AN: Angst-ish. …there may be some triggering things in here (brief mentions of them), if your triggers involve self-harm please read with caution. This may have been done before, but I'm hoping this is a different take. Also, can someone please tell me if I'm changing POVs? I do that and don't realize sometimes. If you can't tell – awesome, but if you can – I'd love some feedback.
(Have I mentioned I'm not very good at writing angst?)
Looking in the mirror, Dani shakes her head with a frown marring her face.
It doesn't happen often, maybe once a week or so, and she can usually shake herself out of it without too much hassle. Today though, something is different. She can't figure out what exactly is different, but it's throwing everything off.
She's been working at the diner for about six months now. She's been dating Santana for about the same amount of time. She's been happier in these past six months than…ever before. These thoughts have been creeping up less and less lately. Maybe that's why it's so bad this time?
That's when it all clicks. A tall thin natural blonde came into the diner last night during their shift and kept flirting with Santana. Santana didn't flirt back or anything, but…it's still hard for Dani to figure out why Santana is with her when she could have anyone. Better.
She continues getting ready for work knowing there's nothing she can do about her mood or attitude right now. She rubs her wrists over the tattoos covering her scars, reminding herself she's not that person anymore. She's better. She has better ways to cope, to let go, to feel. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep, slow breaths to try to focus.
Santana is already working when she arrives. She puts her purse away and grabs her apron taking in the diner. There aren't too many people yet, but it's going to get busy soon. She gets right to work, hoping the mind numbing work will actually live up to its name today and numb her mind.
She fakes a smile, takes orders, gets drinks, gets food, clears and wipes down tables, cleans up the spills, and sings. Today though, she's just going through the motions and not really concentrating as much as usual. She doesn't joke around with Santana or Rachel or Kurt. She sings, but the spark isn't in her eye. Her smiles don't meet her eyes.
She can tell that Santana is worried, but she can't do much about that while they're working. After work, she knows Santana is going to ask her about it but Dani doesn't know what she can say. She's been able to hide these feelings for six months; she was hoping it would never come up. She knows that's not realistic, but she doesn't like talking about these things. She never has the right words, enough words.
Dani looks at the clock and sees that her shift is almost over. Where did today go? Whenever you want time to move faster it goes slower, but when you want it to move slower it speeds up. Apparently, she just can't win today. The universe is ganging up on her to make everything against her.
She sees Santana head over to her and looks at the clock once more, and her shift is over. Seriously? There was an hour to go when I looked at the clock a minute ago.
"Ready to go?" Santana asks softly, waiting to ask the more pressing questions for the privacy of Dani's apartment.
Dani just nods before heading to the back to retrieve her purse and then following Santana out of the diner. Santana waits for Dani to catch up before wrapping her arm around the shorter girl's shoulder and leading them down the street to Dani's apartment.
They make the brief walk to Dani's in silence. It's neither awkward nor companionable. It just…is. It's contemplative. Santana is trying to figure out what's going on and how to ask while Dani is trying to figure how to tell Santana what's going on in her head.
By the time they are in Dani's apartment neither have anything figured out, but know now is the time to start talking.
"Baby?" Santana starts getting Dani's attention. "What's wrong? You've been…off all day." She asks gently.
Dani shakes her head. "It's…nothing." She tries.
Santana just raises her eyebrows at the blatant lie.
Dani ducks her head, chin to her chest, eyes on the floor. "I…" She shakes her head. "It…" She stops again. "It…it's hard for me to explain." She says lamely.
"Hey." Santana says guiding Dani's chin up with one hand, the other going around her waist. "It's just me. There's nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of." She tells her empathetically.
"I know. I know. It's...just…" Dani raises her wrists in explanation.
Santana looks at her girlfriend's wrists questioningly. She knows about the cutting, the scars, the reason behind the tattoos. What she doesn't know is what's bothering Dani about all of that right now.
"O-kay." Santana says slowly. "You told me about those. What didn't you tell me?" She asks with no judgment or accusing tone, just trying to figure out what has her girlfriend in such a state.
Dani, eyes closed, takes a deep breath before looking her girlfriend in the eye. "Every once in awhile, I just…" She pauses trying to get the words right. "I get really insecure and…" She shakes her head. "These past six months have been…the best I've had in a long time." She continues. "My insecurities get the best of me sometimes and I can usually shake it off, but…" She shrugs looking at Santana. "I think it's been building, maybe? I haven't felt this way for a while, longer than usual." She tilts her head. "I just…do you remember the blonde from last night? She kept flirting with you, ignoring me, and I know you didn't encourage her or anything. I just…I wonder sometimes." Dani looks away briefly.
"Wonder what baby?" Santana asks. She wanted to let Dani just keep talking, knowing that whatever it is will come out, but she had to ask.
"Why you're with me." Dani says so softly that she's sure Santana didn't hear her, but she couldn't bring herself to say it any louder. She doesn't want Santana to see her this way – even though it's happening, but she's going to fight this every step of the way.
Santana takes a deep breath, tightens her grip around Dani's waist, and brings Dani's eyes to hers once again. "Okay. I know you didn't just question why I'm with you." Santana starts. "Do you remember the first day we met? I was a bumbling fool, claiming that too much eyeliner makes you a lesbian, and stuttering all over myself." She says making sure her point is getting through. "You were the self-assured, out and proud one hundred percent Sapphic goddess." She laughs. "I don't know why the girl from last night kept hitting on me and flirting with me, but to be honest I don't really remember anything about her." She shrugs. "Before you said she was blonde, I didn't even remember that. The only girl I want hitting on me, flirting with me, kissing me, cuddling me, is standing right here in front of me in my arms." She tightens her arms around Dani to prove her point.
Santana takes a deep breath. "This isn't how I wanted this to happen, but…" She shrugs taking another deep breath. "I love you Dani. I'm in love with you." She says staring straight into the shorter girl's eyes.
Dani's breathing falters for a minute. "Wha-buh…" She shakes her head still staring into Santana's eyes. She sees the taller girl is telling the truth and a smile, the first true smile of the day, begins to form on her face. "I love you too Santana. I'm in love with you too." She says breathily leaning in and capturing the darker girl's lips with her own, promising their love.