Disclaimer: Bioware owns everything but my Shepard.
A/N: Please read and review. I very much enjoy those alerts I get.
Letters from Shepard
Shepard found herself at her desk, yet again, staring vacantly at the terminal screen. She tapped her pen absentmindedly as her mind processed a response to the message she found herself reading over and over again. It was an absurd apology, if it could even be considered that. Granted, while only a few short months had passed in her mind, Kaidan had believed her dead for the past two years. Of course he would try to move on, but nevertheless it still stung. Shepard threw her pen at the fish tank in a pointless display of irritation and focused her energy on a response.
Kaidan,
You are an idiot.
-Shepard
The commander chewed her lip for a moment, relishing the simplicity with which she could end any possible relationship and emotional contact with a man she considered herself to be in love with. She had never intended to break her own personal rule, or Alliance fraternization regulations, and as much as Kaidan didn't want to muddy their working relationship, Shepard found that she wanted him to. She shook her head slowly as she re-read her response. It would be such a simple way out, but an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach wiped away her resolve and she found herself pressing the delete button. Shepard took a deep breath and started again.
Kaidan,
I can't even begin to explain my decisions regarding my recent association with Cerberus. I'm not exactly sure myself, except to say that the Alliance declared me dead. Cerberus brought me back and gave me the resources I need to go after the Reapers. It's that simple.
Of course, I tried to explain this to you on Horizon, but you didn't want to listen. You were with me on Ilos. You know what we're up against, and yet the Alliance and the council are content to cover up their fears with false reports on the "Geth's" attack on the Citadel. Ignorance may be bliss, but their denial is just asinine.
I get why you were angry, but you know me. You know I wouldn't do anything like this without good reason. Despite what you may think of me now, it was still good to see you again on Horizon, to be in your arms. I can't explain how much I want you here with me, not only since you know the truth about the Reapers, but because you steady me. I wanted to punch my personal assistant the other day for being so god-damn cheerful.
I've never yearned for someone before, for the warmth of their body against mine, the rhythm of their breath in the darkest part of night. I thought I would hate sharing my bed with you, but the memory of your morning routine still makes me smile. You challenged me to become human, to be more than the job, and I could never admit that to anybody but you.
I miss you.
-Shepard
Once more, Shepard found her eyes glued to the screen, reading the plea for forgiveness and understanding that came across so pathetic in its emotional intensity that Shepard rolled her eyes. While she hated to admit it was the truth, and while it felt good to actually put it to words, the commander realized that something this personal could not be sent electronically. Plus, she couldn't afford the emotional baggage right now, especially since Cerberus might as well be screaming that she was going to die on this mission. Again.
A sigh of resignation escaped her lips and Shepard hit the delete button once more. On her left, EDI's blue avatar materialized.
"We are on approach to the Omega 4 relay per your instructions, Commander." EDI's synthesized voice was a welcome distraction. "ETA ten minutes."
"Thank you EDI. Inform Joker that I'm on my way down." EDI's form winked out of existence and Shepard was left still staring at her terminal. She popped her neck quickly, and started her message once more.
Kaidan,
I remember Ilos.
-C