Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR. I'm not Tolkien or anyone related to him so I don't own it.

Warning: Gah. Were do I start on this one? There is so much stuff in this story… Well I guess that the warnings should be that there is a lot of hinting at sex and swearing and just weird stuff…

By the way the first chapter isn't very good but it gets better.

Mirkwood Revealed (in more ways than one)

It all began one day in Gondor. This day was actually a very good day, with no problems other than the normal ones that almost all kingdoms encountered. Things like 'oh my shoes hurt' or 'the cow I bought from him died three days after I got it' or 'it's too hot, too cold and I'm tiered'….

Over all, after the war of the ring the citizens of Gondor thought that they had earned the right to bitch as much as they wanted…

Anyway it was a relatively clear day an you could see for quite a distance and looking into the distance was exactly what a random guard on the seventh level of the city was doing. (When I say random I mean it. He could have died and came back to life an no one would have noticed…) He had just about finished scanning the horizon when he noticed a large mass coming at the city. He stared for a second then called over another one of the guards.

"What is that?" The other guard stared too and then shrugged.

"I dunno…." They stared for a second, still trying to decide what it was. As they stared others came to see what it was that had their fellow guards so enthralled. As soon as they looked they too stood and tried to decide what it was.

"I still don't think that-…." Aragorn trailed off as he found that all of the guards that should have been doing….. Things were simply standing and looking off into the distance.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he walked over to them. One pointed to the mass which was much closer and almost distinguishable. Aragorn now joined his guards in wondering what the hell it was.

"And that is why Dwarf women have beards." Gimli finished sounding very please with himself. Legolas thought, didn't seem to be paying attention to him.

"What was that Gimli?" He asked absent mindedly.

"I said-" Legolas stopped him as he turned to see the mass of thing hurling at them.

"No…" He said, interrupting the Dwarf. Gimli glared at Legolas as the Elf ran over to the wall, shoving guards away as he did, and looked at the mass that was now pretty much on top of them.

"What the HELL?" One of the guards asked. "It looks like a bunch of… mice?" He finished, disbelievingly. Another guard squinted at the mass.

"And rats…." It was right then that the flying mass dropped directly onto Gondor and it was then that they realized that there was another creature that they hadn't seen.

Lice.

As the people ran around screaming and yelling and all that stuff Aragorn simply stood in place, looking mystified, Legolas had all the animals and things bounce off of him when they were within two inches of his skin (Because of his awesome and probably magical Elven cleanliness powers), and Gimli came up to them scratching his beard.

"I have lice! And they itch! Aragorn aren't you itchy?" The king of men looked down at the dwarf and said, in a very serous voice.

"No. I'm used to it." He said as he pointed to his head. "I used to have lice that would spell out words on my head but then Arwen made me take a bath and they all died…. I miss them…" Legolas and Gimli stared at him looking, at the least, disgusted. After a brief moment of that Aragorn seemed to snap back to the present.

"AWWW MAN! THIS SUCKS!" He yelled slapping his hands to his face. "I haven't even been king for two years yet and it starts to rain vermin and lice!" He sighed brushed back some of his dark hair and kicked a random rat.

"Just about the only way that this could get any worse is-"

"I'm leaving." Legolas said, still looking the way that the mass had come from. Aragorn snapped his head towards Legolas, staring at him wide eyed and in horror.

"THAT WAS IT!… Oh and why are you leaving?" He asked the second question as an after thought. Legolas looked over at the two of them seriously, something that isn't gonna happen a lot in this fic, and bowed his head.

"Something important is going on in Mirkwood. I feel that I need to be there…"

"But how can you tell?" Gimli asked, using one of his like ten lines in this fic.

"….I… I just can…" Was the uncertain reply that they received from Legolas.

"Well then I'm coming with you lady." Gimli said patting Legolas. This was unfortunate as Gimli was about waist height and ending up patting the Mirkwood prince in an inappropriate spot. Legolas looked down at the dwarf quickly, trying to decide if the mishap had been intentional on his part. In the end he couldn't decide and simply left the subject alone.

"Welllll…" Aragorn looked around him at the guards that were trying to stomp on the rats and mice and others who were trying to kill the lice that had invaded their hair by hitting themselves in the head. "I really shouldn't go. I mean Gondor really needs me during this crises…." He watched as one guard knocked himself out.

"But I think that I'll be coming anyway." He smiled turning towards the Elf. Legolas looked at the two more then a little apprehensively but nodded.

"Fine. We're leaving now." He said turning and running towards the stables.