Musings of the Elevator
This is not funny. That idiot of a Probie (I can`t be bothered to learn his name. Most Probies don`t last a month so there is no point in learning it) has spilt coffee all over me. Does he know that some of these stains can`t be removed. And guess what they really bug me. They like to look clean for work well so do I. Next time he comes in alone I swear I am going to break down in between the floors. No- even better- I am going to break down with him and a psychopath inside. That will teach him a lesson. I will have to make sure the psychopath has no weapons though: if he does there will be so much blood that I will need to be replaced. I don`t care if he (the probie) dies.
These people do not realise how much they need me. Without me they have to use the stairs. Guess what! I am on call 24/7 unlike these lazy humans who have to sleep half the time.
Oh bugger! Agent Leeroy Jethro best-agent-in -the-flipping-country Gibbs has entered the elevator with that FBI man. I think his name is Formal, or is it Formel. I don`t believe it, they are at it again. I am not a conference room you pair of absolute ############## ########## ########!
Can they not tell the difference between an elevator and a conference room? Mind you I really want to squish them. You see they stop me, and then they talk for so long I am nearly falling asleep and suddenly they make me start again with no warning. They stop me and then they start me. Can they not make up their minds? I didn`t mind it the first time but it is every single time. Can you imagine that every single time they work together I have to put up with this? I actually am hoping another turf war begins so the FBI and NCIS will not work together. Those two are absolutely trouble. I can`t see why the directors did not fire them when they were probies.
And here comes that chap DiNozzo. What a stupid name; DiNozzo. It sounds like the nose. It suits him. DiNozzo is so nosy. There was this lady Kate (Katie maybe or I know it was Kaitlin) and DiNozzo used to rifle through her every possession and they always were bickering. That reminds me I haven`t seen her in a while perhaps DiNozzo has killed her. It wouldn`t be the first time he has been "framed" for something like this. I bet he was guilty. It has happened two or three times. Yet the forensic scientist always lies for him so he is proven innocent. I will find away to prove he is guilty. I just don`t have one yet otherwise he would be in a deep clad cell by now.
Oh look it is Little-Miss-I-am-always-right-and-if-you-disagree-with-me-I-will-kill-you-because-I-am-a-Mossad-assasin Ziva. She is really irritating. She carries at least a thousand weapons on her. Honestly what a total paranoia freak; one or two would do the trick. She actually killed this man once. Right inside me too! I hated being a crime scene. To make things ridiculous the forensic scientist (Tabby, I think she is called) came along and started taking photos like a tourist. She was so excited about being able to see a crime scene. For goodness sake, it was absolute madness. All the while I was waiting patiently with a rotting corpse staining me and smelling like a skunk with indigestion. I stunk like a mass grave of skunks by the time the duck man came to take the body away.
Why does that man call himself a duck anyway? Does he have webbed feet? No! Does he quack? No! Does he even bear any resemblance to a duck? No! In fact the only thing he even has in common with a duck is he makes a constant irritating ramble like a duck. He even talks to himself in empty rooms.
The only one who is weirder than him is Tabby. She wears a dog collar but she won`t listen to instructions like an obedient puppy. She is also obsessed with darkness. I`d actually like to shut her up in complete darkness for several hours. A while ago she actually lived inside me. I am not a refugee camp. I honestly wanted to help the fellow who was trying to kill her. I am not a ###### refugee camp. Also if anyone wants to kill anyone do it outside me please. One corpse was enough.
Oh look! It is the director Vance. He is chewing a cocktail stick again. What is the point in that anyway? He chews a little stick. Is he a dog? Here doggy, doggy fetch tiny little stick. Guess what, he is looking at me in disapproval. Can he mind read? Guess what, I don`t care big dog. You may be a boxer but if you box me I hit back harder. In fact I have the most power in the building. I can make them do, think, and feel whatever I like. In fact if they don`t start giving me more respect I`ll aid their enemies. I could become a spy. It would be so exciting or I could become a psychopath or a terrorist. Revenge will be sweet.
Oh great. The engineer has turned me off for mantinence. Goodbye for now but I will be back! Mwahaha!