Disclaimer: yeah, no. I don't own.
She's not going home for Christmas either, she decides. It's not as if she actually celebrates it and Lima is just a bump in her past. Or at least that's what Brody said a few weeks ago. Not that she's listening to Brody's advice again, because look where that got her; broken up with Finn, alone for Thanksgiving and hurt and confused because he apparently had an affair with Cassie who was really just trying to screw with her life.
Ugh. She really shouldn't blame Brody for the break-up, though. It's not his fault that Finn was acting like a scared little boy and didn't talk to her for four months and she couldn't keep her mouth shut when he left in the middle of the night.
Anyway.
She's not going home for Christmas, a fact that is fine with Kurt because he doesn't really feel like going home either. Besides, Thanksgiving was a success, up until Brody's arrival and Finn's untimely Skype session with Kurt. But she was meant to be too drunk to remember it, but she remembers the look in his eyes when he saw that she was sitting in Brody's lap with a glass of wine in one hand and the other tracing patterns on his neck while she kissed him sweetly.
She's not going home for Christmas, until Burt Hummel shows up on her doorstep at the start of her winter break.
She offers him a drink or something to eat, because her father's have trained her to be a good hostess even under pressure. He declines so she has no choice but to prepare herself a late, late lunch and sit down at the dinner table across from him.
"How's school going?" he asks her kindly. She's always liked that about Burt. Even during Junior year when she was broken up with Finn he would always welcome her into his house. And that time she and Kurt were fighting over class president and she was studying with Finn, he would always give her a smile.
"Good. Busy, we just finished for the semester, but good. How are you doing?" She fights down all the uneasiness in the pit of her stomach because she just feels really weird talking to Kurt's dad like everything's okay.
"I've been good. Busy as well, going back and forth between DC and Lima, but Finn's been a godsend helping me with the shop. The kids good with numbers, who knew?" He laughs a little at himself and she takes a bite of her sandwich. It tastes really good, in case anyone's wondering. "How's my kid going? Every time I talk to him he seems to have more and more work to do."
"I guess the busy bug is going around all of us then, but he's good." The thing about Kurt is that he'll gladly tell her everything about his life, but he won't tell his dad or Carole or even Finn about the most recent choices he's made. And if he has, then that's something that he hasn't told her.
Burt studies her carefully. "Rachel, did you know that my son is refusing to reapply to NYADA? Instead he wants to go to fashion school or something and become a designer like Jacob Marks or whatever."
"Mark Jacobs," she corrects. She did in fact know that Kurt wasn't going to reapply. They'd spent many nights talking (read: arguing) over his reluctance to apply. They'd eventually reached the conclusion that Kurt really liked working in the fashion industry ("It's like high school in terms of hierarchy, but once you know people, then it gets easier. And thank-god for Isabelle. I swear she's my fairy gay-godmother.") and he was good at designing so why not pursue it as a career? "He may have mentioned it at some stage."
"Good. I know that he has to be an adult at the moment, but that doesn't mean I want him to make misinformed decisions like his brother. I'm glad he has you to help him out because you understand him better then everyone but his mother." She smiles at him as they fall into silence. She doesn't even flinch at the comment about Finn, although she does wonder what everyone's reaction to their non-wedding was. She didn't have the chance to ask anyone when they were back home for Grease.
Kurt gets home a few minutes later and runs straight into Burt's arms. She excuses herself and leaves to go stock up on food since it doesn't look like Burt's going to be leaving anytime soon.
The whole, 'Burt's not leaving anytime soon thing'? is actually incorrect. He's planning on leaving the next day, sometime after midday, but not without Kurt or Rachel.
She's in the bathroom when Kurt locks them in there, effectively cornering her for a little chat.
"My parents and your parents have teamed up and used the whole, 'you didn't come home for Thanksgiving and in your case birthday' trick to convince us to come back home for the holidays. My dad won't leave until we agree to go back with him, the alternative being that our other three parents all fly up here and stay with us for two weeks." Once he's done, Kurt takes a deep breath, then continues some more. "I think we both know parents here with us in New York is not the best idea, but in any case, I'm starting to think we should go home for Christmas day, but get back up here in time to celebrate our first New Years together."
She snorts softly into her towel. "You just don't want Burt to find the stash of champagne we have hidden under our beds because otherwise he'd pour it all down the drain. But if we really have no other choice, then I guess we can go home for a few days." Kurt nods at her thankfully. "Hey, Kurt, your dad totally used the 'we haven't not spent a Christmas together' spiel didn't he?"
Kurt nods again completely unembarrassed.. "Complete with a Christmas themed photo album and little anecdotes about most photos. I'm glad you're the person that I moved to New York with Rachel Berry."
If she has to be back in Lima, then she's just going to block all Finn related thoughts from her mind. That's easier then avoiding him because if she sees him she can just pretend that he's a complete stranger.
"You know that sounds completely ridiculous right?" Quinn tells her when she explains her plan to the blond over coffee at the Lima Bean. "This is Lima, Ohio, Rachel, population barely existent when you compare it to New York or New Haven even."
"This coming from the girl who swore to me that by the time the snow falls in New Haven this year she would've forgotten about everyone here," Rachel retorts, raising an eyebrow at her closest female friend. "How's that working out for you by the way?"
"You can hardly use that against me Miss 'I moved to New York, got a makeover and am now, if not more sarcastic then Santana on a bad day'."
"Make you feel better to get that off your chest?"
Quinn rolls her eyes. "See what I'm talking about? The Rachel Berry, I know would never talk to anyone like that, she's far to polite."
"That was before I moved to New York Quinn. If I remember correctly, you were once a very different person to who you are today."
"You grow up and change, that's life, but you do it for yourself and not because you feel obligated to after moving to a new city and having an identity crisis. Because that's what you're in the middle of Rachel, just like me at the beginning of last year, when I thought that I needed to be this rebel person because I felt that fit me more then the good Christian girl. The only difference is, I haven't been able to be there to stop you from ruining your life."
"I'm moving on and growing up Quinn. This isn't going to be my style forever, but at the moment, I'm happy."
"Are you? Are you really happy Rachel? Six months ago you were all for getting married to Finn and now you're happy to completely avoid him and have no interest in his life? That doesn't sound like the Rachel Berry I know and love."
She glares at Quinn. How dare she stay any of that stuff. She dresses like a little kid, they pick on her, she dresses like an adult, they accuse her of changing to much. What exactly do they want from her? She's never been one to try and conform and she sure as hell isn't going to try now. "How about instead of giving me lectures on my love life and the decisions I'm making, you go sort out your own because I'm pretty sure that Joe still has a crush on you and I know that Noah is still somewhat in love with you."
She stands and walks out the door, straight into a really hard wall. She looks up and stares in shock.
You know that whole 'if I see Finn then I'll just ignore him and pretend that he's a complete stranger' plan? Yeah, doesn't work out to well. As soon as she sees him, her mind goes blank and she just stares at him. He's thinner then she remembers, like, the type of thin that makes him look way older then he is, more teacher like, she guesses. He's wearing a button up shirt with a tie and cardigan and jeans on the bottom. Definitely teacher like then. But he still smiles at her the same way. The shy, half smile that he reserves only for her in moments like these; not when she's run into him, but when he sees her for the first time in a while and is just genuinely happy to see her, but is still nervous so it just kind of comes out as a half smile. She saw that smile a lot during sophomore and junior year.
So, with a completely blank mind, she automatically takes a step back, then one to the side so she's not in his path or he's not in hers, then practically runs to her car.
(When Kurt asks her later about her turning around again like they do in those romantic comedies, she completely denies it and she feels her life fall into a familiar cliché without the happy ending).
She understands that maybe kissing Brody when she still had unresolved issues with Finn wasn't such a good idea. Sure it was a nice kiss, but totally not worth the amount of karmic retribution she seems to be getting for it. Like, she's not even joking. Every time she goes somewhere with the intention of completely avoiding Finn, she manages to run into him and he's always got that damned half smile on his face.
She gets it okay? She did a terrible thing by breaking Finn's heart or whatever and now she has to live with the consequences. But why do the consequences have to be running into Finn wherever she goes.
That being said, she has to admit that she really should've known that he would be at Breadstix's with all the other glee club alums. Apparently meeting at Breadstix's post graduation was basically a ritual now or something. Whenever former members of the New Directions are in town, they have meet at Breadstix's at some stage to catch up. Since she and Kurt had missed the Thanksgiving catch-up, Santana had come over knocking on her front door and demanding they get changed out of their matching pajamas (Isabelle was big on the whole color coordinating thing, alright; besides it was just practice for when she'd be taking Kurt out to the various awards shows she'd eventually attend) and into something non sleepwear related as they were going out for dinner.
Hence the reason why she is now sitting in a booth squashed between Kurt and Quinn with Finn sitting directly across from her (note, Breadstix's booths should really only hold a maximum of six people, not the current eight surrounding the table.)
Finn doesn't really say much for most of the night, just laughs at the stories that start spewing from her and Kurt as well as the ones Mike everyone else it telling them. Once dinners over though, he grabs her arm and drags her over to his car, telling Kurt that he'd give her a lift home.
"This could be counted as kidnapping you know, considering I don't know who you are or anything." Finn freezes and turns to stare at her.
"You hit your head or something Rachel? Of course you know who I am, otherwise you wouldn't have spent three years chasing me." His voice is filled partly with humor but mostly concern and hurt.
She rolls her eyes anyway. "I only chased you most of sophomore year, and a tiny portion of junior year but that was only because you were avoiding me after we broke up. As for the rest of the time, I didn't need to chase you because I already had you in my grasp. Why did you volunteer to take me home Finn? And I don't know you."
He sighs and takes her hand, this time gently pulling her to his car, which happens to be a newly restored car of some sorts. "I wanted to talk to you alone."
She's still fixated on the car. She has two dads, she knows about cars alright? "When did you get a new car?"
"Umm, well, it's not- it's not really mine-"
"You didn't steal it did you? Because if you did then can I suggest you maybe don't spend as much time around delinquents like Noah and his brother, James, or whatever his name is?"
"I didn't steal a car Rachel, don't be ridiculous."
"What was I supposed to think when you told me the car didn't really belong to you? I'm sorry if that offended you Finn, but considering I don't even know you and you're kidnapping me, I think alls fair." Her voice is getting louder and louder and she knows that in a few minutes they'll be full on yelling at each other because Finn's never been good at keeping his temper in check. But she's not supposed to know that because she's not supposed to know him.
"Rachel," he grounds out through his clenched teeth. "I didn't steal this car, and you do know me and I'm not kidnapping you. So, if you want to go home, then get in the goddamn car before I throw you in there myself." That was always his go to threat. Throwing her somewhere if she refused to go. He wouldn't actually pick her up and throw her in a car now would he?
She gets in the car without saying another word. It's better this way; neither will have to say something they may come to regret in a few hours. In other words, she's quite happy to be able to sit in silence on the drive home to her house.
"When I first got back to Lima after seeing you in New York, I went with Burt to the junk yard to pick up some pieces, and I saw this. I figured with the money I made working odd jobs in Georgia, I'd buy it then do it up. Then I'd give it to you as an 'I'm sorry for putting you on that train, then leaving in the middle of the night without saying goodbye' present. Then you broke up with me and I figured I might as well keep restoring it then sell it for a profit. When Burt told me that he was going to get you guys to come back home for Christmas, I figured that I could give it to you as a Christmas present and your dad's could use it or something. I know your dad loves cars."
That's all he says for the rest of the drive home. He's still silent as he pulls into her driveway. She climbs out of the car, but doesn't close the door. "Keep the car Finn."
He nods sadly and she walks to her doorstep then turns around and he's still sitting there, staring at her. She swears she sees tears in his eyes, but she turns around and doesn't look back.
She seems to be doing that a lot lately.
"Should I turn straight? Or should I maybe just be one of those people who never falls in love?" Is the first thing Kurt says to her when they see each other three days later. Apparently he'd had coffee with Blaine to tell him that he wanted him (Blaine) to stop texting him. Then the tears started and she had no choice but to go out to the corner store and stack up on ice-cream and as many fatty/sugary foods as she could find.
"What happened to being a vegan?" Finn asks from behind her. She totally should've sent Santana or Quinn to do the shopping since they were both on their way over.
"Being unemployed in New York means that you really can't be picky about what you eat Finn. Besides, Kurt's the only one of us that can cook and he always gets home after I'm in bed, so I just order takeout."
"If money's a problem Rach, you could've always asked me."
She spins around on her feel, glaring at him again. "How was I supposed to ask you Finn? I didn't even know where you were for four months, then before we could actually talk about anything you left in the middle of the night. And I don't need your charity."
"I'm not offering you my charity Rachel, I'm offering you my support." The words make her blood boil, anger filling every inch of her body so she stalks away from him, food forgotten and pays for what she has in her arms. She's outside before she hears his voice again. "Oh yeah, that's real mature, Rachel. Just runaway."
"How dare you! You put me on that train because you wanted me to find myself, but you're still offering me your support? You don't have the right to offer my your support Finn! You lost that right when you didn't talk to me for four months!"
"Why can't you get over that already? I was just trying to-"
"Don't even finish that sentence, I've heard it all before and I don't really need to hear it again." Why is she so mad? She wonders. It's not as if he broke up with her in the auditorium. Shouldn't he be the one kicking and screaming and just acting like a child in general?
"Well clearly you do because you won't listen to me Rachel. What do I have to do? Break out into song so you can hear what I'm trying to say because that seems to be the only thing that works half the time. I'm not asking for much Rachel, just the chance that you'll listen to what I'm trying to tell you." His voice is so soft, so caring and so Finn that all she wants to do is walk towards him and hug him. She wants to be his again, but that's going against all her other emotions, including hate, that are in a flutter because of this one boy.
"I don't know you Finn. I only know and I only care about the people who are in my life at the moment. And as of me walking out of the auditorium after breaking up with you, you're not part of my life. So just grow up and do what you have to do and don't hang onto the past."
Santana rolls her eyes, Quinn sighs and Kurt slaps her across the head, then proceeds to pummel her with a pillow when she spills on her past three encounters with Finn.
"If Blaine were saying sweet, romantic stuff to me like that, then I'd listen," Kurt tells her once he's released some of that anger he holds onto so well. Maybe her Christmas present to Kurt should've been a gym membership.
Santana is the first to hit Kurt with a pillow. "Now you're being ridiculous Hummel. First rule of 'Surviving Cheaters 101' is that you never fall for the sweet and sappy stuff. If they're like that then you can guarantee that they'll cheat again."
"When have you ever been cheated on Santana. I thought you were supposed to be the one that helped people cheat," Quinn retorts. "But she's right, if Blaine says stuff like 'I'm really sorry, it'll never happen again then you can bet it's going to happen again."
"I agree."
"Says the cheater."
"Says the future pole dancer. Tell me Santana, have you figured out your major yet or are you still trying to find ways to get famous quick, because I saw some jobs in a strip club going and I can always forward you the number."
Three pairs of different colored eyes turn to stare at her in shock. "Berry's got a backbone. And I didn't even have to say anything too mean. I like it."
"Well at least someone does. Others haven't been as receptive of these changes as you have been Santana." Her gaze turns to Quinn who shrugs.
"I just don't like that you changed yourself because some guy told you that it was time to let high school and your old self go."
"You dated a teacher Quinn."
"Was Brody the reason you got a makeover? I thought that was my idea? Why do men have to take everything away from me?" Kurt groans, burring his head in the pillows. "Although, if the reason you took that makeover is because of Brody then maybe you really are stupid."
"Pot meet kettle. Or maybe I should say, you meet closet since they're basically the same thing nowadays."
That breaks the tension in the room and soon enough they're all laughing so hard that they have tears streaming down their faces.
She forgets about her original plan of forgetting Fin exists and instead goes for the 'avoid like the plague' option that seems to be Kurt's number one choice.
It's easy for the first week before Christmas, she and Kurt mainly hold get-together's at her house, with only a few people being invited each time (Finn and Blaine being the only two glee club members that haven't been invited. And those new kids, they haven't been invited at all either) and it works out well. Until Santana and Quinn drag them to the winter show, that is supposedly a new McKinley tradition created by Finn and honoring the victory of sectionals. The club perform their set list and all she can do is sit there in shock as one of the most horrendous numbers she's ever seen (including Run, Joey, Run and With You I'm Born Again) is performed right in front of her eyes, having been approved by a man she thought had better taste. Actually, not thought a man who she knew had better taste in music then that.
Once the performance is over, she excuses herself from the rest of her friends, determined to track down the man responsible for that ghastly performance. He's in his office, packing up his stuff and he clearly doesn't hear her walk in because she just stands there for a few minutes, neither of them saying a word.
"Are you insane?" she finally says, her voice going up at least two octaves. "I knew you were many things, Finn Christopher Hudson, but stupid was not one of them, at least until tonight."
"It was a good performance Rachel. They made it work." A glimmer of hope is shining. Maybe they didn't perform it at sectionals, maybe it was just a joke performance to surprise the audience. "I mean, sure I was worried about it going into sectionals, because it's a dance number and all, but I figured why not. The seniors wanted to try something new and the others were pretty excited about it all so I figured why not."
She's left in the pitch black again. Thanks a lot little glimmer of light. "I'm seriously wondering how you managed to win sectionals right now Finn. Gangnam Style? Really? Can you even do it properly without breaking someone's nose."
"Mike does the choreography, and when he can't be here, then Brittany and Jake help out. Why are you making such a big deal about this? It's not as if you care about them winning or losing." His voice is filled with anger for the first time in a while, and he's standing straighter, shoulders back, as if he's preparing for a fight. Which probably isn't far from the reality considering her anger seems to be rising up again.
"Of course I care! This club was a place where I spent the better half of my high school life! I care about it's reputation and I care about everyone else's reputation because they're my friends. And you're meant to be their coach Finn, leading the way because you're a leader Finn. You could've ruined this club Finn! Did that even cross your mind? You could've ruined all of their chances at going to college if something went wrong with that number?"
"How could you even suggest that? I care about each and everyone of those club members. They're my friends, so of course I care about them! They wanted to do it, they came up with the routine, then they presented it to me and I called Mike who said it looked good as long as they worked on the singing a bit more. They were good, maybe even better then you, get over it." They're standing almost toe to toe, glaring at each other. "Once you're over it, you can tell me what's really bothering you."
"Why did you risk it?"
"I have nothing else to loose, do I?"
"That's probably the most selfish thing I've ever heard you say."
"Can I ask one question, that you have to answer honestly?" she nods. "Why do you really care about me doing Gangnam Style?"
"Because you could do so much better then that number Finn. And you do have something to lose, if only you realize what you have to loose."
"That's a lie and we both know it. Come on Rach, you've never been one to bottle up your feelings so let them loose, we both know you want and until you do then we'll keep running around in circles. I can't fix something when I don't know what it is." Most of Finn's anger has subsided and there's this pleading in his voice that breaks her heart. "Rachel, I love you. Trust me, just-"
Finn's anger may have gone but hers was the exact opposite. "Trust you? How can I trust you Finn? After everything that we've been through together, how can I possibly trust you with anything, least of all my heart?" The tears begin to fall again and she hates herself for shedding tears over him. "You broke me Finn, not just at the train-station but every other time. In sophomore year when you broke up with me because you wanted to go out with Santana and Brittany, that hurt Finn, that broke my heart and I had to build it back and it took me a long time Finn. Then, when I'd finally gotten over you, you told me you loved me and just like that you had my heart."
"Rachel-"
"No! Shut up. Do you know how much it hurt when Santana told me that you'd slept with her? I was saving myself for you Finn. What would you have done if I'd said I was ready? And do you know that you broke me when you forgave Quinn who actually slept with Puck, but you did forgive me? But that was nothing, nothing compared to how you broke my heart when you put me on that train on our wedding day. You don't call for four months, then after one fight, you leave in the middle of the night. That was the moment I knew, Finn. I knew that you would never love me the way I loved you."
"I love you Rachel! How can you say that I don't? I proposed to you, I was going to marry you!"
"I'm not the one that called off the wedding Finn! That was you. It was you that broke me Finn, and I can't trust you with my heart anymore. Forget about what I said in the auditorium that day, I don't want you to be my last love or whatever, I don't want you apart of my life at all. You didn't just break me, you broke us and there's no going back now. Goodbye Finn." She turns her back and walks away.
"Can I change your mind? You can't, we can't, I'm not going to let you end things like this, when we're both mad at each other and saying things we don't mean. We're not over. You're not doing this again."
She turns around to stare at him again. He's openly crying now, and she's pretty sure he's doing exactly the same thing. "There's nothing you can do Finn. I can't let myself get hurt again."
"I will do anything for you. Please."
She smiles a little. "Don't fight anymore Finn. You may love me, but that love isn't enough anymore. I need someone I can rely on and that isn't you and we both know it hasn't been in a while. I'm sorry Finn."
"Yeah. Me to." He turns and walks away, not looking back. That tether he liked to talk about during last summer and most of senior year, that just broke. The last strand snapping under the pressure of their most recent conversation.
She's never felt more broken.
Santana finds her later, on the ground, crying and immediately takes the tiny girl into her arms while also texting Kurt to come find them.
"It's over Santana. He just walked away. I wanted him to fight for me! I wanted him to fight for me the way I fought for him, I want him to love me the way I love him. I want to be worth it." The sobs make it hard to breath let alone talk but she fights it all away and manages to choke the words out.
Santana strokes her hair as Kurt and Quinn appear. "Oh my god. What did my brother do now?"
"He left her again."
She coughs. "He didn't leave for no reason, he left because I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't love him anymore because it hurt to much. I told him that I can't trust him and that I can't rely on him anymore."
"Oh Barbra, you need water, a nice relaxing bath and then a nice girls night in."
"I just want to go home Kurt."
"We're taking you home sweetie."
"I want to go back to New York, that's my home now Kurt."
"Not gonna happen while you can barely talk or keep your eyes open princess. I'll drive you to the airport tomorrow morning. Until then, we're going back to your house and doing everything that I just listed." Kurt's words are firm, but gentle. He was her soulmate after all.
She gets back to New York the next afternoon, well, it's six-thirty at night, but close enough to afternoon for her. Her eyes are still puffy despite the three facials Kurt had given her and her voice is hoarse after sobbing for hours into her pillow once everyone had settled themselves for the night.
"Hey baby," a voice says, startling her out of her moping. "Have a good day at school?"
Wait, what? She knows that voice, of course she knows the voice! She's only been in love with that voice for the better part of three years. But that doesn't explain what the voice is doing here in New York, standing outside her apartment with- is that wine and takeout.
"Sorry we're having takeout," he continues, noticing that her gaze had landed on the food in his arms. "Schools been so hectic lately that I didn't have time to run to the grocery store. Come on, I know you had dance today, I'll throw in a free foot rub if you let me watch ESPN."
Has she stepped into the Twilight Zone or something? Maybe one of those weird dreams where she, as the lead, had to take a 'what if' journey into what her future would've been like if Finn had stayed or taken her to the train station.
"Babe? You coming inside or not? It's pretty cold outside, even though we're inside, but it's cold out here."
"What are you doing Finn?"
"What do you mean what am I doing? Come one Rach, lets just go inside and have a nice quiet night alone, without Kurt here to bug us."
"Finn!"
They enter into a staring contest. "Considering this apartment is mine and not ours I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that has a key therefore I'm the only one that can enter."
"Luckily for me this isn't an episode of The Vampire Diaries and I happen to have a key, so you're wrong on both counts there Rachel." Finn's cocky, confident, as if he knows he's going to be let inside. How can she not? Forgetting their past together, he is still her best friends brother and she can't leave him stranded three days before Christmas.
Finn unlocks the door for her and motions for him to go inside before him. She frowns and drags her bags over to the door, but he picks them up before she can move to far into the apartment.
"How was Lima? Did you get to catch up with Quinn and Santana like you were planning. Artie told me that Santana's not happy about Brittany and Sam being together, but I guess she'll got over it eventually."
"This doesn't change anything, Finn. We're over, forever, there is no going back anymore. We both have to move on with our lives."
He ignores her though, placing her stuff in her room, before laying out the food in the lounge room and motioning for her to come over. "Foods getting cold babe. I know that you hate reheating stuff."
"I'm not hungry but I am tired so I'm going to bed. You can sleep on the couch."
"Night babe, love you."
She wakes up to complete blackness and absolutely no warmth whatsoever. "Finn? Did you turn off the heater?" That incredibly sad part of her wants him to have disappeared into the night so that she wouldn't have to talk to him.
"No. The power went out just after you went to bed." He replies sleepily. The part of her that is a hopeless romantic smiles into the darkness. He was still there. "I'll take a look in the morning okay Rach? Just go back to bed before you get cold."
"Aren't you cold? I felt cold underneath three quilts and a bunch of blankets, you only have a blanket."
"I'll be fine. Just go back to bed."
"Come with me."
What? "What?"
"Baby it's cold, I don't want you sleeping on the couch when it's this cold. Come back to bed." No, she doesn't know where she finds this newfound confidence, yes she does want him in bed with her, only because he's basically a hot water bottle during winter and her fingers and toes were numb. Yes, she was playing along with whatever he was trying to do. No she doesn't care about what she said to him yesterday in the hallway. "What's taking you so long Finn. I'm cold and I need my heater." Dirty context be damned. He wasn't getting any from her anyway.
"Rachel."
"Finn, this is your one chance to sleep in a bed with me, I'd take it if I were you." The blankets ruffle and his heavy footsteps make their way over to her. He stops right in front of her. "I'm cold and you're warm so yes I'm sure."
They get into bed together, and Finn stops when Rachel takes what's normally his side of the bed. She only ever takes it when she wants to snuggle.
"Since when do you sleep on that side?" He asks just to make sure.
"Since it's closer to the bathroom then the other side." She goes silent again and they lie there, staring at the roof, not touching at all. "You wrote us a song about pretending yet here you are, sitting there pretending that everything is okay. How does that even work Finn?"
"I wrote that song because you were pretending that you didn't love me and I'd spent such a longtime pretending that I don't love you that it all just came out in that song. And this isn't me pretending, well I guess it is, but this is me living out the life that I want. I want to come home to you every night, tell you I love you then go back to bed together."
"We can't have that life together Finn."
"Now who's pretending Rachel? You love me, even though I've hurt you so much, and I love you because of that and because you're the woman of my dreams. All of my dreams, they revolve around the two of us being together." He turns onto his side so that he's looking at her, although she's still staring straight ahead. "My biggest dream is being here in New York with you. It has been for a while, ever since we came here in junior year."
"I can't be your dream Finn. That's way to much pressure on me, especially when I have to concentrate on my future. I can't be the basis for yours as well. Besides, you need plans Finn. Plans for the future, for the way you're going to spend the rest of your life. Otherwise you're just giving into that stereotypical Lima Loser type." She faces him and realizes that she can't actually see him all that well, but she knows she could point to every dimple ever wrinkle on his face even in the darkness. "What are you going to do with your life Finn?"
She'd asked him this question in various forms many times over the years. They always had the same answer. "I want to be a teacher. Well, kind of, I want to be one of those teachers that helps kids in need, you know, like a combination of Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury. I like the idea of being a teacher."
"That doesn't mean that you actually want to be a teacher Finn."
"Doesn't matter, I can change my major. I looked it all up."
"And where are you thinking of going to college. You need a teaching degree to become a teacher." She's not trying to be a negative Nancy but she's tired and cold and wasn't the whole point of Finn being in bed with her to keep her warm?
"I don't need to think about going to college." The cocky tone is back with a vengeance. She can only imagine the smirk he has on his face as he tells her his. "But that's because I got into NYU, early admission. I don't start until next fall so that gives me plenty if time to start saving up for school."
"Tell me you're kidding."
"Dead serious. And if you're serious about us not being together, then I'll except that and we can just be friends, although we both know how well that's worked out in the past. If not, then I'm here and I'll be waiting in the wings until you can trust me again."
Silence falls again. She shuffles around until she's pressed up against his chest, her head tucked into his shoulder. "It's gonna take time Finn."
"We've got all the time in the world Rach."
They don't really have all that much time together. He spends Christmas with her in New York, then when Kurt returns, agrees to stay for New Years as well. After that he has to get back to work. Mr. Schue wants him on as an assistant for regionals.
"Well I can't say no," Finn complains. They're in her room, with Finn packing while she just laughs at him. "Can I save you a seat at regionals?"
"Well I don't think you have a choice. Besides, someone has to help you pack up your room and considering the things I know you have hidden at the back of your closet, I doubt you want your mom or Burt to help you out." He throws a tee shirt at her.
They're good at being friends. With benefits. But that part is irrelevant. What is relevant is that they're in that strange state of being friends who sleep together and being an actual couple. Even though she said she needed time and Finn had respected that, she still needed a heater.
"By the way, I'm keeping this shirt. I need to remember you somehow."
Finn rolls his eyes. "I'll see you in a few weeks. You'll be back for Mr. Schue's wedding right?"
"And miss the excitement that is a glee club wedding, of course I'll be there. There's the added bonus that there's always wedding sex." She smirks at him. Finn blushes again.
"As long as I'm the only one you're having wedding sex with."
"I don't know. Those two new kids seem pretty hot."
They get their happily ever after. It takes a lot more time then the week they spent with each other over Christmas, but they get there eventually. It's like she's always dreamed it would be, only better, because Finn moves in with them after regionals (which they won) but when that gets weird because she and Finn still haven't really put a name on their relationship, he moves in with Santana who's saving room for Blaine who moved once he'd finished school.
Finn chooses to Major in Childhood education after spending five months helping to direct an elementary school musical and he manages to finish his degree in three years instead of four. She gets small off Broadway part at the end of her first year at NYADA which runs through most of the summer. Kurt gets accepted into the fashion school in New York and Santana decides that she doesn't want to be famous, she wants to be a lawyer so she goes to Columbia.
Puck joins them during her junior year. Blaine moves in with her and Kurt, while Puck starts rooming with Finn and Santana. They survive that year without any attempted murders, tempting as it may be. Finn never pushes her, they're both super busy, but one day, things just fall into place.
"I love you Finn," she tells him matter-of-factly over their weekly lunch. "Not in a 'we just had awesome sex' way. More of a 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' type way. I assume you feel the same way."
"Yeah, of course. But why now?" he asks. "What made you change your mind?"
She can't pinpoint exactly, but she thinks sometime around when he first moved here last year. Then she slowly fell for him more and more after that. He smiles at her.
"I love you Finn Hudson."
"You can marry me if you want to, Rachel Barbra Berry."
She laughs as he throws the words she spoke as a nervous sixteen year old back in her face with the confidence only Finn could have. "I want to." She leans forward on her elbows. "You know what we should do?"
"Elope?"
"You remember that? I didn't think you'd heard me."
Finn smiles at her softly. "I remember everything about you Rachel. Especially sixteen year old you. That's only because I can pay you out about it though. So, we should go elope."
"And deprive Kurt of being able to plan a wedding? I don't think I want to open that can of worms."
"But you'll marry me?"
"Yes. I'll marry you."