Notes:
A special piece - I wish you will guess who's pov is this.
Song used: Kortez Old Trees.
Warning - implied suicide.
Tell me
That it's okay
And tell me
That you're mine
Forgive me
When I'm not coming back
On days like this, when rain is calmly drumming on the window I can clearly see your frozen eyes focused on something far away. I still remember the special smell of your coffee. You never told me how you made it so good.
On days like this my own coffee gets cold as I'm staring at the empty space that used to be shared with you. Almost touchable there is still hanging in the air forgotten shadow of your arms hugging your favorite cup. I never talked myself up to put it in the cupboard. It's left just like you put it last time you used it. Everything is If I'm perfectly honest. Even me.
On days like this I miss you terribly.
Wait
I try
I almost can
I almost feel
Only you
Know how much is needed
To grow into ground like old trees
Sometimes (all the time) I wonder why it must have ended like it did. From the beginning we always hurt each other's and you always wanted to beat me. Even in the smallest things, you just wanted to win. Sometimes I wonder if you did it to make me lose once and for all, just to prove you can take everything from me. Well, congratulations – you were right. I lost to you. I lost. You.
I had a habit of promising everything to everyone. I promised to protect you from the world almost hundred times. I promised to repair this one hanger in the bathroom (I never did, I won't say I'm sorry). I promised to take you to the cinema so you would comment on everything with snarky humor. I even bought the tickets. Now I'm going to every movie premiere just to spite you. Never broke any meaningful promises I made to you. Really. I promised to love you – that I want to believe still do (It's just so much harder to even take a breath to say your name).
I promised to protect you from them, stupid me, I never thought to protect you from yourself.
It's getting easier to not think about you. I regret the most loosing picture perfect memory of your fierce eyes. Somehow in all memories I recollected it's missing – that fire, like part of you is no longer there. I didn't believe when you told me you're feeling empty. I repeated mostly to myself (I'm sure you were not listening) it's going to pass. Fool I was, thinking somehow my own empty heart can fulfill yours. I should have seen it coming. Really, you were not that subtle.
"I love you." How many times I confessed to you? Thousands. It's my only consolation thinking that at the very least you knew you had my heart. ( You still have what's left of it.) But you were always loved. More than loyalty, fear, death, you were always loved for the very selfish reason to have you alive. And I too loved you, but as all things I loved, you dropped from my hands the more I tried cling to you.
We didn't say goodbye. (I'm not counting this cheap letter you left behind.) Good, It could have been a disaster. Because you were too eager to go, when I would never let you leave. Somehow our last conversation was so meaningless I blame you for that. "Remember your notes." "Well thank you, mum. See you later." There was no later. I tried to think about more meaningful conversations we could have had. I came with nothing. Because nothing would convince you not to do it, right? Or, is it just my poor excuse for not saving you.
For so long I was so angry at you. I still am. Because you gave up. Because you gave me up. And It turns my vision red to know you chose death over me. And that you claimed to love me, only to leave me.
You asked for the forgiveness – in this letter you left behind. (I've read it million times.)
There's just too much to forgive. Then every day I forget you more and more, I almost forgive you. I know I will. And I will ask you to forgive me too.
When we meet again – I will still tell you that I love you. Maybe this time it will finally be enough.
Maybe someday
I will believe you
I will be grateful
I will be needed
I will protect you
I will know
And I will be strong
As old trees
Just wait a moment
Just wait…