A\N: IT'S DONE! IT'S FINALLY DONE! God, I spent over a year writing this and it's done and I'm so happy because it's done that I didn't even double-checked it! JESUS, I MADE IT! AFTER SO LONG I MADE IT! You guys, I really hope you enjoy my struggling against the writing block I had this year and wrote this one-shot that I wrote little by little - but that now is done. And please, do tell me if I made any mistakes. I'm just so happy that I'm writing for Azula again... :,)
At first she's numb, and for a moment she feels normal and she's herself again.
She raises her empty hand toward the dark sky and lets a small flame light up her surroundings for a second.
Yes, she's lost.
In every meaning of the word.
Her body is still lying on the ground, but she doesn't know how long she has been fallen there. Maybe hours, maybe minutes, maybe days.
Since her mind broke, she couldn't tell the time.
She doesn't know the time.
She doesn't know where she is or how long she's been running. She doesn't know what to do or where to go. She doesn't even know what to think.
She doesn't want to think.
She doesn't want to go back to those horrible days and those terrible pains where everything hurts and every word is so loud and every color is so bright.
Where every flame is so hot.
She wants to stay here in the dark forgotten forest, where everything is quiet and her mind is numb.
She lays back on the dirty ground, staring at the nothing, not letting anything come into focus. She wants to stay like this for another moment before something triggers the sharp pain that's hiding behind the veil and all the noise comes back again.
She doesn't want to think.
But she thinks anyway.
She tries to order her thoughts while she's sober and conscious, but it feels useless. What's the point of recovery if she's going to lose it again in a matter of seconds?
Even so she tries.
She pushes her mind past the early childhood memories - the good and old days - until two little faces become recognizable.
"Ty Lee. Mai."
The memory is happy, but just whispering their names is enough to make her shake and the small ball of anger inside her chest threaten to explode.
Those ungrateful betrayers…
You miscalculated!
You should have feared me more!
She bites her tongue and sits abruptly. She can taste the blood. She buries her fingernails in the soil. She shuts her eyes to stop the tears from falling down. She clenches her teeth to stop the storm that's starting to break inside of her.
Not now, not now, not now.
She tries to silence her mind while her eyes adjust to the darkness and begin to distinguish the shapes of the trees and bushes. There's no living creature around and the night is cold.
She doesn't know where she is, but it's far, and that's enough.
Her heart sinks in the silence around her. Her memories are still shaking.
You can't treat me like this!
You can't treat me like...
She stands up. She wanders.
In such a dark place at such a dark night if mortal eyes came to see her they would take her by a haunt. Her messed hair and her tattered clothes combined with her weird walk would scare anyone. They wouldn't even notice that her eyes, despite tired and terrified, were lucid.
But her mind is hanging on by a thread, and she keeps muttering to herself, trying not to lose it.
She tries to focus on something else. She tries to go back to the innocent memories - the good and old days -, but the last memory triggered another one.
So her thoughts now go to her brother.
Her pathetic little brother looking at her with those dumb little eyes, believing he's stronger than her.
Her pathetic little brother staring at her with a pathetic anger thinking he can finally beat her.
Her pathetic little brother with teary eyes when he recognizes that she's better than he'll ever be.
Her pathetic little brother with suspicious eyes while she smiles at him.
Her pathetic little brother and his pathetic theory of a better nation.
Her pathetic little brother with those eyes full of pity.
Pity for her.
"I don't need your pity, you miserable bastard!"
She falls on her knees. She lets a deep breath come in and out from her lungs. She needs to calm down, she needs to calm down, she needs to calm down, she needs to calm down.
She has to be strong, she has to be strong now.
What did she say before?
Even when you're strong, you're weak.
She raises her head. She's still lost.
She doesn't know how long she has been walking around. She doesn't know what to do or where to go. She doesn't even know what to think.
She doesn't want to think.
But she can't stop herself from listening.
"Come back, Azula." It's all that the voice says.
That damned cursed voice, that haunted melody that has been chasing her from forever. It enters into her ears, her head, her mind. Infecting her, making her sick, grabbing and making its nest, getting ready to explode everything and turn her into ashes.
She looks down. Her mother is there, at the small puddle on the ground, right where her reflex should have been.
"You are not here." she mutters. "This isn't real."
"Please, my dear… Stop running! Come back!" the ghost keeps repeating, unaware of her muttered words.
Her mind is a turmoil. She's drowning, she's already breathless, she's losing it, she's losing it.
"You're in Hira'a!" She tries to make her words louder. Useless. "You're not real!"
"I love you, Azula" the ghost says "You know I do."
She lost it.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" She yells as she goes punching and pounding the ghost, the reflex, the water, the mud.
Her screams fill the night and the flames now spread everywhere. She cries and yells and growls, she curls up on the ground and then kicks the air, buries her broken nails on her dirty face, pulls her hair out and tries to erase the images from her head, tries to go back to the good and old days and to the numbness; tries to take everything back to normal, but she's broken.
She's broken and can no longer ratiocinate. The damage is beyond repair now; her eyes are completely savages, she's not herself anymore.
She roars, then, ignoring the fire that burns higher and higher and greedily eats* everything it touches. She's not its master anymore, and the flames now take control over her, but she couldn't care less. She has no focus. She just struggles to overpower all the noise, she just screams to cease the incessant nagging on her head.
It's a lost battle, the noise only grows louder.
She lost it. She completely lost it, and now she burns.
Her entire self is caught in the flames she fed her entire life and now run wild. The blue surrounds her, devouring her flesh, her bones, her sanity.
Little by little, piece by piece, until there's nothing left.
Nothing but ashes.
She's burning. She knows she is.
And the fire will soon consume her mind.