Unofficial S.H.E.I.L.D Rules
The whole Helicarriers cargo bay was bustling with new cadets. It was like a room full of children.
Looking at them with an evil glint in his eye agent Coulson held his clipboard tightly to his chest. This wasn't his favourite part of the job but it had to be done.
Once all the young cadets had settled down and sat in an assembly line. One cadet leaned to another "must be important if they have to speak to us" the cadet next to him looked at him "yeah must be if they are going to all this fuss" they were soon silenced when agent Coulson stepped out in front of them
"Good evening cadets. I know you must be eager to get to your posts but first we have to go through some rules"
"Rules?! What rules?!" shouted one Cadet
"Yeah we already know the rules!" shouted another cadet
Agent Coulson rolled his shoulders. "Well these are unofficial rules that must be followed to the letter"
And he began . . .
Don't play on video games while at your work station. It's very distracting
Stop asking Loki about giving birth to an eight legged horse
Don't ask him about having sex with a horse either
Don't call Thor point break
Don't call captain America old man or grandpa
No captain America was not in dads army so stop asking him
Richard stark is not the most important person in the universe. His ego is big enough don't encourage him
Captain America and iron man are not an item
STOP TRYING TO MAKE BANNER ANGRY!
Stop trying to make alchemy experiments in the science lab. Banner will get pissed at you
Don't attempt to steal Thor's hammer. It is a fruitless attempt as only he can pick it up.
Unless you want an arrow in the knee please don't take the mick out of Hawkeye having no powers
Stop hiding Hawkeyes arrows
Stop trying to get captain America drunk. It won't work. He can't get drunk
Don't challenge Thor to a drinking contest. You will loose
Stop performing 'panty raids'
Please stop asking Agent Colsen if he thinks captain America is gorgeous.
Stop sending captain America 'strip-o-grams'. Geez guys he's not that kind of guy
Stop sending Banner leaflets to anger management classes
No, banner will not show you his mini-hulk. Stop asking
Stop playing loud rap over the ships intercom
Stop asking agent Romanov if she likes S&M
Loki doesn't know of a famous actor called Tom Hiddleston and why you are comparing this mortal to him
No, Thor is not captain Kirks father. (Who the hell is this captain kirk anyway?!)
When all the avengers are together in their outfits stop saying that they all belong in an 80's rock group
Don't tease captain America about misunderstanding the meaning of 'fondue'
Stop stealing captain Americas shield
Stop stealing Loki's helmet
Whoever keeps on asking Pepper Potts out please stop? You're beginning to make Stark jealous.
Taking the jets out for a joyride is hereby banned
Anyone who attempts to look under Nick Fury's eye patch will be extremely sorry they did
Please stop sending fan-girls to Loki's holding cell he is traumatized as it is from the last lot.
The same goes for any of the other avengers
Stop reminding captain America that he was once a pipsqueak. He doesn't want to remember those days.
Stop sending Stark leaflets to STD tests. Your upsetting him
Stop subscribing captain America to the playboy magazine
The teseract is not a rubix cube. Stop staying that it is.
Whoever is hiding Thor's pop tarts please give them back to him, if you're interested in living
Stop playing AC/DC over the aircraft carriers comm system.
Don't ask banner to make you a Light Saber again. We have the video and it failed badly.
He won't make you a tardis either
Or warp drive
No Loki won't give you his views on screwing animals
Whoever attached a jolly roger to the back of the aircraft carrier could you please remove it?
If you get lost on the aircraft carrier please stop and ask for directions. Don't use breadcrumb trails
Do not get pick- up lines from Stark. They will land you in jail or hospital
No Dr. Banner cannot come up with a cure for extreme idiocy
Who told Thor that if you touch turtles you die? Real life is not like a game of Mario.
Do not axe-bomb peoples rooms. (Stark already does this)
Don't end a transmission with 'end of line'
Please remove the disco ball that's on the bridge
STOP SENDING HOSTILES CANDY BASKETS!
Stop asking Captain America how old he is. It upsets him
Stop asking Thor how old he is. No way that's going to happen
Stop riding Segway's down the corridor
Same goes for skateboards
And rollerblades
Stop standing in front of the mess hall and blocking Thors way saying 'You shall not pass' you will get a hammer smashing in your face
Stop giving Loki random 'Hug Attacks' (NO SERIOUSLY, STOP PLEASE)
Thor doesn't eat salad. Please stop telling the chef that he does.
Please stop the jokes about Thor dressing up as a woman. Stark already gives him a hard time about it.
And the jokes about nearly being drowned in Period blood with Loki. The others already give them both a hard time about that
A towel is not an effective weapon against the Chitowri. Please stop saying so we all know where it's from. We've all watched 'The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy'
Stop spiking peoples coffee
Stop spiking Captain Americas coffee (Refer to Rule #14)
Stop pinning signs to Thors back
No banner does not know how to make an 'improbability drive' stop asking
Who put a live monkey into Thors quarters?
No Stark is not a transformer
Nor is he Optimus Primes son
Stop attaching bells to Thors cape
If you see the hulk running towards you, RUN. Don't stand there and ask him if he wants a hug.
Stop asking Thor if you can borrow is hammer to do D.I.Y.
Don't invite Captain America to go clubbing with you. Cause he wont
Don't steal Thors shampoo
Stop asking Thor if he is a L'Oreal model
Stop calling him Th'Oreal
Can someone please ask Spiderman to remove the huge web he's made in the Rec Room
Stop using Spiderman as target practice using Hawkeyes arrows (Refer to Rule #13)
Stop driving golf balls off the Helicarrier's launch pad.
Agent Coulson's first name is Phil NOT Agent
Stop asking Stark for a huge bag of weed. Last time the weed got into a lasagne NOT good especially with Thor
Don't call Hawkeye Legolas
Stop calling Loki 'Derek The Sheep'
If Iron Man offers you water. DON'T DRINK IT. Cause he's already passed it and its been filtered in his suit (Captain America fell for that)
Don't chase spider man with a shoe
Or a newspaper
Or a slipper
Or bug spray
Don't sing the 'insey wincy spider' song around Spiderman
No the Hulk did not model for the green giant sweet corn company
Stop asking Black Widow if she is Spiderman's cousin
Don't call nick fury 'Barbosa'
Who bought him the peg leg and parrot for Christmas?
No nick fury does not own a ship called the Black Pearl
He doesn't have a pet monkey either
No Hawkeye does not have merry men and he doesn't steal from the rich and give to the needy
No Spiderman does not wear eyeliner. It's just part of his costume
Hulk shall not be named Shrek. He is not and ogre and he don't live in a swamp with a talking donkey.
When the Helicarrier's flying in the air and is invisible please don't stand on the deck when airline charters go by. Don't make the matter worse by doing a stupid dance. It's just a headache for Nick fury to explain your stupidity to the council.
When agent Coulson finished he looked up from his clipboard only to face the horrified expressions on the cadet's faces
One cadet put his hand up.
"Yes" said agent Coulson. Pointing towards the cadet
"So how did Loki give birth to an eight legged horse then?"