The True Tale of theLord of the Rings
Brought to light by
Mirriam Neal
Part One: The Fellowship of the Ring
WARNING: This is a mixture of the movies and the books. I do not own any of the characters. If you have no sense of humor, you probably won't want to read this. Actually, I advise against it as it may result in hysteria, split ribs, and/or fainting.
Scene One: Gandalf Arrives at Hobbiton
(Scene opens. Frodo is secretly putting in a new pair of contacts. He doesn't want anyone to know that the color of his eyes is really brown.)
Gandalf: The road goes ever on and on, until you fall right off a cliff and then your bones are crushed to dust, hmm hmmmm hmm-hmm-hmm….
Frodo: *quickly pops in last contact and runs out to meet the wizard* You're, like, really late.
Gandalf: *splutters* That's impossible! Wizards are almost never late!
Frodo: *sticks his Rolex in front of Gandalf's nose* You're the 'almost! It says so! *taps watch face*
Gandalf: *scowls* Why do I keep visiting you hobbits?
Frodo: Because of me, naturally.
Gandalf: HAH! You WISH! It's probably Bilbo. He was always a very pleasant hobbit.
Frodo: *jumps into wagon, uninvited* Well, then, you'll be glad to know that he's up to something.
Gandalf: Oh?
Frodo: Yeah. Just wait and see.
Later, at Bilbo's Birthday Party
Bilbo: My dear Nosepickers and Stinkyfoots! *from somewhere comes the call of "Stinkyfeet" which Bilbo ignores* Straightjackets and Stickyfingers, and all you other hobbits not sitting on a cushion! *appreciative roar from hobbits* Today is my thirtenty-threeth birthday, and thirtenty-three years is far too long – I mean SHORT! Short a time to live among such infamous and unimaginative hobbits! I dislike more than half of you twice as much as you deserve, and I like less than half of you half as well as you should like!
Hobbits: *scattered clapping, some various boos and hisses*
Bilbo: So, without any ado, I have decided to take leave of you all and seek my old adventures once again! I - *trips and falls backwards off the stage*
Hobbits: *cheer and call for more food*
Bilbo: *limps back to Bag End, leaves the Ring for Frodo, and walks – still limping – into the night*
Frodo: *bursts in on Gandalf, sitting and staring, hypnotized at the flames* He's gone, isn't he?
Gandalf: *somber nod*
Frodo: *breaks into a boogie dance screaming 'YESSSSS!' at the top of his lungs, then stops* I mean, well, drat!
Scene Two: The Ring
(Bilbo has left. Gandalf is explaining the Ring of Doom to Frodo.)
Gandalf: Well, what do you think about that?
Frodo: *blinks* Huh? Oh, I'm sorry; I dozed off right around the part where you were telling about some… uh, magic nose rings being made?
Gandalf: AARRRRGGGHHH! Okay, there's a dark lord named Sauron bent on destroying Middle-earth with his armies of thousands and thousands of Orcs and Uruk-hai and the Nine Ringwraiths who are looking for the ring because Sauron wants it and you've got it, therefore you've got to take it the Last Homely House and give it to the elves.
Frodo: Why is the house homely? If it's made by elves, wouldn't it be pretty?
Gandalf: It's just a name. I don't know why they called it homely either. Anyway, there's your quest.
Frodo: Then I can come home, right?
Gandalf: *sighs* Right.
Frodo: Okay. Wait, I think I hear something outside! AAAUGH! IT'S A RINGWRAITHE! THEY'VE FOUND ME!
Gandalf: *jerks someone in through the window and reveals Sam* No, it's just Sam.
Sam: Don't hurt me! Please!
Gandalf: Okay, what'dja hear?
Sam: Everything.
Frodo: Everything?
Sam: Yup! I know more about it than you, Mr. Frodo - I wasn't dozing off.
Gandalf: Okay, Sam, then YOU do it. Frodo will be your servant along the way.
Frodo: WHAT! But – but –
Sam: Oh, thank you, Mr. Wizard, sir!
Gandalf: Frodo, you'll carry the ring, since you're the servant. This is Sam's quest, now.
Frodo: *mumbles* All the good stuff happens to Sam.
Scene Three: Bree
(Frodo and Sam have already met Merry and Pippin. They are now in the Prancing Pony at Bree.)
Sam: That guy over there keeps staring at us. If he doesn't quit, I'll give him a frying panning he'll never forget!
Frodo: What's wrong with him looking at us? It's a free town… I think.
Sam: It's very suspicious.
Frodo: Huh? No, it isn't. Where's Pippin? *sees Pippin babbling everything about who Frodo really is, who his second cousins twice removed are, and his favorite baseball team* PIPPIN! SHUT UP! *gets up and runs over, then trips and falls and 'accidentally-on-purpose' puts the ring on* YIKES!
Sam: WHERE'D YOU GO!
Strange Guy in the Corner: *chokes on pipe smoke*
Frodo: *appears sitting at table as if nothing had happened, but it's the wrong table*
Strange Guy in the Corner: Hello. *grabs Frodo and hauls him upstairs* So you have the Ring of Doom! I knew somebody did! Well, I'd be more careful if I were you, because – *door bursts open revealing the other hobbits* Well, that's cute.
Frodo: *rolls eyes* So you're going with us or something? Because Gandalf's not here…
Strange Guy No Longer in Corner: Yeah, sure, I'd be glad to take you to Mount Doom. Don't worry, I know all about it. And you can call me Strider, Aragorn, Elessar, the Elf-stone, Rightful King of Gondor… whatever.
Frodo: I'll stick with Aragorn.
Meanwhile, at Isengard…
Saruman: I am no longer Saruman the White. I am Saruman of many colors!
Gandalf: You forgot to separate the whites again, didn't you?
Back with the hobbits, Aragorn starts singing and Frodo asks him to please cut it out.
Scene Four: Weathertop
(Frodo has just awakened to the smell of to-MAH-toes and bacon.)
Frodo: *jumps up* Yum! That smells GOOD! Oh, wait, I mean – What are you doing, you fools! Put it out! Put it out! *Frodo stamps on the fire* Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Ouch!
Pippin: Great. Hobbit hair on my tomahtoes. Thanks, Frodo.
*an eerie screech drifts through the night air*
Merry: That must be those funky guys in the ratty black cloaks.
Frodo: Yeah, probably. Either that or Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.
Sam: Strider/Elessar/Aragorn/Elf-stone/Rightful King of Gondor left us each a sword which he just happened to have with him. They're hobbit-sized, too!
Pippin: Ooooh! Shiny! *yanks sword from sheath*
Merry: He gave Pippin something sharp! Is he mad!
Pippin: *squinting closely at elvish writing on the blade* It says… made… in… China…
Sam: *blinks* Where's China?
Frodo: OH NO! LOOK! The Five Funky Guys!
Five Funky Guys, also known as The Ringwraiths: *appear holding swords* We are here! Fear us! Shall we introduce ourselves before any further trouble?
Frodo: Uh… go ahead?
Lead Wraith: *clears throat* This is Tom, Dick, and Harry. The four that are not here are Larry, Bill, Bob, and Joe. And I am Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian. The Third.
Pippin: *falls over in a dead faint*
Frodo: Why do YOU get the long name, and they all have short ones?
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: Mom liked me best.
Bob: She did NOT!
Dick: I second!
Tom: I third it!
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: SHUT UP! We're supposed to be attacking!
Sam: Oh, yeah. *whips out sword as Merry helps Pippin to his feet* GET AWAY! *swipe swipe*
Tom: Hi-YAH! *trips over a rock and lands flat on his nonexistent face* OUCH! I told you, Reggie, not to get me these metal-toed shoes! They make me trip!
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: HOW MANY TIMES DID MOM TELL YOU NOT TO CALLL ME REGGIE!
Tom: Uh, Ferdie?
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: NO!
Tom: Sebbie? *blinks* Uh… Bastian?
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: Why you little SWINE! I'll stove your head in!
Tom: *lower lip quivers* (This was before Wraith faces, but after lip quivers.)
Aragorn: *appears and waves fire in front of them*
Ringwraiths: AAAH! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! *hiking up their black robes, they all run away*
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: *quickly scuttles back in, stabs Frodo in the leg, runs out*
Frodo: My LEG! It's supposed to be my SHOULDER! Now I'm going to have a LIMP! FOREVER!
Reginald: *voice faint* SOORRRRYYY!
Scene Five: Arwen
(Arwen appeared and is riding with Frodo)
Arwen: Noro lim, Asfaloth! Noro Lim!
Frodo: OWWW! MY LEG! And what in the world does 'noro leem' mean?
Arwen: Um, ride fast.
Frodo: Well, duh.
Arwen: *rolls eyes*
Frodo: Hey, look! Wraiths!
Arwen: Oh boy! HANG ON!
Frodo: Should I put my hands in the air?
Arwen: Not a good idea. *starts riding faster and faster and faster until they reach the river and gallop across it* If you want him, come an' get 'im! Come on! Come on, just try!
Ringwraiths: *look at each other* Okay! *charge across the river*
Arwen: *recites spell, water runs down and washes them away*
Ringwraiths: AAAAaaaaahhhhhhh!
Arwen: HAH! Showed them, huh, Frodo? Uh-oh, Frodo?
Frodo: *moans*
Arwen: Um… whatever you gave me, give him grace! No, I mean gracefully give me him! Um, spare me, but give him grace! AARGH! DADDY!
Scene Six: Rivendell
(Frodo has just awoken Imladris.)
Frodo: Ooooh, my head!
Gandalf: Your head? The wraith stabbed your leg!
Frodo: Yeah, but all that elvish.! *sighs and flops back onto pillow*
*Seconds tick by*
Frodo: *eyes slide over to Gandalf* Hey, when did you get here?
Gandalf: Sheesh, I was wondering when you were going to ask. Saruman, my EX friend, turned bad. He's with Sauron now.
Frodo: Bummer. Where's Sam?
Gandalf: He's around here somewhere. He pops in now and then to check up. I think he's looking for a chocolate bar in the fridge right now.
Frodo: *pouty look* Sure, HE gets the chocolate. HE'S not the one that got STABBED!
Sam: *walks in, mouth full of chocolate* Hey, Frrrdo! Gwad you're 'kay.
Frodo: Wow, thanks, Sam.
Sam: No probl'm.
Frodo: The LEAST you could have done is BROUGHT ME CHOCOLATE!
Sam: *blinks, digesting this bit of information, then swallows* Sorry.
Frodo: AAAUGGH!
Scene Seven: Council of Elrond
(Everyone is seated in a circle. The elves unfairly outnumber any other race present, and Elrond has obviously been doing his eyebrow push-ups.)
Elrond: The ring can't stay here. It's dangerous. Somebody's got to travel across Middle-earth through the dark, evil, orc-and-Uruk-hai-filled lands of Mordor and throw the ring into the fiery chasms of Mount Doom, all the while trying to make sure Sauron, who happens to be a huge eye, doesn't see you.
Council: *blinks several times*
Boromir: *stands up* Hey, why not just give it to me? I'll give it to Dad for Father's Day. He'll love it.
Legolas: No way!
Gimli: Ye Gads! It's a boy!
Legolas: *jumps up* HEY!
Gimli: Well, it's hard to tell with elves, you know.
Legolas: WHY YOU –
Aragorn: HAVO DAD! LEGOLAS! SIT! GOOD BOY!
Legolas: *thunks down into chair with a put out expression while Gimli chuckles*
Aragorn: Anyway, Boromir, that was a nice try, but I'm the rightful heir to Gondor. Sorry.
Boromir: But – but – but –
Aragorn: *shrugs* Not my fault.
Boromir: Sheesh.
Elrond: Hell-OOO? Guys? The ring? It's got to be destroyed.
Gimli: And why can't I just hit it with my ax?
Elrond: It won't work. Only the fires of Mount Doom, where the Ring was forged, can destroy it.
Gimli: Bummer. Real bummer.
Elves: *echoing* Yeah, real bummer.
Gimli: I've got an idea! Let's argue!
Elves: Yeah! *everyone starts fighting*
Frodo: I'll take it!
Everyone else: *too busy fighting to notice Frodo*
Frodo: *at the top of his lungs* HEY! I'm, like, trying to be all brave and noble here so would you old men stop fighting and LISTEN TO ME!
*everyone turns and looks at him*
Frodo: I said, I'll take the ring! *heavy sigh* I brought it this far. *thinking* Hah! Now it'll be MY quest again, not SAM'S!
Sam: *pops out* Not without me, he ain't!
Merry: Me neither!
Pippin: Me, neither!
Elrond: All right. I need volunteers to take them, since they're so small. Aragorn, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, you go with them. Got it? Good! I give you all permission to desert Frodo whenever you like. Now get a good night's sleep because tomorrow, you d – uh, begin your journey! Good night, Fellowship!
Scene Eight: The Beginning of the Journey
(They have been travelling for thirty minutes.)
Gimli: Legolas, you twit! Step on the back of my boots one more time and I'll slap you!
Merry: Gandalf! Pippin's making faces at me!
Pippin: No, I'm not!
Boromir: Stupid northerners.
Frodo: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Gandalf: If you don't stop arguing I swear I'll turn this fellowship around RIGHT NOW!
*one hour later*
Frodo: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Gandalf: No.
Merry: Aragorn, Pippin's poking me!
Aragorn: Pippin, stop poking Merry.
Pippin: He started it!
Merry: No, I didn't!
Pippin: Yes, you did!
*two hours later*
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Gandalf: No.
Pippin: Can I have some trail mix now?
*three hours later*
Frodo: How about now are we there yet?
Gandalf: NO!
Legolas: Oh, shut up, Frodo.
Frodo: I was just asking…
Pippin: I hafta go to the bathroom!
Gandalf: Pippin! We just passed the last rest stop for thirty miles! I asked if anyone had to go and you all said no!
Scene Nine: Moria
Gandalf: Ah-HAH! Just as I thought!
Company: What?
Gandalf: A door!
Company: *blank stare*
Gandalf: Open, door! *nothing happens* I said OPEN, DOOR!
Aragorn: Uh, Gand –
Gandalf: SILENCE! DOOR! OPEN THYSELF! ….OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!
Aragorn: Open Sesame! *door doesn't budge* Well, there goes that idea.
*they sit and think for eight hours*
Gandalf: *whacks door with his staff in frustration, then gasps* Good heavens! Of course! The knob! *turns door knob and walks in*
Company: *blank stare*
(The Balrog has just been sighted.)
Gandalf: Oh dear. It is just as I feared – a Balrog.
Gimli: A big bug? Good grief, that's nothing to be afraid of! *doesn't see Legolas, who is practically in Aragorn's arms at the mention of a creepy-crawlie*
Gandalf: BALROG. Bal – ROG.
Gimli: Oh. Prepare for battle, then!
Legolas: *whips out mirror and checks hair* Ready!
Gandalf: *rolls eyes* I'M the only one who can deal with this fiery beast of death! The rest of you – run! I'll defend the bridge!
Aragorn: What bridge?
Gandalf: The bridge of Khaza-Dum!
Aragorn: Uh…
Gandalf: *points* Over there.
Aragorn: Sure you don't need help?
Gandalf: If you insi-
Aragorn: Okay, then! C'mon, guys!
*everyone runs and crosses the bridge as Gandalf is fighting the Balrog*
Boromir: *watching* He's gonna die.
Frodo: He is NOT!
Aragorn: *to Gimli* I'll give you eight to five the Balrog wins.
Gimli: Taken!
*five minutes later, after Gandalf and the Balrog have fallen off the bridge due to not reading the sign that said 'Bridge May Ice In Winter'*
Aragorn: *sticks hand out to Gimli* You owe me.
Boromir: I knew it.
Scene Nine: Lothlorien
(They have just entered the Golden Wood.)
Gimli: They say there's a witch in these woods. An ugly old hag that'll turn you into a rabbit.
Pippin: She WILL!
Gimli: Oh, yes. But she won't get me! I'll - *blinks at an arrowhead suddenly stuck in front of his nose* Oh.
Pippin: Quick, Merry! What's the elvish word for friend!
Haldir: Good grief, you guys make a racket!
Legolas: *sniffs* I do NOT!
Haldir: Nice hair.
Legolas: Thanks. You, too.
Gimli: Oh, brother.
Aragorn: Excuse me, could you direct us to the creepy elf-witch lady?
Haldir: Nope.
Aragorn: Excuse me?
Haldir: Nope.
Aragorn: But – but we have to!
Sam: It's really important!
Haldir: *raises an eyebrow*
Frodo: Really!
Haldir: …okay. Follow me. You know, this place has been dubbed "The Heart of Elvendome on Earth" by tourists.
Frodo: Hey! You let TOURISTS through here and you wouldn't let US!
Haldir: Goldenwood Insurance Policy.
Frodo: Oh.
*They travel up flets and see Galadriel and Celeborn come down*
Galadriel: *sucks in her breath and tries to look as stiff, cool, and mysterious as possible* Greeeee…. *can't talk due to holding-of-breath*
Celeborn: (Seeing that Gandalf is not with the others, and not being smart enough to guess that the wizard may have met some misfortune on the way, decides to ask about the wizard's whereabouts.) Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.
*The company stares blankly at him for a moment*
Pippin: *bursts into tears*
Boromir: Whoa, you need some caffeine, dude.
Galadriel: He has fallen.
Celeborn: Ouch. Sorry about that. Is he okay?
Frodo: I – I can't. You tell him, Legolas. *flaps his hand in the direction of the still-waiting-and-still-apparently-oblivious Celeborn*
Legolas: *blinks at Celeborn* He died.
Galadriel: *to Celeborn* See! I told you so!
Aragorn: Yeah, it was, like, really sad.
Gimli: Except I now owe him eight hundred peanuts.
Aragorn: There is that…
Galadriel: You have much to fear.
Celeborn: Your enemies are strong.
Galadriel: Fail and die!
Celeborn: You have only a 1 percent chance of success!
Galadriel: You will never make it!
Celeborn: You leave first thing tomorrow morning!
*later that night*
Frodo: *sees Galadriel passing, gets up, and follows her as she goes to her 'special spot'*
Galadriel: *fills jug, then turns around* Well, since you followed me, go ahead and take a look. *dumps water into basin*
Frodo: Uh… why would I want to look into a bird bath?
Galadriel: It's a mirror.
Frodo: Oh. Mirror, mirror, on the –
Galadriel: NOT - *takes deep breath* Not that kind of mirror.
Frodo: My bad. Sorry. *looks deep into the pool* Um… all I see is a picture of a guy brushing his teeth…
Galadriel: *sighs* Commercials.
Frodo: *nods and looks back into the pool, only to fall back screeching* Oh my GOODNESS!
Galadriel: What you saw is what will pass if you should fail on your quest.
Frodo: *opens his mouth as if to say something, then looks terrified* WHAT!
Galadriel: Yes. *looks solemnly at the hobbit, still flat on his back in the grass*
Frodo: Oh, gross.
Galadriel: Okay, what was it? I couldn't see. Tell me!
Frodo: It was Gimli in his swim trunks!
Galadriel: *recoils in horror* OH! Now you MUST succeed, Frodo! You've GOT to destroy the ring to spare us all!
Frodo: I WILL! I mean, saving Middle-earth isn't that much of a biggie. But I'll do ANYTHING to save us from THAT. By the way, I have a present for you! *holds out a small, suspiciously-shaped-like-a-ring package*
Galadriel: Why thank you, Frodo! *opens it and instantly turns into a giantess with thunder and lightning coming out of nowhere * IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! HAHA! I – wait…
Frodo: You're green.
Galadriel: *sighs and hands the ring back to Frodo* Here, I don't want it. I just got an A plus on my lighting and sound effects test.
Frodo: You're telling me.
Galadriel: Yeah, now I can go home.
Frodo: Um… *scratches head*
Galadriel: It's complicated. Take the ring. Go to Mount Doom, destroy it, and live happily ever after, etcetera etcetera. Oh, and by the way, Boromir's going to try and take your ring.
Frodo: Uh, rrrrriiight. Okay. Good to know.
*the next morning*
Galadriel: *walks to Aragorn* We probably won't see each other again, Aragorn, but if I was a little younger…
Celeborn: *clears throat*
Galadriel: …and human, I'd love to have you for a son.
Celeborn: *solemnly* Make us proud, boy.
Aragorn: Thanks, guys. That means a lot to me.
Galadriel: *moves on to Legolas* Here's a bow and quiver and arrows, Legolas. Trust in them and they won't easily miss. And skill doesn't hurt, either.
Legolas: *bows deeply and rises* Thank you, O Queen of the Golden Wood Lothlorien, I shall never forget the great honor you have bestowed upon me. May dandruff never plague your golden head.
Galadriel: You're welcome. *moves on to the hobbits and gives Sam, Pippin, and Merry each a knife*
Merry: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU KEEP GIVING PIP SHARP THINGS!
Pippin: *indignantly* Hey!
Sam: Hey! I got a dagger! Nice and shiny and -
Galadriel: WHOOPS! *snatches knife from Sam* Here you go. *plops a bunch of dirt into Sam's hand*
Sam: Dirt?
Galadriel: Special dirt!
Sam: Oh. Thank you. *sniffs and mutters* I DID like the dagger.
Galadriel: *looks at Gimli* Here. *hands him three strands of her hair* There you go.
Gimli: Hair? HAIR! Well, that is just lovely. And here are some of my toenail clippings. May you cherish them forever.
Galadriel: *blinks, taken aback, as Celeborn tries to stifle a giggle and the hobbits burst into gales of hysterical laughter* *finally, Galadriel moves on to Frodo* Here.
Frodo: Chanel No. 5?
Galadriel: NO! That's the light of Velveeta, our most beloved star!
Frodo: Explain just how you managed to bottle light.
Gimli: Hah! It's snake oil, Frodo. She's a cheapskate. After all, she gave me hair.
*as Galadriel waves farewell, looking somewhat put out at the way her 'gifts' were received*
Pippin: Hey, she forgot you, Boromir!
Boromir: HEY! She DID! Well, at least we all got elven cloaks.
Merry: Yeah. Goodie. It's like giving someone a coat for Christmas.
Legolas: Let's all sing a boating song!
Aragorn: GOOD IDEA! Row, row, row the boat(s), gently down the stream…
Boromir: *under breath* Once the Ring of Doom is mine, I'll only need a queen!
A few hours later…
Aragorn: Coming up on your left and right you'll see two statues!
Pippin: …ooh!
Aragorn: Yes, very ooh!
*two minutes later they pass two lawn gnomes placed strategically on either side of the river*
Aragorn: *sighs happily* Long have I desired to look upon the faces of my ancestors.
Boromir: Well, *draws sword* if you really want to, I'd be happy to oblige!
Aragorn: *paddles faster*
*two hours later*
Pippin: Uh… guys?
Everyone Else: *oblivious*
Pippin: Water! Moving fast! GUYS!
Everyone Else: *oblivious*
Pippin: AAAAAHHH! WATERFALL!
*They climb out of the boats and get on land due to Pippin's screams*
Sam: Whew! That woulda ended the Fellowship right there, wouldn't it, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: *glares*
Legolas: *looks around, then moves over to Aragorn: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Aragorn: About what?
Legolas: This place. It gives me the creeps.
Aragorn: Too bad, so sad. We'll be leaving soon, anyway.
Pippin: *suddenly* Hey, where's Frodo?
Merry: And where's Boromir?
*Everyone looks at everyone else and says "Uh-oh."*
Boromir: *sees Frodo* Hey! You shouldn't be wandering around all by your lonesome in such a hostile, forbidden-looking place!
Frodo: Pardon?
Boromir: Don't go off by yourself.
Frodo: Oh. Sorry.
Boromir: Can I have the ring?
Frodo: No.
Boromir: PLEEEASE?
Frodo: No!
Boromir: Pretty please with a mushroom on top?
Frodo: *wavers* well… NO!
Boromir: AAWWW, MAAAN! *throws giant temper tantrum*
Frodo: *runs off so as to avoid flying wood chips*
Boromir: *two seconds later* Whew, glad to get that off my chest. Hey, Frodo! Where'd you go!
*Uruk-Hai suddenly surround everyone everywhere*
Boromir: Merry! Pippin! I'll save you!
Lurtz: *shoots him*
Boromir: Okay, maybe I won't.
Lurtz: Hey, this is fun! *shoots Boromir again*
Boromir: Y'know, one would have been enough.
Lurtz: Me like this bow! *shoots Boromir yet again*
Boromir: Okay! You want me to die! FINE! I'll DIE! *falls over*
Lurtz: Hahaha! Me like new toy! *is just in time to have his arm cut off, be run through the middle, and get decapitated by Aragorn, who is just a little ticked off at the moment*
*Aragorn and Boromir say their last words and Boromir dies*
*Legolas and Gimli walk into clearing*
Legolas: Oh, look! He's dead. That's a shame.
Aragorn: *looks up* For Pete's sake, Legolas. You could at least have the decency not to look like you're trying to throw up.
Gimli: *chortles*
Legolas: *sniffs*
Gimli: Hey! Where's Frodo? And Sam! And Merry? And Pippin!
Aragorn: *groans* Great. The Uruks took Merry and Pippin, and Frodo and Sam ran off to Mount Doom to destroy the ring.
Legolas: I vote we go after Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: Me, too.
Aragorn: Good decision. Let's go Hobbit Hunting!
Legolas: *blinks* I thought we wanted to save Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: I mean Orc Hunting.
Gimli: They're Uruks. Not Orcs.
Aragorn: Whatever. To infinity – and beyond!