Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters, so don't sue me!
(joky warning)Warning: I DON'T LIKE RELENA
(real warning)Warning: Don't use the drunken antics as an example of how you should behave at a party. Also yaoi (boy/boy sex) will make an appearance in this fic.
Pairings:1x2 3x4 5xS
Plot: A formal dinner party, hosted by Relena in the hopes of getting Heero, ends in chaos when the former Princess of the world goes a bit over board with the alcohol.
One shot
The room was a picture of elegance, as was the hostess. Candles threw flickering shadows up the walls, and the flames were mimicked in the shining cherry wood panelling. In the centre of the room was a large, oval shaped table, a large, lace, tablecloth keeping the wood from getting damaged.
There were five places set at the table, and a name card had been carefully positioned on each plate, to show who was sitting where. The cutlery gleamed, and a chandelier reflected the light from the candles, causing it to bounce around the room in different directions.
The hostess was wearing a tight, green silk creation. The skirts had been arranged to fall in a demure style, and her glove covered hands were clasped delicately in her lap.
Relena Peacecraft raised her lashes, flashing a 'seductive' glance towards Heero who was sat next to her. He missed her subtle flirting though, as he was too busy glaring angrily at the boy sitting diagonally across from him. Duo grinned in reply, cheerfully flicking his braid over his shoulder.
Despite wearing a tux, Duo managed to look as unorthodox as ever. His tie was undone, draped round his neck for show more than anything, and the top two buttons of his shirt was also undone, showing the strong column of his throat, and his collarbone to anyone who cared to look.
Quatre snorted at Duo's antics, knowing the reason behind Heero's glare, and privy to the emotional undercurrents that were going on. His snort soon turned into a smothered gasp, as his boyfriend, Trowa, slid his hand up Quatre's thigh under the table.
Trowa chuckled as Quatre flushed a bright red and looked down at the tabletop, playing nervously with his cutlery as he tried to ignore what Trowa was doing.
Relena was getting annoyed that Heero still wasn't paying attention to her, and wanted to get the party started so she could tease Heero with the seductive way she ate her food.
"Where are Sally and Wufei, we were meant to have started an hour ago!"
Everybody turned to look at her when she suddenly blurted it out. Except for Duo, he was sat all alone on the opposite side of the table from the others, with Sally and Wufei's seats empty on either side of him, and he had a perfectly good view of Relena as it was.
"That's it, we will just have to start without them then. Hian, send in the first course will you?" As Hian bowed and began to exit the chamber, Relena looked at Heero. Seeing he was boredly studying how sharp his knife was, and not paying any attention to her, she desperately cast around for ideas.
"And bring in all of the wine we have, while you're at it!"
Hian looked briefly surprised and opened his mouth as though to comment, before closing it and bowing again and exiting.
Duo perked up at the mention of alcohol, his violet eyes brightening with anticipation.
Over the course of the next three hours, the group picked at their courses, and glugged bottle after bottle of wine from the crates Hian had returned with earlier.
Their first course had been a meagre shrimp salad, which did little to line their stomachs in preparation for the alcohol they consumed at the same time.
Their second course also did very little to help, being as it was some weird liver dumpling thing. Nobody liked it much, except for Relena, but even she picked at it, seeing how she wanted to lose weight to attract Heero.
The result of this was that they were all incredibly sloshed, even Heero.
Just then Relena slurred something that seemed particularly heinous to a very drunk Duo, who in turn told her she was 'a very naughty girl', and sent her to sit in the corner.
Using his napkin Duo somehow managed to keep himself steady enough to roll it into an impromptu cone hat, and with the pen Trowa had managed to produce out of thin air, he scrawled on a rough 'L' shape.
Relena then went and sat in a corner, with the hat on her head. Like in the old days when kids in classrooms were made to do the same. Duo wasn't as mean as they were back then, and allowed her to take her own collection of bottles of wine - not yet drunk - to indulge herself with.
Quatre and Trowa were indulging in a very heavy, drink fueled, make-out session, and Heero decided he wanted to do the same with Duo.
Only, as usual, the 'Perfect Soldier' had to go one further. After lunging across the table and snogging Duo senseless, Heero then proceeded to rip all of Duo's clothes off, intent on ravishing him on the dinner table.
Duo recovered enough to realise what Heero was doing, and stopped him with his hand.
"Heero, I schought you didn't want the othersch to know about usss? Beshides, we're at a dinner party!"
Pulling free from Duo's hands, Heero leaned down and placed a kiss on Duo's lips.
"I don't care anymore! I want you, right here, right now, and schrhew what the othersch think!!"
Duo seemed to accept that, but just as Heero was about to continue he yet again found himself stopped by Duo's hands.
"What?"
"We don't have any lubricant…"
Pausing, Heero looked wildly about the table they were leaning against, his drunken eyes landing on something that looked likely to work.
Reaching towards the middle of the table, Heero wrapped his hand around the slab of butter he'd spied, and proceeded to rub it against their skin.
"Heero, what are you doing? Is that…burter?! What do you expect to do with bushtter?"
Calmly shoving Duo's hands away as he tried to grab the butter, Heero continued to rub it against their heated flesh.
"Buschter turns to liquid when it heshts, yesh? Our bodiey heat rissses when we get excited. Thereafore I am ushing our body heat to melt the busrter, which I can then ushe as lubricantay."
"Oh."
Seeing the logic in what he'd said, Duo nodded dumbly into Heero's buttery chest.
Despite being piss drunk Heero's theory actually proved correct.
While they were doing this, Relena, Duo's love rival, had emptied all of her bottles of wine, and was vomiting in the corner, her cone hat knocked eschew.
Heero and Duo had just finished expressing their love for each other, on top of Relena's very expensive, very delicate lace, which is now ruined forever more. They were cuddling together on the ruins of the tablecloth, butter still trickling down their bodies from where they had joined.
By now Relena had finished being sick, and had fallen asleep, curled up in her own puddle of vomit, her snores creating ripples in the liquid.
Trowa and Quatre were on the verge of passing out from lack of oxygen, yet both of them were determined not to give in first. And the chandelier which hung above the table had been turned into a clothes horse, with various articles of Heero and Duo's outfit hanging off of its branches.
That is the scene Sally and Wufei walked in on a moment later.
They stood framed in the doorway for a minute, dressed in all their finery, unflappably surveying the damage, although Wufei's eyebrow did raise slightly at the butter. Then Wufei calmly turned to Sally.
"I told you we'd be late."
Well? Funny or not funny? Did I rush it too much? If I did don't blame me, noo, blame miss angelvampyr and college for not giving me enough hours in a night!
Sorry angelvampyr - just kidding. R+R please.