Things I've Been Forbidden to Do Ever Again: Notes by Edward A. Cullen.

By Miss. Bra

I. Carlisle!

I remember it being a little after Bella and I had gotten together, coming into my 97th year as Carlisle as being my father and of course, Carlisle and Esme's eightieth anniversary. It was all of us at home. Carlisle was up in his study, reading over an old text book. Esme was gathering clothes for washing as she normally did. Rosalie was with Emmett playing Guitar Hero and Alice was with Jasper sorting out her ridiculous amounts of clothing in her wardrobe.

I, however, was quietly, innocently reading on the lounge, doing nothing particularly interesting until Esme came past, stifling her laughter with one hand while holding the clothes basket with another. I cocked one eyebrow at my mother and she burst out laughing.

"Spill," I said, closing my book.

"Oh, Edward, you'll never guess!" She cried, falling into the armchair, bursting out into fits of laughter. "Oh, it's so funny, Edward, so, so, so funny!"

"What, what?" I asked in anticipation. "Tell me, Esme, tell me!"

She settled down and leant forward, flicking her hair out of her eyes and trying to straighten out her smile. "Well," She started. "A new doctor came today, at the Forks Hospital and he was put under Carlisle's wing until he settles in." Esme then broke out in another wave of laughter.

"Esme! Snap out of it! Tell me!" I cried, wanting to know more and more with every laugh she did. It made me feel out of it, like she was keeping a joke from me. Eventually, Esme settled back down and pushed her clothes basket to the side.

"Anyway, so this new doctor, this Dr. Christopher Mane," She started up again, grinning only slightly, the joke playing in her eyes, making me want in on the secret more and more. "At the start, he was nice, asking Carlisle questions, talking to the nurses but," The climax was coming to the joke and I was eagerly awaiting it. "After lunch he comes out to Carlisle in privates and admits he's been talking to the nurses about him."

"About him?" I cried in shock.

"Shh, shh, keep it down, Edward, keep it down," She shushed me, but continued. "Carlisle goes:" She put on an accent then, the way Carlisle talked. "'Oh, that's nice, Christopher, and what do those lovely ladies have to say?' And Christopher says: 'They say you're amazing and I wanted to know if later you're free?'"

"He thought he was gay?" I cried, falling back into the lounge, laughing loudly and unashamed. Esme took her turn to and her head fell back. The entire lounge was filled with our cackling.

"Oh shut up, Edward!" Was Carlisle's seethe from upstairs. "Don't tell the whole world, Esme!"

"Oh honey!" She chortled back; her eyes squinted against her smile. "It's just so funny!"

"Well," Carlisle replied, "I didn't think it was. Do I look gay, Esme?!"

"And Carlisle was like," Esme said, getting over her fits of laughter. "Excuse me, pardon, what was that?!"

"Deer in the headlights!" I squealed, holding my sides, closing my eyes as I laughed and laughed and laughed. "Classic!"

"Oh shut up, Edward!" Carlisle hissed from his study that I knew now he was sulking in. "Esme! Next time, mind your own business!"

Esme chuckled, picking up her clothes basket to continue her way. "Oh dear, don't be like that," Esme replied to her mate. "We are only having a little fun!"

"Yes, well," Carlisle replied quickly. Yes, he was obviously up there sulking. "I don't find it fun. I find it awkward and embarrassing."

We didn't say anything else about the 'incident' as it is now known as until Carlisle, Esme, Alice and I went hunting that night. Alice sped away, chasing an Elk, mimicking its actions across a clearing before skillfully taking it down.

Carlisle hunted with Esme, which I knew that they hunted maybe one or two animals before making out with each other, fulfilling two desires at the same time. I was left, as usual, to hunt by myself.

I allowed myself to travel around an hour from them, just to find a good stock of mountain lions. I wanted to make this hunt worthwhile and the way Bella had been making me feel lately, I needed it. Her human blood tempted me, though practicing had paid off. I could resist her blood by hunting a lot and I had gotten used to all of the differences between her and the animals I hunted.

And now, I was chasing down the biggest mountain lion I could find, making it panic, going purposely slow to enjoy the chase.

It was a big male, the cream of the crop, the most succulent, juicy lion I had found tonight and certainly a meal I would cherish.

I was about to zone in on it, to wrap my stone arms around it. I would have liked to feel it squirm, its rib cage crack under the pressure then to sink my teeth into its fur, extracting the divine nectar. I would have liked that very much. I, of course, did not get that opportunity as a pair of too familiar, strong arms clamped around my meal and dragged it to their lips.

Abruptly I stopped, my eyes looking at the scene in front of me with horror. The lion had been efficiently killed and drained in little than over three seconds. A prized meal devoured in less than just three seconds! How I was going to cherish that meal!

"CARLISLE!" I screamed.

He grinned at me, throwing the dead lion to the side. "Yes, Edward, my dear son?" He asked innocently.

"I am going to rip your head off!" I cried. Esme peeped out from behind the tree, her tan eyes wide.

"Please, son, you know how I dislike violence," He soothed, the smug smile not lifting from his face.

"I'm going to kill you!" I cried, "I am going to get you back, just you wait Carlisle!"

He rolled his shimmering brown eyes. "Oh, how I wait for that, Edward."

I spun on my heels and rocked back to the house. I already had a plan of what I had to do and I knew what had to be done.

"Edward?" Rosalie said as I rushed through the house. "What are you doing back so early?"

"Killing Carlisle!" I seethed. Rose chuckled.

"Good luck with that," She replied as I flew out the door.

It was one of those god-forsaken 24hour shops that I was sure they had specifically designed for the vampire populations of the world. I was convinced the Volturi had something to do with the chains around the world. I mean, I hadn't been human for a long, long time, but I could never remember the time that I needed cat litter at 1 am, or window cleaner at 3am. It seemed a little ridiculous for the shop to be open at 2 o'clock in the morning.

"Morning, sir!" The assistant greeted from the counter. "How can I help you?"

I approached him carefully, looking around the shop for the item that I so desperately needed. "Do you have…?" I turned to him, recognizing him as a boy in my grade. I didn't know his name. "Pink clothing dye?"

He grinned. "Of course Edward," He said. Obviously he knew my name. But didn't everyone in this god forsaken town? "Isle three."

I found the weapon of choice and quickly grabbed nine bottles, paid for them and then skipped home. Rosalie was watching a late night movie lazily and turned her head back to look at me.

"Whatcha doin with them, Edward?" She said, only barely interested.

"Dying all of Carlisle's clothes pink," I said, pulling out every garment owned by Carlisle from the fresh washing and into Esme's clothes basket. "Getting back at him."

"Ah, revenge," Rose said, "I know all about that. Good luck, Edward." She turned back to her movie, pushing her blonde locks back behind her ear.

I moved up to his and Esme's room next, carrying the basket that was Carlisle's clothes. I grabbed everything out of his closet, pushed it into the basket, chuckling when I found out that all of his work shirts were white. On the way out I grabbed his white doctor's coat, plucking it from the hanger, shoving it on top. It even still had his name tag on it.

"Geez, Ed, even his coat," Rose exclaimed, sitting up over the lounge, watching me with interest. "You're really going right out!"

Mother Dianne's Clothing Dye

Colour: Baby Pink

Instructions: Pour one drop to every 100mL of water, or every garment. This dye will not wash out. WARNING: This dye will not wash out.

"Excellent…"

I poured bottle after bottle into the tub where Carlisle's shirts, pants, undergarments, button ups, suits, jeans and socks were. I estimated they still had another good 2 hours of hunting and if I was lucky another 3 hours before Carlisle and Esme got back.

"Baby pink?" Rose said, taking an empty bottle and cocking one blonde eyebrow. "Isn't that rather…" She trailed off.

"Gay," I confirmed, "Why yes, it is."

"I like baby pink," Rose commented. "I think it's nice… on girls."

"There is a fine line," I told rose, "And Carlisle is about to get on the wrong side of it."

"Edward Cullen, you are evil," She tsked me. "And I like it, good work, brother."

"Sew designer labels on them," Rose suggested as she turned back to her movie. "That will really get him going."

"No," I replied, holding up the now pink, previously white work shirt owned by my father. "This will do, this is much enough for what I wanted."

I dried everything and hung everything back and though it took me until four in the morning I was insanely pleased with my progress. Everything Carlisle now owned was tinged in pink, whether it be a vibrant pink like his white shirt or a strange tinge like his jeans, everything was pink.

"Look, son, I'm sorry for what I did while we were out hunting…" I looked up from my science text to see Carlisle holding out his hand for me too shake. " I'm sorry, no hard feelings."

I took it heartily, "Yeah, dad, no hard feelings. But I have to run, I've got to get Bella to school." I leapt up, taking the Volvo's keys from the coffee table.

"But it's only seven thirty," Carlisle said, frowning slightly.

"She's an early riser," I lied. Bella was late most days but I needed an excuse to get out of the house; to avoid a right throttling that I would get from my father when he found out what I did.

"Alright, have a nice day Edward," He mumbled.

"Yes, you too, dad," I grinned, slinking out the door.

I was driving out of the house, down our long driveway when I heard it, louder than anything I had ever felt before, blocking out everything else in my head going on. I think it was mainly because he yelled it out also.

"EDWARD CULLEN! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!"

I couldn't help but laugh, throwing my head back, not knowing where I was going; knowing that if I could cry the tears would be streaming down my face.

"What are you so happy about today, Edward?" Bella chimed as she stepped into the car.

"Oh, no reason, love," I replied sweetly, firing up the engine to the small Volvo. "It's a little early, you don't mind if I take a detour to the hospital do you?"

Bella shrugged. "Alright."

I grinned as I turned into the car park hospital, seeing Carlisle's black Mercedes parked in prime position. I should have painted that pink too, it would have been a pleasant change.

I slipped into the hospital, smiling to the woman behind the administrations desk, tuning in on a group of nurses chattering down the hall.

It must be a joke, I mean, his coat is pink too!

Come on, doesn't anyone think that he looks even more amazing. I swear, I could jump on him right now!

If he wants to get noticed he sure knows how to do it!

"Is Carlisle Cullen in?" I asked the administration lady, leaning over the counter.

"Why yes he is, Edward," She replied. "He just clocked in, I'm sure he's just in his office if you want to pop in."

"Oh yes, I would just love to pop in," I grinned.

"Morning handsome," I cooed, leaning across the doorframe of his office. "My, haven't we had a little spark of personality today."

His head snapped up and his tan eyes narrowed. Oh my! He was totally pink! His shirt was pink, his coat was pink and his tan pants were a deep burgundy. I expected his underwear was pink as well! Oh joyous day! "Shut up, Edward, you little…" He always avoided swearing, he did dislike it so. "Is this for revenge, Edward? I thought you to be better than that." He was trying to use the guilt trick on me, well, that wouldn't work for one moment.

"No, you mustn't know me very well then at all, Carlisle," I replied sweetly, grinning.

And then, Christopher, I assumed, peeked his head in beside my chest, making me recoil from the sudden onslaught of his scent on his nose. He reeked of blood and I screwed my nose up.

"Doctor Cullen," He said, "They want you in room nine." And then, he grinned, flicking back a piece of blonde fringe. "And I just love your colour. It matches your eyes nicely. You definitely have some flare, Carlisle!"

"Please, Doctor Cullen," Carlisle insisted.

Christopher grinned and I chuckled to Carlisle. "Alright, Doctor Cullen," He purred.

God help me…

And Carlisle never took my food again. Christopher was charged three weeks later for sexual harassment on a male nurse and was deported to Indiana.

Carlisle had to endure Alice's shopping habits for five consecutive days, flying to other parts of the world when the local shops closed. It was opposite in Australia, apparently.

I hoped you enjoyed the first part of this little story. It's all fun, yeah? Have a good laugh.

Disclaimer- All owned by Stephenie Meyer, except for the food dye. That's not.

Review please. :D!