Permanent
He looked out the windscreen, rain creating tracks and waterfalls on the glass like tears. The wipers going wiping them away like a child furious at showing weakness. He pressed his foot down farther on the gas pedal, the engine under the black hood of the '67 Chevy Impala growling like a caged panther. Water streaking along the black body. He wiped at his face angrily, dashing the tears from his guilt ridden green eyes. His face hardened, his desperate attempt to hide the pain, guilt, anger and desperation he felt. Desperation to get to that crossroads.
His mind relayed to him memories he tried not to drag up, memories that made him ten times guiltier. Childhood memories, of dingy motel rooms, takeout food, the times his dad had left him alone to look after his baby brother by himself, the way he felt obligated to protect him. Save him. The times he woke in the middle of the night to a whimpered 'Dean?' and his baby brother climbing into bed with him, afraid of the terrible things in his nightmare, not yet aware of the things out in the world that could possibly be ten times worse. Are that much worse.
He brushed those memories away furiously, along with the memories of an hour ago. Her crying eyes, the blood she had been splattered with, her brothers' blood as she held him as he died. As he died because of him. Dean Winchester. Fuck-up extraordinaire. Sam had looked at him with such pity. He just couldn't take it. Couldn't face up to the pain he caused her.
He slammed his hand onto the steering wheel, the pain in his broken knuckle bringing him back to the present, away from the memories he was running from. Too late they were chasing him, and coming up fast. The rear-view mirror revealed his pursuer, a black mustang with blue racing stripes she had meticulously painted, the engine under the hood she laboured over lovingly, could blow the doors off of his car.
The windscreen too dark for him to see the pain ridden brown eyes, in her pretty face he could feel boring into him. He flinched thinking of her mouth pulled down in sorrow and guilt and her eyebrows pulled down in anger, aimed at him. For running or for his intentions he didn't know. Didn't really want to. He pulled in sharply to the shoulder on the side of the road. Getting out slamming his door in frustration leaving the engine purring. He walked round to the hood and sat, head in hands, the rain soaking him in an instant.
She pulled in in front of him, turning the engine off, and walking over to his drivers side door, she turned the comforting purr off and took his keys, dropping them into the pocket of her black leather motorcycle jacket. She came to stand in front of him, her converse making the gravel crunch. She stood in front of him, her hands gently moving his away from his face, avoiding touching his broken knuckle. Even after what has happened trying to comfort him, make him feel better, trying not to hurt him. Right now he'd feel better if she punched him in the face.
"Look at me, Dean, please," she muttered, her eyebrows drawn down in pain. He looked up, his green eyes guilty. Rain was splattering her, dampening her curly black hair, hitting her shoulder where a bullet wound pronounced itself with red dripping slowly out of the hole. She reached up, he thought she was going to slap him, he wouldn't have blamed her.
"Stop," she said the word firmly, her fingers gently stroking his jaw. "Stop thinking like that, did you know that demon was coming?" she asked harshly. He closed his eyes and shook his head, "look at me, did you know what was going to happen?" she asked. Again he shook his head, "so why on earth do you think that what happened tonight was your fault?" she hissed her eyes flashing. "I was supposed to protect him," he murmured.
"No, I was supposed to protect him, you were supposed to protect Sam, and you did, if anyone has the right to feel guilty and to sacrifice themselves to bring him back it's me. Don't you dare take that away. It was my fault if anything, but he knew what he was doing, don't you turn this into a damn mistake, he sacrificed himself so that we could go free, so that we could live to kill those bastards, don't you turn him into a martyr instead of a hero," she hissed grabbing his chin and forcing him to look her in the eye. "Don't you dare turn his last wish around on him," she glared at him. "I just- I-" his voice broke and another tear made it's way down his rain and tear streaked face.
"Would you want me to go to hell just to bring Sam back for you after he sacrificed himself in the first place?" she asked. "That's not fair!" he snapped. "How so?! You're basically doing the same thing to me; you're leaving me behind just to bring him back when he doesn't want to! He's my baby Brother yeah! But you're the man I'm in Love with! If you do this, I'll never ever forgive you! Not for leaving me right now," she wound down a sob breaking her last word.
The wind changed direction, sending her sent towards him, like Roses and Lavender. The smell tickling his nose, memories of the nights he had held her and whispered promises in her ear assaulting him. "You're not the only one to make the promise to never let someone see you cry Dean Winchester," she muttered.
"This is going to make me hurt, for a long time, But you can't go ahead and take away from me the only person who can make me feel any better Dean, who's gonna hold my hand if you're gone? I loved Ryan like you love Sam, but you can't go and screw up my entire life just to give him back to me," Her hands were shaking and her eyes were closed in pain. "I can't lose you Dean, not right now, I need you," She murmured, "Please?" her voice cracked and a tear spilled down her already wet cheek.
He sighed and stood pulling her into an embrace, "I won't, I won't, I'm sorry," he cried into her damp hair as she clung to him. "You're forgiven, now, come back?" she asked tilting her head back to see up into his face. He nodded, and she handed him the impala keys heading back to her own car. They drove back to the hospital; he drove in silence, contemplating how she had reacted. They arrived and walked in she was pale from the pain in her shoulder but was biting her lip to try to hide it.
"DEAN!" yelled his brother racing over to hug him tightly to his chest. "If you ever, ever scare me like that again I'll kick your ass, understand?" he asked scarily. He just nodded, didn't have the heart to think up a smart ass come-back. "Phee?!" exclaimed her best friend. He whipped his head around to stare at her, her eyes were closed and her face was pale. He ran over to her and helped her to a gurney, his heart tugging at him. "Don't you dare leave," was all she hissed at him. He shook his head and went with her as the doctors and nurses sewed her up...
3 days later...
"I love you," she muttered to him as they went outside, to her backyard, "I love you too," he muttered back kissing her temple. The backyard was draped in fairy lights and she was wearing a plain black dress, but she looked anything but plain in it. "Okay guys before we scatter his ashes, I want to play a song for Ryan, I wrote it just after the hospital, about one of the last things he ever said to me, so yeah here it goes," she sat down gracefully at the black baby grand piano, her fingers flying across the keys.
"Is this the moment where I look you in the eye,
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry,
And everything will surely change,
Even though I tell you I won't go away today,
will you think that you're all alone,
when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away,
and everything is temporary,
rest your head,
I'm Permanent.
I know he's living in hell every single day,
And so I ask,
Oh god is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it's all touch and go,
I wish I could make it go away,
But still he said,
will you think that you're all alone,
when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away,
and everything is temporary,
rest your head,
I'm Permanent,
I'm Permanent,
Is this the moment where I look you in the eye,
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry,"
She took a deep breath and stood tears in her haunted brown eyes; He took her hand as she went to tip her baby brother's ashes into the ground, by the base of a new baby pine tree, in the back yard of their childhood home. The boys, Sam and Dean shovelled the dirt back into the hole and Phee knelt down and carved in small letters into the trunk of the new tree his name. "Ryan James Marks" she kissed her fingers and pressed them to the tree and stood after placing a pure white Lily on the fresh dirt.
She sighed and turned back to Dean and hugged him, burying her face into the crook of his neck and breathing in his scent. He kissed her head and stroked her hair. He made a promise to himself that day, to never ever leave her. To never ever hurt her. And he kept his promise.
Ten years slowly crept by, and not a day went by where they didn't think about Ryan, Dean thinking of his best friend from childhood bar his brother. And Phee thought about him often, as her baby brother, and the hunter she was friends with. They grew older, with the war against demons almost over and Yellow eyes gone, the boys settled down. Sam and Phee's best friend Pixie got married popped out a couple of kids. Dean and Phee got a house together; close by the house Sam had built for Pixie. Staying close by for their nephew Matthew John and their niece Elizabeth Mary.
Phoenix and Dean eventually got married, Dean taking twice as long as Sam to actually pop the question. The two of them opening up a Garage in the names of both Dean and Phee's dads. They had one child, a son, who eventually grew up to take over the family business, married a girl named Jessica, lived happily giving Dean and Phee grandchildren.
His mom and dad named him Ryan Samuel Winchester.