Note: The idea for this fic came about a year or two ago, but I had completely forgotten about it until literally this morning, so I finally wrote it. Inspired by my all time favourite song. It's a Japanese song, named Tegami, it literally translates into 'letter' and it's helped me through so much in my life. The official music video was removed, so all that's left is this one. The translations can be found here. I hope that it can bring you all as much joy as it has brought me.
Warnings: Mentions of Kurt in 2009 if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But you know me, it's fluff in the middle till end 3
Dear Future Kurt,
How are you? Is the future very different? I need to say some things, but I don't know who to turn to, so I figured that if it's my future self, you'll be able to understand, won't you?
It's 2009, and I'm 15 now, in my sophomore year at McKinley. My personal hell. Things aren't looking that great and it's mostly school and the bullies. I walk down the halls afraid; just waiting for one of them to suddenly appear and shove me into a locker, or snatch my books, or slushie me. No one want's to befriend me because they're scared that they'll become targets too and I'm stuck all alone. I'm so scared all the time and I'm just so sick of it. I'm so tired.
Dad's been asking me to join some clubs, to go out and make some new friends. He really wants me to join the football team. I don't dare tell him that most of the bullies are from there. But if it makes him happy, if it gives us something to talk about over dinner instead of that horrible silence most of the nights, I could try. For him.
The rift between us is getting larger. I can feel it; we're drifting further apart. I know most teens my age would be happy that their parents are 'letting go' but since Mom passed, Dad's all I have.
I can't lose him too.
Sometimes I just want to come out, to just say those words: "Dad, I'm gay." But I can't. Everytime I try, I stop myself, because what if everything changes? What if he stops loving me?
I try to sleep it off, to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day. Days pass and everything's still the same, nothing's changed one bit.
I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy anymore.
I just want it to end.
So, dear Kurt of the future, although it's not possible to travel back in time, please tell me that things get better.
Please tell me that everything is great in the future. Please tell me that I'm out because I am so sick of hiding, and please tell me that Dad still loves me regardless.
Please tell me that I'm not alone.
Sincerely,
Kurt Elizabeth Hummel
2009
"Hey, Kurt, it's already seven, where's dinner?" Burt asked gruffly, his footsteps falling heavily against the steps of the staircase.
Kurt hurriedly wiped the tears away, sliding the letter into an envelope. "I'm going to start it soon, Dad, give me a moment."
"What are you working on?" Burt asked, nodding towards the table.
"Nothing," He answered quietly, slotting the envelope between the pages of a notebook, "just getting some work done. I'll go start dinner now."
"Oh god, the heat is killing me." Blaine groaned, setting another box down in their living room.
"At least we can count this as a workout." Kurt sighed, wiping the sweat off his brow, "take a rest, honey, I'll clear the rest of the boxes from the cabinet."
Blaine hummed, walking towards Kurt and pressing a kiss to his lips, "you're" another kiss on his jaw "the" then on the side of his neck "best husband in the world."
"Mm, Blaine, we're not going to get this done if you don't stop." Kurt gasped, hands pushing lightly at Blaine's sweaty arms.
"We could always clear the room later, the crib is coming later tomorrow, and Rachel's not due till around 3 weeks." Blaine murmured, sucking a mark on the area where his shoulder and neck met, eliciting a moan from Kurt, "and you look so hot right now, all sweaty and shirtless. The things that I would do to you, Mr Anderson-Hummel."
"You can show me once I'm done clearing the cabinets. Until then," Kurt said resolutely, pushing a pouting Blaine back, "you can cool off first."
Blaine's groan could be heard as he walked back to the room soon-to-be-nursery, swaying his hips in a way that he knew Blaine couldn't resist.
They had bought the apartment with a spare room, and since Sam had turned down their offer to stay with them years ago, they turned it into a storage room of sorts. But now, they finally needed the spare room again, for the newest addition to their family.
When Rachel had volunteered to be their surrogate, they had been ecstatic, and when she announced that she was pregnant, they both broke into tears.
"We're going to have a baby, Kurt." Blaine was crying and laughing at the same time, "we're going to have a family."
"A baby, Blaine, a little boy or girl, we're going to be parents!" Kurt yelled, throwing his arms around his husband and hugging him tightly, "We're going to be fathers."
"Fathers." Blaine repeated, burrowing his head into Kurt's shoulder.
Kurt smiled at the memory, reaching up to grab the last box, setting it on the floor and opening it to see if anything inside was of any use. "Hey, honey?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you need any notebooks for work? I just found a whole box of them." Kurt asked, taking a stack of them out and flipping through them, "I forgot that I was a notebook hoarder back then. Most are still brand new."
He grabbed another notebook and when he flipped it open, an envelope fell out and onto his lap. Quirking a brow, he slowly got to work opening the sealed flap carefully, not wanting to tear it.
When he finally got the letter out and read the first few words, Kurt let out a soft gasp.
Dear Future Kurt…
"Oh God," Kurt breathed, hands clutching at the paper, crumpling it at the sides, "Oh dear God…"
"Baby, I know you told me to cool off and all, but if you keep saying things like that, I'll just go straight to our bedroom, with or without you." Blaine sauntered into the room, sipping on a glass of iced tea and giving his husband a pointed look.
When he saw the expression on Kurt's face though, his tone immediately changed. "Kurt? What's wrong?"
Kurt just shook his head. He then closed his eyes and took a breath, handing the letter wordlessly to Blaine. He swallowed, willing the tears that were threatening to surface to stay down.
Blaine took the letter, sitting down next to Kurt who immediately reached for his hand, holding it tightly.
As he read the letter silently, Kurt rest his head on his shoulder.
It had been a very dark time when he wrote that letter years ago. He remembered the feeling of hopelessness, how he felt like he was sinking deeper into a bottomless pit and he didn't know which way was up. The hurt and anger and… loneliness. The loneliness that clawed at his chest everyday.
"Kurt…"
He let out a shallow breath and he felt Blaine's hands cupping his cheeks, turning to face him.
"I remember writing this letter." He spoke softly, eyes not daring to look at his husband. "I remember how I felt. The darkness just enveloping me, the sense of dread and hopelessness that weighed down on me."
Blaine gathered him into a tight hug, the silence in the room only interrupted by the sounds of traffic down the street.
"I thought about ending my life." Another shallow breath when Blaine's body stilled. "Back then I really thought for sure that no one would notice, let alone care."
"But I pushed through, then a few days later glee started up, and things started to get better. I had friends. I still got slushied and shoved, but we banded together. I wasn't alone anymore." A stray tear fell and a shudder rippled through Kurt, "a year later, I met you."
"I wasn't lying when I said that you helped me rip away anything that was blocking the sun." Kurt whispered, finally looking into Blaine's misty eyes and resting their foreheads together. "You saved me, Blaine."
"No," Blaine shook his head, "You saved yourself. The courage and bravery that you must have had back then, to get up every single day to face the bullies and the hate. I… I can't even form words right now, but Kurt, you've come so far. You've come so far since then."
"It did get better, it really did, and I am so grateful," Kurt laughed, wiping his tears away, "and now the both of us get to inspire and help other LGBT youths with their problems."
"You forgot," Blaine added, thumb stroking softly against his cheek, "we're about to check off the newest milestone. We're going to be parents. We get to bring a little child into the world, to help him or her explore, learn and grow."
"Blaine…" Kurt let out another watery laugh, snuggling back into his embrace, "I love you so much."
He pressed a hard kiss on his temple, "I love you too, Kurt, so much. Now come on, I think that there's something you have to do."
Together they stood up, wobbling and stumbling a little when they realised that they had been sitting for quite some time and both legs were numb.
"Come on." Kurt smiled, taking the letter from Blaine's hands as they hobbled back into the living room, near the large box that was labelled 'unwanted'.
After slotting it back into the envelope, Kurt carefully placed it in the box and closed the flaps. "Those dark days are over. It's time to look forward now."
"Why don't we go sweep the floor? So that it'll be less dusty when the crib comes?" Blaine asked, tugging on his hand.
"Okay, love."
And they walked hand in hand back into their soon-to-be nursery, a new chapter of their life awaiting.
Dear 15 year old Kurt,
I'm sorry, they still haven't invented time travel yet, so I can't really send this back to you. I just wanted to say thank you for your letter, and I have something really important to tell you.
I know that everything is tough and you feel that life is bleak now, but hang in there and believe in yourself. It may not seem like it now, but everything will be fine in the end.
Even as a successful adult now, there still are times when things go awry, but it's okay, because that's life. Sometimes it's unfair and kicks you down to the ground, but remember, the pain is a reminder that you're alive and kicking.
Treasure it.
There's a meaning to everything, so trust yourself and chase your dreams fearlessly.
Deep breaths. It gets better.
You join glee club, things with Dad will sort out, and in about a year you're going to meet your wonderful husband-to-be.
I have to go now, the doctor is asking Blaine and I to go in to see the newest addition to our family.
Yes, you have a family of your own now.
Yours Truly,
Kurt Elizabeth Anderson-Hummel
2020