This is just an idea I had in my head...sooo. Please R&R!
The Characters:
The Phantom: An actor who has played many male roles, and has serious anger-management issues, even for Erik, is directionally challenged, and has a slippery mask.
Christine Daae: An out-of-high-school actress who is too smart for her own good, is incredibly uncoordinated, and mixes up lyrics very easily.
Raoul de Chagny: Rude, klepto, forgetful actor who has played nothing but "extra" roles
Meg: An overly excited rapping, hip hop-ballerina, who is constantly stalking the Phantom. President of anti-Phantom Club.
Madame Giry: A 30 year woman who never smiles, hates her resemblance to Nanny McPhee, shouts a lot, and is addicted to her IPhone.
Carlotta: A real diva of an opera singer, who forgets the lyrics to a lot of her songs, and ends up singing random words
Piagi: A man who can sing opera, but speaks like a ghetto person.
Andre: Twin of Firmin. Finish each other sentences, and forgets people's names.
Firmin: Dumber twin of Andre. Doesn't finish his sentences.
Buquet: An actor whose always drunk or eating, but still thin.
Reyer: A piano playing Grammar Nazi
Ballet Rats: A bunch of young ballerinas who cannot stop texting or chatting in between songs, and scene transitions
The Ensemble: Lots of talented actors, who speak their minds in the song lyrics
Lefevre: Actor who bails on the Opera House, but keeps coming back since he forgot a bunch of stuff
Auctioneer: Bored, rude actor who has played the Auctioneer many times. Is transitioning to Rock of Ages.
Old Raoul: Old geezer who won't stop singing, or calling people random words
Director: The victim
Music Teacher: Happy-go-lucky music teacher
Students: Bored out of their minds
(Somewhere in Paris)
Auctioneer: Sold for 50 francs. (Gavels) Good-bye useless Opera junk.
Old lady: What?
Auctioneer: Nothing... Hey look! An old timey plaque with skulls and guns on it. Who wants it?
Old lady: I'll take it!
Auctioneer: Of course you would...
Old Raoul: Is there anything else?
Auctioneer: Well there's this music box we found in the cellars of the opera house with this creepy Aladdin monkey on top. It still plays this really old show-tune, that scares children. See?
(holds it out)
Auctioneer: It doesn't blink...
Old Raoul: I'll totally take it!
Old lady: I want it!
Auctioneer: Old people are so weird...
Old Raoul: (lunges at her with the speed of a sloth)
(Old people fight! Old Raoul wins)
Auctioneer: So much for such a creepy monkey box.
Old Raoul: A COLLECTORS PIECE INDEED!
Auctioneer: What the he-
Old Raoul: EVERY DETAIL EXACTLY AS SHE SAID.
Auctioneer: Seriously, why is he singing?
Old lady: Beats me.
Auctioneer: Indeed he did.
Everyone: ?
Old Raoul: SHE OFTEN SPOKE OF YOU, MY FRIEND!
Auctioneer: Has he gone senile, already?
Old Raoul: Can it, you old whippersnapper! I'm singing!
Old lady: I'm out. (leaves)
Director: (screams) GET BACK ON THE STAGE!
Audience child: Did you hear that?
Director:...
...
Old Raoul: YOUR VELVET LINING AND YOUR FIGURING OF LEAD! WILL YOU GO PLAY WHEN ALL THE REST OF US ARE DEAADDD!
Auctioneer: Yes. Yes it will. NOW SHUT UP, AND STOP SINGING!
Old Raoul: WHEN I ASK A QUESTION, I'M TALKING TO MIRANDA! NOT YOU!
Director: (in fetal position, crying) I should've stayed with "Jekyll & Hyde".
Guy standing next to Auctioneer, holding the musical box: Whose Miranda?
Old Raoul: She's been with me since the beginning, always there, standing beside me, and I'll love her forever.
Guy: Christine?
Old Raoul: (laughs) Nope. My hair. (touches what little of it is left)
Nun: Good, if it wasn't Christine, it would have to be a stalker.
Audience member #1: Is he ok?
Audience member #2: Probably drunk.
(Both shrug)
Auctioneer: (rubs his head in confusion) Whatever. Lot 666-
Random nun standing next to Raoul: Isn't that the number of the devil?
Phantom: I AM NOT THE DEVIL!
Old Raoul: That's a matter of opinion.
Nun: Aren't you part of a flash-back?
Phantom: Oh poop. (disappears)
Auctioneer: STOP INTERUPTING ME! (calms down) A chandelier in pieces. Man, who in their right mind would buy that piece of shattered shi-
Director: (scream-whispering) STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Auctioneer: Okay. Many of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera. If you don't, then we're gonna tell you anywa-
Director: (snaps an Auctioneer doll head off)
Auctioneer: This is the same chandelier that featured in that famous disaster. Our workshops have pieced it back with lots of superglue, duct tape, and put in in with electric wires a- Oh whatever!
(leaves)
(Overture plays)
Auctioneer: HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!
Director: JUST GET OFF THE STAGE!
I do not own Rock of Ages. Please R&R