Just a one shot I typed up while ago

WARNING: INTENSE FEELING OF FEELS

Enjoy!

Hazel Grace

It's been six months since Gus died. Six long abhorrent months of tears and a sadness in my heart that didn't seem to go away; six months of not hearing his voice along with those witty comments that sometimes that left me speechless, or seeing his metaphorical cigarette between his lips. Six months have passed and I still cry myself to sleep at night. My parents are trying to get me to move on but everything I do remind of him, which doesn't help at all. I curse myself sometimes for doing everything with Gus but then I realize, I like the feeling of him being everywhere I go. Isaac and I have gotten closer the past few months, I guess it's because we both remind each other of Augustus.

Sometimes we go to his grave and lie in the grass for hours talking about our day or what is happening in our lives, like Gus was really there. I, myself, have not been exceptional either, my lungs are filling with more fluid now, I've been to the ICU five times in the past few months, the Doctors are trying to do everything they can but I know I'll be gone soon. But in a weird, morbid way, I'm not afraid; in fact I cannot wait to get off this godforsaken earth where I am only known as 'The girl with cancer' or 'Augustus Water's girlfriend.' I'm tired of people's pity, I'm tired of seeing my father cry, I'm tired of my mother smothering me, I'm tired of going to Support Group where everything reminds me of this gaping hole in my heart, I'm tired of trying so hard to keep living, and I'm just so tired of being without Augustus.

Today I went to Gus' grave alone, Isaac was out of town on vacation, which made little sense to me considering he was blind. I hope he manages to have some kind of fun. I sat down on the grass using my oxygen tank to support me as I made my way down. I stared at the tedious tomb stone, I knew if he was here, he would've hated it.

AUGUSTUS WATERS 1996- 2012

BELOVED SON, FRIEND, BOYFRIEND, AND STUDENT

I sighed and pulled out a paper from my purse that was slung around my shoulder. I cleared my throat and glanced at the tomb stone once again,

"Augustus, my love, I believe I have now come to the place where I can talk about our star-crossed love without becoming a blubbering mess. I'm sorry I wasn't able to speak coherent words the day of your pre-funeral, I apologize, and I know how much you loved to hear me speak. But today I am not going to talk about me, no, today will be about us and how we came to fall in love. Augustus Waters, when I first met you I was quite analytical towards you. A boy who seemed perfectly normal to be going to a Cancer Support Group. You were very persistent in trying to get me to watch V is for Vendetta, I will have to admit, I wanted to go with you and to this very day I'm glad I did.

From then on I couldn't wait to see you or get a text or even seeing your face but I knew of my condition and I knew that no boy wanted a girl who could die at any given moment. Just look at Isaac and Monica, I would not have been able to handle feeling that sort of pain...then again I guess I'm feeling that heartbreaking pain now huh?

When I first gave you 'The Imperial Affliction', I was nervous of what you would have thought of it, was I going to be considered dumb or a disconsolated girl who enjoys reading about someone who has cancer just as bad as I did? When I discovered that you loved the book as much as I did, I grew to like you even more and the truth is Gus, I was terrified. How would I give myself, well the functioning parts of me, to someone who had a greater chance at living than I did? I guess life is full of surprises because I gave into your charm, now don't get too egocentric about that Gus.

Our last day in Amsterdam was one of the best days of my life, I fell in love with you Augustus Waters. I didn't matter that after we confessed our love you told me you were dying; it didn't matter that you were going to end up in the hospital a few weeks later, none of that mattered. All the mattered was you and me. I guess what hurt the most about you passing was that I watched you grow weaker and weaker, I literally watched you die. But I know now that you aren't suffering anymore, to watch you in pain or lose your ability to walk was heart breaking and it hurt me watching but I continued to see you anyways. I guess we really do crazy things when you are in love. Now that I have that I have told you our love story, I'm here to tell you that yes Gus, I do like my choices.

-With love, Hazel Grace."

I sat there, tears streaming down my face, reading this was indeed difficult and if Gus was here he would say nothing but purse his lips and stare blankly at me before grabbing my hand and kissing my bony knuckles, the words 'I love you' escaping his mouth. The thought made me smile.

A hand touched my shoulder and glance up in surprise to see Isaac and his mother standing behind me. I sniffed and slowly rose to my feet. "What are you doing here Isaac?" I asked wiping my eyes trying not to make eye contact with him. Ha. Gus would have loved that joke.

"It's Thursday, we always come see Gus. You thought I'd miss that?" he questioned while holding onto his mother's arm. Isaac turned his head towards his mother, "You can go now mom, Hazel can help me."

His mother pursed her lips, "Alright Isaac, I'm just a call if you need me" her head turned towards me "you too Hazel."

I nod and looked away, the pity in her eyes made me want to rip my hair out in frustration but instead a quiet 'thank you' came out

With that she left the two of us alone in the cemetery. Isaac held his arm out, searching for me. Reaching my hand out I grabbed it and helped him to the ground where I was just sitting. "Any new stories, Hazel?" he asked running a hand through the grass.

"I finally read Gus our love story." I replied lying on my back staring at the white clouds pass above me, the wind blew through my short hair making a few stands fly from my face.

"Really now? You don't sound like you were crying?" he questioned.

I chuckled "Yeah I didn't cry as much as I thought. I think I'm finally accepting the fact he's gone."

The sides of Isaac's lips rose "That's progress then."

I sighed and crossed my arms around my head "I guess it is."

Isaac let out a groan "No. We can't keep doing this Hazel."

Sitting up with a risen eyebrow I stared at him "What?"

"This moping session shit we have every Thursday! Augustus would not want us like this, especially you Hazel." he says standing up on his own.

"What do you expect us to do Isaac? What do you expect ME to do? Do you think I want to be sad all the time? To miss someone so bad that it hurts? I don't want that Isaac but I don't know what else to do!"

"We're going to do the thing Gus would have wanted us to do, live life to the fullest or some kind of inspiring motivational shit. And I know exactly what to do." Isaac stated with a grin on his face. "Hazel Grace, how would you like to go on a road trip?"

I blinked at him blankly, was he stupid or something? We couldn't just leave our lives behind for some road trip, we were freaking handicapped for godsakes! "What are you talking about Isaac?" I ask.

He sighed and crossed his arms "We're going on a road trip Hazel, Gus wouldn't want you moping like this. So you're going to get your butt up and we're going."

Istood up and shook my head, even if he couldn't see "Is, I can't travel, especially with my lungs getting worse. I could barely travel to Amsterdam without my tank being changed every so often. I'm sorry Isaac, I just can't."

Isaac narrowed his eyes "Well what do you want to do Hazel? I can't stand to see you like this." He paused for a second "Pun intended." I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood. Too bad it wasn't working.

I looked away "I just can't Isaac, how will I be able to care for you? I can barely take care of myself."

"Don't worry about me Hazel Grace, I can handle myself. Tell you what, why don't we stick around town. We'll go to Gus' favorite places. Starting with the playground." I pursed my lips thinking, there was no harm in going to his favorite places right? I could finally let him and all the pain go. I could be free. At least for a little while.

"Alright fine." I say giving in "Just for a little while, I can't stay out too long."

Isaac smiled "Great! I'll lead the way." He chuckled and pointed to his eyes. "Get it, blind joke."

I let out a giggle "The best one you've made so far."

He grins "Just you wait, I have plenty more up my sleeve."

We walked, very slowly, to the park but eventually made it. I sighed and admired the area, memories of being with Gus here filled my head. I felt my heart clench just a little more at the thought of him. I led Isaac to a bench where we sat in silence. "So what makes you think of Gus when you sit here?" he says after a moment of silence.

"I think of Amsterdam, we sat on a bench like this and admired the scenery. Leaves were falling from trees and couples passed by us every so often. It was beautiful. That was the day he admitted he loved me. One of the best days of my life." I recall as I shut my eyes and lean my head back.

Isaac shifted a little in his seat "I remember when we were in the 9th grade, it was the year I met Augustus. I was some nobody who hid in the shadows and he was the popular bad boy that everyone talked about.

One day I was here at the park just minding my own business when a couple of senior jocks came and ganged up on me. Not a pretty sight. But then this kid approached us, cigarette in his mouth in all. The only words that came out of his mouth were 'You really wouldn't beat up a kid with cancer would you? I wonder how Collage Football recruiters will take that. Looks like you'll be out of a scholarship.' Those boys dropped me so fast and high tailed out of there, if I wasn't hurting so much I would have laughed. I was grateful to him and he helped me, physically and socially. Augustus Waters was my best friend."

I wiped tears from my eyes, Gus nor had Isaac ever told me the story of how they became friends. Now I knew and I wish I hadn't, I made me think of how truly amazing Gus was and how much I really did love him.

I was about to respond to Isaac when all of a sudden my chest began to tighten. Burning. It felt as if thousands of tiny knives struck through my lungs. I gasped for air, my oxygen tank acting like a cloud that gives me no support. I could hear Isaac's faint voice yelling for help. Then I was surround by people, my vision began to blur, yet I could make out Isaac's panicked face. Finally, I managed to choke out a call for my parents. But then I remembered, they weren't there. I was out when I shouldn't have been.

"Call an ambulance!" A male voice said.

Another pair of hands sat me up and began to pat my back, seems like Isaac told them how to handle this situation, but the pounding didn't work. In fact, it seemed worse. "You're going to be okay Hazel. You're going to be fine." I heard Isaac said before I slipped into unconsciousness.

I dream of Augustus, we were together again, holding each other with tears in our eyes. We declared our love for each other and right as we were leaning in for a kiss, I woke up.

The sound of a heart monitor was the first thing I recognized but I dared not open my eyes. I was in a hospital. I could smell it in the air, the hospital smell I mean. Like nothing but sterilization and occasionally the smell of death. It twisted my stomach around once in a while. My mother was beside me, holding my hand tightly. With each breath, I coughed a bubbly cough and gasped for more air. The heart monitor would beep a little faster.

Slowly I opened my eyes. My mother was half asleep, but moved to look at me when she heard me shift. Our eyes locked. Hers read terror. And I'm sure mine read pain. Glancing to the right I saw my father leaning against the wall, his back towards me, sobs raked his body. He was going to watch his only daughter die and there was nothing I could do. Slowly she reached out her other hand and brushed a sweaty strand of hair from my face.

"Are you ready, baby?" she asked softly. I knew she had been crying. I sucked in a breath, I see my father from the corner of my eye moving closer to the foot of the bed, burying his head into his hands. I

shut my eyes, trying to relax, and whispered softly, "I'm ready."

I heard Dad wail out quietly. He was such a baby sometimes. But I guess I wouldn't blame him. I was giving him and Mom pure hell. It was pure horror, a nightmare they couldn't escape. I wish I could apologize for being such an awful daughter, for not being able to stay alive. I wish I could have been stronger for them. My heart lurched at the thought of them being alone. Our home empty from our long talks together, the TV blasting America's Best Top Model. But I guess they'll survive. They'll have to. I thought of Isaac who would also be alone. Would Monica take him back when she realizes he has no one left in this world? Would their 'always' survive? I sure hope so. I hope everything gets better for them all, I really do.

I took a deep, shaky breath before biting my lip "I'm ready…."

I'm coming to see you Augustus.

Can't escape the feels

Sorry if any of you cried or teared up. I hope I portrayed Hazel and Isaac right.

And I hope you all enjoyed this little one shot! :')