Author's Note:This is a rather interesting (and completely pointless) story. I'm not entirely sure that it even has a plot…but it was hard to write. Deal is, me and TuRtLe88 wanted to find out who could write a 2000 word one-shot faster. She won, by the way. I only made it to 1800 some. She's a good writer. You should go check some of her stuff out. Anyways, I figured that since I wrote it, I might as well post it. Enjoy (or don't)
Dedication: To Kace, for being the reason I wrote it. To her little sister, Spaz, for coming up with the title (I've always been bad at that). To Liz, for interrupting me and making me lose (JK, JK, you didn't actually make me lose, that was entirely my fault)…also to…hmm…anyone who likes this, for having a merciful heart.
Disclaimer: If I owned any of the rights to Naruto, a lot of things would be different. Orochimaru would be a COOL villain, Naruto and Sasuke would openly love each other (even though it's practically canon already) and Sakura would stop being so annoying. Actually, there'd be a hell of a lot more…but I'm too tired to get into that. Point being: I don't own Naruto. I also didn't come up with the title.
Warning: Language. That's really all I have to say. Oh, and yaoi references.
Well…When Else Would You Eat Miso Ramen?
Kyuubi sat quietly in his cage, deep in the confines of Naruto's abdomen. To be perfectly honest, the poor fox's life was rather boring. Naruto could only get into enough trouble to desperately need chakra so often. It was the beginning of a typical day for Kyuubi, and he chose to spend it in his typical way: complaining.
Now, not even Kyuubi knows just where in Naruto he's stored. Sometimes he thinks that it's a place not in the physical realm, but during these boring times when Kyuubi has no one to whine to, he is sure that he is in Naruto's stomach, or somewhere near it, as the faint smell of miso fills the air after he grumbles and complains of boredom to no one in particular.
On this specific day, the miso smell just about drove the poor fox insane. It would drive you rather batty too, if you smelled it daily. Kyuubi resigned himself to groveling in the corner, clawing weakly at the bars.
Kyuubi wasn't quite sure how it happened, though he fancied it was the pure sharpness of his claws and strength of his swipes, but the next thing he knew, there was a rather large dent in the bar before him. Experimentally, he took a few more paws at it, and the bars broke.
Oh dear, he said sarcastically to himself. Whatever have I done? Naruto'll be furious. And, with an impish grin, Kyuubi tentatively stepped out from his cage.
All around him was darkness, and Kyuubi sniffed the air experimentally. No scent. Where'd the miso go? He almost missed it. He looked back from where he had come, and understood almost immediately.
The cage was now suspended hundreds of feet above the foxes head, although he had no memory of descending, but around were coils, garnished with jumping electrical signals. I'm in the boy's BRAIN. No wonder I felt cramped. He giggled to himself. I'll keep a low profile until I figure out how to escape the kid.
With that thought, he oriented himself and walked towards where he thought Naruto's eyes would be. Then I can decide where to go from there.
Unfortunately for Kyuubi, the trek to the front of Naruto's brain would not be as easy as he would hope.
--
Kyuubi had absolutely no sense of time, other than the passing of days. He could sense when Naruto was sleeping, because the entirety of his surroundings seemed to dull and back off into another dimension.
I thought adventures were supposed to be exciting, he thought to himself.
"Perhaps they are," said a voice.
What the hell was that? Kyuubi stopped and looked around, his hackles raised.
"Stop shitting yourself. I'm just Naruto's conscience," the voice said.
…Right…So does that mean I was caged in the inhibition center of Naruto's brain?
"Well…I'm no neurosurgeon, but I'd say that makes sense. Kind of ironic, right? Since you're all impish and everything. Something must be wrong with the kid's wiring if you were able to escape…either that, or…"
Wow, someone in here just noticed that Naruto doesn't seem to be wired right? Good job, Sherlock…wait…what? "Either that, or…" what?! I'm not exactly feeling very comfortable right now, it was true. The poor fox was caught in the middle of a black expanse talking to a voice he couldn't see.
"Well, to be frank, not that I have much of a choice, as consciences can't really lie…but either there's something wrong with Naruto's ability to keep you, the essence of impishness, locked up…or you're becoming less impish."
You are nothing like Naruto, you know that? Kyuubi thought bitterly, and it was true: Naruto never would've thought of anything that clever. But if you're so smart, and I'm not mischievous anymore, then why am I still aiming to escape?
Though he couldn't see Naruto's conscience, he "saw" it shrug. "Believe what you will. I'll be around; you're not the only one who gets bored, you know. Besides, you might need me later."
Psh, the Nine-Tailed Fox? Need Naruto's conscience? Sure...keep telling yourself that. With that, Kyuubi flicked his tail defiantly and started off again, still working his way towards the boy's face.
--
Quite a bit later, Kyuubi heard another noise, "Wooooooooo!"
Conscience? Is that you? He thought.
"Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! We're Naruto's meeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmoriesssss!" the noise said.
Kyuubi stopped, almost thankful for the break in walking, and looked around. Whisps of light obscured the jumps of electricity that had recently been the fox's scenery, and he focused on them. He chose one with his mind, and it stretched out, becoming a sort of screen for Kyuubi to watch.
"Naruto, you're so annoying," it was that little bitch, Sakura. Kyuubi saw, for the first time in twelve years, what a young human girl looked like, and thought to himself, The screeching, nagging voice fits her. Satisfied, he let the memory go, and chose another.
Once this one focused, Kyuubi jumped back a little. The picture was zoomed in a lot, to another boy's face. The boy was red, though Kyuubi imagined that his natural complexion must've been fair, and his eyes were all squinted up. Kyuubi realized that, in this memory, Naruto was kissing the other boy.
Embarrassed just to be watching the scene, he let the picture go, but not before seeing the other boy open his eyes and look into Naruto's.
My god, I've missed a lot. I'm feeling for a human being…the others would be embarrassed for me. I feel sorry for the poor kid.
Kyuubi's way of dealing with the awkward situation was a shake of his head, and deliberate strides away from the scene. You damn conscience…you could've warned me! What the hell is going on with me? I'm feeling for the boy now?
"Perhaps," was the only response he got.
Kyuubi's only further thoughts of the situation were on the identity of Naruto's crush.
--
That same morning, Uchiha Sasuke lay in his bed, curtains drawn. Through the rising sun and the chirping birds, he remained asleep.
--
As he walked, Kyuubi considered the practicality of what he was doing with his newfound freedom. It's a give-in that I'll try to escape, he thought, but what's the most practical way to go about it? His eyes? Really? His mouth would make more sense, as it seems to constantly be open.
With a decisive move, he started descending, now aiming for where he thought Naruto's mouth would be.
As he did so, he was bombarded with all sorts of things. Flashes of light, scents (mostly sour and salty), and faint rustling noises bombarded him.
Damn…the sense part of the brain…this is going to be annoying.
"You're almost there, kitsune." The conscience addressed him again.
Really?
"Well sure. But I wouldn't sound so excited if I were you. There are rules, you know. Equivalent exchange and whatnot. Escaping won't be as easy as you think. You'll see, once you get there."
Well, sure, if I were moral and actually followed rules. For a trouble-maker like me, it won't be any problem at all. All I have to do is walk out, right? Naruto hasn't noticed that I broke out yet, and it's not like there's anything to stop me.
For the second time, Naruto's conscience shrugged, and backed off to let Kyuubi continue his journey.
--
The first change Kyuubi noticed was the humidity; the air grew moist, and he took this as a hint that he was almost there. His pace livened, and his senses perked up.
A light appeared ahead, (how clichéd is that?)and Kyuubi put up his guard for anything the conscience might've known about that could stop him.
He imagined the logistics of the actual escape, and reasoned that simply walking towards the light would do, as ominous as it sounded. I'm inside him now, and light comes from the sun, which is outside. I want to be outside, so I'll go there. No problem, right?
"No problem," the conscience agreed. "But what will you do then? Attack Naruto? Kill the person who has been your host, and a very good host at that? Any other ninja might've tried to take advantage of your power, but not Naruto. Naruto's been good to you."
Kyuubi shifted awkwardly, shocked at himself to even be listening to a conscience. A conscience. Of a human boy. The kitsune Kyuubi was supposed to be above such things. Who needs a conscience when you're more powerful than most living things?
"I told you there would be consequences, but no one ever seems to listen to us consciences anymore. I did tell you, didn't I? Well, in any case, you still have to make the decision. If you leave, you'll have to kill Naruto, or your escape will be brought to attention and you'll just be defeated like last time. Or you could return to the nice little home Naruto's provided you with all these years."
Kyuubi considered the conscience's words carefully, and turned back to where he had come from, fighting what was screaming from inside him. What?! After all this work? You're turning BACK?! Back to CONFINEMENT?!
--
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Kyuubi woke screaming. DAMN! It was all a dream! He took in his surroundings: still in the cage. I'M SO FUCKING BOOOOOOOORED, he screamed, attacking the bars. I'm boooored, Naruto!
"Don't worry little kitsune. I'll keep you company." Kyuubi recognized the conscience's voice, and retreated to the back of his cage. It was just a dream, you scared little kitten. You're not becoming moral at all, don't worry. Don't worry, it was just a dream. A dream. Oh god. I'm so fucking bored.
--
Uzumaki Naruto woke that morning, stretching dramatically. Almost immediately, his stomach rumbled. He pulled himself out of bed, smiled at the sight of the sun, barely in the sky, and went to the kitchen.
He opened the fridge and saw nothing but a carton of milk and a packet of microwave ramen. He pulled out the milk, but paused to check the date.
"Iruka-sensei got so mad at me last time I drank bad milk…" Naruto considered the date. Two weeks ago…"That's not TOO bad, is it?" and then reconsidered, and put it back.
Reluctantly-for ramen is always much better fresh than in the packets-he boiled two cups of water. After a few minutes, he added the noodles, ("They're probably not even real noodles," he grumbled) and then the packet of seasoning.
As the salty smell of miso entered his nose, Naruto forgot all about the fresh, Ichiraku-prepared ramen he was missing out on, and sat down to eat.