-disclaimers go here, but I'm too lazy to type them out-
"Remind me again why I'm doing this?" Heath clutched his arms to his chest, shivering in the cool January weather. His eyes shifted back and forth, making sure a certain thief couldn't see his… appearance. Alihi sighed, annoyed that she would have to explain once again what was going on.
"It's for bloodynaked… now, please Heath. Smile for the camera." Heath paled; he knew the dangers of photography, after a certain deal Matthew and Legault had. The wyvern rider shuttered at the memory.
"Hell no. No one is going to see me like this. No one."
"Aw… Heath, are you saying I'm no one?" The tactician said, hurt laced in her voice. Heath sighed, and held up his hands in defeat; no one liked a sad Alihi. That lead to anger or depression, and then there would be trouble. A lot of trouble.
"… Fine. One, and only one picture." Alihi grinned.
"Okay. But first, I need to go get Legault." The wyvern rider nearly screamed his head off hearing the name "Legault".
"Wh-why?!"
"Because I need someoneto wear a tuxedo, and no one else is willing." Heath groaned; he already knew the lavender-haired thief would never let the moment die. No, he would use this as blackmail to torture Heath for the rest of his life. (Not that he wouldn't like the torture... but then again, if Legault knew, then who knows what would happen. And that's why Heath's a closet masochist.) Alihi skipped back over to Heath, Legault following close behind.
"Okay, Legault, stand next to Heath, will you?"
"I have to admit," The wyvern rider thought to himself as Legault leisurely strolled to his side. "He does look amazing in the tuxedo." The thief grinned at the wyvern rider, and snickered.
"Nice dress, Heath."
"Shut up, Legault."
"Look over here, you two!" The two men obeyed, Legault picking up Heath and holding him in his arms, causing the latter to turn bright red.
"Smile!" Click. Alihi grinned, staring at the picture that was taken.
"Thank you, you two! Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go for a while. Tell Eliwood he's in charge." The tactician held her hand up in the air, mumbling words that sound vaguely like, "Pop! Goes the Weasel".
"TO MAGVEL!"
And with that, the tactician disappeared in a veil of smoke, leaving a confused Heath and Legault standing there, frozen and wondering how the hell they get stuck with such a strange tactician.
--
Unfortunately for the tactician from Elibe, she landed right in the desert, during a battle. Fortunately, she landed right next to the people she needed.
"Innes! Ephraim!" The two heirs jumped at the sound of their names, and turned around, to see the strange green-garbed girl. It took a few seconds for the two heirs to think of something to say; eventually, Innes spoke.
"… Who the hell are you, and where did you come from?"
"I'm Alihi! And I come from a land you never heard of and probably never will but who knows because sometimes Fire Emblem is strange, especially about time and stuff like- eep!" Alihi stopped in mid-ramble, due to a steel lance being pointed at her throat. Ephraim glared.
"And you expect us to believe that? How do we know that you aren't from Grado?" Alihi blinked.
"… Because if I was, I would be attacking Innes right now, because everyone knows that archers and snipers cannot fight close range. Unless you hack, but that's kind of dumb…" Ephraim lowered the lance and stared at Innes, who in return shrugged, both not understanding the tactician's words.
"Anyways… why are you here, Alihi?" Alihi grinned.
"Innes and Ephraim, I am on a journey to get gifts for bloodynaked. And through extensive research, I found out that he likes you two together!" The lords' reactions were expected; both blushing, Innes remaining silent and Ephraim stuttering.
"Wh-what in the world are you talking about?!" Alihi smiled, holding back laughter.
"Oh, come on, don't deny it… and anyways, all I request is a picture of you two kissing."
"NO FREAKING WAY." The aqua-haired lord shouted, causing a few soldiers to turn their heads, curious about the outburst. With a dismissive hand gesture from Innes, the others continued fighting. The sniper turned and spoke.
"… And why does this 'bloodynaked' person want this picture?" She sighed lightly; what was with it with characters in this fan-fiction and their forgetfulness of reasons?
"It's a birthday present."
"And what do we get out of this?"
"If you don't do this, I won't leave and I will explain things that will make your mind explode just thinking about it."
"… Fine."
---
"…Innes?"
"Yes, Ephraim?"
"Why in the world did we agree to her demands?"
"… You heard what she said. She'll make our minds explode by knowledge."
"Do you honestly think she can do that?"
"… It seems anything is possible with that weird person."
"Innes! Ephraim! Are you ready?" The two lords groaned.
"Ready as we'll ever be… I guess." Alihi sighed at Ephraim's response.
"Be more enthusiastic."
"That wasn't part of the deal!"
"It is now!"
"… Evil tactician. She's a worse tactician than you are, Innes!"
"… Can it, Ephraim." Alihi and Innes glared at each other, accusing the other of stealing their word choice.
"Stop it."
"No, you stop first."
"DAMN IT, STOP."
"… This is amusing.
"SHUT UP, EPHRAIM." After whining to Innes for fifteen minutes about Alihi's mean-ness, despite the fact that Innes said the same thing, Ephraim spoke.
"… So, what do we do?" Alihi grinned.
"Ephraim, lean against that wall. Innes, hold one of his hands, and rest the other on his hip. No, wait…" The tactician paused, rethinking her ideas.
"Ephraim, stay with your back to the wall. Innes, use your hand to brace yourself, and place your head right… there."
"WAIT! THIS ISN'T KISSING!"
"Hush, Ephraim. Besides, I know you'll enjoy it still." Innes' words made the lance-wielder turn bright pink.
"… Continuing on. Ephraim, put your hands where ever you feel is natural. That's good. And Innes… start biting."
And so it began. Ephraim leaned his head back, moaning softly as Innes bit and sucked by his jugular. In response, the sniper added more pressure, coaxing more sounds out of the other lord.
The two were so into the moment, they didn't notice Alihi taking more than one picture, snickering, and running off, shouting something about eBay and becoming rich; she was definitely satisfied.
---
"… And that's how I got you these incredible pictures!" Alihi grinned.
"Don't you love Heath and Legault? They look just like newly-weds… …Heath looked a little too good in that wedding dress, don't 'cha think?
"And Ephraim and Innes… oh man, that just amazingly sexy to watch live.
"Well, I hate to give you the gift and run, but I have to! Once Ephraim, Innes, and Heath find out about their fame… well…" She laughed nervously, staring over her shoulder.
"… Bye! And happy birthday!" And with that, the tactician ran off, leaving everyone she passed wondering why in the world she was running towards an enraged sniper, lord, and wyvern rider.
… That's a story for another time.