INFERIOR INTELLIGENCE
A/N This is my first posted fan fic. I had the idea while watching the old Rankin Bass "The Hobbit" cartoon. It's based mostly on the chapter called Inside Information from "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien. All characters are property of Tolkien Enterprises and this is done in fun. Any feedback (good or bad) is appreciated.
**********
"And now," Thorin said, "is the time for our illustrious thief to perform the task for which he was included in our company. All the dwarves looked expectantly at Bilbo. Bilbo looked quickly at each of them and then at the secret doorway.
"You're out of your minds," he told them. He blinked and stepped toward Thorin. "Thorin, you can't be serious," he said, "I've already saved your worthless asses countless times and now you have the audacity to tell me to go in first?"
"We do have a contract," Thorin reminded him.
"You unabashed cowards," he looked accusingly at all of them, "I won't do it. I won't! Why.why I'll hang myself first!"
"With what rope?" asked Dwalin. Bilbo reached to his side only to find his length of rope was gone. He then heard a whirling sound behind him. He turned and there was Gloin twirling the rope and smiling. Bilbo growled.
"Fine!" he said bringing himself up to stand firm before the dwarves. There were so many things he wanted to say -so many threats he wanted to make, but Bilbo held his tongue.
"Oh and do not to mention the word dwarves if you can help it," said Bifur. Thorin and the rest of the dwarves nodded and conceded that, yes, that was a good call.
Bilbo rolled his eyes and sighed then turned towards the entrance. He took a step forward then stopped. And without turning to face them asked, "and who will come with me?" All the dwarves instantly retrieved their copies of the contract from their packs and quickly looked them over and glanced at each other's just to make sure, rolled them back up and put them away. None of the dwarves said a word.
"So that's how it is then," Bilbo continued toward the doorway taking a leisurely step toward it. He peered into the darkness and could feel the heat of the dragons breath coming through. It was like standing near an enormous furnace vent with halitosis. Bilbo turned and bolted for Lake Town.
"Grab him!" Thorin shouted and he had fully expected this. Fili and Kili abruptly grabbed his arms.
"Let me go!" Bilbo cried, "I'll get you for this you miserable bastards!" He struggled for a time then settled down. Thorin nodded and Fili and Kili released him. Then again he regained his composure. "Okay, I'll go in," he announced, "but if I fry my death will be on all of your beards!"
The dwarves looked at one another for any sign of guilt then shrugged. They could live with that. Bilbo gave up and entered the darkness of the cave alone. The smell was bad but not as bad as he'd imagined it would be. It was the darkness that was more unnerving, he held his hand up to his face as he walked along and immediately smacked himself on the nose as his arm collided with a stalactite. He whispered a curse to the darkness and ducked under the hanging rock and went along with his hands feeling in front of him. This was crazy he thought, how am I supposed to find my way in this stupid ca.. and then in the distance, he could see light. He kept going until he realized that it was daylight! What the hell? Bilbo thought to himself. His fear lessened the closer he came to it. The air began to smell less foul and indeed became fresher with every step until finally he emerged to see 13 annoyed dwarves staring at him with folded arms and tapping feet. "Oops," Bilbo blushed, "Must'a got turned around." The dwarves "helped" Bilbo back into the cave. Bilbo picked himself up off the dirt floor and growled again. He made his way down the dark corridor feeling along the warm rock wall as he went as not to get turned around again. At this point he'd sub-consciously made the decision that, indeed, he'd rather die than be embarrassed like that again.
It was then that Bilbo remembered his ring. Well, the dragon won't be able to see me he told himself. He tried to think back to anything he'd ever heard about dragons. Let's see, he thought, they can see in the dark, have a better sense of smell than a dog, they're big, giant, vicious, powerful, flying, fire-breathing, blood-thirsty, invulnerable creatures with no regard for life except their own. Hmm. He then tried to forget anything he'd heard about dragons. As he was making his way along something fluttered out of the darkness and landed on his shoulder. Bilbo froze in fear. He imagined any manner of vampire bat or baby dragon had just perched on his shoulder preparing to take a tasty bite out of the side of his head. Then he heard it, "tweet" it said. "Stupid thrush!" he cursed though only in a whisper. Bilbo smacked his shoulder as the bird again took flight in order to dodge the blow. He flailed wildly in the darkness but never hit the bird. He stopped when he heard a low rumble from down the corridor, again he froze thinking the dragon may be waking up. Waking up? He thought, how do I even know he's asleep? He cursed himself and those stupid dwarves for not thinking this through a little better. He felt around for the ring in his pocket and it easily slipped onto his finger. Bilbo looked at himself and only hoped he was invisible for it was too dark to tell otherwise. He could no longer hear the bird and slowly made his way through the darkness though it was more difficult now what with the brush with the thrush and the rumbling noise coming from further down the corridor. Then, just as he started to wonder when this blasted cave was going to end, he saw it up ahead. A light only this time it was subtle and soft. Bilbo rubbed his eyes, as it was so faint he thought he might be imagining it.
This was it. As he drew nearer to the light he recognized it to be the soft glow of fire. Probably a torch or brazier he guessed. Bilbo tried even harder to be more silent as he came to the end of the passageway. His eyes now adjusted he could see in the distance what had drew those insufferable dwarves here in the first place. Gold. Mounds of it, and all kinds of shiny jewelry and baubles. He almost forgot himself and would have quicken his pace and lowered his guard if just then the dragon hadn't snorted. He froze for a moment and then crept slowly to the end of the passageway. It opened into an enormous cavern well lit by burning braziers and light reflecting off of the treasure. He could see Smaug lying there in the middle of it even bigger than he'd feared. Huge, red and scaly. His wings looked tattered but Bilbo knew in his heart, even so, that sucker could fly. And then without warning or even opening an eye he heard a voice. "Come now thief," it was a loud, grumbling but still uncaring voice, "Help yourself. There's plenty and to spare." And then Smaug's eyes opened to mere slits. Bilbo choked a bit. He wanted nothing more than to run but like a deer in a headlight, he just stood there and took his chances. "I'm not sure I follow," said Bilbo meekly, "isn't this the Rovanian turn-pike?" "Oh yes as if I haven't heard that one before." The dragon said. Now his eyes were open fully and he casually scanned the room for the intruder. At one time Smaug's gaze fell directly on him but did not linger and continued their search of the cavern. Bilbo then decided to play this a different way. "Oh Smaug the big smelly jerk!" Bilbo said stifling a giggle, "we, I mean, I did not come for your stupid garbage." "Hmm," Smaug pondered this. He could not recollect anyone being this brazen before. This creature was obviously suicidal. And according to the Dragon by-law's he had to oblige. But still, why couldn't he see him? "Garbage?" Smaug said trying to sound offended, "Why this is the best dwarven treasure trove in all the land. Surely something here must be of interest to you." "Oh Smaug, he who's great wheel spins but carries with it a dead hamster, I have not come for cheap foil wrapped chocolates and cubic zirconium. I have just come to have a look at you. To see if you are truly as pathetic as tales say." "Really. And now that you have seen me what do you say?" "I say that the tales were indeed too kind." "Ha. Ha." Smaug continued his search becoming a bit flustered and actually a bit self-conscious. "Obviously you have me confused with someone else," he suggested. "No, no" Bilbo said, "the picture on the back of my milk carton matches you exactly. There is no mistaking it." Smaug chuckled, "Did you're milk carton happen to mention," and here the dragon's voice began to boom, "that my claws are like spears! That my teeth were like swords! That my armor is like 10 fold shields! Did it? Huh? Did it say that the shock of my tail was like a thunder bolt!? Well! Did it!!??" Bilbo stammered. Maybe he'd pushed too hard too fast. But he summoned up enough bravery to keep going, "Well, no. But it did say that you were weak in the underbelly and that you were last seen wearing a purple telli-tubbi helmet." "Ha! Then it was wrong on both accounts!" and then Smaug rolled over to expose his underbelly. Just then the thrush flew in and landed on a treasure chest near Bilbo. Bilbo looked over the dragon's underbelly, which was loaded with gold coins and diamonds in every crack and crevice. Nothing could penetrate that, nothi.then he noticed. Just near his left breast an exposed area. Nothing protecting it at all. He scoffed silently and the thrush took off and flew back up the passageway. "You see, said Smaug, "I am armored both above and below. I have no weakness! And as for the helmet thing where's your proof?" "Oh Smaug, he who passes gas in great oceans and bites at the bubbles." "Shut up!" Smaug roared,"You seem to know, well, my name anyway. But I don't remember smelling you before. Who are you and where do you come from?" Bilbo decided in his long walk through the hallway not to give himself away. "I am he that, umm, drinks frivolously into the night! Dirtying peoples dishes without any regard. Singing stupid songs of faraway treasure. I boast how I will retrieve it but secretly I plan to have an unsuspecting Hobbit do all my dirty work. I am the first to run at the sign of danger and the last to leave a free buffet." "What interesting titles," Smaug said. "What's a hobbit?" But Bilbo continued. "I am he that he that trips over my stupid long beard and wear gaudy out of season tunics and stupid hats! I am he that walks under tables without ducking. I am he that travels with 13 companions that only 3 of which have any semblance of a personality. I am he whose name makes you think of an oak shield with a thorn in it. I am." "Enough! I have guessed your so obvious riddle. You are one of those stupid lake men." Bilbo just stood there with his mouth open. Smaug bellowed, "So the lake men would steal my treasure!" he bellowed, "You're people shall pay dearly for this intrusion!" "No wait!" Bilbo screamed. What had he done? "Not gold alone brought us short, fat, bearded, ax wielding, bastards hither!" This had to do it. "Be done with you're riddles. What else brought you Lake Man?!"
"Revenge!" he cried, "But I'm not a Lake M-" he was cut off my Smaug's
laugh. "I am Smaug!" he announced in a rage, "My armor is like 10 fold
sheilds! My teeth are like-"
"You already said all that!" Bilbo reminded him. "So I did," Smaug admitted. Bilbo then thought perhaps, seeing as he was supposed to be a burglar and all, he should steal something. He glanced down and saw a huge golden cup. "Well there is one thing I forget to mention last time," Smaug said.
"What?" Bilbo asked not sure if he wanted the answer. Bilbo snatched up the cup and put it under his arm. "My breath," he said and began to inhale. Bilbo decided it was time to leave. He ran for the secret passage at an amazing sprint for a hobbit. But he also made enough noise that Smaug could now determine where he was. He then exhaled his fire straight at the small cavern poor Bilbo had just ran into. Bilbo let out a scream as he could feel the flames bearing down on him. Miraculously he remembered to duck under the stalactite just in time. He then shot out of the hole like a popgun! The dwarves were surprised and all at once they took up their swords and axes and ran near the hole to see what may be chasing Bilbo up the cave. Bilbo jumped with the last of his strength behind a nearby boulder just as the flames burst out of the passageway, the dwarves took most of it full on in the face. It blew them back each about five feet (except old fat Bomber whom it merely knocked over) and singed their beards off. "Death," Smaug chuckled, assured that the thief was now dead.
To be contined..
A/N This is my first posted fan fic. I had the idea while watching the old Rankin Bass "The Hobbit" cartoon. It's based mostly on the chapter called Inside Information from "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien. All characters are property of Tolkien Enterprises and this is done in fun. Any feedback (good or bad) is appreciated.
**********
"And now," Thorin said, "is the time for our illustrious thief to perform the task for which he was included in our company. All the dwarves looked expectantly at Bilbo. Bilbo looked quickly at each of them and then at the secret doorway.
"You're out of your minds," he told them. He blinked and stepped toward Thorin. "Thorin, you can't be serious," he said, "I've already saved your worthless asses countless times and now you have the audacity to tell me to go in first?"
"We do have a contract," Thorin reminded him.
"You unabashed cowards," he looked accusingly at all of them, "I won't do it. I won't! Why.why I'll hang myself first!"
"With what rope?" asked Dwalin. Bilbo reached to his side only to find his length of rope was gone. He then heard a whirling sound behind him. He turned and there was Gloin twirling the rope and smiling. Bilbo growled.
"Fine!" he said bringing himself up to stand firm before the dwarves. There were so many things he wanted to say -so many threats he wanted to make, but Bilbo held his tongue.
"Oh and do not to mention the word dwarves if you can help it," said Bifur. Thorin and the rest of the dwarves nodded and conceded that, yes, that was a good call.
Bilbo rolled his eyes and sighed then turned towards the entrance. He took a step forward then stopped. And without turning to face them asked, "and who will come with me?" All the dwarves instantly retrieved their copies of the contract from their packs and quickly looked them over and glanced at each other's just to make sure, rolled them back up and put them away. None of the dwarves said a word.
"So that's how it is then," Bilbo continued toward the doorway taking a leisurely step toward it. He peered into the darkness and could feel the heat of the dragons breath coming through. It was like standing near an enormous furnace vent with halitosis. Bilbo turned and bolted for Lake Town.
"Grab him!" Thorin shouted and he had fully expected this. Fili and Kili abruptly grabbed his arms.
"Let me go!" Bilbo cried, "I'll get you for this you miserable bastards!" He struggled for a time then settled down. Thorin nodded and Fili and Kili released him. Then again he regained his composure. "Okay, I'll go in," he announced, "but if I fry my death will be on all of your beards!"
The dwarves looked at one another for any sign of guilt then shrugged. They could live with that. Bilbo gave up and entered the darkness of the cave alone. The smell was bad but not as bad as he'd imagined it would be. It was the darkness that was more unnerving, he held his hand up to his face as he walked along and immediately smacked himself on the nose as his arm collided with a stalactite. He whispered a curse to the darkness and ducked under the hanging rock and went along with his hands feeling in front of him. This was crazy he thought, how am I supposed to find my way in this stupid ca.. and then in the distance, he could see light. He kept going until he realized that it was daylight! What the hell? Bilbo thought to himself. His fear lessened the closer he came to it. The air began to smell less foul and indeed became fresher with every step until finally he emerged to see 13 annoyed dwarves staring at him with folded arms and tapping feet. "Oops," Bilbo blushed, "Must'a got turned around." The dwarves "helped" Bilbo back into the cave. Bilbo picked himself up off the dirt floor and growled again. He made his way down the dark corridor feeling along the warm rock wall as he went as not to get turned around again. At this point he'd sub-consciously made the decision that, indeed, he'd rather die than be embarrassed like that again.
It was then that Bilbo remembered his ring. Well, the dragon won't be able to see me he told himself. He tried to think back to anything he'd ever heard about dragons. Let's see, he thought, they can see in the dark, have a better sense of smell than a dog, they're big, giant, vicious, powerful, flying, fire-breathing, blood-thirsty, invulnerable creatures with no regard for life except their own. Hmm. He then tried to forget anything he'd heard about dragons. As he was making his way along something fluttered out of the darkness and landed on his shoulder. Bilbo froze in fear. He imagined any manner of vampire bat or baby dragon had just perched on his shoulder preparing to take a tasty bite out of the side of his head. Then he heard it, "tweet" it said. "Stupid thrush!" he cursed though only in a whisper. Bilbo smacked his shoulder as the bird again took flight in order to dodge the blow. He flailed wildly in the darkness but never hit the bird. He stopped when he heard a low rumble from down the corridor, again he froze thinking the dragon may be waking up. Waking up? He thought, how do I even know he's asleep? He cursed himself and those stupid dwarves for not thinking this through a little better. He felt around for the ring in his pocket and it easily slipped onto his finger. Bilbo looked at himself and only hoped he was invisible for it was too dark to tell otherwise. He could no longer hear the bird and slowly made his way through the darkness though it was more difficult now what with the brush with the thrush and the rumbling noise coming from further down the corridor. Then, just as he started to wonder when this blasted cave was going to end, he saw it up ahead. A light only this time it was subtle and soft. Bilbo rubbed his eyes, as it was so faint he thought he might be imagining it.
This was it. As he drew nearer to the light he recognized it to be the soft glow of fire. Probably a torch or brazier he guessed. Bilbo tried even harder to be more silent as he came to the end of the passageway. His eyes now adjusted he could see in the distance what had drew those insufferable dwarves here in the first place. Gold. Mounds of it, and all kinds of shiny jewelry and baubles. He almost forgot himself and would have quicken his pace and lowered his guard if just then the dragon hadn't snorted. He froze for a moment and then crept slowly to the end of the passageway. It opened into an enormous cavern well lit by burning braziers and light reflecting off of the treasure. He could see Smaug lying there in the middle of it even bigger than he'd feared. Huge, red and scaly. His wings looked tattered but Bilbo knew in his heart, even so, that sucker could fly. And then without warning or even opening an eye he heard a voice. "Come now thief," it was a loud, grumbling but still uncaring voice, "Help yourself. There's plenty and to spare." And then Smaug's eyes opened to mere slits. Bilbo choked a bit. He wanted nothing more than to run but like a deer in a headlight, he just stood there and took his chances. "I'm not sure I follow," said Bilbo meekly, "isn't this the Rovanian turn-pike?" "Oh yes as if I haven't heard that one before." The dragon said. Now his eyes were open fully and he casually scanned the room for the intruder. At one time Smaug's gaze fell directly on him but did not linger and continued their search of the cavern. Bilbo then decided to play this a different way. "Oh Smaug the big smelly jerk!" Bilbo said stifling a giggle, "we, I mean, I did not come for your stupid garbage." "Hmm," Smaug pondered this. He could not recollect anyone being this brazen before. This creature was obviously suicidal. And according to the Dragon by-law's he had to oblige. But still, why couldn't he see him? "Garbage?" Smaug said trying to sound offended, "Why this is the best dwarven treasure trove in all the land. Surely something here must be of interest to you." "Oh Smaug, he who's great wheel spins but carries with it a dead hamster, I have not come for cheap foil wrapped chocolates and cubic zirconium. I have just come to have a look at you. To see if you are truly as pathetic as tales say." "Really. And now that you have seen me what do you say?" "I say that the tales were indeed too kind." "Ha. Ha." Smaug continued his search becoming a bit flustered and actually a bit self-conscious. "Obviously you have me confused with someone else," he suggested. "No, no" Bilbo said, "the picture on the back of my milk carton matches you exactly. There is no mistaking it." Smaug chuckled, "Did you're milk carton happen to mention," and here the dragon's voice began to boom, "that my claws are like spears! That my teeth were like swords! That my armor is like 10 fold shields! Did it? Huh? Did it say that the shock of my tail was like a thunder bolt!? Well! Did it!!??" Bilbo stammered. Maybe he'd pushed too hard too fast. But he summoned up enough bravery to keep going, "Well, no. But it did say that you were weak in the underbelly and that you were last seen wearing a purple telli-tubbi helmet." "Ha! Then it was wrong on both accounts!" and then Smaug rolled over to expose his underbelly. Just then the thrush flew in and landed on a treasure chest near Bilbo. Bilbo looked over the dragon's underbelly, which was loaded with gold coins and diamonds in every crack and crevice. Nothing could penetrate that, nothi.then he noticed. Just near his left breast an exposed area. Nothing protecting it at all. He scoffed silently and the thrush took off and flew back up the passageway. "You see, said Smaug, "I am armored both above and below. I have no weakness! And as for the helmet thing where's your proof?" "Oh Smaug, he who passes gas in great oceans and bites at the bubbles." "Shut up!" Smaug roared,"You seem to know, well, my name anyway. But I don't remember smelling you before. Who are you and where do you come from?" Bilbo decided in his long walk through the hallway not to give himself away. "I am he that, umm, drinks frivolously into the night! Dirtying peoples dishes without any regard. Singing stupid songs of faraway treasure. I boast how I will retrieve it but secretly I plan to have an unsuspecting Hobbit do all my dirty work. I am the first to run at the sign of danger and the last to leave a free buffet." "What interesting titles," Smaug said. "What's a hobbit?" But Bilbo continued. "I am he that he that trips over my stupid long beard and wear gaudy out of season tunics and stupid hats! I am he that walks under tables without ducking. I am he that travels with 13 companions that only 3 of which have any semblance of a personality. I am he whose name makes you think of an oak shield with a thorn in it. I am." "Enough! I have guessed your so obvious riddle. You are one of those stupid lake men." Bilbo just stood there with his mouth open. Smaug bellowed, "So the lake men would steal my treasure!" he bellowed, "You're people shall pay dearly for this intrusion!" "No wait!" Bilbo screamed. What had he done? "Not gold alone brought us short, fat, bearded, ax wielding, bastards hither!" This had to do it. "Be done with you're riddles. What else brought you Lake Man?!"
"Revenge!" he cried, "But I'm not a Lake M-" he was cut off my Smaug's
laugh. "I am Smaug!" he announced in a rage, "My armor is like 10 fold
sheilds! My teeth are like-"
"You already said all that!" Bilbo reminded him. "So I did," Smaug admitted. Bilbo then thought perhaps, seeing as he was supposed to be a burglar and all, he should steal something. He glanced down and saw a huge golden cup. "Well there is one thing I forget to mention last time," Smaug said.
"What?" Bilbo asked not sure if he wanted the answer. Bilbo snatched up the cup and put it under his arm. "My breath," he said and began to inhale. Bilbo decided it was time to leave. He ran for the secret passage at an amazing sprint for a hobbit. But he also made enough noise that Smaug could now determine where he was. He then exhaled his fire straight at the small cavern poor Bilbo had just ran into. Bilbo let out a scream as he could feel the flames bearing down on him. Miraculously he remembered to duck under the stalactite just in time. He then shot out of the hole like a popgun! The dwarves were surprised and all at once they took up their swords and axes and ran near the hole to see what may be chasing Bilbo up the cave. Bilbo jumped with the last of his strength behind a nearby boulder just as the flames burst out of the passageway, the dwarves took most of it full on in the face. It blew them back each about five feet (except old fat Bomber whom it merely knocked over) and singed their beards off. "Death," Smaug chuckled, assured that the thief was now dead.
To be contined..