No. NO.

Oh GODS NO.

Every inch of my body screams. This can't be happening.

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.

I would have died a million deaths for you. My Doctor.

My everything.

How in all the galaxies am I supposed to live without you?

I can't think. I can't breathe.

Instincts kick in. I choke back the agony, I brush the hair out of my eyes. Woodenly, I push away from the blank wall that isn't a wall, it's a barrier between you and me, forever.

OH GODS I CAN'T BREATHE.

They lead me into a car, maybe it's a zeppelin, I don't know. I don't care. It carries me away.

They talk, so much jabber, just noise. They're worried. I don't blame them. I'm so dead, I would be worried about me too.

I still can't breathe.

We arrive at Dad- uhm, Peter's. It's palatial. There is a part of me that gapes, that drinks in the splendor, awestruck. It would be impressive to anyone who hadn't glimpsed the edges of the universe.

Mickey. He's in my face, talking, pleading. Frightened. Why? Oh yes, it's probably because I'm death warmed over. He takes my cold hand and leads me up a flight of stairs. Two. Or is it three? I can't count. It's all so stupid.

I don't know what happens next, but I sink into something soft and inviting. A bed, it seems. Are all beds this comforting?

I sink. I don't breathe.

And just like that, I'm asleep.

Planets move. I can feel them. There's an echo in my head that shows me the turn of the universe. I am the storm at the heart of the sun.

And I'm so cold.

Where is he?

….oh yes. He's gone.

Sun rises and sets and none of it matters. Because he's gone.

Rose…..

I jerk awake. Every fiber of my being vibrates with something….what is it? I used to drink it in like sunlight….OH YES. Hope. That's its name.

Hope.

But wait, I can't….

ROSE

I'M AWAKE. I'm so awake, I can feel the blood throbbing in my veins, the air rasping my lungs. I throw off the blankets, stagger to my feet. I don't know where I'm going, but I can hear him and I stumble in the direction of warmth.

I don't know how long I sit there, in front of the fire, in some room that looks like a library, but when I blink I can see them, my family. Mum. Mickey. Da- Peter. (I must remember to call him that.) They're watching me. Waiting. They don't judge, despite the naked fear they wear like a blanket.

They're waiting, waiting for me to say something. How can I speak when I can't breathe?

...Rose...

Words tumble out of me. "I had a dream…."

The rest is a blur. Things get packed, loaded into a vehicle. I think I get changed, but I don't remember what I was wearing before, so it doesn't really matter what I'm wearing now.

We drive.

I can feel Mickey's eyes on me, burning my skin. I ignore it. I'm busy burning up the road with my desperation, my need. And I STILL CAN'T BREATHE.

Ocean. Water. Beach. I'm here. I'm waiting. I NEED-

ROSE.

I turn.

And there he is.

And I take a deep breath in.

He looks tired. SO tired. Wrought. Is he suffering like me? There was a time, a horrible night on a street corner, where I told him he would walk away and forget me one day. And he said that would never happen, not with me, and my heart believed him.

But here we are, and there he stands and he's torn to bits, and my ragged soul dares to hope that he hurts as much as I do.

He's so thin. Transparent.

"Where are you?" Well, brilliant, that's the dumbest thing I could ask. He's not here, with me. What does it matter otherwise?

He answers, his voice music to my ears. "Inside the T.A.R.D.I.S."

Of course he is. He's there and I'm not.

I can't breathe again. He notices, rambles on, filling the silence.

"There one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close."

My heart shuts down.

He sees, and still he keeps talking. "And it takes a lot of power to send this projection." The desperation is raw in his voice, his eyes beg for forgiveness. ""I'm in orbit around a supernova." He pauses, the silence screaming his broken heart.

"I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye."

…The Doctor hates goodbyes…..

I can't think about anything but how empty he looks.

"You look like a ghost." The words fall out of me, against my will.

He deliberately misunderstands. "Hold on." He fiddles with his sonic screwdriver. The image of him gains depth, color.

His eyes are still hollow.

I can't help it, I move closer. "Can I?" My hand comes up of its own accord.

He doesn't even move away, he just drops words like bits of lead. "I'm still just an image. No touch."

I can't help it, it hurts so much. I hate the words even as they leave me. "Can't you come through properly?"

"The whole thing would fracture." Those are the words he says. His eyes say "It would be worth it, if it would actually work." He tries to explain away the pain. "Two universes would collapse."

I say what we both feel. "So?"

He barks a laugh, the sound fit to rend a soul.

I can't breathe, not anymore.

He deflects. "Where are we, where did the gap come out?"

"We're in Norway." That's easier to say than "I can't begin to live without you."

"Norway, right." He doesn't look at me. He can't, and I understand why.

I help him out. "About 50 miles outside of Bergen. It's called Darlig ulv Stranden."

His face lights up with alarm. "Dalek?"

I choke out a laugh. "Dar-LIG. It's Norweigen for 'bad." He looks confused. "This translates as 'Bad Wolf Bay'," I laugh again. It hurts. Oh gods, it hurts so much.

For one, split second we share the Moment, as if nothing was wrong. Everything as normal.

It passes. Steel bands wrap around my chest and squeeze. "How long have we got?" I gasp.

His eyes are endless pools of misery. "About two minutes."

I can't process that, I can't think, I can't breathe. "I can't think of what to say."

He says something about Mickey. I tell him about the newest family member. He looks young, for once.

"You're not…?"

I break his heart, and save it at the same time, with a weak laugh. "NO. It's mum. She's three months gone. More Tylers on the way."

He asks after me. Finally. As if anything I say could fix things. We banter, I tell him about Torchwood, at least the one here. I can't tell if he's disappointed or not.

He's too busy looking devastated. "Rose Tyler, defender of the earth." He's proud and broken all at once.

He tells me I'm dead. As if I needed the official notice.

"Here you are, living the life. Day after day. The one adventure I can never have."

I'm losing it. The one adventure that means nothing without you….

I gasp, hard, painfully, and choke out the last words I ever wanted to say. "Am I ever going to see you again?"

He says the last words I ever wanted to hear. "You can't."

My vision blurs. He's going to be alone, forever. And it's my fault.

This is stupid, it's SO stupid he doesn't care, it doesn't change anything there is no bloody reason to say it out loud

"I love you."

He flinches, in the way that tells me everything I need to know. And still, after all this, he's a right prat. "Quite right too."

I laugh, because it's horrible and perfect and it's splitting my heart into pieces. And then he says something else, when I didn't need him to say anything more.

"And I suppose…if it's my last chance to say it…"

My heart stops. All of time and space holds still.

"Rose Tyler….."

And he's gone.

It's all dust and ash after that. I don't remember the ride home, even though I'm sure it took hours and hours. I don't remember eating, or talking. I can't remember breathing, but I must have because I'm still alive.

I just sleep as if I have a thousand lifetimes to catch up on.