All the good stuff belongs to Jim Henson and Co.
Written as part of the Fairy-Tale Quartet Challenge: Re-tell "Beauty and the Beast" in the Labyverse using randomly chosen genres. For the sister tales that accompany this one, watch for "The Clockwork Beauty" by Ellen Weaver, and upcoming stories by Jalen Strix and Frances Osgood.
True Git
Robert Williams was having trouble with his horse. The animal was more interested in snatching bites of grass and shrubbery than in keeping up with the rest of the guests and their mounts. Robert was not a rider. He felt uncomfortable with the idea of kicking the horse in the sides to get it to move, even though the rather inebriated trail guide had suggested it. It didn't seem polite. He hadn't seen any of the other guests resort to kicking their horse. Obviously he was doing something wrong.
At this moment in time, he was rethinking the whole idea of vacationing at the Happy Trails Dude Ranch. It might have been different if Karen had come with him on the trail ride. Unfortunately, Karen was nervous around horses. Toby was, of course, too little to go on the ride. At that very moment, Toby was wearing a red cowboy hat and petting a baby calf, while Karen was relaxing on a plastic chaise lounge, sipping a margarita and watching a shirtless young man give a horse a bath.
Robert groaned and flapped the reins ineffectively on his horse's neck. The horse had quickly assessed Robert's riding ability the second he stepped foot into the stirrup. He blithely ignored Robert and nibbled at a bush.
Robert forlornly wished Sarah were there. She was an accomplished rider, having taken riding lessons for several years. Of course, she rode an English saddle and did things like jump her horse over fences, but Robert was sure she could handle a dude ranch horse.
Sadly for Robert, Sarah had not yet arrived at the ranch. Due to a small mix-up with dates, it had been necessary for her to take a final exam before she could start her vacation. Robert, Karen and Toby had arrived the day before, Sarah insisting that they not delay their vacation. Poor Robert was gloomily wishing he had spent the afternoon petting baby calves with Toby.
He looked up to realize that the other guests were nowhere in sight. They had evidently gone around a tree or a mountain or something and were hidden from his view.
"Hello," he yelled. "Wait for me."
He was disconcerted when there was no answer but the wind. They couldn't be that far away, he thought, they weren't moving that fast. He flailed the reins again. The horse ignored him and continued to strip the delicious foliage.
Robert looked around and realized that the sun was hanging very low in the sky. Time until sunset was getting short and it was later than he had thought. He needed to get back to the ranch.
Suddenly anxious, Robert drummed his heels against his horse's sides. The horse, not expecting such assertive behavior, jumped in astonishment. The sudden movement caught poor Robert off guard and he lost his precarious balance. He tumbled to the ground, clutching randomly at saddle horn, straps, saddle blanket and stirrups during his slow and awkward fall, finally landing on his rump beside the flabbergasted horse.
Robert and the horse regarded each other for a moment. The horse realized that he could either go back home with a heavy human sitting on his back, or he could go back with an empty saddle. He quickly made his decision and leapt out of Robert's reach. Holding his head to one side so the trailing reins wouldn't trip him, the savvy ranch horse trotted away.
"Hey!" Robert yelled, scrambling to his feet and running after the horse. The horse began to gallop and quickly disappeared from sight.
"Nuts," he said. He began to trudge in the direction the horse had taken, head down and discouraged. His thighs and bottom ached from the unaccustomed horseback riding, but as he walked, the soreness worked itself out and he felt a little happier.
New Mexico was pretty, he realized. Very pretty. The rocks and hills and trees were so different from New England, but they were beautiful in an entirely new way. Freed from the inconvenience of the difficult horse, he began to enjoy himself. He decided he could follow the horse's tracks and find his way back to the ranch easily.
As he walked, he noticed that he was surrounded by flowers. The knee high plants were covered with yellow and orange blossoms that looked a little like snapdragons. "Women like flowers," he said to himself, thinking of his wife and daughter, and he began to gather a bouquet of the unusual blossoms.
He had a nice handful of them and was just realizing that they smelled utterly disgusting when a voice spoke right into his ear. He jumped, dropping the stinky blossoms all over the place.
"What are you doing? Those are an endangered species and you could be facing a fine of tens of thousands of dollars. You could actually spend a year in jail for picking those!"
Robert whirled around, heart in his throat, to see a figure draped in a long black duster, and topped with a flat Spanish western hat. He wondered for a disoriented moment if Clint Eastwood had come to New Mexico to yell at him.
"I'm so sorry," he stammered. "I didn't know. I would never intentionally hurt an endangered species." He began to scrabble about on the ground, looking for the discarded stems. "Here, you can have them. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He realized just how dark it was getting, when he was unable to see the flowers that he had dropped.
"Those flowers are dead! You killed any chance they had at reproducing when you picked them. The world of nature is now less diverse. Are you happy?" the angry voice answered.
Robert looked up at the man that was yelling at him. It really was dark now, for Robert could only see a pair of narrowed blue eyes peering at him from under the hat. The rest of the man's face was hidden in shadow.
"No, no," said Robert, quaking in his boots at the thought of jail time. "I promise you, I am not in the least bit happy."
"Maybe I'll let you off with a warning," drawled the mysterious figure, "if…"
"If what?" asked Robert, eagerly hoping to avoid a fine of tens of thousands of dollars.
"Give me the first creature that greets you when you return to the ranch," purred the dark figure, blue eyes glowing in the darkness.
Robert stared blankly at the mysterious stranger. Obviously he was dealing with some kind of nut.
"Ah. Okay," Robert finally replied. He was fibbing. He had no intention of giving the stranger anything. He did plan to let whatever authorities were in charge of endangered flowers know that one of their field representatives had lost their marbles.
"We have a bargain!" the stranger said, sounding positively gleeful. "Now back to the ranch with you!"
"Well, actually, I think I'm lost," said Robert looking around. He looked back to see the stranger had vanished into the darkness.
"Hey! Come back," he hollered and then decided that maybe he didn't want the peculiar stranger to come back after all. He looked around and in the distance could see lights. He heaved a sigh of relief when he realized the lights were coming from the ranch house, which was no farther away than a quarter mile. He started to walk briskly toward the lights, stumbling occasionally over an unseen rock or shrubby plant. He certainly was making a lot of noise, he thought. Wait. Was he actually making all that noise? He stopped for a moment. The hair on the back of his neck stood straight up as the noises of movement and activity continued. The sounds seemed furtive and sneaky.
"Who's there?" he said in a voice that only trembled a little bit.
Goosebumps popped up all over his arms when he heard a sly giggle come from behind him. He took another glance around and decided his best course of action was to proceed directly toward the lights.
Robert took off like a slightly overweight greyhound. His knees were pumping clear up to his chest as he crashed through the low shrubs and grasses toward the beckoning lights. Loud entreaties for help were coming from his throat as he galloped across the dark ground toward the safety of the brightly lit buildings.
He nearly sobbed with relief when he heard voices of guests and search party personnel calling to him.
"Hey, there he is!"
"Oh, what a relief!"
"Jeezum, look at him go. Pretty fast for an old guy." This last was said as Robert sprinted across the front yard, brightly illuminated by the pole lights.
"Robert! Robert!" Karen cried out, running to meet him. "Where have you been? It's dark outside! You could have been eaten by coyotes!" She launched herself at him and gave him a thorough kissing. When she had to stop to take a breath, she wrapped her arms around him and began to heave sobs of relief.
Robert hugged his wife tight. He had enjoyed as much nature as he could stand and was ready to go inside immediately. As he made his way through the crowd of excited guests asking about his adventures, search party volunteers grumbling about his lack of internal compass, the drunken trail guide making poor excuses for leaving him behind and the owner apologizing and offering complimentary items and services to avoid lawsuit, Robert complained loudly about the unsuitable horse and the peculiar stranger who had threatened him with extortion.
A pair of angry eyes gleamed in the darkness, glaring at the noisy, chattering crowd as they shuffled into the Happy Trails Dude Ranch Holiday Center.
"Bloody devil! What good is having power over HER? She isn't the one I want at all!" The stranger stomped around in the darkness, kicking at small moving shadows that yelped and dodged. "Where is that blasted girl? She's always the first to greet him. Bollocks!"
Early the next morning, the Happy Trails Dude Ranch cook made the sixty mile round trip to the nearest town to pick up the week's supply of fresh perishables from the grocery store, a forty pound sack of chick starter from the feed store and a happily smiling Sarah Williams from the bus station.
Sarah stepped out of the ranch's hulking Canyonaro to hear Toby gleefully shrieking her name. He hurled himself into her arms, giddy with excitement. He was enjoying the Happy Trails Dude Ranch immensely, having petted all sorts of infant farm animals, having been led around on a bored Shetland pony, having been allowed to stay up an hour past his usual bedtime and having eaten two entire candy bars that morning. In his mind, the only addition that could improve upon these marvelous delights had just arrived.
The entire Williams family enjoyed a picnic at lunchtime and then took a walk down to the creek where fishing poles and bait were handed out. Toby caught a small fish almost immediately and was fervently hoping to catch another. After fishing for a half an hour, Sarah left them to go on a trail ride.
She had been disappointed to find that Robert was less than enthused about any more horseback riding. She had been downright dumbfounded when he told her his story of an unsettling stranger making peculiar threats and an even stranger bargain. Really, if he didn't want to go on a trail ride, he didn't have to make up such a goofy excuse.
She soon began to enjoy herself on the ride. New Mexico was beautiful and the guests were enjoying simply looking around at the remarkable scenery, occasionally pointing at things and saying "ooh" and "ahh," snapping pictures and remarking upon the interesting things to see.
The trail guide was an entertaining fellow, only slightly tipsy this afternoon, chatting knowledgeably about the various sights on the trail. He had pointed out various examples of rock formations and discussed the geology of New Mexico and then moved on to a discussion of the native flora.
"Now these here ain't native plants," the guide said, pointing at the flowers. The knee high plants were covered with yellow and orange blossoms that looked a little like snapdragons.
"This is yellow toadflax," the guide continued. "Here in New Mexico it's a Class A Noxious Weed. The state has a program to eradicate these things since they're crowding out the native plants."
The guests murmured and frowned over the invasive flowers.
"Well, here we have some interesting wildlife," said the trail guide. "Take a look up in that tree and you'll see a barn owl taking a nap. They're nocturnal. This fellow likes to catch mice for…"
The guide, guests and horses all startled when a screech of rage erupted from the dark haired girl. The horse she was sitting on nearly died of a coronary event right in its tracks. The horse's every instinct told it to run away, run away, while its desire to live told it not to cross its unexpectedly terrifying rider.
"YOU!" screamed Sarah at the barn owl sitting high in the tree. "You better stay away from Toby! You know darn well I was just venting when I said that about the goblins!"
The trail guide and some of the guests stared at her with suddenly narrowed eyes of suspicion. The rest of the guests were wearing wide eyed, open mouthed expressions of astonishment. They found this talk of goblins to be unsettling.
"Her pa's the one that got lost last night and said that tiny critters chased him back to the ranch," the trail guide whispered loudly. A chorus of murmuring arose at this hushed announcement
Still yelling, Sarah stepped down from the saddle and stomped over to the base of the tree. Her bug-eyed horse saw his opportunity and carefully sidled away from her.
"I don't know what you wanted with Toby but I beat your feathered butt and you have no claim on him! And furthermore, you STILL have no power over me!" she loudly expounded.
The additional burst of noise was enough for her horse to decide he'd had enough. He turned and trotted away down the trail toward home, an air of determination about him.
If he hadn't been afraid of losing his job, the trail guide would have followed her horse's wise decision and herded his flock of guests right on out of there. Sadly, losing track of two members of the same family was likely to be frowned upon.
Oblivious to her nervous audience, Sarah continued to berate the owl.
"Love me? Fear me? Do as I say? Oh, and then you'll be my slave? Did you think I wouldn't be able to figure out those are wedding vows? Love, honor and obey? You give me a wedding proposal when I'm fifteen and then I never hear from you again?"
The guests were becoming nervous. Those were very strange things to be saying to an owl.
"What hogwash!" She yelled. "You must have been laughing your butt off! And to think I was dumb enough to actually consider it! Well, I've had plenty of time to think about it during the four years you never showed up again! You lying piece of…"
"Head 'em up! Move 'em out!" yelled the trail guide, channeling his inner Rawhide. The guests eagerly followed him down the trail and away from the deeply disturbing girl.
Sarah was surprised out of her tantrum by the guide's shout and turned to see the group riding away from her. Humiliation came over her as she thought about her performance and what the other people on the ride might have thought of her outlandish behavior.
High in the tree, the owl stared at the suddenly silent human. For some reason, all of her noise had made him think of his abrasive mate and yammering offspring. The owl was tired, tired, tired. He was exhausted from living up to his hungry offspring and squawking mate's expectations of him. They all just looked like open mouths to him; open, screeching, hungry mouths. He had been catching mice all last night and part of the early morning and had eaten only two for himself. He fluffed up his feathers and hunched down in misery. A clangoring instinct pulled at him, urging him to take flight and hunt. He ignored it, just as he decided to ignore the screeching human below.
The human standing below had just realized that her horse had left her behind and now she would have to walk. The stiff backs of the tour group told her that no one would be offering her a lift. She was beet red with embarrassment and angry confusion.
Truly, she wasn't sure what had come over her. Seeing that owl had frightened her for sure; frightened for Toby, frightened for herself. But she didn't understand why she was so angry. She had spent hours pondering her time in the Labyrinth. She had learned so much about herself in the ten hours she had been there. If he hadn't stolen three hours from her, she might have learned even more…" She sighed. Everything about that time was so confusing.
Especially confusing were the dreams she had about him; the Goblin King. She wasn't a complete idiot. She knew why a young woman might have sexy dreams about an attractive man. Sure, she had been afraid of him. Well, sort of. But she had been very aware of his charms as well. What she didn't understand was why after four years she continued to be haunted by a man she had known only for an instant of time. It seemed foolish and she hated feeling foolish. It made her a little angry. She had felt foolish and a little angry for four years.
She began the long walk back to the ranch, wondering what might be said when she arrived on foot. She knew her horse was smart enough to find its way home so she wasn't concerned about that. For her part, Sarah was quite ready to completely forget about the whole thing and sincerely hoped that everyone else was, too.
That evening a wiener roast was held, with hotdog, burgers and beans aplenty. Guests sat around a large campfire and ate, talked and sang endless choruses of "Kumbaya." Many, many s'mores were made and consumed. When the crowd ran out marshmallows, Karen volunteered to retrieve another bag from the cook, who was resting his heels in front of the TV in the lounge.
She confessed to Robert in a whisper that this would give her an opportunity to use the facilities. Robert put on a slightly exasperated expression. He didn't understand why she always had to tell him when she was going to use the bathroom. He half suspected that one day she would start calling him at work to tell him about it.
While Karen ventured off to use the facilities and fetch marshmallows, Robert regaled Sarah with tales of his afternoon activities which included buying a belt buckle made by a Navajo gentleman, watching a man get bucked off a horse and seeing a prairie dog. When he finally ran out of stories, he became curious about Sarah's day.
"How did you enjoy the trail ride, Sarah?" he asked.
Sarah realized that the entire circle of guests at the campfire had gone quiet and were studiously looking elsewhere while listening carefully to what she might say. She blushed bright red when she realized that the story about her yelling at the wildlife hadn't been forgotten after all and that everyone there with the exception of her father likely knew about it.
"Oh, we just looked at the flowers," she said, studying her feet.
There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, then Robert suddenly looked around.
"Hey, where's Karen?"