head.
"I told you not to buy stuff at Venice Beach," Detective Harris said to his partner.
"You sold to the cops?" Cyril glared at Krieger.
"He had twenty bucks!" Krieger protested.
"It nearly killed me!" Detective Dietrich snapped.
"I didn't nearly kill you," Detective Harris rolled his eyes.
"Look at my head!" Detective Dietrich pointed at it.
"I've had paper cuts that were more damaging!" Detective Harris groaned.
"Me too," Krieger said.
"That thing chased me all around the station before I shot it down!" Detective Dietrich snapped.
"It took at least three rounds before he put it down," Detective Harris remarked. "The captain was not happy about the office getting shot up."
"He chewed me out in front of everyone!" Detective Dietrich snapped.
"It was also extremely hilarious," Detective Harris added.
"You know…?" Detective Dietrich glared at him.
"Hey usually I'm the one he yells at for using my gun!" Detective Harris protested. "It was just nice being a bystander for a change."
"You use your gun to get free soda from the machine!" Detective Dietrich snapped. "Like every other day!"
"Still cheaper than paying," Detective Harris shrugged. "I get my bullets from work so…"
"Oh that will do it," Krieger nodded.
"And the cherry on the ice cream sundae of insanity is that now we have to come down on your insane robot loving asses!" Detective Dietrich shouted.
"I sense that you're mad at us," Krieger realized.
"No, ya think?" Cyril gave him a look.
"And it's more than the Figgis Spinner thing, isn't it?" Krieger went on. "Why would you be mad at us other than that?"
"Oh I don't know!" Detective Dietrich snapped. "Maybe because of you idiots we got kicked off the case of the century?"
"To be fair you really shouldn't have let Veronica Deane just walk away when you should have brought her into custody," Cyril explained. "Of course, she was going to wash her hands!"
"Thanks Col-Dumbo!" Detective Dietrich snapped.
"Your superiors saw the footage from that camera secretly installed in her dressing room, didn't they?" Cyril groaned.
"And half the precinct," Detective Harris admitted. "And everyone who has a Me Tube account."
"Yeah we busted the head of the studio but spoiler alert…" Detective Dietrich groaned. "He saved his ass by turning over his recordings to the department."
"The brass was so not happy how this whole thing went down," Detective Harris groaned. "Especially since a lot of the head honchos and their friends had investments in Stratford and Whitney. Lost a lot of money."
"Really?" Cyril gulped.
"Like the damn mayor," Detective Dietrich groaned. "And half the city council!"
"The whole Long Water thing has got half the city in an uproar," Detective Harris grumbled. "We all know Deane was involved with the whole thing. Of course, thanks to the mysterious deaths of Stratford and Whitney we can only guess how far."
"Long story short," Detective Dietrich growled. "The guys at the top blame us for Deane getting away. And we blame you for getting involved! So…"
BUZZZZ!
"AAAHHH!" Pam and Cheryl ran by.
"Oh no!" Detective Dietrich screamed. "NOT AGAIN! RUN AWAY!" He ran off.
Three Figgis Spinners chased after him, Pam and Cheryl. "IT'S THE RISE OF THE TERMINATORS!" Cheryl screamed. "TINY ROBOT TERMINATORS!"
"IT'S JUST LIKE MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!" Detective Dietrich screamed. "BUT WITH TINY MACHINES!"
"QUIT YAPPIN' AND KEEP RUNNING!" Pam screamed.
"Damn," Detective Harris snickered. "That's still funny."
"But you're still going to shut us down, aren't you?" Cyril groaned.
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Detective Dietrich screamed as something crashed.
"I'll tell you what," Detective Harris said. "If you sell me the rest of your inventory at a reasonable price I'll make sure the charges go away. And by reasonable, I mean a hundred bucks."
"Done!" Krieger nodded.
"You're going to use them for yourself, aren't you?" Cyril sighed.
"Let's just say I have some problems with my neighbors and leave it at that," Detective Harris shrugged.
CRASH!
"Well with these you won't have problems for long," Krieger remarked.
"That's the idea," Detective Harris grinned.