Written for Prompts in Panem Day 4 - Hyacinth
"Fertility: Defined as the bearing of offspring or the ability to produce offspring, this option may also extend to the exploration of pregnancy or family dynamics within the Everlark pairing."
It started when Delly announced that she was pregnant.
Katniss and Peeta had invited Delly and her new husband, Bram, over for dinner. They'd had their toasting a few months prior, and Katniss had suggested to Peeta weeks ago that they have them over. Peeta had been surprised by her suggestion – Katniss wasn't usually one for company. But in the spirit of all they'd lost, he felt it as important to maintain the connection with Delly, one of his only remaining friends from childhood.
Thus the dinner had finally been arranged. They were eating lamb stew, fresh bread and wine, all of which Peeta had prepared; Katniss was hopeless in the kitchen. Halfway through the meal, when Delly put her fork down, grabbed Bram's hand and announced with a big smile that they were expecting a baby in the spring, Peeta could only look at Katniss. She was smiling – too brightly for it to be real, Peeta noticed. But Delly and Bram couldn't have known that.
"Congrats, guys! That's great news."
The couple didn't notice the way her smile faltered slightly and her voice cracked at the end, but Peeta did. He grabbed her hand under the table and squeezed.
"We're so happy for you!" Peeta exclaimed, slowly running his thumb over Katniss' knuckles.
Delly beamed. "Thanks guys! We're really excited!" Bram had a matching smile as Delly couldn't resist leaning over to hug him.
Peeta took advantage of their distraction to give Katniss a sad smiled. She smiled back, but it didn't reach her eyes.
I love you, he mouthed.
I love you too, she answered, and then she smiled for real.
Peeta is brushing his teeth in the bathroom later that night, after their guests had left. She starts to turn down the bed to get in for the night, but when she looks up for a second she has a clear of view of where he stands at the sink. He wears boxer shorts and nothing else, and she can't help but stare for a moment, the sharp line of his muscles, his strong arms from working at the bakery all day.
Eight years with this man, not including two arenas and a rebellion (she still had trouble sorting out those messy years in her head), and he still made her heart race a little faster each time she looked at him.
He must have felt her stare on him, because he looks up and winked. She smiles shyly, embarrassed at being caught by him, and resumes turning down the bed. It had been a long day, and all she really wants is to fall asleep in Peeta's arms.
She turns off the light, trusting him to find his way in the dark. She rolls over to face the open window and tries not to think about what had happened that evening. When she hears him come into the room (he'd never learned to be quiet, even after all these years of going hunting with her weekly) she rolls back to face him.
"Hi," she says quietly as he slips in next to her. His body is hot against the cool sheets, and she leans into his warmth, seeking his comfort.
"Hi," he whispers back, pressing his forehead against hers after he'd wiped a lone tear away with his thumb.
They don't speak for a few minutes. They just listen to each other breathe and hear the wind whistle outside.
She scoots in closer to him and presses her face against his chest. He rests his chin on the top of her head. She can hear his heartbeat, the most comforting sound at the end of a long day
"I'm sorry this is so hard for you," he whispers.
"I'm sorry that I can't want it enough," she answers.
"Katniss, you know all I need is you. You're all I've ever wanted, and if it's you and me and Haymitch and those damn geese for neighbors for the rest of our lives – I'm happy. I've never been happier than I am right now."
She sighs. "I want to, Peeta. I want to give you a baby. I want to give you the children I know you've always wanted. And you can't deny it – I know you've thought about it for many, many years."
He nods. "You're right. I have thought about it. But I've also thought about how if we didn't have kids, I still would be ridiculously, blissfully, deliriously happy with you. Katniss, you are enough. You are more than enough. You can't forget that. "
"But I want to do this for you. I'm just…scared," she admitted. "Aren't you?"
He pauses. "Katniss, I know. I am too. I'm scared of having kids. But I'm also scared to wake up some mornings, because I might have an episode. But you're here, and you always keep me going. You are my motivating force. When you're here, I know I can face the day. And I think it will be absolutely terrifying if we have kids, because yes, we can't control everything that happens to them. There are so many unknowns, but that's life. Look how far we've made it," he whispered. "You were the face of a rebellion. I was taken by the Capitol. But we're here. We're still here, and we're surviving. We're so happy, Katniss. So happy. And I don't want you to forget that."
She nods. "I know. It's just… I want them, but more than wanting them, I have the fear. And when Delly told us she was pregnant, I just felt it all creeping back again. They're so happy – but what's to stop something bad happening to her baby? There's nothing she can do."
She pauses, takes a deep, shuddering breath.
"And I couldn't save Prim, so why would I trust myself with a baby? I'd just be terrified all the time that something would happen to it."
He nods "I know. I know, Katniss." He rubs her back gently, trying to calm her down. "I'm sorry. I knew once Delly mentioned it that it would be all you could think about, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry if you feel like I've been pushing you."
She interrupts him suddenly. "You haven't been though," she says forcefully. "You've been so good about it, Peeta. You're always so good to me. I adore you, Peeta. You have been nothing but good to me ever since you threw the bread to me in the rain, and I love you. And I do want kids. I want to see you be a dad, I want to see you teach our daughter how to bake raisin and nut bread, I want to teach our son to swim. It's just that, right now, the constant fear outweighs that desire. I want it. I know the fear will go away – it's just… when?"
He nods. It's a conversation they've had many times before. Katniss does want kids, and he has a feeling that soon enough she'll want them more than she's afraid of it. But he doesn't want to push her – they're young, they have plenty of time, and if he's honest, he might not even be ready to share her with anyone else at this point anyway. "Well, why don't we get some sleep, and you can promise to think about it. There's no sense in worrying about this any further, especially tonight."
She smiles faintly. "And, just because we haven't decided to have kids yet doesn't mean we can't practice for when we do decide to." He says in a sultry voice, changing the conversation from serious to sexy.
She laughs out loud. He winks. "Oh, I'd say we can use all the practice we can get."
He laughs, and leans in to kiss her.
Thanks as always for reading; I'd love to hear your thoughts!