A/N: Hey guyyyyssss, I haven't written in a while, so this may seem ew, but thanks for reading anyway and I really hope you enjoy. That being said, there may be many mistakes, so I wanna apologize for that real quick, instead of looking like an idiot cause I think I'm that good...pffffffft yeaa right...you probably aren't even reading this -_-
A/N: I also wanna say that...I WANT MORE ROLIVIA FICS! So even if you think it's silly, write it down, let other people see your art, and if you think you're terrible, don't let that stop you, because there are so many people here that can help! Some of the best writers had to start from somewhere right,? So if you have some Rolivia on you're mind, share with us, or give people prompts! ANYTHING! LOL
A/N: I'll shut up now XXD read and...if you wanna...you know...review...but...only if you wanna XXD
-whatusedtobe
And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me
Amanda sighed as she walked into the Sergeant's office, seating herself down on the chair, her eyes cold and distant, her composure seemed tense and firm, like she knew what she was doing, but her mind was all over the place, her emotions causing her to have a raging headache, her heart slowly and murderously thumping forcefully against her chest, her palms in her lap were still and clammy, her back tense with regret - regret she was already starting to feel creep up her spine. She let out a shaky breath before her resolve went back up, keeping tears at bay.
She was going to do it - she had to. She had to ask to be transferred to a different unit, she couldn't take it anymore, the heart wrenching ache she felt every day her cool blue eyes connected with dark brown eyes, the self-pity once she realized that she would never get what her heart desired, the self-loathing as she would stay sitting as she walked out hand in hand with him, the continuous daydreaming as she thought of what their lives could be, how wonderful it would be to wake up with firm and protective olive skinned arms wrapped around her frame, to feel the hot breath hit the back of her ear as she whispered good morning. She couldn't take it anymore, all it ever lead to was her self destruction, and she had realized that she needed to stop to move on. That's why she sat in that chair at that moment, because she reasoned that she had to do something good for herself, before there was no coming back and she spiraled down a deep abyss she could never crawl back up from.
"Rollins, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were waiting." Olivia Benson said, her voice expressing her surprise and confusion, her eyes raking over the blonde's figure, noticing the tense and anxious posture. Olivia walked to her desk, placing her mug of coffee on the desk, scooting her chair back and sitting down, taking off her blazer and straightening her shirt, her eyes now on Amanda, profiling the other woman, her eyes expressing her curiosity and worry.
"It's okay." Amanda said, her eyes avoiding the other woman's, her voice hard and distant, her back becoming just a bit more straight, her muscles tightening, her jaw squaring.
"Can I help with something?" Olivia said, her voice drastically different from the other, knowing that what the other woman was doing was a defense mechanism, but Liv wasn't sure why the blonde was on high alert. Olivia folded her hands and laid them on top of her desk, leaning forward, her eyes on the other woman's face, looking for any way to sneak around her wall, but she saw none.
"I'm requestin' a transfer." Amanda replied, her behavior constant and stoic, her hard eyes looking up to connect with the older woman, her heart clenching at the sad and surprised look in her eyes, her emotions raging inside her mind. She almost sighed, but simply kept silent, awaiting for the other woman to continue.
"May I ask why?" Olivia whispered, her shock still present.
I'd never ask you cause deep down
I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry believe me
I love you but not in that way
"I just think special victims isn't for me anymore."Amanda gave a nonchalant shrug, her eyes avoiding brown ones for a few seconds. Her heart begged her to take it back, to smile and laugh loudly and say she was joking, to awkwardly walk out with a small silly smile on her face, but her mind stopped her. She was doing it, she was so close, she just needed to make sure her heart didn't interrupt, didn't keep her in her misery. She tapped her thumb against her jean clad thigh, the action being a nervous tick she always spotted a minute too late.
"I-" Liv began, but stopped, staring at the other woman, doubt filling her own eyes as she searched blue, hoping to find anything, but came up blank. Olivia cleared her voice and spoke again, her voice somewhat shaky, causing Amanda to almost gasp before she berated her feelings for hoping, "Are you sure this i-is something you've thought through? I mean, you haven't been her long and you're considered part of this team..."
There was silence, Amanda's tapping got more persistent, her body becoming rigid, her heart beating violently against her chest, her breathing was now somewhat irregular, but not enough for the other woman to notice. She had to go through with this, she couldn't take another day with the woman clouding her thoughts, she was so done with feeling so down and stressed. She needed this, she reasoned, and once she was away, she would feel ten times better, and she would thank herself for this later, but she needed to leave.
She needed to save herself, to put herself first for once. She needed to stop thinking about how other people would feel if she did something for herself. this was her life, and she wanted to be selfish for once - she didn't want to think of all the victims she would never get to help, to think how Fin would feel about her transfer, she didn't want to think what others would think. She was done, and was determined to go through with this - just this once, even if it killed her.
"I have," Amanda said, her voice hardening, her mind made up, "and I need the transfer."
And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependant
I'm such a fool
"Amanda," Olivia whispered, her eyes widening, her hands parting as she placed them on top of her desk, pinning a couple case files underneath them, using them as leverage to push herself up and come sit next to the blonde.
Amanda cursed herself, hating how the closeness of the other detective caused her heart to beat erratically against her chest and the butterflies in her stomach to stir, flash of hot air warming her body, the smell of the other woman's perfume drifting up her nose, her head becoming light headed. She hated how her body responded to the other woman, she hated how she waited for that light and dizzy feeling every day, how she tried to find a way to be near the woman. She hated how she felt a rush course through her system when the woman touched her, how her day could brighten just by seeing her. She was a fool, an idiot, really; she hated that she would follow the other woman around when they were partnered together, she hated the way that she craved for anything that had to do with Olivia.
When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth
Amanda thought over her situation like she knew she would, searching for the key to her decision, but when she thought about the days Liv wasn't there, when she entered the pit early in the morning and would find the light of Olivia's office off and how her smile slipped off her face, how her mood would change, how depressed she got until she saw the other woman stride into the pit, confidence and sophistication coming off of her like air. Amanda had noticed the way other detectives acted when Olivia stepped into the room - hell, when she walked passed them. They would stand straighter, hold their head up high, would follow any orders given with a firm nod. Hell, Amanda had noticed how she would change, how she would smile instantly, how her heart skipped a beat, how her stomach fluttered, how she jumped to attention, hanging on to any and every word that fell from plump lips.
She hated when the older woman wasn't there, and that simple fact caused her to harden her eyes and say, "Liv, I've made up my mind."
You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes
Liv stared at her, searching her eyes, looking for anything that could give Amanda away, to prove that the blonde was kidding, that they were playing a prank on her. She didn't want to see another one of her detectives leave, and Amanda was a damn good one. Olivia thought she would have last longer, she thought she could keep this team together, but she was failing. She knew that there were people who were going to come and go, damn she knew she needed to leave one day, but she didn't think she'd be losing someone so quickly.
Amanda did the same as Liv, she stared at chocolate eyes, and saw how they were guarded, but looked at her with sadness, but that was the thing, that's all that there was - sadness. That's another thing that made her decision more definite, not easier - not by far - but it gave Amanda some closure.
There was nothing there.
I'd never ask you
Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way
"I hate to see you go, Rollins, but if you need to..." Liv trailed off, standing and going back to sit behind her desk, looking down at her papers after she took one last look at the blonde, a sympathetic look crossing her face.
"I-is there anything else we need to discuss, or..."Amanda trailed off, keeping tears at bay, trying to ignore the crushing feeling in her stomach when she saw how easily Olivia had given up on her. This was for her, she needed this if she thought of ever coming out alive, or at least breathing. She needed to be far away, she needed this if she wanted to be able to breathe. This way may be painful, but it would be faster, faster than following her around like a love sick puppy, faster than seeing herself get stuck, never being able to pull herself off as she thought about her with him. She needed this, and there's no going back anymore.
"Um, I'll need you to come fill out some paper work tomorrow morning and then you'll keep going as normal for a week or two and then we'll hear from the department and see where we'll place you next." Olivia said, giving her a small smile, nodding as Amanda stood.
"Thank you, sergeant." Amanda said heading for the door.
"And Rollins?" Olivia said, stopping Amanda from turning around to face the door.
"Yea, Benson?" Amanda asked, her tone still firm, never letting anything out in the open.
"Good luck, I hope you know what you're doing." Amanda nodded her head before she turned, her resolve crumbling; once she walked out that door, there was no going back. She knew that she would regret never getting any actual closure, but she could see it, Olivia never loved her, never would love her, and with that simple thought she reached for the door handle. She felt as if her hand burned on impact, but instead of letting go, she turned it and walked out of the office, her heart beating wildly against her chest, her stomach churning, and her mind raging with emotion, but she felt lighter, even if she regrets it in her future, she felt lighter, she felt like she was getting hope again. She wiped the stray tear and put up her facade again, going back to work, thinking, 'this is for me.'