Yaden Slimmons disliked an extensive list of things. He didn't like his job, he didn't like his disappointment AKA John AKA his son. There was a lot of shit that Yaden Slimmons hated, but he hated nothing more than baby fuckers.
When John was growing up, Yaden feared nothing more than the possibility of his little disappointment growing up to be a goddamned baby fucker. He was always cautious to hide the existence of babies from John, "better safe than sorry", Yaden always said. If John never saw a baby, how could he fuck one: One fateful day at work, Yaden realized that his genius precaution had some unforeseen consequences.
Yaden was the manager at the local McDonalds, where the local chief father disappointer was a lowly cashier. One day a woman with a newborn baby walked into the humble shop, carrying a small human, the likes of which John had never seen. "What the fuck is this baby back bullshit?" exclaimed a confused John! "That dude is small as fuck!". In his office, Yaden heard the commotion, and knowing what had to have transpired, he immediately leapt into action.
Yaden dashed out into the main work area on his barely functioning legs (Yaden couldn't run fast because of a soccer incident when he was 15), with a look of anger, fear, and raw Irish determination. His years and years of hiding the existence of babies had backfired, covering Yaden in a pile of metaphorical scat. His son had become exposed to something horrible; his John, was at risk of becoming a baby fucker! "Don't fuck that baby!" exclaimed Yaden with a great deal of an emotion somewhere between fear, and anger: fanger.
Yaden grabbed John's shirt collar with his left hand, and covered John's eyes with his right hand, pulling him away from the scene before further exposure was possible. The rest of the employees of the McDonalds were rather startled at the scene unfolding before their eyes, quite unprepared for their humble little shop to be turned upside down in quite a manner. Yaden put his son out in the car to think about two things, 1. Why his father would never love him, and 2. Why he should never ever fuck babies.
As Yaden returned to work, thinking about all the free McFlurries he'd have to give out to make up for that mess, he vowed the local father disappointing extraordinaire would never succeed in baby fucking. John would be confined to the car for all eternity, never allowed to go anywhere where he could possibly fuck a baby. He was to be fired, no benefits, full dishonor. Now that John knew babies exist, he had to be "[ut down" from society. On the way into McDonalds, he put up a 'now hiring' sign in the window.
Yaden stayed late that night, reviewing the applications for the newly opened cashier position. He opened one application, for one "Phillip J. J. Johnson" and a horrible stench flooded the room. Yaden Slimmon's baby fucker senses were tingling, and he knew what had to be done. H went out to the car, and got into the drivers seat, tossing the application into the passenger's seat, while ignoring the crying of John from the back seat. The application contained the address of a baby fucker, and it was time for bitches to die.
They stopped off t home to grab th e shotgun, nicknamed "the baby fucker fucker upper". Many moons ago, Yaden stopped into a gun shop where the manager was currently nursing a newborn baby, and Yaden told her that if she gave him a free shotgun, he would forever use it to keep her baby from getting nailed before his/her/their time. He had been saving the gun to use on a baby fucker, and tonight was that time. He finally arrived at the baby fucker's house, ready to take his life, just as Phillip J. J. Johnson had taken the virginity of that baby.
He rang the doorbell like a polite young man waiting to take his date to prom, except unlike a young teen boy, Yaden Slimmons did not have an erection. Mama J. Johnson opened the door with tears falling down her face "my son Phillip J. is one of those gosh darned baby fuckers". Yaden put his hand on her shoulder and whispered "I know, and I've come to put him down like a little bitch who likes month old vagina".
Yaden stepped past mama J. Johnson, grabbing a fresh cookie from the plate she offered him. He went up to Phillip J. J. Johnson's room and kicked down the door with a mighty South African war cry. Without a word, Phillip J. accepted his fate. He got down on his knees, spine straightened and upright. Yaden placed his shotgun against the bavk of Phillip J.'s head and recited the Shepherds Prayer from The Boondock Saints to the best of his memory. He pulled the trigger, effectively making Phillip J. J. Johnson, baby fucker, and aspiring McDonalds employee, his bottom bitch.