All I've Ever Wanted, a fullmetal alchemist fanfic

Hey y'all! This one's actually been on my mind for quite a while, and (after reading a lot of sad deathfics lately :P ) I've finally gotten around to writing it! I was originally supposed to be a songfic, to the song Back to California by Sugarcult, but after I wrote it and read through it I decided against putting the song in. It's not that it doesn't fit anymore, cause it still does, I just think it'd lose some of the effect if I broke up the story to put the lyrics in. So instead I'll probably just stick the song lyrics at the end, so you see my thought process. haha.

This is definitely the most angsty thing I've ever written... It contains mention of major character death (happened before the story takes place, you know how it is), attempted suicide, maaaajor angst (seriously, if you don't like angst, leave. Now. haha), and a bit of EdWin friendship at the end. It's quite sad, but it didn't make me cry exactly, so it's not too bad. I really like it though, but I like everything I write, otherwise I wouldn't write it! Right? haha.

Anyway, enjoy!

It was growing dark. Dim, ominous shadows had begun to stretch across the quiet graveyard, and an icy cold was settling low in the atmosphere, chilling the evening air. But I didn't care. This cold was nothing, when compared to the biting numbness spreading without relent through my stiff body, as I stared empty-eyed at the gruesomely frightening sight of the still, stone grave before me. Everyone else had gone, gone back home to their nice warm houses. But I had stayed. I had no home to return to, after all. My shelter, my final haven, had died with him. So for hours, I had stayed. Alone. I bit back a bitter smirk of irony as I was unpleasantly reminded of that fateful day almost seven years ago, when I'd stood in this very same graveyard, silently watching a different tomb until late into the night. But this time was different. Then, I hadn't been alone. He'd been there. We were alone together. But now, I was alone by myself. And I hated it.

I hated the terrible fact that he wasn't there beside me. I hated the sickening sight of the grave in front of me. I hated the way I'd been unable to save him, the way I'd let him do what I knew would end in disaster. I hated his recklessness, and my own weakness. He had never been the reckless one before. He was always so level-headed, the one who kept me from doing stupid things. So why had he done it?

"No, Al!" My voice still rang unwanted in my mind, echoing the words I'd said many hours ago. "You know what could happen. I told you I'll find a way!"

I'd told him not to. I'd yelled at him, screamed at him. Told him it was too soon. The risk was too high. Human transmutation wasn't the answer, we knew that firsthand. So why?

"But I have a chance! It's so close, I can feel it! I have to do this!"

Why hadn't he listened? I'm the older brother, dammit! He's supposed to do what I say! But he couldn't. He knew his body was there, waiting. He'd said if he could just get to the Gate… But he was wrong. I'd told him not to go. But he wouldn't listen. He'd told me to trust him, but I couldn't listen. I'd reached for him, but he was already gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" The horrifying sound of his scream still resonated in my head. I couldn't see him, but for some reason I could hear him. His voice in my ears… A bright flash of light… His body returned, his real body, but with no soul attached. They'd taken it. All that had come back was a hollow, lifeless shell, wide eyes staring at me, boring through me, as if cursing me for allowing it to happen. Equivalent exchange? Yeah, right.

The final remaining sliver of sunlight had finally disappeared beneath the distant horizon, taking with it the last remnants of comforting warmth from the air and leaving a cold feeling of malice hanging loosely above the cemetery. My breath came out in visible puffs of heat against the cool, night air, as I continued to stare at the name on the gravestone, as if hoping it would change or disappear. But I wasn't stupid. I'd seen enough death in my life to understand that when someone was gone, they weren't coming back. But that didn't help to lessen the agonizing pain I was feeling.

I don't know how long I'd stayed there… A few more hours, at least. But eventually I had to leave. Winry had told me that evening before leaving my side that she'd be expecting me back at her house, and that if I wasn't there by morning she'd come find me and drag me back. I assumed she'd been trying to make me smile, or at least soften my expression a little. I'd appreciated the effort, really, though I couldn't give her what she wanted. Either way I'd told her I'd be there, and I would.

When I opened the door I was only a little surprised to see Winry and Pinako both still awake, sitting in the dark living room with tired eyes red from tears. They both stood up suddenly as I entered the house, looks of sadness and pity on their faces.

"Edward…" Winry choked out my name through the last remnant of a sob, a lonely tear falling from her chin.

The corner of my mouth twitched in what was almost a sad smile, as I shook my head so slightly I wasn't sure if they could see it through the darkness. But they sat back down and watched in silence as I made my way slowly up the stairs.

Earlier, they had found it strange that I was the only one at the funeral who was unable to cry. I don't know why myself. Maybe the reality of his death still hasn't hit me yet. I'd hardly spoken in the past day, since it happened, but for some reason I couldn't cry. All I could do was stare blankly at something, some far-off notion that no one around me could see. Maybe I was searching for him, out there somewhere where I couldn't see him. Maybe I was waiting to see if he'd come back, if what I thought had happened had actually been some strange fluke or joke. But as I closed the bedroom door behind me and took a few heavy steps across the shadowy, carpeted floor, a fresh wave of biting loneliness swept over me, and I knew that was only the most wishful of thinking.

We used to share this room, I remember, just after our mother died. A thin shaft of pale, ominous moonlight was streaming in from the window, falling across the bed which he'd always slept on. It illuminated the wrinkled sheets, the old, lumpy pillow, making them shine with a fierce, angry glow. A low rumble of wind whipped by the windowpane, sounding to me like evil laughter, the light like a cold glare, the shadows like cruel smirks. I felt as though the elements were mocking me, punishing me for committing an irreversible sin. My breath was growing ragged. My throat was clenching in rage. My eyed narrowed with malice. An uncontrollable anger was taking over me, making every inch of my body burn as if being licked and bitten by the fires of Hell.

Suddenly I shoved my shaking hands over my ears, threw back my aching head, and let out an agonizing scream the likes of which I'd never heard before, especially from my own lips. I fell to my knees, curling my trembling fingers—both warm skin and cold metal—into tight fists and slamming them with all my might into the carpet, a dull thud resounding in effect. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen? What did he do to deserve this? He wasn't like me. He didn't hate, didn't shout, didn't curse, didn't talk down to anyone. He was good. Always good. All he wanted was to live, to be normal. So why? Why was it that the one thing he wanted, he couldn't have? Why, in the end, was it taken, ripped away from him when he was so close? Why, God, why, in the end,was he taken, ripped away… from me?

As much as I willed it to, the anger wouldn't subside. Instead it began to mix with other sickening feelings such as pain, sorrow, guilt, and loneliness. I wanted to cry. I did. More than anything. But I couldn't. And it made me so angry. Angry at whatever God would do this to us, angry at him for disobeying me, angry at myself for being so weak and letting it happen. My brother was all I had. For years he'd been my home, my shelter, my rock. He was always the only force that kept me sane, kept me fighting and living. But now, he'd been taken from me. Now, I couldn't find the will to do those things on my own anymore. I could already feel my sanity ebbing away with each passing second, stealing away with it the last remnants of my will to live.

My mind was numb and blank as I clapped my hands together as I had so many times before, using the resulting power to extend the metal on my right arm into an all-familiar, shining blade, the loud, crackling electricity laughing at my shaking expression. I glanced at my reflection in the smooth, metallic surface, almost not recognizing the face staring back at me, a face twisted with pain and rage, before lifting my arm and pressing the sharp tip of the blade beneath my chin, the cool metal sending chills across the skin on my neck. My breathing was growing more and more uneven as my body shook beneath the cascade of painful emotions digging hard to my core. I wanted to end it. I didn't want to feel this way. How could I be expected to live without him, when he was my whole reason for living, when I would have died for him in a heartbeat?

I set my jaw, trying in vain to steady my breath and my shaking hand. I wasn't afraid. Of living, maybe, but not of dying. My head throbbed painfully, and I couldn't take it anymore. I held my breath, before letting out a fierce growl and, with all the strength I had, pressed the icy edge of the blade hard against my skin. A piercing pain instantly shot through my veins, as if my body were telling me to stop. But it was short-lived.

That same instant, the door a few feet to my right was slammed open with full force, making me jump a mile in surprise. I jerked my head violently to the side, causing the sharp metal to slice across the side of my neck and a cry of pain to escape my lips.

"YOU IDIOT!" came a furious screech from the doorway. I looked to see Winry storming in, a look of pure rage on her face. There were tears in her eyes, I noticed, and beneath the anger I saw a twinge of fear. I flinched as she reached me, expecting her to whack me hard across the head. Instead, she did what I hadn't been expecting in the least—she knelt down in front of me and threw her arms around my neck, wrapping me in a tight, desperate embrace.

"I heard your alchemy from downstairs," she explained, her voice now so quiet I wouldn't have heard it if her mouth hadn't been right next to my ear. "I didn't want to believe it… That you would... I couldn't let you…" Her whispering voice kept trailing off, as though she couldn't say what she was thinking. But I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking what I'd been thinking. She knew what I'd been planning to do. And she knew what I knew: if she'd have been a second later, it would've been too late.

For a while I didn't move. I stayed frozen to the spot, my eyes retaining that blank stare, my mouth quivering in silent words, ragged breaths escaping my throat. The cut beneath my chin still stung, but I didn't care. I welcomed the pain. It lessened the feeling of numbness that refused to release hold on my body. I could feel a thin stream of blood trickling down my neck, soaking the collar of my shirt.

Then, all of a sudden, the previous anger subsided. All the fury and rage I'd felt were rapidly disappearing, leaving behind only pain and sadness. A pain and sadness so great that it cut my heart in two, spreading fresh agony through my being. And finally, for the first time in a long time, overwhelmed with these intense feelings of loss, I cried.

At first it was just slow, silent tears, filling my eyes and leaking from my lashes, before streaming down my face and mixing with the blood on my shoulder. But before long it had progressed to deep, agonizing sobs that wracked my body, causing my shoulders to shake uncontrollably and my dry, tired eyes to sting at the welcome of fresh moisture. Winry only held me tighter as I cried into her shoulder, showing her a weak, vulnerable side of myself that no one—not even my brother—was ever allowed to see. She squeezed my shoulders tightly, digging her fingers into my skin. The twinge of pain was comforting, letting me know she was there. She was real. And she wasn't going anywhere.

"It should've… been me…" I choked out between sobs, shaking my head and clenching my eyes shut. "He didn't… deserve this… They should've taken me instead…" He was always the good one, everyone knew that. If one of us deserved what had happened to him, it was me. Not him. Not him…

"Stop being so selfish," Winry reprimanded in a sharp tone. Her voice was shaky, and I could tell she'd been crying as well. She released me from her grip, sitting back to look me in the eye. Her face told me she was still angry with me, though I guess I couldn't blame her. "What if it had been you? What if Al had been the one left behind? How do you think he'd feel?"

I glanced at her, my eyebrows creasing in a frown. But I didn't know what to say.

"He'd feel the same, wouldn't he?" Her gaze softened a bit before she spoke again. "Would you want him to do what you just tried to do?"

I flinched visibly at the accusation, glancing down guiltily at the blood on the edge of the blade still protruding from my right arm. "You know I—"

"Because I don't think… that Al would want that for you either."

I looked back into her eyes, eyes which now shone with only sadness, all anger having gone. Looking at those eyes, and hearing her words, a fresh feeling of guilt filled my body. She was right. If our roles had been reversed, I would be furious with my brother for even considering giving up on living, like I had done. "So… what should I do…?" I asked quietly. I didn't know if she would or could answer it, but it was the only question I needed resolved at that moment.

"I don't know…" she replied after a few seconds of silence. Then she looked at me again with serious eyes. "What… would you want for him to do? If you had…"

She didn't have to finish. I knew that she was continuing our hypothetical scenario in which I'd been the one that had gone and he were still here. I thought for a long moment, trying to decide what this question meant, and if it were really true, what would I really want for him.

"…To live," I answered finally, speaking slowly and carefully. "I would want… for him to live, for as long as he could."

Winry watched me with a tentative gaze, some of the sadness behind her eyes fading, and a small light returning. "Then that's what you should do." She paused a moment, looking down. "You love him, don't you?"

I glanced up at her, my eyes boring into hers, though I didn't reply. I didn't need to.

"Then you should want him to be happy, wherever he is."

I thought about this for a moment, realizing that all I had ever really wanted was for him to be happy. So why should that change now? "You're right…" I admitted in a whisper, before allowing a small smile to creep across my lips. "You're always right. Sometimes I think you know us better than we know ourselves."

Winry smiled back, letting out a small laugh. "I've known you guys for a long time. And whether you believe it or not…" Her smile faded and she looked serious again, catching my gaze and locking her eyes with mine. "I care about you. H-How do you think I would've felt…" her shoulders began to shake again as fresh sobs suddenly threatened to escape from her throat, breaking her voice as she spoke, "if you'd…"

My eyes had widened a bit as her tears began to fall, and I instantly began to feel guilty once again. I hadn't thought about how she would be affected, losing both of us in one day. "I'm sorry…" I apologized hastily, shaking my head. "I didn't—"

"I know," she cut me off, a small smile returning to her face. "I know you, remember?" A distant look spread through her eyes, as if she were calling to mind a fond memory. "You're always only thinking of Al."

This wasn't meant to make me feel worse, but somehow it did. It just made me feel even more as though I had neglected her feelings, and that wasn't something I was too keen on doing. To anyone. "Hey, I-I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Winry interrupted again, shaking her head and smiling through her tears. "He meant the world to you, I know." I lowered my gaze as her smile faded. I felt her hand touch mine, and looked back to see a look of sadness and understanding in her gentle, shining eyes. It almost made me feel better, seeing her there, looking at me not with pity, but with acceptance, understanding, love. When she spoke again, her voice was no more than a whisper. "I miss him, too."

Without another word she drew forward and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me into a warm, comforting hug. This time, however, I returned the embrace, squeezing my eyes shut and draping my still-shaking arms tightly around her waist.

I had thought that the last of my family had died the previous night with my little brother. But I was wrong. Winry was every bit as close to me as any family could be. Pinako, too. Hell, maybe even Mustang and his crew. I may have been lonely, but I wasn't alone. So I made a promise that night, sitting on the floor of our old bedroom. A promise to him, that I would live, to the best of my ability. It's all I would want for him, and I'm sure it's all he would want for me.

That way, I know that somewhere, he's happy. And for me, that's all I've ever really wanted.

~The End~

--"Back to California" lyrics--

How long I'll wait just to say goodbye
Ten different ways to enjoy this night
Can't do this anymore, won't feel you anymore
How long I'll wait just to say goodbye

You could never let me in
Holding on until the end

The time I'll waste just to say goodbye
Out of your way, I could do this right
Can't see you anymore, won't feel you anymore
How long I'll stay just to say goodbye
Say goodbye

Leave it all, the fights and all
Summer's getting colder
Drive all night to hold you tight
Back to California
Days went by, we waited and I
Guess we're getting older
We couldn't win in the end
You're gone

I'm miles away, turning out your lights
Ten different ways I could end this night
Can't do this anymore, won't feel you anymore
How long I'll wait just to say goodbye
Say goodbye

You're gone...

--Sugarcult

Well that's that! I wasn't sure how to end it, so I decided not to make the ending drag out and just kind of threw a paragraph together to finish it up. Hopefully it didn't totally ruin the effect... But oh well. It was the best I could do, right? Also, hopefully you agree with my decision to leave the song lyrics out. They did provide the idea for this, which is why I at least had to include them at the end there (just like read them and go through the main story points in your mind. It fits really well, doesn't it? haha).

I have another idea for a good one-shot, but I'm struggling with exactly how to execute it, so I'm not sure when it'll be up. Especially considering I haven't decided if I wanna set it to FMA or Naruto, cause I have scenarios for both that fit... haha. Well in case I decide soon, keep an eye out, kay?

See ya next time!

--oMM