Sarutobi Hiruzen needs to deal with a serious 'adult problem', how will poor little Naruto burn up his time in Jiji's office? Ohh! Wonder what 'Icha Icha Paradise' is...
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
"But Jijiiii! You promised that I could hang out here for the day an' stuff!" Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose, in a vain attempt to hold back the veritable migraine that was Uzumaki Naruto. "Naruto-kun, I apologize, but I simply cannot let you stay in my office while I'm doing business elsewhere." Naruto almost started to grumble, but a devious idea came into his mind.
That pout! Not that pout again! It's like I'm trying to face off against my little Asuma as a child again... Damn children and their impossible expressions! "...Fine, Naruto-kun. You can stay in my office-" "AWESOME!" "-but don't touch anything that looks important." "Awwwww!" Wait... Does that mean that he planned on fiddling with important papers?
With the Sandaime turning at the door to give a last look at his office and paperwork, as though he would never see it so close to completion ever again, Naruto put up a wide grin that barely hid the words, 'I'm going to destroy this place while you're away, Jiji'.
Naruto was now alone. Naruto was alone, in the office of the Sandaime Hokage, with the curious mind of a seven-year-old. He stepped towards the door, putting an ear to it to make sure no one was nearby, and turned around. "Hey, wait... What is there to do in here, anyway? Every time I visit Jiji... all he does is paperwork! This is gonna be so boooooooring!" All that Naruto could see came from wood, the room, the books, the paperwork, and the desk. He couldn't vandalize Jiji's office... the last time he did that, he couldn't hear, see, smell, taste, feel, or speak correctly for the following month and a half. Stupid anti-tamper seals... He could unplug all of Jiji's lights, but that would only hold him over for a few seconds... What to do, what to do...
A few seconds later, Naruto finished unplugging all of the office's desk lamps and electronics, and was making his way to the window to look at the village, when he got side-tracked by something in the corner of the room. "Jiji's robes! And the hat! This'll be so cool to wear! I can have them let in, and then wear them to class tomorrow, and..." In his musing, Naruto had managed to put the huge robes and hat on, a much better substitute compared to a sheet and newspaper that were his normal 'Hokage' raiments. After tripping ten times in the space between the hanger and the windows, Naruto used some common sense and hiked the robes up past his extremely small frame, stuffing as much as he could into the front of his shorts.
Naruto was thoroughly amused with his gigantic clothes, marching about the entire office, chanting a song to an unknown tune as he went. "I am Ho-kage, I am Ho-kage, dun, dun, dun-dun, dun, dun, dun-dun..." Finally, he made his way to the Hokage's seat, the chair where it all happened. "Time for... PAPERWORK!" Very gently and delicately, the chibi-kage shuffled various ordinances and requests out of order, then picked up the fountain pen, scribbling various self-praises on any document he could reach.
Sometimes, Naruto would see, in the corner of his eyes, the many drawers on the desk, and slowly but surely, they started to call to him, to take him away from his busy signing duties, to find all the secret treasures within! Already an accomplished lock-picker, Naruto started with the easiest, the top, unlocked drawers, containing pictures of family, some light-hearted letters, and numerous colored pens.
The second level was locked without seals, easy work for Naruto, who soon found some documents regarding academy teaching practices, old team photos, grayed and blotched from age, and a slew of shinobi tools. Jackpot! Immediately removing as many as possible without poking into his small fingers, Naruto took some of the pens from the first drawers, and some of the unsigned documents, and began pinning them up on an unused wall, where he drew big, colored circles, creating a giant target. "Hehehehe, let the fun... begin!"
After a few minutes, the walls would never be the same again, and Naruto had grown bored of practicing his shuriken training, which, much to his annoyance, was STILL not as good as Sasuke-teme, even though he practiced in the Hokage's robes and everything!
He was again drawn to the lower drawers, the motherload, the seal-locked drawers. Careful not to trigger or trip any alarms that might sound, shock, or impair, Naruto set to unlocking the ultimate chest of Jiji's secret jutsu, and all his secret Hokage stuff. It had taken almost half an hour, and Naruto was still unsuccessful. He was, however, incredibly lucky, since Hiruzen apparently left the keys to his desk in a pocket in his robes on accident. Bingo.
Pulling open the drawer, Naruto began to gingerly pick out each and every object from the drawer. There was a picture of the Fourth and some red-haired girl, a few extremely difficult-to-understand scrolls, and a rather plain, unassuming hardback book. "I-Ich... Icha... Icha... Pa-ra-di-se... Icha Icha Paradise? Wonder what it's about..."
"Sandaime-sama, please understand."
"No, Danzou, I refuse to resort to brute force, especially in the manner you requested, without first attempting to calm their frustrations and hopefully reach a peaceable settlement to this whole ordeal. Such a heinous act is tantamount to genocide, and I will have no part in it. Now leave me be, the boy is in my office, and I don't want you corrupting such a perfect child."
Hiruzen stepped into his office expecting a freakish mess, and massive damage to his documents, so he had ingeniously asked his secretary to make copies of everything that was in his office at the time of his leaving. The little hellion, Naruto, would probably be running amok in his beautiful office, but he wouldn't be laying a finger on his precious bookselves this time.
"Alright, Naruto, I'm back, time to prepare your ex...cu...ses..." He paled. "Where did you get that book?"
"Hey Jiji! I have a question. Is it physically possible to do what it says here on page two-hundred and- Jiji? Are you okay? Helloooooooo!"
Not Icha Icha! NOT THAT! How did he get into my sealed drawers! "Where did you get that book?"
Naruto cocked his head to the side, incredibly confused. "You already asked that question, Jiji. AH! I'm sorry! I forgot to answer it! I found it in your sealed drawer. But now you have to answer mine." Still wearing Hiruzen's robe, he bounced off the small couch in the room, turning it to face it's owner. Hiruzen could see which page it was, and if possible, he actually paled another shade towards snow white.
That's page 248! I haven't gotten that far yet! No! Must focus! Naruto is a minor! He can't be reading this!!! With a deft hand, Hiruzen snatched the book away from his small friend, closing it and placing it gently in a side pocket. "That book is not for children, Naruto-kun. You shouldn't have been reading it."
Naruto pouted again, and blurted out his next sentence loud enough for his brand new secretary to hear. "If I can't read it, then it's pervy, right?" Hiruzen prayed to every deity he could think of that she didn't hear that. "Does that make you an old pervert, Jiji? I should call you 'Ero-Hokage-Jiji'!" The Sandaime's hand flew so quickly to Naruto's mouth, even the old man himself was shocked at his own speed. Regaining his composure, the Third fell back on some of his experiences observing T&I sessions. Leaning in close to the boy's face, he exerted the slightest amount of chakra force in the room, just enough to get him to sweat a little. "Naruto-kun. You will never use the word 'ero' to address me, and most importantly, you will never mention this event to anyone... ever. Is that... understood?"
Naruto nodded fearfully in the presence of Sarutobi Hiruzen, but as he headed home for the day, he was already getting a pretty good idea for a new jutsu. I'll call it... Oiroke no Jutsu!!! It'll be awesome... Believe it!!
My notes:
This felt incredibly, and I mean, INCREDIBLY lazily done, I am prepared for the worst, and hope for the best!