A/N:- "Dude, you're so whipped." An eventful christmas dinner. It's not even december yet, but i couldnt wait to get this up.
(It has come to my notice that my last fic which i deleted was too topical, and i sincerely apologize as i had no idea, i'm still new to the game, and it was only for the comedy and it in no way reflects my personal views!) (I'm referring to the one where the gang reacts to Donald Trump.)
Let's volunteer for dinner, he'd said. It could be cool, he'd said. We'd make this the most legend- wait for it- dary christmas dinner, he'd said. Now it's 7:30pm, Lily, Marshall and Ted were going to be here in an hour, and her dumbass of a husband was AWOL, leaving her with an intimidating chicken on the counter, setting her nausea off.
She jabs speed dial.
One ring, two rings-
"Go for Barney!"
"Where the HELL are you?"
"Eh, Meester Barney is who, ah, no hablo espanol?"
"Cut the crap, Stinson."
"Tch. Fine, I'm on my way." Barney groans, hailing a cab.
"I can't believe you left me alone with this, disaster." Robin says, hesitating to look at the mess on the kitchen table and frowning.
He rolls his eyes, sliding into the cab.
"Robin, i'm pretty sure you can handle a CHICKEN." He forces his voice not to squeak while thinking of the fleshy, squeamish piece of raw frozen chicken lying on the counter.
"That's the thing! I can't! It's all-confusing. I've gotta neuter the damn thing!" Robin whines, looking back to the cookbook with detailed instructions on how to clean a chicken. Barney hears a rubber snapping, which sounds suspiciously like Robin removing gloves.
"Robin?"
"Hm?"
"What kinda gloves did you put on for this thing?"
"Oh um, the black leather ones that we use for-"
"Oohhh." He groans, voice low.
If this were a cartoon, there would be a bright lightbulb flashing above Robin's head. She peeks down at her long T-shirt and shorts and smirks.
"Yeah, and i was afraid of getting my clothes dirty so i- took em off." She says, voice all sugar.
"Hngh." He supplies.
"Well, except for the dirty maid apron, but yeah. That's about it. I didn't wanna scald my lady parts. "
"STEP ON IT!" He screeches, she assumes to the driver. That ought to get him home soon.
Two seconds later, the door swings open with utmost vigor, and Barney swoops in, panting. He takes in her so not sexy appearance and narrows his eyes.
"Liar." He wheezes.
"Ditcher." She counters.
But because lying is kind of their thing, he doesn't push it further. Barney strolls toward the bedroom casually and comes out in a jiffy, throwing something near her head.
"If you want my help, S.S, then birthday suit up! Except the apron, which is like, the bow on the christmas present." He leers, sighing and seating himself on the stool near the island. He puts his chin in his palm and gazes at her raptly.
Robin rolls her eyes. She picks up the apron, ready to throw it back at him. When, another a lightbulb-
She bats her eyes, inching closer and closer to Barney, who has a predatory gleam in his eye. Puts her hand atop his thigh-
—––—–—
"You know, it can't be half as bad as we think it's gonna be!" Lily tries to reason, as the trio stand outside Barney's translucent door.
"It's Barney and Robin. They'll probably serve us raw chicken, that we'll have to cut up using lightsabers that Barney got from his 'Light Saber Guy.' " Ted tactlessly says, putting the last part in air quotes.
"Cool!" Marshall exclaims." Man, i've always wanted to use a real lightsaber!"
"Baby." Lily soothingly murmurs, pressing his arm. She turns to Ted. "Now you've got him all riled up and he's going to be REALLY disappointed if we dont get lightsabers!"
Ted simply shrugs.
"Should we knock?" Marshall asks.
"Nah. Barney gave me a key in case of emergencies. Anyway, their lights are off, so they probably went out to get the li-"
Marshall jumps.
"-the things." Ted finishes lamely.
He turns the lock on the door and pushes it open.
"GAH!"
"Ew, gross!"
"Aw man, no lightsabers?"
"GUYS." Barney whines, from his hiding place behind the island.
"I told you they'd walk in on it." He harshly whispers to Robin, who's trying hard to stifle her giggles. She picks up his robe and tosses it to him. Barney hastily wraps it around himself and huffily stands up.
"Boundaries!" He squalls.
"Consider it payback for 'accidentally' leaking the tape of us doing it last month." Robin sniggers mischeviously.
"I can't believe you're wearing a french maid costume!" Marshall barks, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Best christmas EVER!Well, second best- once your guy can figure out how to make lightsabers."
"Let it go, bro." Ted curtly says, groaning.
Barney chooses the moment between the argument to slip himself back into his uber expensive suit that Robin bought him for Christmas. He forgets about his temporary embarrassment, because he's Barney, and he looks pretty hot in a french maid costume anyway. Whatever.
"Hey guys, check it!" He exclaims, turning around, while clutching the lapels of his suit. "Pretty sweet huh?"
"Wow, look at the cut on that thing! It's D&G's newest winter collection!" Ted says, admiring it, as Lily and Marshall look on weirdly. Ted coughs.
"What? I read his blog sometimes."
"Hells to the yeah!" Robin says cheerfully. "Mama wants to dress up her pretty lil thang with the best!"
She high fives Barney.
"Dear god, there's two of them now." Lily says, in horror that's only half put on.
"The Distraction Reaction!" Marshall suddenly gasps. "Hey, we didn't forget about the costume!"
"Dude, you're so whipped." Ted laughs.
Robin doubles over into laughter again.
"This is Swarley all over again." Barney grumbles under his breath.
"Ahhhh.-" Robin sighs, wiping her eyes. "-here's the chicken."
The three stare, flabbergasted, at the perfectly done chicken, dusted with rosemary and thyme and pickled cherries.
Robin watches Ted mouth a 'what the hell', as he circles the chicken, looking at it like a pristine new building.
"Okay, lets cut this thing bitches!" Barney yells from the next room, sliding out in his Stormtrooper costume.
Marshall lets out a high pitched screaming, waving his hands about and jumping.
"LIGHTSABERS!"
"Merry Christmas, Marshall." Robin says warmly, handing him one with a bright red bow on it.
Lily growls.
"If i lose an eyebrow, Canada-" she mumbles, and Barney yells, "Think fast!"
Lily catches the box.
"For me?"
"Open it."
"An eyebrow and eyeshadow set!" She gleefully announces.
"Incase you DO lose an eyebrow. P.S, thats the newest MAC collection."Robin quips, obviously proud of her choice.
"Oh, we didn't forget about you, Teddy boy. Here." Barney hands him a slip of paper.
Ted reads it, squinting, and looks back him, eyes watery.
"Hawaii?"
"For you and your Mosby spawns." Barney grins, nudging him.
"We know this past year has been hard on you and the kids-" Robin starts, and she's cut off by a huge hug.
"I love you guys."
"Lets eat!"
"Marshall. You get first cut."
"Marshall?"
Marshall looks up sniffling. "I just- this-i'm so overwhelmed, and-" he lifts up his lightsaber, pointing to it.
"Oh, Lily, get your pregnant wife, and cut the damn chicken." Barney says, rolling his eyes, but fighting a smile.
Two hours later, Barney sits on the couch, feet up, working his way through pumpkin pie.
"Oh, i sent everyone home with pictures of your costume!" Robin calls from the bathroom.
"Wha- how?" He stutters.
"Overhead cameras beyotch." Robin retorts, padding back out into the hall.
"Ohhh, i'm gonna get you back, Scherbatsky." He growls.
"Mhmm, yeah totally." She nods.
"Oh, and, how cool is it that no one noticed the the box we bought the chicken from the store huh? Deception five!" He holds his hand up.
She undoes her robe. The red ribbon strategically wrapped around Robin's body is enough for Barney to forgo the high five, a rare doing.
"Best Christmas ever." He whimpers, pulling the loose part of the ribbon.
Robin laughs, the sound echoing through the house as she kisses him.