You don't know pain until you've been dropkicked by Haruhi Suzumiya.
I lay completely still on the floor, trying not to concentrate on my sudden pounding headache, as Haruhi loomed over me, glaring at me like I was a steaming dog turd.
"Let that be a lesson to you, Kyon... don't sneak up on me when I'm conducting official brigade business!"
"Official brigade business? You were... agh... dressing yourself in a bunnygirl suit."
And she was. Nagato-san had given me a stack of papers and directed me to bring them to Haruhi, so I found the room she was in, knocked on the door, and came in. The words "Oi, Haruhi" were barely out of my mouth when I saw her in a skimpy red one-piece swimsuit and a pair of bunny-ears, pulling a black single-leg hose up her right leg. She snapped her head up to look at me, angrily as usual, and leaped up into the air. The telltale cry of "ZUBAAAAN!" sounded, and before I knew it, I was face down on the ground, dribbling my own blood and simply asking why.
"Well... you should have knocked!"
"But I did. I rapped... on the door so hard... oof... it made my fist hurt. You think I'm stupid enough to sneak up on you, of all people?"
"Oh? Well... then... wait for me to come out next time!" And with that, she snapped her head to the side, turned around, and went back to her "official brigade business."
Well, I thought to myself, at least it can't get any worse than this. You ever notice how things always take a turn for the worse when you say, or even think that?
The last thing you ever want to hear when you're lying on the ground, bleeding, aching, and contemplating your painful existence, is exactly what I heard next.
"PfffffftAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kyon! You should see yourself, nyoro! Haruhi dropkicked you and you're bleeding like nuts! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Tsuruya, who happened to be in the other room, had suddenly decided that the spectacle at hand was much more entertaining than what was happening on Ly St at the moment, so she came over to watch me. And, of course, laugh at the sight. Talk about adding insult to injury...
"Ugh... Tsuruya... why do you laugh so much?"
"Hmm? Why?" She put her finger to her chin, looked upward, and simply said after a while, "I guess I haven't thought of it too much, nyoro."
"Alright. Well, tell me when you figure it out, alright?"
"Alright, nyoro."
With that, I began to pick myself up off the ground... and fell right back down as my arms gave way. She had kicked me REALLY hard.
Why do I laugh so much? Of course I know why, but I don't like to talk about it.
I don't remember much before I woke up. Knockout drugs will do that to your memory. A strong right hand gripping my own and hoisting it above my head, a strong left muzzling me with a sweet-smelling shop rag, a brief struggle, enveloping blackness, and that's all. When I woke up and from then on was different; I remember it with vivid detail. I was so groggy I couldn't even open my eyes, my head throbbed, my mouth was filled with a sharp, bitter taste, and my stomach turned constantly. At first I thought I had gotten drunk somehow, but as I began to come to, I remembered how I had gotten where I was. My feet were cold, that was the next thing I noticed. I had ended up barefoot somehow. Maybe whoever had done this to me had taken my shoes off for some reason. Then I noticed that I was tied up.
My right leg was free to move, but my left leg was stuck in an upward position. Pulling on it caused my wrists to pull backwards, and the rattling of chains told me that I wasn't getting any of those three limbs back for the time being. In hindsight, at least the leather straps were somewhat comfortable. To finish it all off and ensure that I wouldn't scream for help, my captor had taken a bandanna, rolled it into a thin strip, and stuffed it in my mouth, knotting it up behind my head. I tested it a few ways-talking, yelling, screaming-but nothing could get loud enough to attract the attention of anyone who might have been in front of the tall curtain I was behind. That is, except for my captor, who came in about that time.
"Ah, finally awake, I see."
"Mmm..." I was so terrified at this point, I started to cry a bit. I didn't know who this man was or what he wanted to do with me.
"Hold on a second, let me just make sure there isn't anybody else around. But I'll be back, my sweet." With that, he was gone. I laid there, rattling the chains around and trying to squirm out of the leather bands before he could have his way with me, when the report came on.
"We interrupt this program for an urgent warning. Katsuro Chiyoko, a mental patient, has just escaped from the Shady Sakura asylum. Chiyoko is 30 years old, 186 centimeters in height, and is very muscular. He has an extreme fetish for human feet, specifically those of attractive young women, and has broken into 5 houses already, for the bizarre purpose of subduing and tickling women. While this is not particularly dangerous, he is still potentially dangerous. If you see him, report to the authorities as soon as possible. That is all."
"So, I'm on the news already..." he chuckled as he walked back in. "News travels fast, huh?"
"Mmm... nmm..." He reached down and un-gagged me. "Please... why are you doing this?"
"Didn't you hear? If you were listening to the report, you should know what I'm going to do next." With that, he pulled out a long, tan feather, probably synthetic or from a duck of some sort.
"No... please, don't..." My eyes teared up even faster as I shook the chains around more quickly and kicked my right foot, which was soon grabbed by his left hand and hoisted upwards.
"My last victim broke the lower-right quadrant off my hogtie chain, but I don't mind holding your foot in place for now."
"No, don't! Please! I don't want to be tic-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Despite my protests, he had begun, and none too slowly. In fact, I might have been amazed at how quickly he was running the tip of the feather along the sole of my foot if I wasn't in hysterics at the moment.
"Ah, sweet laughter... I love how it sounds. It's why I do something as risky as ungagging my victims before I begin. Muffling it is no fun at all."
"PLEASE STOPAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO AHAHAHAHAHAHA MORE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
But he didn't. As much as I begged and pleaded with him in between my loud, forced cries of laughter, he went on and on. All I could do was shake my head, wring my hands around, and shift my free foot from side to side as my breath grew less and my tears and sweat grew more.
I forget how long it went on, because it seemed only like an eternity to me. I felt the feather lift away from my foot, much to my relief, and the hand drop away from my ankle.
"Aha... ahahahaha... ahahaha..."
"Best to let you rest for now. Wouldn't want such a delicate flower like you to suffocate, now would we?"
"Bast... ahahaha... bastard..."
"I love you too." Quietly chuckling to himself, he sat down, leaned against a wall and put his hands behind his head. I sat there, my head down against the ground, panting for breath and laughing again occasionally. It was a few more minutes before the door broke down and a multitude of booted feet stomped into the room, carrying a group of quick, angry voices with them.
"Well, it appears the police are here," he said as the curtain was thrown aside by an officer who commanded Chiyoko to stand up and put his hands behind his head. Another officer quickly rushed in and hastily untied me while the first buckled Chiyoko into a straightjacket.
"Are you hurt, ma'am?"
"Not at all."
"Alright. Here, let me help you up." He grabbed my arm and softly lifted me off the ground. It was hard to stand, as I had been straining both my legs the entire time I was there, but I managed to stay standing. Leaning on a desk, I looked right into the eyes of my captor, the man who had drugged me, tied me up and tortured me for his own sick purposes.
And you know what I did next?
"PfffffffftBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Arrested! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Locked in a straightjacket by the police, nyoro!"
Tsuruya rarely more sense then a Picasso painting, but the group of words she had suddenly decided to shout were simply baffling.
"Oi, what are you talking about this time?" I demanded as I slowly picked myself off the ground, managing to stand this time.
"Um... it was something I saw on a TV show last night, nyoro! It was hilarious!"
If it was somebody else, I would've inquired more, demanding that a person being taken to an asylum is the farthest thing from funny. But then again, it was Tsuruya, so I just left it at that and walked off. Besides, I desperately needed some aspirin.