Ron made a deal on the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Let's face it. There hasn't been enough of Ron this year and it's time to remedy that. And provide another example why Archer and Lana should look into better babysitters.
Ron Cadillac Presents Snow White
"Ron what the hell are you doing?" Mallory growled at her husband as she entered the living room.
"I'm doing brain surgery. What does it look like I'm doing?" Ron snapped as he fed AJ from a bottle.
"It looks like you're giving my granddaughter more reasons to go to Weight Watchers when she gets older!" Mallory growled.
"For crying out loud Mallory, she's a baby. She only can only do four things and eating is one of them," Ron said as he finished feeding AJ.
"Judging by her chubby thighs she's going to be doing a lot of eating," Mallory growled. "Have you ever heard of a diet?"
"Have you ever heard of genetics? Have you seen Lana?" Ron groaned. "If the kid is anything like her mother she's gonna shoot up like a beanstalk the second she hits puberty! Trust me, weight is going to be the least of this honey's problems when she gets older. Have you ever seen a fat basketball player?"
"I see the size of her hands and already they are starting to worry me," Mallory grumbled as she looked at AJ critically. "Why are you spending so much time with her? She's not even yours!"
"I like spending time with AJ," Ron said as he burped AJ. "For one thing she doesn't talk! Or criticize me every five seconds!"
AJ let out a loud burp. "Ooh! That was a good one," Ron grinned.
"Great. It's like having a conversation with Pam," Mallory groaned.
"Now Grand Pop Pop is gonna tell you a story before it's off to beddie bye with you," Ron told a giggling AJ.
"I could tell her some stories about her Grand Pop Pop when she gets older," Mallory grumbled.
"Okay honey let Ron Cadillac tell you the story of Snow White," Ron said to AJ as he sat down in a chair. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Snow White and she lived in a broken down spy agency with seven idiot spies."
"That's not how the story goes," Mallory grumbled.
"Well that's how it goes now!" Ron snapped. "Anyway Snow White ran the place with her seven friends. There was Sterling. Lana. Pamela the large but very willing and not as picky as Snow White…"
"Oh blow it out your ass!" Mallory snapped as she left the room.
"Then there was Crazy Glue O who changed her name every other week," Ron went on. "Science Weirdo, Cyril the whiny accountant. And Gay-O, who had more daddy issues than Debbie down at the car dealership."
"Seriously I don't spend a lot of time around Gay-O but from what I've heard that guy has a lot of problems and really should see a psychiatrist or something," Ron said to AJ. "Just saying. Now that I think about it, they all should see a squadron of psychiatrists."
"Anyway Snow White got into a beef with a wicked queen," Ron went on. "Not Gay-O. An actual wicked queen. See the queen was jealous of Snow White's beauty so she decided to put poison on an apple and when Snow White would eat it she would get sick and fall into a coma."
"Unfortunately for the evil queen, Snow White didn't eat the apple!" Ron said in an acid tone. "Because she didn't think the apple was good enough for her! Snow White was very picky and very judgmental!"
"So the evil queen put the poison in a big bottle of bourbon and Snow White drank it all down in one gulp!" Ron went on. "Because Snow White was an alcoholic bitch! And not half as bright as she thinks she is!"
"Just keep it up Ron!" Mallory warned from the other room. "I was smart enough to get a pre-nup!"
"So Snow White drank the poison and fell into a coma," Ron went on. "The agents put her in a glass coffin so they could make sure she was dead as they danced around having a coke and vodka rave party! With all the lights and the techno music that makes your ears hurt."
"Soon however along came Prince Charming who fell in love with Snow White the moment he laid eyes on her," Ron went on. "And he kissed her breaking the spell and then they got married! But they sure as hell didn't live happily ever after."
"I'll say they didn't!" Mallory shouted.
"See Snow White insisted on bringing her seven weird little friends to live with her and Prince Charming back at his castle," Ron went on. "And even worse Prince Charming ended up paying their bills! So Prince Charming had to work more even though he spent thirty years busting his hump so he wouldn't have to work at his age!"
"Then Prince Charming found out that Snow White wasn't really so snow white after all!" Ron snapped. "That she'd actually been sleeping around in every glass coffin in every castle all over the kingdom!"
"And Prince Charming turned out to be a huge crass slob which wasn't so charming after all!" Mallory yelled as she stormed back into the room.
"And then Prince Charming found out that there was never any evil queen in the first place!" Ron snapped back. "That it was actually a story she made up so she could trick the poor sap prince into marrying her and she could take his money!"
"And then the Prince Not So Charming kept harping on Snow White bringing up every little flaw from her past!" Mallory shouted.
"Which wasn't so difficult seeing that Snow White's past was pretty big!" Ron shouted back. AJ had a strange confused look on her face. "Oh did I mention that Sterling was her son who had a very weird strange relationship with?"
"There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my son!" Mallory shouted.
"I'm pretty sure that's what Norman Bates' mother said right before her son whacked her and started wearing her dresses!" Ron snapped.
"That's when Snow White realized she could do a lot better than the Prince!" Mallory growled. "Some prince! Sitting around all day smoking disgusting cigars stinking up her castle!"
"Her castle? That's rich!" Ron shouted. "Yeah a castle that is still technically in the Prince's name! Who still pays taxes on! Which is more than that mooch Snow White ever paid! In fact she still doesn't pay taxes!"
"Oh so now I'm a mooch am I?" Mallory snapped.
"Well what else do you call someone who spends all your money and gets you shot in a drug fueled shootout with the Yakuza?" Ron shot up, still holding AJ.
"I call that my employees on a Thursday," Mallory admitted. "Besides with all the disgusting things you make me do…!"
"What I make you do? That's a laugh! My back still hurts from that stupid trapeze thing you talked me into!" Ron shouted.
Then AJ began to cry. "Oh look what you did! You made her cry!" Mallory snapped as she took AJ away.
"I made her cry! Oh yeah you had nothing to do with that as usual!" Ron shouted. "Well this Prince has had it! And is going to the royal bar down the block to get some air! And maybe he'll call Pam or Crazy Glue-O! At least they're not judgmental sticks in the mud who know how to relax! Hell even Gay-O is looking pretty good right now!"
"Don't make threats your ass can't cover Ron!" Mallory snapped back. "Where are you going?"
"To get royally ripped!" Ron snapped as he stormed out of the building. "And maybe check out some other cute princesses! I hear Cinderella and Rapunzel are doing a show down at the Kit Kat Club!"
"Well don't just think you can ride off on your big white horse and come back reeking of scotch and covered in magic glitter at three O'clock in the morning!" Mallory yelled back.
"Oh go eat a poisoned apple!" Ron snapped as he left the apartment.
He passed Archer and Lana on his way in. "Ron? Where are you going?" Lana asked.
"To find out if Cinderella would prefer a sugar daddy instead of a fairy godmother!" Ron snapped.
"Two can play that game, Prince Charm-less!" Mallory shouted.
"Mother? What happened? Why is AJ crying?" Archer asked as they walked in.
"She's crying because she hasn't eaten in twenty minutes," Mallory handed AJ to him. "And she just realized that even if you kiss a toad and he turns into a prince, he's still a toad!"
"Now if you don't mind actually watching your own daughter for once," Mallory growled. "This princess is going to call a pumpkin coach and see if there's a ball open at this hour. Then she can land a real prince instead of the beast she married!" She stormed off into her room.
"Wow…" Lana blinked.
"Do I even want to know what happened?" Archer asked AJ as she cried. "Didn't think so."