Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Period.
This is set around season three, basically the same time JJ found out she was pregnant with Henry.
"Don't wait. The time will never be just right."
- Napoleon Hill -
No one could have ever guessed how much her heart ached as she stood outside her boss' office, looking at the people she had come to know as her second family.
There was Penelope Garcia, her first best friend she had since she left high school. Garcia had grown on her since her first day here. It hadn't been long before she was more of a sister, a substitute of some kind for the one that was taken away.
Derek Morgan was similar to her older brother. Each one was a protector. While she was home with her parents and her older brother, he watched her every step as he did when she was younger, even though he had two daughters and a son. When she was home in D.C., Morgan was sure to watch over her as well as everyone else.
Emily Prentiss had to be an aunt. Of course, she was the fun aunt who was very helpful in emotional draining situations. A guardian who always had the answers. There were so many memories they had in a span of two years.
Aaron Hotchner could not be compared to any figure in a family. He was nothing like an uncle, father, nor a brother to her. They held a secret relationship, as she was positive she was his most trusted teammate. He was wise, trustful, caring, and very hidden. He was a mixture of a father and a brother. No one would have known by the looks of it, but they were very close.
David Rossi was the man who had brought them all together, by starting the unit in the very beginning. He had also pushed her to join the bureau, even if he hadn't known it. For that, she was eternally grateful.
As she stared down at Spencer Reid, she knew he could have been more than anyone else. When she first joined, he was just a coworker. He quickly changed into a friend, then a love interest. It wasn't long until even that evolved into something more. That was the reason why she had to leave.
JJ turned to knock on Hotch's door. His deep voice called from within, telling her she was welcome to come in. It took all her courage to step into that room. She had to keep telling herself that it was the best option, and that the best option never had to be easy.
Hotch was leaned over his desk, scribbling on paper in his legendary scrawl. Her throat ached when she realized this could be the last time she would ever see him this way. She closed the door behind her and went to stand in front of him, arms wrapped around her stomach.
He glanced up at her with his deep eyes. "Yes, JJ?" he asked nonchalantly, like it was any other day.
Tears burned the insides of her eyes, causing her heart to ache even more. If saying this to Hotch was hard, she couldn't imagine what lying to Reid was going to be like. "I have to," she paused, trying to find the words. "Hotch, I have to leave."
"If you feel sick, JJ, you're welcome to go home," he told her, giving her a glance before continuing with his paperwork.
She almost laughed a dark laugh. "No. I mean leave the bureau, leave Quantico."
Dropping his pen, he lifted his head all the way. Confusion was plain to see on his face. "What?" he asked, "Why?"
This was the part that made her cheeks burn and her arms to wrap tighter around her stomach. It wasn't that she was truly ashamed; she was just afraid what he would think of her. She fell into a chair. Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "I'm going. . . I'm pregnant."
She was sure that she had seen him smile many times before, but not like he was at the moment. "JJ!" he exclaimed. "That's great news!" Of course, he was smart, not forgetting the reason she was in here. The smile was wiped from his face. "But I don't see why you have to leave."
Sinking into the chair closest to her, she whispered again, "He can't know."
"Who can't?"
She chuckled without humor. "We're not ready. Too young, really, I'm twenty-eight, he's twenty-seven. I don't have a choice, but I can give him a choice. I have to leave to give him a life."
He glared at her, making her shrink into her chair. There was a part of her that didn't want him to know who she was talking about, but the other part did so she didn't have to say his name.
Standing up, his gaze softened. "I can't make you stay, JJ, but I don't want you to leave."
"I don't want to, either." She reached over to touch his arm, the most physical contact they ever had, and she stood up as well.
"When will you be leaving?" he asked, taking her hand in his. He was going to lose his most trusted coworker, as well as a good friend. There was a chance she would come back someday, but he silently knew she would ever come back.
As he walked around the desk, she answered. "Tonight."
He was not very affectionate. In his life, he has only ever hugged his parents, his brother, Haley, his son, and Reid. At this moment, hugging JJ, it seemed like the most appropriate thing to do. He knew life was never going to be the same without seeing her everyday, that there was a greater chance of never seeing her again. Whispering in her hair, he said, "Who else knows?"
"I told Garcia the same thing I told you, and I told Emily and Morgan my brother needed my help in Pennsylvania. They think I'm coming back in a few months." She sniffed back the tears that were threatening to fall. It wasn't like her to cry so much, but her emotions were running wild. She was leaving her second family. He pulled back, so he looked at her face, but kept his arms around her.
"And Reid?" The words burned his throat, knowing it would not be easy for her to answer. He saw the realization hit her face as she thought it through. He knew her mind was sifting through the different options she had.
JJ was strong and she refused to let herself cry in front of anyone, even Hotch. Though, her voice broke when she spoke. "I'm going to leave the easiest way possible."
"And which way would that be, JJ?"
"Yell. Scream. Tell him that nothing is working out and leave," she said, shoving her face into his shoulder. "I have to make him think I hate him so he can move on."
He knew that would never be easy on her. It wouldn't be easy on him, either. "That's the easiest way?"
She pulled away from him, her mouth set in a frown and her brow furrowing. Kissing his cheek, an action she once thought was forbidden, she muttered, "For him, at least," and walked out of the room.
Reid arrived at his apartment a few minutes later than usual. He parked his ancient Volvo in the required spot, right next to JJ's car. Morgan had told him that she had felt sick earlier, so he drove her home. He was surprised to find her car here. Sighing, he knew that he was going to have a hard time convincing her to go to her home, even though he never minded if she stayed at his place.
He greeted a few people as he made his way into the building. He was sure he looked silly with a goofy grin on his face, but he didn't care. After two years of dating JJ, he hoped they were ready to take the next step into marriage. In fact, he had already purchased a ring. He had stopped at the jewelry store earlier that day to pick it up after weeks of searching for the perfect one. Now that he had already found the perfect girl and the perfect ring, he was just waiting for the perfect moment to present the ring to her. He believed that the perfect moment would be that night.
When he opened the door to his apartment, he still wore the silly grin on his face. He had asked the jeweler at the store what the best restaurants were in the area for a formal dinner. Even though his face burned from his blush, the old man had smiled, told him a few, and wished him luck. In the car on the way over, he called a few of the restaurants before deciding against all of them. Instead, he changed his plans to set up a date that ended at a park with a butterfly house and a proposal.
"JJ," he called quietly into the apartment. He jogged down the hall, looking into the kitchen and the living room, but there was no sign of her. Turning, he went back to the front door. In the same hall, there were three other doors. The bathroom door was open, while the closet and bedroom doors were closed.
Knocking on the bedroom door, he called her name again. He was about to open the door when she came out. In her hand was a black bag and a picture frame. She wore a face he had never seen before. It looked like she was trying to wear a mask of anger over a face full of despair. He didn't want to profile her, but it was unavoidable.
"JJ? What's wrong?"
She breathed out heavy breath, her brow furrowing and her mouth pressing into a firm line. "I can't do it anymore."
"Can't do what anymore?" he asked. He felt his face change from the silly grin to a confused look he wore very few times.
"The job. The lies. The secrets." She held up the photo frame. It held a picture of the two of them taken a few months ago at a park. A photographer had taken a candid shot of them holding hands, resting their foreheads against each others, and smiling. The photographer, who surprisingly knew JJ after working with the press, had sent the picture to them through the mail a few days after he took it. "I can't do this anymore."
He blinked. "What-what do you mean?" He was flustered and confused. By some twist of fate, his hand flew to the pocket that held the engagement ring. Inside, he fumbled to pull the ring out. Before he could, though, she pushed past him.
He turned and grabbed her arm, the first time he had ever done that. She turned and gave him a disgusted look. Pulling out the ring and holding it in front of her face, he said, "See this? You can't leave me, JJ. I love you and I want to prove it."
Her face crumbled as she looked between his face and the ring. For a second, he thought she might run. He let go of her arm when he thought that moment had pasted. Her face twisted into anger and rage. She slapped the ring from his hand, shocking him.
JJ bolted for the door. Reid made another grab for her hand, forgetting the ring for a moment. At the door, she turned back to look at him, making him stop. Tears brimmed her eyes. "I hate you, Spencer Reid," she said. Throwing the picture frame to the ground, she walked out the door and stomped down the hallway.
"JJ!" Reid yelled after her. "JJ! Come back! Please!" He managed to make it out in the hall, but was stopped by her red, tear-streaked face just ten feet in front of him as she waited for the elevator. "Please, JJ," he whispered, holding out his hand.
She narrowed her eyes. Through clenched teeth, she said, "Get away from me, Reid."
The sound of a door opening was heard behind Reid. He knew it must have been one of his nosey neighbors. He half wondered if they would call the police on domestic violence. They must have heard the yelling and the breaking glass. Now, they see an upset woman telling a man to get away from her. It did not look good for him, but he didn't care.
"JJ," he pleaded. "Please, please, listen to me. Come back inside and we can talk this through, please."
JJ huffed, dragging an angry hand across her eyes. "No. I told you no. I told you I was leaving. Leave me alone," she said.
"Then give me one reason." He used a finger to emphasize his point. "One."
As she opened her mouth to speak, he interrupted her, saying, "And don't you dare tell me that you don't love me. Just twelve hours ago you told me you loved me more than anything. Feelings cannot change that fast."
The elevator made a noise and the doors opened. JJ quickly grabbed her bags, turned, and marched into the elevator. When she turned, she didn't meet his gaze. Instead, she looked at the floor. Her fingered twitched, as if she was counting down the seconds until the elevator doors closed.
"JJ," Reid said, more sternly than he wanted to. He was still expecting an answer. If she didn't answer him before the doors closed, he would race down the stairs. He wasn't ready to let the best thing that has ever happened to him get away.
She looked up at him, staring him in the eyes. As the doors started to slowly close, she said, "Because I'm in love with someone else." The doors shut, and Reid stood there, staring at his shocked reflection in the shiny elevator doors.
She didn't know that he stared at the broken glass on the floor for an hour. He picked up the ring, swept up the glass and picked up the picture and threw it in a drawer. She didn't know he kept the glass because he was in shock and cut himself on it, never getting around to cleaning it up. She didn't know that he never cried, that he was just a zombie as he made his way through life for years. She never knew that he kept the ring, the picture and the glass for years, locked away in the same drawer that he never opened again.
He didn't know that she cried for months after left, that she kept tabs on her second family through Hotch and Garcia. He didn't know how much pain she went through when she was in labor. She laughed and cried when she held her son and her daughter. When she saw his hair color and her eyes in their son, she would always think of him. He didn't know that she would become a liar to those kids, always telling them that they couldn't see their father. He didn't know when she was coming back, or if she was ever coming back at all. He didn't know that she could never hate him, that she lied to him the day she left. He never knew how much she actually loved him.