Summary: AU Oneshot where Tadashi survives the accident and Hiro is riddled with guilt and depression. Unable to handle it the right way, not able to talk to his friends and family and feeling alone he becomes victim to darker thoughts and ideas. Trigger warning: Depression, Self Mutilation, Suicidal thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Big Hero 6 related, that is Disney's property!

Living Nightmare

"Welcome to Nerd School, nerd," Tadashi's voice was as sincere as it was playful, a smile on his lips as he spoke to his younger brother. There was a look of pride on his face as the teasing moment transpired and turned into something more genuine, something that rarely happened between the two brothers. Being as close as they were, there was rarely a need to express the compassion and concern they had for one another—it something the other already knew. But other times, like today after the envelope was handed to Hiro that accepted him and welcomed him down a new path of life, putting it in to words was necessary.

Neither of them thought the day would come when Hiro turned his back on bot fighting and decided to instead apply himself. After graduating from high school at thirteen, the younger Hamada had found himself bored and with very few outlets. The world was at his finger tips, waiting for him to grab at something and run with it until there was no where else to run, but he hadn't. He hadn't been able to get over the stigma that all college was, were professors droning on about things- -talking AT you and not TO you—telling him things he already knew. It was expensive enough to send Tadashi to school, to deal with those loans on top of normal expenses! So to Hiro, it just seemed like a better option to not waste his time or his Aunt's money. Tadashi obviously didn't think the same way. He frowned upon his brother's lucrative bot fighting career, and urged him to rethink what he was doing with his life. Fourteen years old and he was getting detained in jail all because he hustled the wrong guy. There were better things out there for the two of them and he didn't let a night go by where he didn't at least try to get Hiro to use his brain for something other than monetary gain.

A small smile curled to the younger male's lips as he leaned against the railing, his dark eyes closed as a sigh passed through his lips. He felt comfortable in the moment of silence between them, words hanging on his lips just waiting for the right time to speak. Even if Tadashi knew how much Hiro appreciated his help and his guidance over the months he spent dedicating himself to his microbots, he needed to say it out loud. To confirm not only to himself just how much he had needed that guiding hand, but to reaffirm what his older brother already knew. It was a delicate balance, these conversations. Say something too cheesy and he'd never get to live it down. He'd be teased relentlessly well in to the upcoming semester. But if he didn't say enough… if he didn't put in to words in just the right way how he felt… there would be a curtain of unknowing between the two.

"Hey, I um… I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. So… y-ya know… Thanks for not giving up on me." His words were clumsy at best, but whenever in his life was the teen graceful? He said what needed to be said, more than just a thank you hidden behind his words. His dark eyes watched his brother, his shoulders shrugging as he silently grasped at straws wondering if he should say anything more. There was a hint of a smile on Tadashi's face, his head nodding as he accepted the appreciation, potentially thinking of something witty and funny to spit out. But before anything more could happen, before the heart to heart could get and more sincere and the two hugged and left to go rejoin their friends and eat his celebratory dinner, the sound of an alarm in the distance caught their ears.

The hint of a smile left Tadashi's lips as his brows furrowed. Confusion filled Hiro up as they both looked in the direction of the science hall they had presented in. Hiro couldn't help the sinking feeling in his stomach as looked back to Tadashi. Something was wrong. They both knew it, the alarms only proving the sick feeling in both their stomachs, urging them to push from the railing they were leaned against and charge toward the danger to see what had happened. In the back of his head, Hiro wanted to stay where they were, something bad had happened… something dangerous. Neither of them needed to get their noses in such a mess. Not tonight! They had family and friends waiting for them. But Hiro also knew that Tadashi would never turn his back on someone in need, he would never turn tail and run from a dangerous situation. He only ever wanted to help people, only ever wanted to make the world a better and safer place to be. So he went with him, running a fraction of a second behind him.

The sick feeling in his stomach only grew as the alarms were accompanied by the terrified screams of the people who were in the building. The sounds of his breath, his heart beating rapidly, the sound of blood coursing through his veins was all he heard as he rounded the corner. His lungs burned, his throat dry as he tried to right himself. But even the aching of his muscles as he came to a stop, the fear and panic he felt as he charged toward the building in the first place, paled in comparison to the site right before his eyes. Knots grew in Hiro's stomach as the glint of the fire reflected in his wide eyes, bile slowly rising up in to his throat as the whole science hall was up in flames. Columns of smoke rolled into the dark navy blue of the night sky, smothering the once peaceful glimmer of the stars. For a moment, the world had stood still, and he felt the ground crumbling beneath his feet. All of the hard work and effort he had put into his microbots was for nothing, the essence of the past few months literally going up in flames. He felt his body go weak and his limbs began to shake. His whole reason for even applying was gone—and if that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what else was. But before he could even register how awful it made him feel to have lost everything, Tadashi was running toward the doors.

Hiro's eyes grew wide and the bile in his throat only climbed into his mouth, leaving him trying to roughly swallow it back. He knew Tadashi wanted to help these people, but the situation was so far gone that there was no helping. Fear urged Hiro forward, running as fast as he could to catch up to his brother and grab on to his sleeve. Panic filled his eyes and he tugged back, trying to get the man to see how hopeless this situation was. But regardless of knowing, of sending his brother that mental plea, he still wanted to charge in."TADASHI NO!" Hiro wanted to beg, wanted to drop to his knees and plead with his brother not to be a hero. Some things in life you couldn't help, some things in life you just had to give up on and watch from the sidelines lying in wait. This was one of those times and Tadashi was smart enough to see it! He had to be! But even with his grip growing tighter, a helpless look on his face as the fire cast and eerie glow around them, he knew nothing would come of his efforts.

Tadashi looked back as if taking this moment to consider his actions, but Hiro could see that his mind had already been made up. "Callaghan's in there." he tried to reason. "Someone has to help." Hiro felt his grip go weak as his brother's concerned face urged him to let go. And the older brother took that moment to pull away and run toward the blazing inferno. He tried to understand, he really did, but in those seconds he didn't have time to think. He had to go on instinct. And all he felt was sick to his stomach, terrified of what would happen. Dark eyes watched the fleeing form of his brother, and he felt completely useless. Desperately he looked around for something, anything to help. The firemen should have been there by now, someone should have been ready to plunge into the flames and save the day… be the hero. But no one was there. Everyone had already run, he could still here their screaming in the distance, the sound of sirens wailing in the air—just a few seconds too late. He was alone, with only the heat of the fire to keep him company.

His eyes landed on his brother's hat that had fallen off in his hasty retreat, and without thinking he ran to collect it. Tadashi never went anywhere without his hat. He wore it with everything—even his stupid blazer. A part of Hiro realized he needed this stupid piece of cloth to cling to, to guide him in what he should do next. His fingers gripped tightly to the material, looking at it and begging it for an answer. But when he got what he needed, it was just seconds too late. He had felt determination surge through him when he held it to his chest and decided to run in after Tadashi. He wasn't going to leave his brother to do something so completely dumb and idiotic alone. They needed each other, now more so than ever. Yet, the decision to charge in only left him being blown back by the growing fire, the building exploding from the heat and throwing him feet back, landing roughly on the concrete.

Time stood still and the world was white… there was a loud ringing in his ears as the cool concrete rubbed against his cheek. For a long, painstakingly slow moment he remained motionless on the ground, his injured mind trying to grasp at straws and figure out what had just happened. With intense will he urged his eyes open, begged his limbs to move, and slowly the seconds seemed to speed up by a margin. A part of him didn't want to look at what had happened, didn't want to know what came of the burning science hall, desperate to cling to the flimsy hope that everything was alright. This was just some nightmare giving him the jitters about his presentation. But as Hiro turned over, his dark eyes alight from the glow of the flames, realization hit him like a truck.

Disbelief flooded his body as he stared blankly at the flames, his mind simultaneously whirring a million million miles a minute yet not comprehending the seriousness of the situation. He could hear the foundation cracking, it sounded like glass shattering in his ears, and yet all he could do was watch in sickly silent observation. Tadashi… was in there. Tadashi… had gone in to save Callaghan… Tadashi was… Tadashi… was…

The sick feeling in his stomach overpowered him and the bile that had risen to his throat threatened to come back again. He turned over on his stomach, the urge to wretch filling him as his head throbbed with a pain he had never felt before. It was unlike anything else he had felt—scrapped knees, bad cuts, even broken bones—it had taken over. His arms shook, desperately trying to keep him elevated as his stomach turned over the contents of his lunch. But nothing mattered, he thought as tears pricked the corner of his eyes. Not the pain of his stomach spilling onto the concrete, not the aching of his muscles as he tried to keep himself up, not even the near black-out pain threatening to send him in to unconsciousness. All that mattered was his brother. He desperately needed to get to him, to help him, to make sure he was okay. All that mattered was that he did whatever he could to get in to that burning, crumbling building.
The sound of sirens wailed in his ears as the world no longer moved in slow motion. Seconds ticked by, his body fighting to get back to it's feet with each moment. He felt his legs shudder as he rolled over, his knees quiver as he tried to stand, his entire body stumbling as he threw whatever energy he had left in making a bee line to the doors. But his last ditch effort was stopped the moment he felt grounded, arms pulling him back and away from the building. "TADASHI!" he cried, his throat raw and burning from the smoke in the air. Desperately he fought against the man holding him back, the man pulling him toward the flashing lights of the ambulance. He heard the man speak to him, try to calm him down, but all Hiro could do was throw himself more and more into escaping the grasp. He needed to get out, he needed to help! Tadashi was all he had left in the world! He had already been orphaned by his parent's untimely death… this just couldn't be happening. "TADASHI!" he called again, a hand reaching out to the building that was now being stormed by a small team of firefighters. It wasn't the same though. Those men weren't him! They didn't know. They didn't know how important it was to save his brother!

The firefighter holding him finally got him to the gurney, keeping a firm grip on him as the paramedics tried to examine him. Seconds ticked by, turned in to painfully long minutes, and still nothing happened. The desperation that had him fighting against the man turned into numbness, his body weighed down by sadness and disbelief. His limbs felt like lead, his mind useless like jello in his head. The pain seemed to intensify as the paramedic looked him over, as lights were flashed in his eyes and he was poked and prodded. He was being asked questions, things like what his name was and who they should call to explain what happened, but Hiro couldn't formulate a coherent thought. His dark eyes, flooded with tears were locked on the burning building, waiting to see the men emerge with his brother. He wanted to hear the strangled coughs, to see his face covered and soot and even a few burns, but torturously slow the seconds continued to tick by with no reveal. This wasn't happening… it couldn't be. He heard the paramedic urging him to stay awake, to not give up and keep his eyes open. But the pain was just too much. Slowly, the burning inferno turned into blackness.

The sky wept with sadness at the loss that had occurred a few days prior, the rain having not stopped since before he had woken up in the hospital with a concussion. The air was thick with tension and sadness, weighing heavily on his shoulders as his body went through the motions of life. His chest was tight, each breath labored and shallow as he stood under the pelting rain. Black umbrellas filled the surrounding area, the pitter-patter against the material like a rhythmically sad tune. People surrounded him, the weight of their hands on his shoulders like anvils on his chest. Words were muffled in his ears, almost like he was trying to hear someone but his head was completely submerged in water. Faceless people tried to give him their condolences, but he wasn't having any of it.

His eyes were dead as he stared at the ground, as he watched the empty coffin get lowered into the earth and have dirt piled on top of it. He felt his Aunt's hand squeeze his, and he looked up for a moment to see her bloodshot eyes meet his. It was a lie if he said he had lost everything in the world, he still had Cass to lean on and help him through the dark times, but it wasn't the same. He felt completely and utterly alone, like the world was closing in on him and there was nothing and no one who could do a damned thing about it. He had already been through these motions once before, having lost his parents when he was just three. But it wasn't the same pain as he remembered.

Back then he had just felt sad. He hadn't brought himself to cry, to understand just what a funeral meant. He was an intelligent kid, but life was still new and he didn't know the permanent weight of death. Back then he had held his brothers hand, had looked to him with curious eyes, wondering why he was as upset as he was. He didn't know the pain, just how deep it went and how all consuming it was. He didn't know that life seemed to not matter, he didn't know how it felt to be so completely alone.

It was only now that he understood why Tadashi had cried as much as he had. It was only now that Hiro was beginning to understand how heavy of a blow it was to lose someone he was that close to. The only difference this time… was that instead of having his brother's hand to hold on to, instead of having his warm embrace to hold him as he asked to be picked up, he had nothing but emptiness to surround him. His Aunt and his friends tried to fill that space, but it was like they weren't even there. His best friend in the whole entire world, the only person who had believed in him and had never given up on him, was gone. Was dead. It was a nightmare of the worst kind. And just when he thought it couldn't get any worse… he woke up.

Dark eyes would slowly fluttered open, peering in to the darkness of what he assumed to be his room. For a moment, it felt like nothing had even happened. His body was lethargic with sleep, limbs heavy from exhaustion. But for a few seconds he felt at peace. It was like the fire and the funeral never happened, as if they had been just one big nightmare his mind had concocted to scare him away from the science exhibition. Maybe he was trying to tell himself his bots weren't ready yet, or that going to college was a big mistake. But for those few blissful seconds, everything was right with the world. In a few hours his alarm clock would go off to wake him up, and he'd hear the angry grumbles of his brother across the room. Maybe there would be the light tapping on the wall as Aunt Cass tried to wake the two boys up, or the loud purring of Mochi who had decided to sleep on his back. He would sit up and yawn, stretch his arms in the air and sigh—trying to mentally prepare himself for the day and his presentation. It would all be okay.

But the sound of his alarm didn't go off, instead, the bright neon red numbers glowed in the darkness reading 3:13 am. There was no grumble from his brother, or urging from Cass, of even purring from mocha—just labored wheezing. The sense of peace he had felt shattered like glass and his chest tightened as he blinked over to the direction of his brother's bed. Depression and guilt washed over him as he caught sight of the man under the covers, chest rising and falling. Even though he couldn't see his face he knew what it looked like—memories coming back to his tired mind. Tadashi had been rescued, pulled from the wreckage of the burning building. But… was he truly saved? Hiro had wanted him alive, that was for sure… but as everything came back to him, his body now sitting up in bed, he questioned if this was how he'd want his brother to spend the rest of his life. Broken…

Tadashi was alive, but just barely. His body was ravaged, attacked and burned almost beyond recognition. Hiro hadn't been awake to see him pulled from the science hall, or even brought to the hospital, but when he woke up to Aunt Cass holding his hand… a sad smile on her lips he knew things would never be the same. Maybe it would have been better if he had died in the inferno, if he hadn't survived the wreckage and instead had gone to heaven to be at peace. At least then he wouldn't have been trapped in a body that hardly worked. At least then we wouldn't be in constant pain, fighting a losing battle just to catch his breath. He would be in a better place, one where he hadn't needed to be put in a medically induced coma just so he wouldn't be in agony while his body healed from the burns and loss of limb. He would be happier… better off… and it had been Hiro's selfish pleas to the universe that kept him trapped and bound to his bed. All he had thought about was what he needed, what he selfishly wanted. He never imagined it would turn out like this.

The sound of his brother's labored breathing made his skin crawl, his shoulders slump with guilt and sadness. Each strangled breath made his stomach twist and before too long he couldn't manage to remain in bed. His feet landed on the hardwood of the their room, padding over to the small room off to the side that lead to their bathroom. With a shaking hand he silently closed the door, before he leaned over the sink and let the weight of it all crash down on him. His shoulders shuddered as his body was overcome with sobs. One hand gripped the marble with a white knuckled grip, arm shaking to keep him up, while the over moved to cover his mouth and stifle the strangled sounds that escaped.

None of this would have happened if he hadn't been so desperate that he begged the fates to let his brother live. Tadashi wouldn't be suffering as much as he was if he had just been brave enough to accept what had happened and let him go up in smoke. A life like this, a life that he would lead would not be one worth living. Every day he would fight the pain—and sure, he would try to hide it because he was Tadashi and he wouldn't want anyone to know—but Hiro saw the way his jaw clenched and his teeth ground when he thought no one was looking. He saw the way his hand shook as he rubbed the healing stump of a leg, his eyes looking around to make sure no one saw him. They were brothers, even if he hadn't observed it, he would know just how awful his life was, would be able to tell the agony he was suffering through. And it wasn't worth it. It hurt him more to see the sham of a life his brother was living because he was too scared to let go, than to think about how losing him would have felt. He would have cried and been depressed… but eventually he would have moved on. But everyday, every painful day, he woke up and saw broken man that was his brother, struggle through life. And it was too much guilt to handle that it made him sick to his stomach.

His body slid to the floor of the bathroom, falling unceremonious and causing a few items to slide and fall from the counter of the sink. Tear filled eyes opened, staring blankly at the dropped pill bottles. Slowly a hand reached out to pick one up, his eyes falling to the raised, faded white lines on his forearm, a frown curling to his lips. He had wanted to be a stronger person, someone who didn't let the guilt overcome him and turn him in to someone he wasn't. He wanted to be optimistic like Aunt Cass or happy and excited like their friends, but the guilt was too much. He should have been happy that his prayers had been answered, that he had his brother and that he was alive. The doctors were hopeful that in a few years things would go back to normal—he should have been happy about that. But he couldn't bring himself to truly smile like he did in front of Tadashi. He kept a brave face just like his brother… but it was only for show. When the night fell and the nightmares were just too much to bare, he would slip.

What if they had just gone home with the others for a celebration dinner? That was how it first started, when the first of his blood would spill. What if he had held on to his brother's sleeve tighter… longer? What if he hadn't let him go at all, if he had tackled him to the ground and stopped him before he made it to the steps? What if he had run in after him, rather than waiting until it was too late? Each question had brought the knife through his skin, just deep enough to scar—to release him from the pain he couldn't bear. But not enough for anyone to notice under his sleeves. Why couldn't he have been stronger? Gradually the marks had grown longer. Why couldn't he have just accepted the hand he had been dealt? Why had he been so selfish? Why had he unknowingly wished this life on his brother? No one seemed to notice how he shied away from contact, why he kept his arms hidden and almost babied them. He took it as permission to continue.

Slowly he turned the bottle over in his hands, the pills rattling against the orange plastic. His tired eyes read his brother's name, silent tears slipping past the crumbled defenses. Through the door he could hear his brother's breath hitch, could hear him fight to catch it in his sleep, and it made his stomach lurch. A part of him was thankful that he hadn't woken up, that these stupid pills in his hands did such a good job keeping him asleep. Tadashi needed the rest if he wanted to heal, if he wanted to fight through another day. Though Hiro had to question why Tadashi would even want that at this point. It would be easier to just… pop the top… and to… take the pills… and never wake up again.

The darkness surrounding him seemed to pulse at the idea, his exhausted mind putting it in such a way that made it sound deliciously enticing. Slowly he brought the bottle closer, adrenaline beginning to course through his veins as the idea bloomed in his mind. He had been the reason this had happened. Maybe it wasn't his fault the fire started, but he could have done so much more to stop Tadashi from being a hero. And when that all failed… he could have at least been a bigger person and accept that he had lost. He was the reason Tadashi was in pain and agony. He was the reason he would live out the rest of his days in a body that would never work right again. Hiro thought it had been punishment enough to cut through his skin, had thought if he created a big enough slice the pain and depression would leak from his body like the blood had. But it had never been enough. Each night it grew harder and harder to restrain himself… it grew harder and harder to find relief in his release. And now, as he poured the pills into his shaking hand, he wondered if he would ever find relief, if the guilt would ever subside.

Fingers slowly curled around the tiny capsules, shaking his fist and listening to the echoing emptiness that would become him if he went through with it. His head leaned against the door, his eyes closed, his body almost calm and at peace with the decision. This was what he deserved, this was what he needed. The world no longer held happiness for him, but instead was just a constant and dark reminder of all the stupid things he had done. He was supposed to be a genius, intelligent beyond his years, but he had been stupid and foolish. He wished a horrible life on a person he loved more than he could say. There was no point anymore, to his existence, it only caused everyone around him more pain and more suffering. If he died… then maybe Tadashi would find his peace and solace too. Maybe his horrible misdeed would correct itself and make right what he had selfishly done wrong.

Slowly he brought his fisted hand to his lips, not even realizing how much he was shaking. This was the relief he had been looking for when he sought out the blade… the relief he wished for in the dark of the night, haunting by gasps and strangled breaths. There was a reason he had never felt such relief, even in the nights when he would accidently cut too much or too deep and would struggle to stop the bleeding before it stained the linoleum of the sink or bathtub. It was because this was the only way—the only thing that would change anything. And he was finally beginning to see it.

All he had to do was open his fingers and drop them in to his mouth, close it, and swallow it down. Then he could be eased into his death silently, leaving behind mistakes that should never have been made. All he had to do was take those last few steps and he would no longer be burdened by all the pain, by all the depression, by all the guilt… and he could simply just drift off. But the seconds passed and he couldn't find the strength to open his fingers and release the pills into his system. Painfully slow time moved around him, and he was vastly aware of how tight his fist was, his knuckles white and his nails digging in to the flesh of his palm.

As much as he wanted this, as much as he wanted to feel at peace and content again, he was too weak. He could mutilate his body all he wanted, but it wasn't strength that caused his movements, but weakness. A strong person would have accepted Tadashi's death, would never have fallen to his knees and begged the gods to keep him alive regardless of the situation. A strong person would have downed the pills. But he was weak. He couldn't live without his brother, he hadn't been able to accept his death and move on from it. And now, in the wake of his terrible weak hearted wish, he couldn't even find the strength to end the suffering. He was weak. He was pathetic. And he was destined to be that way for the rest of his life.

With an angry cry and threw the pills at the bathtub, watching as the hit the linoleum and scattered across the floor. His anger fueled more tears to form in his eyes, his sobs quiet but not silent. This was pathetic! Just like he was. But this was his life… and nothing about it would ever change. He would be stuck in this roundabout tortuous circle of self loathing, hate, and fear… walking the line between life and death just waiting until the blade in his hand would slip and there would be no coming back from it.

Authors Note: So... this oneshot took a lot out of me emotionally. I connect with Hiro in lot of ways and I wanted to explore a darker side to that. I know its a bit OC, but think about what grief and guilt does to a person. It's not pretty and everyone handles it differently. I always like to think that Tadashi survived the fire and that things could have been good. But there isn't always going to be a happy ending, even when there is in fact, a happy ending.