The Very Secret Diary of Mal
by Edme McCormic
Chapter One
Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.
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Day One
Got my browncoat in the mail today. It was really rather exciting. Those postal carries really can take the lead out when they want to. Got here in next to no time.
It fits just like it was made for me, and maybe that is because it was. Oh well, it don't matter cause it was freakin' amazing. Now I just gotta get a gun and learn to shoot, and I will be ready for this gorram war.
Day Five
Gorrammit! I can't get this whole shootin' thing down. I try, and try, but I never get any better. They say I need patience, but I need somethin' more. I need a miracle. Wonder if God answers prayers about learnin' how to shoot your enemies dead? My preacher says it is blasphemous, but I think it is more blasphemous to let the gorram purple bellies take over the gorram 'verse.
We'll see what he thinks after the gorram purple bellies take over, and he is forced to shack up with a bunch a other fellas... Never mind...
Day Twenty Eight
I can shoot now! I can shoot real good now! I'm so excited that I get to go off to war now! Good bye pathetic existence, hello glory of battle! I am so ready for this! I am gonna work my way up the ranks and become a captain, or a general, or whatever the highest rank is. I'm going to kill more purple bellies than I can count! It is going to be great!
Day Ninety Four
I LOVE WAR! It is so ruttin' fun! Killin' guys, leadin' guy, all of it is just amazin'. Worked my way up to Sargent in only like... well... however many days it has been since my last entry.
Got some good men with me too, and this one fine lookin' lady. Her name is Zoe, and I swear to God she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She is an amazon, and can kill like I have never seen someone kill before. Course she is all business, an' I ain't never seen her smile. Course she is just as pretty without smilin'.
Day One Hundred Forty Three
Gotta love Tracy! That kid is hi-larious!
We have this ruttin' son of a whore above us who don't care about nothin' sides the fur on his face, an' would see us all die before he would shave that ruttin' thing off. Well Tracy, the son of a bitch that he is, decided to shave the ruttin' thing off as a joke! Shaved it off, and then wore the gorram thing right in front of the old man! Got some balls that one does!
When our commanding officer saw that I know he just wanted to shoot Tracy right there where he stood. Wouldn't blame him though. I would be just as mad if I was so attached to somethin' growin' off my face. I swear he loves that thing more than any normal person loves a woman or a child.
Day One Hundred Seventy Eight
Tracy almost got killed today. There was a huge battle, and the gorram guy was eatin' beans! Almost got shot, but Zoe saved his sorry ass. Kinda sad though cause I really coulda used his beans. Woulda tasted real good too. Damn.
Anyway, the battle went real good. Got to kill a shit load a purple bellies, and that just makes my day all kinds of worth while. To bad the fighting is over for today though cause I could really go for some killing right about now. Awe well, there is always the next battle.
Day Two Hundred Ninety Five
Battles after battles, and now it is over. I thought it was going to go on forever, and now that it isn't going on forever I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I was going to fight those ruttin' purple bellies till the day I died. Didn't even get a year fightin' 'em either. So coulda done good with a year. War woulda turned in our favor if I woulda had a year to slaughter all those gorram alliance bastards.
Don't know what I am going to do without a war to fight in. I have no purpose now that it is over. Hot chick is going to stay with me though, and that is always a plus. Might find a way to get her to marry me, and pop out a couple of babies for our ranch.
What am I talkin' about? I don't want a ranch, I don't want a bunch of kids, I hate kids. No, I want to fight more ruttin' purple bellies. I will find a way to get them even if the war is over.
Day Four Hundred Fifty One
I found it! I took me a long ruttin' time, but I finally found a way to keep the hot chick with me, and to keep fighting the battle. Don't get to kill them with this new plan, but I do get to stab them in the ruttin' back... In a non-lethal way of course, damn.
All right, I will let you in on the plan. I am going to buy this ship that I found, get her fixed up, and then I am going to run a smuggling crew! It is possibly the best plan I have had since joining up with the Independents. I can't wait to tell the hot chick.
Day Four Hundred Fifty Two
She doesn't share my enthusiasm for the new work. Ok, she does, just not for my ship. She thinks it is a piece of junk. All right, I will give her that, but once we get this beauty fixed up, and running she will be the best gorram ship in the sky. I can see it now. More work than we can handle, money flowing into our hands from the rich who will hire us out for whatever they need, and a crew that will love and cherish the ground that I walk upon. It will be beautiful and it will be all mine.
Just wait and see. It will happen.
Day Four Hundred Sixty Five
Found a mechanic who is going to fix up our ship, and a pilot that, besides his looks, is going to fly us across the sky. The mechanic is possibly a little out of it but he can get my baby up and running, and that is what I need. The pilot has a list of recommendations as long as my leg, and I am very lucky to have him. Of course the hot chick doesn't like him, and I just can't figure out why, though I do have an idea. I think it is the mustache. Not going to lie, that put me off at first too, but I am captain of this gorram boat, and if push comes to shove I will have him shave the gorram thing off. Don't need to scare my hot first mate off.
Day Five Hundred Ninety Nine
That didn't take long. I got myself a new mechanic. Never really thought that old one was any good, and it turns out I can get another hot chick on this boat. Not to mention that she can fix up ol' Serenity better than that yu bun duh hwoon dahn ever could. And she's HOT! Not that I EVER think of that when I am considering someone for a place on my ship. I am not that shallow...
Day Six Hundred Thirty Four
I am not happy about this. They are going against my direct orders! If I wanted those two to get married I woulda told them to! Gorrammit! This is not going to work out. She is my hot first mate, he is my no longer mustached pilot. Yeah, he is an ok guy, and makes some good jokes, but having any sort of romance on this boat is not going to work out in the slightest. I can see this coming back and stabbing me in the ass. I really am not looking forward to this. Oh well, I am rather scared of the woman if I don't give her what she wants, so I better go forward with this gorram plan of marriage, and just get over it.
Day Seven Hundred Ninety Three
I must be in heaven, if I still believed in that yu bun duh stuff anymore. You know how I said I had a hot first mate and a hot mechanic. Well now I have a very hot, no, scratch that, I have a sex goddess on my boat. You think I am lying, but I am not! She is a bona fide companion, and she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. So really when you think about it she is actually a sex goddess. A super fine sex goddess at that.
Now, if I could just find some muscle this little crew would be complete.
Day Eight Hundred Forty Five
Got myself some muscle, but only after almost getting killed. Guy is huge though. Like a ruttin' bear or something, and about as nice as one. Not the brightest star in the black, but he is good at what he does, and that is killing folk with no questions asked. Not real sure how many people I want dead, but with the proper motivation, and by motivation I mean money, I bet I can get this guy to do almost anything I want. Guess that is good for me. As long as I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep the gorram guy paid, and paid by me only. Don't need him splitting loyalties. I really don't want him on my ass again.
Note: All right, don't give me crap about my dates, I know they are off, way off, but if I even tried to make them coherent in my story then I would already be in the 2ks, and this is only the first chapter, so don't give me any crap about it. I would have tried a bit harder, but this is ass good as it is going to get for the dates right now. Don't worry, I will try harder in the next couple of chapters when I start getting into the actual episodes.
Hope you liked my try at Mal. Give me advice if you don't think I have gotten him yet. FYI I don't think I have him yet, and I hope that he will fall into place during the next couple of chapters. It takes me a while to get into them, and if you have read 'The Very Secret Diary of Jayne' you will know this.
Another FYI, if you have yet to read that one then you should, it is very good.
Ok, I am done. Read and review, and I will love you forever!
Side note: Style based off of that of Cassandra Claire, but all writing is that of my own.