Okay, i've been thinkng about this fic for a while, and I've always held back but I coudln't get it out of my head so here goes.
This is not everyone's cup of tea, I am more then aware so have a think about whether you want to read, this is going to require tissues, just a lil heads up. This is VERY heavy on the angst.
I wrote this in two sittings, 1,500 words in one and nearly 6,500 this evening. It has been a labour of love so try not to be too tough on me :)
Thank you to teh wonderful Lauren who has sat up with me until 6 am in the morning to get this done! Thank you Suzie, Laura, CoriMariee & Jess as well xx
He was freezing, still. Even after six days he still couldn't get warm. He closed his eyes as he heard someone approaching; he just wanted to be left alone. He was so tired, so incredibly tired but he couldn't sleep. He had no idea how long he'd been lying in his bed, he was sure that he had been released from the hospital two days ago, he'd been advised to stay in bed and he had no intention of doing anything else.
The hypothermia had left him completely immobile. He couldn't remember waking up in the hospital, he just remembered being there. His wife was by his side then, smiling, so relieved. She had informed him of just how worried everyone had been, and wiped her tears as she thanked god that he was alive. He couldn't remember what had happened to start with, he just remembered the cold. The doctor informed him that he had narrowly avoided losing two toes to frost bite, he didn't really care. He was so tired, he just wanted to close his eyes, to stay warm and to sleep.
His colleagues had come to see him, all at different points but the physical effect of hypothermia and then what turned out to be pneumonia left him struggling to remember exact details of the visits. The metallic sheet that they had placed over him, keeping in all of his body heat, was a god send. He never, ever wanted to be cold again, he didn't want to spend the winter in New York, maybe he could convince Kathy to move to Florida? It was never cold there. He hated the cold now.
"Daddy?"
He closed his eyes as he heard his daughters' voice outside of his bedroom. He had asked to be left alone, he knew his family didn't understand but he had nearly died. He just wanted to sleep, to regain his energy and to prevent his family from getting ill. As the effects of the hypothermia wore off, he had found it harder and harder to breathe, his chest becoming tighter with every breath he took. By the time pneumonia had been diagnosed he was sure that he was about to die, the pain in his chest almost unbearable.
The pills had helped, but he was told it would be a long recovery and while he did so he didn't want to see anyone, he certainly didn't want his children getting sick because of him. He just needed to sleep. In a few days, he assured himself, everything would be back to normal. He opened his eyes as he heard Maureen turning and heading towards the stairs. Elliot wrapped himself even more into the bed covers, despite the fact that he was already sweating. He never wanted to be cold again.
They were never going to live this down.
Olivia pulled her jacket closer, shivering as Elliot angrily beat his fists against the metal door. He had been trying to pry the door open for nearly thirty minutes, when the failed he decided to hit it. She sighed and looked around. How the hell had they let this happen?
They had been looking for the rapist of a teenage girl, after returning to the scene of the crime, an old meat packing factory they had been given a tour by the janitor. He had insisted that the girl had been found in the back room, something which she disputed, unfortunately Elliot had believed the lying bastard and ignored Olivia's concerns and followed his lead.
She and Elliot had been fighting, a lot. She didn't know why, she wasn't really sure what had changed but they were just rubbing each other up the wrong way constantly. She felt as though she couldn't say a thing without him taking it personally and she hated it when he was like that, it happened rarely but when it did she just wanted to smack him and tell him to grow the hell up. Today they had fought in the squad room, she had wanted to go back to the factory, he had wanted to interview the girl. Cragen eventually told them to shut the hell up and to do both.
So here they were. Elliot had gone in first, not even bothering to check that she was behind him, which of course she was. She had taken just one step inside when she saw the confused look on Elliot's face and turned back to face the janitor, he had lead them into a freezer? Without warning he hit out and pushed Olivia to the floor, she had barely hit the ground when the door slammed, leaving them both in complete darkness.
They had only literally found the light now, thirty minutes of darkness in in a freezer with a partner who did nothing but grumble and curse was a real joy.
"Elliot," she started. "It's not going to work-"
"Do you have any better ideas?" he asked, angrily turning to face her. He knew it wasn't her fault, he knew that but he was pissed. He was locked in a god damn freezer. His cell phone wasn't working and neither was his partners and worst of all he had willingly let the son of a bitch lead them into the freezer that they were now locked in.
"No, no I don't. Why don't you keep going, maybe when you break your shoulder you'll learn your lesson." She wasn't in the mood for his bullshit. She hated being cold.
An hour later, Olivia checked her phone again; there was no chance of any signal. Elliot had given up only a few minutes before and they were both now sat on the floor at opposite ends of the freezer. She was grateful that the freezer was no longer in use; being stuck with Elliot was one thing, but the carcases of pigs and cows? It wasn't even worth thinking about.
"Cragen will realise we're here soon enough," Elliot spoke for the first time in an hour. Olivia simply nodded. She was starting to feel the cold; her not so thick jacket was perfect for the April weather, not so perfect for being locked in a freezer. Elliot was wearing his usual suit jacket.
"Do you remember the janitors' name?" Olivia asked, unable to remember herself. He had seems so insignificant.
"No, but they'll have records. They'll know who he is. You think he's the one that raped Chantelle?"
"I can't think of any other reason why he would lock us in here?" she sighed. She hated the silence between them. He had been so distant recently, and she wanted to ask him why but she was gun shy. After so many years of being on the receiving end of his temper she no longer had the energy, so she sat, silently, just waiting to be found.
Kathy sat on the side of the bed, watching as her husband swallowed yet another set of pills.
"How are you feeling?" she gently brushed the palm of her hand across his cheek. He had lost weight, a lot considering it had only been eight days ago that he and Olivia had been trapped. Elliot had been so distant since then, she was sure it was because of the illness. The initial hypothermia and now pneumonia, the strong tablets didn't help either. She had never seen him this disorientated. "She called again…" she started slowly. "She wants to come and see you-"
"No, just…just tell her I'll see her when I'm back at work." He mumbled, lying on his side, still incredibly tired but unable to sleep. She had called numerous times now, but he wasn't ready, he still felt too weak. Physical illness wasn't something that often took him out, but this time it was different, he had never felt anything like this before.
"Try to get some sleep?" Kathy whispered, not used to seeing her husband so weak. "I'll come back up in an hour or so, do you need anything? It's pretty hot in here, shall I bring up a fan-"
"No, I'm cold." He wasn't, they both knew it, the sweat on his forehead was more than a giveaway. He just didn't want to be cold. Not ever again.
"Jesus, it's freezing." Elliot rubbed his hands together, after three hours the cold was finally starting to get at him. He loved the winter, not so much the cold, but the snow, watching his kids run around, screaming and throwing snow balls at each other? He wouldn't give that up for the world. At times like that the cold was worth it, now? Now it was just cold.
"We're in a freezer," Olivia stated, matter of factly. She was cold and she was pissed off, the cold didn't seem to be affecting him at all. She had taken her jacket off and sat on it to prevent her but from getting too cold while she sat.
"Look, we may be here for a while so why don't we just talk…" he offered, he knew that she was angry at him. He'd been an asshole, he was snappy and pretty damn difficult, he knew it. She hadn't done anything to him, and yet, he had taken his mood out on her – again. Usually she took it, she shouldn't have, but she did. This time she was biting back and that result in public displays of aggression.
"What do you wanna talk about?" she asked, not bothering to look at him. Jesus, she hated the cold.
"Whatever you want to-"
"Elliot…" she closed her eyes briefly. She had perfected the art of small talk with him, she hadn't really had a choice, but she really wasn't in the mood for it now.
"I'm trying…" he offered. They always got to this crossroad, he was sorry, she pretended it was fine and slowly they would slip back into their old routine until something else happened and one of them would ruin it. Why could they never breathe the cycle? She was so tired of doing this with him time after time. Couldn't he see how exhausted she was?
"I'm so sick of us fighting Elliot," she admitted, rubbing her hands together for warmth. "It's just exhausting when you're like this-"
"Like what?" he asked, trying not to frown. Sure, they hadn't been getting on but it wasn't all his fault. She wasn't exactly perfect, she pushed him when he needed to be left alone, and she argued with every decision he made.
"Like…this…" she shook her head. "Forget it…" she couldn't even remember what they had been fighting about in the first place. She knew that she wasn't blameless, the constant late nights and over time that some heavy cases had brought had just left them both on edge and now they were doing what they did best, picking it out on each other.
"No, come on, why don't you tell me just how unreasonable I am?" He couldn't help but raise his voice. Why the hell was it always his fault?
"Elliot…" she sighed, rolling her eyes. What better place to fight that in a damn freezer, the atmosphere was perfect.
"No, you know what Liv, you're right. I'm impossible right? How the hell do you do it every day?"
"Stop it-"
"You're not exactly easy, you're not a ray of sunshine all the time either!"
"No, no I'm not. Because I'm tired, I'm tired of this and I'm tired of-" she stopped, forcing herself to swallow the words that were so dangerously on the tip of her tongue.
"Tired of me?" he asked, his heart sinking slowly. She didn't answer, she simply looked away. He had his answer.
It had been nearly an hour since either one of them had said a word. She was freezing. And if it was possible, since the words she and Elliot had shared she was sure the temperature had dipped even more. She was tensing her jaw so tightly that it hurt just so her teeth wouldn't chatter. She wanted to say something to him, to tell him that she was sorry. She wasn't tired of him, she was just tired. She knew that she wasn't perfect, they just clashed sometimes. Considering the amount of time that they had spent together, and the amount of years that they had been partners they were doing well. They had gotten through the worst of their issues years ago. It was just times like this when they rubbed each other up the wrong way, a good night's sleep would have set them right.
She wanted to tell him that she wasn't tired of him, that she doubted she ever could be, but she couldn't tell him that, she wished that they could be that honest with each other but they really never could. She looked up as he shifted, eventually standing up and walking towards her. She frowned, watching as he took of his jacket.
"Elliot, no-" she started, her teeth chattering as soon as she opened her mouth.
"You're freezing," he mumbled, pushing the jacket towards her.
"And so are you, even more so if you take that off-"she shook her head, she couldn't take his only source of warmth.
"Hey, I'm a marine remember? You're just a girl," he offered a soft smile and sat next to her. She shook her head, trying to hide her grin and slowly reached for the jacket. He rubbed his hands together, he could deal with the cold, it wasn't unbearable, yet.
"I'm not tired of you," she offered softly, not looking at him, staring straight ahead. She hated thinking that she'd hurt his feelings. Marine or not he was only human.
"I'm not tired of you either," his knees knocked against hers as they both sat with their legs huddled towards their chests.
"How could you ever be tired of me?" she asked, finally turning. These were the moments she loved with him, the moments where they didn't need to talk, they just knew. She had never been so in sync with another person, it frightened her sometimes, she often wondered if that was the reason they fought so much? "You think anyone knows we're here?"
"They'll find us, eventually, until then there's only one thing to do…"
Twenty minutes later Olivia shook her head, stifling a laugh as Elliot began again. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…"
"Elliot if you say F for freezer again, so help me-"
"Hey, we don't have a lot of options okay?" he shrugged. "Eye spy is…not working," he pushed himself up to his feet. "There has to be another way out of here or something?" he looked around, nothing on the ceiling, no possible escape there. Olivia had almost forgotten how cold she was with Elliot next to her, entertaining her with his awful game playing skills but as soon as he left her side the chill was back. She clung to his jacket even tighter, refusing to admit that she loved that it smelled of him.
"Bingo!" he pushed aside the only item of furniture on the room, a metal set of shelves, to find what looked like a small cubby hole.
"What is it?" Olivia asked, hoping it was some sort of exit.
"He was obviously planning on keeping someone in here." Elliot reached in and pulled out two blankets. Throwing one to Olivia right away. "Now all we have to do is sit tight til they find us," he couldn't help but shiver. The longer they were in there the harder it was to shake off the cold, he knew that someone would realise they were missing soon. Olivia was struggling, she was trying to hide it but he knew her too well.
"Thank you," she mumbled, pulling the blanket over herself. "Do you think he planned to keep Chantelle in here?"
"She said that she kicked him and managed to run away, maybe that was his plan. Lock her in here and come back for round two?"
"Then leave her to freeze to death?" she asked, her heart sinking slightly. She was sure that they had time, plenty of time to be found before things would begin to become dangerous but the thought alone frightened her.
"We're not going to freeze to death," it was like he could read her mind.
"I know," she answered softly, there was no way that after more than a decade that this was how it would end…
"How's your chest?" Kathy asked, having heard him coughing just a few moments before she'd entered the room.
"Fine," he lied, he was in agony. The doctor said it could take weeks to really recover, but that the medicine would help. It didn't. He still hadn't slept. He wasn't even sure what time it was.
"You should start to feel better soon," she placed a soft hand on his chest. He was boiling and clammy, she sighed softly. "Elliot can I open a window or something for you?"
"No, no I'm good," he reached out and slowly took her hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not really sure what he was apologising for, just knowing that she was concerned and he wasn't doing anything to help to ease her mind.
"You don't need to be sorry," she gently cupped his cheek, caressing him, grateful that he was with her. She remembered Cragen calling, asking if she had heard from Elliot and the panic had set it right away. It had been a further eighteen hours before she finally heard that they had been found. They had been the worst eighteen hours of her life. "Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?" she offered, just wanting to make him feel better.
"I just need to sleep," he let go of her hand and turned onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin yet again.
"Okay, you sleep. I love you," she offered, walking out slowly without having had a reply.
"Jesus, it's cold." Olivia's teeth chattered, she was shaking, unable to control her body's response to the cold any longer. The blanket that Elliot had found had helped to start with but even the cold now seemed immune to its defences.
"Okay, time for plan b," Elliot answered, his own teeth chattering.
"I didn't even know we had a plan a."
"Plan a was wait to be rescued, which is taking longer than I expected it to." They had been locked in the freezer for nearly six hours. He could see that she was struggling before they'd even been in there an hour and he had worried then, he was even more worried now. She had recently lost weight, he wasn't sure if it was because of the case load or some deranged idea that she needed to, but she seemed that but more fragile now. "So plan b is body heat," he gave her a quick smile. He was trying to keep her mind off of the fact that she was freezing. Something he had had to do with Dickie after he had fallen into a huge puddle when he was five. It was easier with five year olds, all he'd had to do then was make stupid faces and promise to buy his son McDonalds, he figured that Olivia would be slightly harder to distract.
"Body heat? Smooth El," she teased. She knew that he was worried, she knew that he knew that she wasn't as tough as him and she hated that. "I'm fine, we're both cold, I'm tougher than I look."
He couldn't help but wince, knowing that his hard words a few years ago had been etched into her memory. Because of the way that he had treated her then, she now wouldn't allow herself to be vulnerable in from of him. "I'm kind of freezing myself," he admitted, knowing that the only way to get her to allow him to help her was to make her think that she was helping him in return.
A few minutes later they were lying against each other, both blankets were covering them as her back was pressed tightly against his chest. If she wasn't so damn cold she would have been freaking out. She was spooning Elliot Stabler, spooning… He had his arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly against him.
"This feels weird," he admitted, enjoying the fact that she was so close just a little bit too much. She had never ever let him hold her like this before, they had had one brief shining moment after hos youngest son was born, but this was totally different.
"If they find us like this we're never living it down," she mumbled, still shaking slightly.
"Liv, we're locked in a freezer, we're never living it down either way. I can imagine the guys now," he sighed. This would be something that would stay with him for a long time, he just knew it.
"It could be worse," she offered.
"It could? It could be worse than being locked in possibly the coldest freezer in the world?" he asked. He was almost grateful that she was facing away from him. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help but be slightly grateful that fate had dealt them this shitty hand. He was finally able to hold her, all the times that he had seen her struggling not to cry, to hold it together, he had wanted to do this then, even knowing that it was wrong. She was his one weakness. "I think you're wrong," he told her. He had had thoughts about Olivia that he shouldn't have had, but he had never crossed the line, not that he hadn't wanted to. There was a time when he truly believed that something was about to happen, something did happen, Eli.
Despite being in love with his wife, and loving his children Olivia had changed him. There was no one in the world apart from his children who had a deeper hold over him, and she didn't even know it.
"Well, you could be stuck with Much…" she couldn't help but grin, feeling him stiffen behind her.
"Now that is just…You're right, it could definitely be worse," he laughed behind her, a deep laugh from the very pit of his stomach. She loved his laugh. She shook her head, the cold was making her slightly delirious. The cold and the fact that she was so close to Elliot that she was sure she could feel the steady beat of his heart against her back. Lovers had held her like this before, and it had never felt like this.
Elliot was the man that she had cared about for longer than she could remember. It didn't start out like this, and at times it faded, she had managed to convince herself that she didn't have anything other than platonic feelings for him on the day that she found out about Eli. She cared about him, more than she would ever admit but she knew where to draw the line.
She had, at one time found herself judging dates by Elliot's standards. That was about as successful as the Titanic's maiden voyage. No one could ever match up to him. He was the most important person in her life, she knew this just a few years into their partnership. Now, as he laughed behind her she wondered how she would ever cope without him. She silently chastised herself for liking the feel of his body against hers, she was playing with fire. Fire…Jesus, she was freezing. She pulled the blanket closer to her body, accidently shifting against Elliot. She froze.
"Uh, El?" she barely whispered, feeling him tense against her.
"It's my gun, I swear…"
"Daddy?" his daughters voice shook him from his daydream. He heard the click of the door, and soft footprints leading to the bed.
"Katy, I'm sick-"
"I just wanted to see you…" she told him softly. She had never seen her father so sick. He didn't get sick.
"Baby…"he started. "I don't want you to get sick as well." He grasped his chest as he began to cough, the pain was almost unbearable. He watched as his daughters eyes widened.
"Mom!" she called, her voice full of worry. Kathy ran up the stairs and into the room in a matter of moments. She gently lead Kathleen to the door as Elliot continued to cough.
"Baby, he's okay." She promised as tears filled her daughters' eyes. She had never ever seen her father like this. "He's going to be okay, this is the worst of it okay?" she cupped her daughters cheeks. "He's going to be fine." She placed a soft kiss on Kathleen's forehead before ushering her out of the room. She sat on the bed, rubbing Elliot's back as the coughing fit simmered down. "You okay?" she asked, her hand.
"Is she okay?" he asked, barely catching his breath, the pain becoming less intense.
"She's okay, she's just worried, they all are." She pressed her lips against his cheek. "I know you're sick, but I'm…I've never seen you like this and I don't know what to do?" she admitted, tears filling her eyes.
"I'm sorry…" he seemed to be apologising every time he saw her.
"No, no don't be sorry I just…I need you to tell me what you need me to do?" a single tear slipped along her cheek.
"I just…I need to get better." He did. He needed to regain his strength. The doctor warned them it would take weeks. "You don't need to so anything, you're doing enough." He lay back down slowly.
"You need some more sleep?" she asked, wiping her eyes. She knew that he wasn't sleeping, she had been sleeping in with Eli, Elliot had insisted so that she didn't get ill but she could hear him shifting in the bed from the next room. Her husband had been shot before, even then it didn't affect him like this. She needed him to get better, to really rest and begin to recuperate. She took a deep breath before starting. "I know that you said that you would see her at work, but uh-"
"She called?" he mumbled, running his hand along his face. He couldn't shake the constant disorientation. He just wanted to be left alone, to recover, to become strong again, then he could think about facing what happened. Now? Now she just needed her to stop calling. He knew that she was worried but he would call her when he was ready.
"I told her that you would see her when she came back to work but she asked if she could come round?"
"No," he sighed.
"Elliot-"
"I said no!" he snapped. Closing his eyes and turning away from his wife yet again. "I need to sleep…" he heard the door click behind him moments later.
"You need to stay awake," Elliot mumbled, struggling to do the same. They had been locked in the freezer for nearly twelve hours. He had found the blankets four hours ago, by now the cold was almost unbearable. He could feel her shaking against him, he tensed his whole body to prevent himself from shaking too. He knew that any minute the team would burst through the door and it would all be over but until that point he needed to keep Olivia awake. He was frightened that if she fell asleep she would never wake up. "Olivia, wake up," he shook her slightly.
"I'm awake…" she whispered, her teeth chattering. "I'm so tired," she mumbled. She wanted to sleep, she just wanted to close her eyes and sleep.
"Turn around," he urged, pulling her until she was facing him. She was so pale. He knew that they needed to keep active but he was exhausted, he barely move himself. "Come on, snap out of it Olivia."
"Sorry…" she finally opened her eyes. "I always thought…that I was more of a summer person…" she tried to joke, sensing his worry.
"Wanna move to Florida?" Elliot asked, nudging her slightly as her eyes closed again. "Come on, come on, sit up." He sat himself up, fighting the pain in his fingers. She was hypothermic, that much he knew. He helped her into the sitting position and sat behind her, twisting slightly so that she was leaning in his shoulder, so that he could see her face.
"I hate Florida, too many old people…" she had always hated the idea of Florida, she and her mother had gone there on holiday when she was fifteen and she had struggled to find a single person under 60. Her mother had chosen a hotel where she wouldn't meet any boys, to keep her out of trouble as she had put it. It had left a sour taste in Olivia's mouth.
"So I should cancel the room I've been saving for you in Florida's finest retirement home?"
"If you want to live…" she shuddered as the cold ran through her body yet again. Elliot bundled the blankets around them, struggling with his own light headedness. He couldn't stop her from shivering, he could barely stop himself. He rubbed his hands up and down her arms hoping to create some kind of heat.
"They'll be here soon…" he closed his eyes, wondering if they were coming at all. He needed to keep them both awake and talking. "Liv?" he called softly, she looked up at him. "We're getting out of here, you hear me?" he watched as she nodded slowly.
"I never want to be…cold again…" she spoke through chattering teeth. "We should…have the heating on in the car…even in July…"
"I think we can manage that, whatever you want," he promised. He was fighting his own urge to sleep, to just lie next to Olivia and sleep until they were found but it was too dangerous. If she had hypothermia there was every chance that she wouldn't wake up again and he was not willing to take the chance, ever.
"This…would be the worst end …ever," she mumbled, resting her head against Elliot's shoulder as she sat against him.
"Nothing's ending..."
"I thought it was be…blaze of glory…not…this." She shook her head. "There are so many things-"
"Liv, this isn't it. Come on, I now you're tired, it's the hypothermia but as soon as they find us they can treat it and things will all become a little bit clearer." He had learnt that one of the strongest symptoms of hypothermia was disorientation. She was already mumbling, he knew it wouldn't be long before she was slurring her words.
"They're not coming…"
"They…they are…" he shivered, yet again pulling the covers against them both. Of course they were coming. He had five children at home, there was no way that a little bit of cold would keep him away from them. They were going to be fine, they were going to found and they were going to laugh about this, he knew it.
"I'm sorry…that I let him push…me in here…" she offered an hour later, still awake, still fighting the need to sleep.
"Hey, no…stop it-" he yet again rubbed his hands up and down her arms, but he was so cold how, he could barely feel his own hands.
"When I was…thirty…" she started. "I promised myself that I wouldn't…die with regrets."
"Olivia, we are not…going to die," he could no longer stop himself from shivering, he knew that he too was hypothermic.
"No one knows…no one knows that we're…here," she told him as tears filled her eyes. She had never imagined that this would be how she would die. She had thought about it often, sometimes too much. She had always imagined dying in the line of duty, taking a bullet, she wasn't the 'old lady dying in her sleep' type, but this, this was just unfair.
"I know…" he swallowed the lump in this throat. He closed his eyes for a moment as the reality of the situation hit him. He had spent so long convincing Olivia that they were going to be okay that he had almost convinced himself.
"Are you... scared?" she asked, her entire body shaking against his. A tear slid down her cheek as he pressed his chin against the top of her head.
"Yes…" he whispered.
"You're…thinking of the kids?" she forced herself to open her eyes, he needed her, he was scared. She felt him shake against her.
"I didn't even get the chance…to say goodbye…" tears filled his eyes as he thought about his five children. "This isn't supposed to be it Liv…" he shook his head. He knew that they had a matter of hours before the hypothermia killed them both.
"I know…" she whispered. "And I'm sorry…you have…so much more to lose," she reached for his hand, barely able to feel it with her numb hand but trying to assure him all the same. It wasn't fair. There was no one waiting for her outside, she knew that and accepted it, but Elliot had a family. He had five children and a wife who would all be lost without him. She wished she could take his place, she wished she was in the damn freezer alone, or not at all. She would happily sacrifice herself for him. She would have done anything to get him out alive.
"I thought…I thought that I would have had children," she admitted softly. She knew that Elliot could not face thinking about his children, not now, so she changed the subject and they had somehow gotten onto regrets It seemed only fitting.
"I regret not…talking to my mom more…"
"She loves you…" Olivia mumbled, feeling more tired than ever. "She told me."
"I thought it was you…" he wished that he had thanked her then. "Thank you." Better late than never. His hands were numb. He was trying to squeeze her hand, but he couldn't tell where his hand ended and hers began. He hated the cold. His lungs felt like they were freezing from the inside out and he knew that sooner or later he would struggle to stay awake himself.
"I regret it too…my mom…" she closed her eyes for just a moment, prying them open again. Before Elliot could tell her that her mother loved her as well she spoke. "I've never skinny dipped…" he watched as a small smile spread across her lips. She was amazing. Even now, she was trying to make him smile. He shook his head slowly, his heavy heart sinking even further as he realised what he was most frightened of saying. "I…I regret leaving the house…before anyone was awake this morning." He let out a strangled sob.
"El…" Olivia bit her lip as tears filled her eyes. How could she comfort him. She wanted to take his pain away, to assure him that he would see his beautiful children again but she couldn't lie to him, it was cruel. "They…they know how much you…love them…" she could barely speak, her jaw hurt from the chattering teeth.
She turned into him as much as she could, desperate to comfort him as he sobbed behind her. "I'm sorry…" she whispered as her own tears escaped. She closed her eyes, urging herself to move. Slowly as she began to feel again in her hands she brought her hands up to cup his face, brushing away his tears with her thumbs. "I'm sorry…"
"I wanted to be a cowgirl…" she admitted, her head pressed against her partners shoulder. He had sobbed for his children for nearly an hour. He wasn't ready to let them go, how could he? Him losing his life would be the real tragedy here. The only person who would have been waiting for her on the outside was locked in the freezer with her and she hated herself for secretly being relieved that he was by her side. She would, of course, have got him out if there was any way in the world but having him by her side now had eased the fear that she would have felt if she had been on her own, or with anyone else in the world.
"A cowgirl?" he turned his face away from her and coughed, his lungs becoming tighter and tighter with each passing hour.
"I…" she stopped as he coughed, wanting to comfort him but being unable to move so she did wat she did best and carried on. "I wanted to marry the milky bar kid…" she felt his chest rise against her, an attempt at a laugh.
"You two would have made a cute couple," he smiled, the urge to close his eyes becoming stronger and stronger. He needed to keep her awake, he wasn't ready to let her go. He couldn't admit it but she was the only thing keeping him alive. If he had been on his own or with anyone else he would have already given in. He wasn't ready to die, he didn't want to die, but when he had been morbid and thought about how he wanted to go out he'd always felt guilt. He hadn't thought about dying with his children around him, his wife at his side, it was always Olivia.
He used to feel guilty about that, he knew that his death, witnessing his death would be just another tragedy in her life and he hated thinking of it, thinking of it causing her pain but that was always the way he imagined it, in the line of duty, with his partner at his side. He didn't ever thing that his partner would die with him.
"El, I know we…we moved past regrets…" she started, wondering what the hell she was doing. "But I have one more…the biggest one…"
"What is it?" he asked, looking down at her. Her head was resting on his shoulder, two of her legs draped over one of his as she sat at an angle.
She looked up at him as he waited for her answer. When her cold lips met his she he didn't move. He didn't pull away. He opened his mouth against hers to deepen the kiss, only stopping as her teeth began to chatter again. She pulled away, any kind of reason having abandoned ship. Nothing really made sense, kissing him had almost made sense, she didn't want to die without him knowing. She figured that the hypothermia had somehow turned off all of the hundreds of warning signs that she had placed in her brain for when she got too close and she didn't care anymore.
"What was that for…" he asked, having not moved at all since her lips had met his, he couldn't think straight. She had kissed him. He had kissed her back.
"I just wanted you to know…" she trailed off. What did she want him to know? Did she want him to know that she was probably in love with him? That her biggest regret is not having pushed herself when he was divorced? That the reason that she was single was because no man could ever measure up to him? She felt light headed, she must have been losing her mind.
"I know…" he whispered, pressing his lips against her forehead.
"El," Kathy gently stroked the side of his cheek, watching as his eyes fluttered open. "How do you feel?" she asked softly, her husband had slept for eight hours, the powerful pain killer finally pushing him over the edge.
"Okay…" he answered quietly, it wasn't a dream. The pain in his chest told him that.
"I uh," she stopped and took a deep breath, she knew that he was going to react badly. "You have a visitor."
"She's here?" he asked, watching as his wife nodded her head. He closed his eyes for a moment. He should have known that she wouldn't stay away. "Okay…"
"Come on, wake up." He could barely move himself. He needed to shake her, to wake her up. He pushed with all his might and managed to jerk her into consciousness. "You need to listen to me," he told her sternly, struggling to speak as his teeth chattered.
"Mmm okay…" she mumbled, blinking, forcing herself to open her heavy eyes.
"I can't do this without you, I need you to stay awake because…I'm scared…and I need you…do you know how much I need you?" he asked, his lungs burning. He had always needed her, to protect him from himself, from his anger, his rage.
"I need you…" she could barely form a coherent sentence. The need to sleep was too powerful. She closed her eyes again.
"No! No! You need to wake up. I'll help you, I promise, I'll help you to stay awake. Just stay awake okay?"
"Okay," she struggled to open her eyes. "El…thank you…" she whispered, hoping he knew exactly what she was thinking him for, For the years he had given her, for the friendship, the love and affection he had shown her. "I'm…I'm not scared…'cause you're here…"
"You don't need to be scared," he swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm gonna help you to stay awake, okay? I'm gonna stay awake with you Liv, we're going to stay awake together." He could barely move, he wanted so badly to shake her, to yell at her, to beg her to stay awake but he could barely keep himself awake. He pressed his lips against the top of her head. "I'll keep you awake, I promise…"
"You been avoiding me?" she asked softly, walking in to the bedroom. He sat up, watching as she nervously fidgeted with her fingers.
"Just wasn't ready," he offered, not sure what else he was supposed to say. He knew that Cragen had asked her to come, that he wanted some kind of reassurance.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, not taking any steps closer.
"How am I supposed to feel?" he asked wiping his hand across his face, waiting to wake up from the nightmare. Physically, after a whole night's sleep he was feeling better, just like the doctor said he would once the meds started to kick in.
"Everyone reacts differently-"
"Don't shrink me," he ordered, this was exactly the reason that he didn't want her there. He sighed, sliding his legs off of the bed, reaching for the sweatpants on the side.
"Elliot-"
"I asked you to give me time," he slid one leg in and then the next and stood up. He grabbed the nearest hoodie to him and slipped it over his head. He hadn't been stood up for nearly eight days and as he swayed she reached out to help him. As he stood against her, her arms both holding him steady she whispered, "Please let me help you."
He gently pushed himself out of her grasp and shakily walked towards the bedroom door. "You can't." He walked out of the bedroom leaving Rebecca Hendricks alone.
"Eliot, can you hear me?"
He could. He could hear someone, someone had found them. He knew they would. They were alive. He slowly opened his eyes. His chest felt as though a truck had landed on it but he was alive.
"Can you hear me?" the familiar voice of Donald Cragen asked. "You're in the hospital but you're going to be okay." He slowly opened his eyes and saw his Captain standing above him, he felt a soft hand in his. He turned to the side expecting to see his partner, instead he saw his wife. She had tears in her eyes, tears of relief and something he couldn't quite make out.
"You found us…" he whispered, his chest aching with every word he spoke. No one answered. He watched as Cragen looked from Elliot to Kathy, the two shared a glance. "What's wrong?" he asked, barely able to talk. Again, Kathy looked at Don, wiping her eyes as tears slipped down her cheeks. She gave Elliot a soft, sympathetic smile and then he knew.
"Where's Olivia?"
"Elliot…" Rebecca walked into the station, she had been looking for the man for over two hours, ever since his wife had called to tell him that Elliot had not returned. "You should be in bed-"
"I've been in bed for eight days," he answered, sitting at Olivia's desk looking through her drawers.
"You're still very ill," she spoke slowly, sitting across from Elliot at his desk. "You should be at home." Donald Cragen had called her, told her what had happened and asked her to speak to Elliot. He hadn't spoken to Elliot since he had woken up at the hospital, he had thought it would be best to leave him to recover physically but he'd sent Rebecca in to check that he was okay, as okay as he could be.
"I just needed to…get some things…" he answered.
"What are you looking for?" she asked, watching as Elliot routed through the drawers.
"Uh, just a CD, Liv's favourite…" he didn't look at the other woman once. "I want to play it for her…but I can't find it…" he shook his head pulling open the next drawer. He just wanted to find the CD, once he found it he would be able to go home.
"Elliot, I can take you home," she started, she knew that Elliot was still too sick to be out and about. He needed to get him home.
"I need to find this, thanks." Why didn't she understand?
"Your wife is worried…"
He looked up. "Why?"
"Elliot, you have pneumonia, you haven't gotten out of bed in days and suddenly you up and leave? The doctors said that-"
"I know what the doctors said-" he began to empty the contents of Olivia's drawers onto her desk.
"Elliot-"
"Stop! Can you just…can you just help me to find this? For her?" he asked, his eyes wide, his chest heaving as he finally met his Rebeccas' stare and found only sadness. Tears filled his eyes.
He opened his eyes slowly, he didn't remember closing them. They were still there, still in the freezer. He was tired, so tired but he had to stay away, for Olivia. He looked down, she was still in his arms. Her head was resting against his shoulder and her eyes were closed. "Liv…" he whispered, struggling to speak. She didn't move. He wanted to move, to shake her and wake her up but he could barely keep his eyes open. "Olivia," he called, his voice slightly louder this time, the pain in his chest intensifying as he tried to speak.
He pressed his lips against the top of her head. "You need to wake up." She didn't move. He used all of his strength to bring his hand up to her face, he stroked his thumb across her cheek. "Liv, come on…"he tilted her chin so that he could see her face. "L…Liv…" he swallowed the lump in his throat. Her lips were blue. "Olivia…" he called, tears filling his eyes as the pressure in his chest intensified. "No…." he shook his head. "Liv…" he shook her, not so gently this time. A single tear escaped as he called her name again, and again. "No," he cried, pulling her towards him, holding her tightly against his chest. "No, no, no, no," he sobbed, cradling his partners body in his arms. "Please…please wake up. Please, just wake up…Liv?" he looked down at her, his hand stroking her cheek. "I'm sorry…" he choked, pulling her against him as the tears streamed down his face. "I'm so sorry…"
"Elliot…" Rebecca watched as Elliot stood up slowly and back away from Olivia's desk, simply staring at it as tears filled his eyes. He shook his head as she stood up, approaching him slowly.
"The..the uh funeral is in a few days and I…she loves that song…" the first tear escaped. "She loved that song, she loved it…" he shook his head again.
"Elliot, this is a lot to deal with, especially while you're still sick-"
"Uh, I just need to find the song-" he brought his hand up to the back of his head, his chest felt as though it was about to implode, but this time it wasn't because of the pneumonia. He had never felt such pain in his life as the realisation hit him. She was dead. He had fallen unconscious just a few minutes after promising that he would keep awake and so had she, but she hadn't woken up.
"Elliot…" Rebecca watched as Elliot struggled to control his breathing, his chest heaving as more tears began to fall.
"God…" He dropped to his knees, unable to take the pain any longer. Rebecca rushed forwards and pulled him against her, holding him as he sobbed. It was as though a damn burst, he was inconsolable. She struggled to compose himself as Elliot fell apart right in front of her. Captain Cragen had explained that Kathy had been worried by his reaction, when Cragen had told Elliot the sad new he simply nodded and turned on his side. He hadn't mentioned Olivia since. Until now.
"I promised…" he whispered, barely able to catch his breath. "I promised her I would help her to stay awake…and I fell asleep-"
"You lost consciousness Elliot, there was nothing you could have done-" tears filled her eyes as the man in front of her cried like a child. "It wasn't your fault."
"I was supposed to keep her safe, I…I promised…" he shook his head. How was he going to carry on without her? After days of wondering if it had really happened he had finally realised that she was gone. It was the worst pain he had ever experienced. "I can't do this without her… I can't…go to her funeral… " he closed his eyes, unable to finish his sentence. How could this have happened? How could he have lost her?
"Elliot, this was a tragedy, something that you had no control over… you can't blame yourself." She watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head, willingly sinking into her arms as he cried. "You're going to be okay…" she whispered softly, wondering if he would ever be able to get over the death of his partner….
It had been three months. Three excruciating months. He had yet to return to work, he didn't know if he ever would. He couldn't walk into the station and see someone else sat at her desk, he wouldn't have been able to take it. Kathy had suggested narcotics, but he didn't want another partner. No one would ever be good enough.
He had spent a lot of time with his children, remembering the fear of never getting to see them again, they had helped him through the worst of it, whilst dealing with their own grief as well. He was incredibly lucky to have them. He had been speaking to Rebecca Hendricks on a weekly basis, something he felt that he needed to do, he wasn't sure he could carry on without talking to someone about Olivia. Kathy had offered, but how could he talk to her about Olivia? He couldn't tell her about his feelings for her, or about the kiss they had shared. She would never understand, and rightly so.
"So this is a classic," the TV's monotonous droning caught his attention. "I'm sure a lot of you out there would remember this guy, this is Mark Allen, and you may recognise him…he's changed a little bit… Mark was the milky bar kid, all those years ago."
Elliot looked up at the screen, the overweight, slightly balding ex milky bar kid looked utterly miserable, the man who at one point was Olivia's future husband. He sat back on the sofa and watched as the interviewer tried to get more than two words out of the poor guy. He listened as the Milky bar man spoke of his love for toy figurines and was still looking for the special lady and he couldn't help it, for the first time in three months, whilst thinking of Olivia, he smiled.
I didn't want to ruin the story and put the charachetr death warning at the start cause I worked really hard to to not make the death obvious until the end.
I know a lot of you don't like C/D stories but I think if it's done well (which hopefully this was) they don' have to be horrific. Hope no one is waiting for me with a pitch fork, would love to hear what you think xx