Ebb and Flow

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I do not intend to make a profit off this story. The characters described within belong to their respective creators.

1.

"Why are you always here?" I asked, closing and locking the door to my apartment. "Don't you have a mansion to hang out in? This place can't be up to your standards."

Zero was sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table pretending to read a magazine. "You gave me a key," he said, shrugging.

Lately it seemed like every time I went to my apartment he was either already there waiting for me or he would walk in a little while after I got home. And it wasn't only for sex, though that was the majority of what we did when we were together. Sometimes we just hung out with each other and it wasn't for sexual release or to talk about his prospects. It was simple companionship. For someone who claimed he didn't do relationships and didn't want all the drama he was slotting himself into my life like he wanted to be there. Early on he'd said no relationships because they made things difficult. As this continued I wanted to ask him what his definition of a relationship was, because he was certainly acting like we were in one. But that conversation could wait.

I found myself making space for him. I'd wound up cleaning out a drawer for him to use to keep some of his clothes. My shopping list started to include food that he liked. And I'd even gotten him his own toothbrush after he'd been using mine. It was almost like having a boyfriend. The problem was almost wasn't good enough.

Dealing with him on top of dealing with the thousand other pieces of shit life threw at me was getting old. It felt like he was using me but I wasn't sure why. I left him sitting in the living room and went to my bedroom to change. He'd left a pile on the clothes on the floor. I made a mental note that doing his laundry was over the line.

As I started taking my shirt off he walked into the room. He almost looked uncomfortable and he'd crossed his arms in front of his chest like I might attack him. "Are you okay?" he asked. I wasn't sure if he really meant it or not, sometimes it was hard to tell. I turned away and started to get a change of clothes out from my dresser. "I can leave if you want," he said finally after I dragged the silence out as long as I could. I wasn't stupid. I knew that if he really wanted he could have pretty much anyone he wanted, he didn't have to be here with me. The fact that he was and he took even a fake amount of interest in me showed something. I just didn't know what. Right now I'd take what I could get.

"No, you don't have to leave," I said, sighing. "It's been a long day." There was so much I wanted to say to him, to yell at him, but I couldn't find the words. And I wasn't sure how he would react.

Zero must have sensed that there was still something wrong because he kept his expression guarded. I pushed past him and headed into the kitchen. The fridge was empty, mostly my fault but partly his. The sink was full of dishes that hadn't been washed. The feeling of being taken for granted that had started when I got home was threatening to take over completely. And I prided myself on never acting on those emotions. I tried to keep myself under control as much as possible, to push strong feelings away so I could be the professional calm and collected person I thought I had to be. That worked well in business, not so well in my personal life.

When I went back into the living room he was picking up his stuff and getting ready to leave. A feeling of panic flashed through me. "I said you didn't have to go," I said, trying to keep my voice neutral.

He laughed to himself and turned to face me. He had his mask on too, any emotion he might have really been feeling was covered with an air of bravado. "Yeah? Maybe I want to go," he said, but his voice didn't match his words. It was shaky and uncertain.

I took a few steps toward him and he didn't make any move to walk away. A small flame of anger was still burning brightly in my stomach but it was quickly getting replaced with a fear of being alone again. I didn't have many people who I could trust to look out for me. Zero was pretty much the only one. It felt like it would be stupid to push that away. Stupid or not, I couldn't force myself to move, to tell him to stay.

We stood at opposite ends of the room. Eventually he rolled his eyes and opened the door. "I'm gonna go."

He was back the next day like nothing had happened.

After the first time we'd had sex I was sure it was going to be the last. He'd done it out of pity, not any greater meaning. Yet he kept on coming over day after day almost like clockwork. After the fifth or sixth time finding him sitting in his car waiting for me outside I gave him a key. He didn't reciprocate, though I wasn't sure where he lived exactly anyway.

The first time I found him waiting for me it was a shock. He was sitting in his bright red Porsche trying to act like he had every right to be here and that things were just like they'd always been. After the night we'd first had sex he'd disappeared and I let him. It was too hard to believe that it had happened in the first place. So to find him here two days afterward made me latch on to the flagging hope that this was truly something he wanted too.

I walked past him without acknowledging him. It was almost like a game. I wanted to see if he was actually here to see me. It took me longer than it usually did to unlock my front door. "Jude, hey! Where've you been? I wanted to talk about some of my endorsement deals," he said, running up behind me.

It was so hard to keep the smile that was threatening to take over my face under control. I continued facing the door. "I have a cell phone. And an office. You didn't have to come here."

I risked a quick glance at him. He looked almost embarrassed. "I was driving around here anyway. Figured I'd stop by and see if you were home." He was so close to me, close enough I imagined I could feel his body heat.

Finally I unlocked the door to my apartment and let him in. "We both know that's not why you're here," I said softly. My whole body was caught in between wanting to run away from him and this whole situation and staying to see what he wanted.

Zero was staring at me like he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted either. A weak smile passed over his lips. Even though I was still unsure of myself and him I forced myself to act like this was completely normal, this was just a player checking in with his agent. Nothing deeper than that. Eventually he made his way over to the couch and sat down. I could feel him looking at me expectantly.

For whatever reason I didn't want to make this easy for him. "I'll be with you in a minute," I said. I had more important things to do so I tried to ignore him as I took care of stuff I'd been putting off all day. My desk was facing away from him so it was easier to ignore him. I turned on my laptop and started reading through e-mails.

I was dimly aware of Zero heading into the kitchen and getting something out of the fridge. He came back into the living room and put a bottle of beer on the desk beside me. "Come on, that can wait."

I'd just been reading e-mail after e-mail from sponsors that were pulling their support for Zero. Some of them had given him advancements and they wanted him to pay them back and return everything they'd given him. All of the e-mails had been sent to him as well so it wasn't like he was out of the loop. All day I'd been on the phone with representatives from the various companies trying to beg them to ride out the attention that had been turned on him. I'd only just become his full-time agent and it felt like I'd been thrown to the wolves. He was right, Jelena had taken it all.

Zero had been so distraught and almost broken a few days ago. That day in the limo when he put his hand on my thigh I thought he was reaching out the only way he knew. Instead I misread the situation, I put my emotion and desires on him. Now today he was acting like all his troubles were a mere blip in the scheme of things, a bump in the road to drive past.

I didn't look at him and took the beer. It was a welcome relief from the stress that was bearing down on me. Zero slapped me on the back and leaned heavily against the desk next to me. He was smiling and acting like none of it mattered right now. And he certainly had much more to lose than I did, so why shouldn't I see where this took me?

I put down the beer and grabbed his shirt. For a moment he looked startled but he let me drag him down into a kiss. When we pulled apart he still had his eyes closed. "That's what you wanted, right?" I asked. The words came out much harsher than I intended.

If Zero noticed or cared he didn't let it show. Instead his lips curled into a smirk. "What I wanted? I thought it was something we both wanted."

I kissed him again, my hands cupping his face and pulling him into me. He let me, whether or not it was something he wanted to do with me in particular or whether he would have been happy with anyone at all didn't matter. After we kissed for a while we pulled away from each other.

Zero winced and stood up with some difficulty. "Can we take this somewhere else?" he asked, running his finger under my chin. I found myself looking up at him and I wanted to believe this was more than sex, more than a release.

So I pushed my chair back and led him into the bedroom. We'd barely made it here the last time we'd done this. There hadn't really been any time to enjoy things or explore, it was just a flurry of taking off our clothes and drowning in each other. Now there was time to linger if we chose. I still wasn't sure what he was in this for and my mind was making it more complicated than it probably really was.

A quick glance around the room showed that I really needed to clean up. Everything I might have wanted to hide was out for all to see. For an instant I saw the room as he might have. I'd left some of my clothes on the floor halfway between my bed and the laundry basket in the closet. There were pictures on my dresser of my mom and a cat I'd had when I was growing up. Nothing of Oscar. Nothing recent. I didn't want to answer any of his questions. But when I looked at him Zero didn't seem to care, he followed me to the bed without making any detours or taking his eyes off me. I could barely stop looking at him but I kept on thinking about how he'd see my apartment and what he'd think about me because of it.

Zero was wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants. His shirt came off pretty easily, as opposed to my dress shirt and pants. He struggled with the buttons. "Do you own anything that isn't hard to take off?" he asked, grunting in frustration as the last button slipped through his fingers. I wound up having to help him. In between struggling to get undressed we continued kissing each other, sometimes getting so distracted that everything else was forgotten.

We were lying down side by side. I found myself running my hand up and down his body, tracing the contours of his muscles and finding out where everything fit together. His skin felt like it was boiling against mine, as if there was a furnace in his chest. He was tracing his hand along the waistband of my pants, trying to undo the buckle. Finally it flipped open and his hand slipped inside. I had been kissing him but the shock of his fingers touching my cock made me temporarily lose control. I fell boneless against him and rested my head against his neck while he continued kissing me. My breath was harsh and rasping. It didn't feel like I was getting enough oxygen.

The only other time we'd done this had been messy and loud and I wouldn't have given the memory up for anything. At the time I'd thought it was a one time only thing so I'd better make the most of it. Now that it seemingly wasn't I wanted to take advantage of it. We could take our time.

Zero started kissing down my chest. My heart was pounding. I could feel his beard scratching against my skin. My hand went to his head, following him as he made his way further down. "Zero!" I gasped as he reached my cock. My hand clenched in his hair and he pulled back. When he looked up at me I thought he might be angry but he had a smile on his face. "Sorry," I said.

He laughed. "It's okay," he said. His voice was soft and unassuming. Once he was sure I wasn't going to tear his hair out he continued paying attention to my cock. If I'd hurt him he didn't say anything and in fact it might have been a point of pride that he'd been able to get me to do it. It was surprising watching him lick up and down my shaft. I'd never even dreamed about doing this with him and it all had an almost dreamlike quality, everything was fuzzy around the edges. I'd been able to keep my head propped up to watch him but as time passed and he actually put my cock in his mouth the strength that I had left me. I was trying to be quiet, I really was, but with each swirl of his tongue I lost all ability to stop myself moaning loudly. I could feel him laughing around my cock. At that point I didn't care what he was doing as long as he didn't stop.

His hands were running up and down my legs. I wasn't used to that much stimulation all in one spot. My muscles tensed, I could feel something building deep inside of me. I wasn't going to last much longer. I didn't have much time to do much more than grunt out "Zero!" before I was coming in his mouth. He wasn't ready for it. Most of it landed hot and heavy on my chest. Zero leaned against my leg and wiped his mouth off. He was breathing heavily.

"Shit, next time give me a little warning, ok?" he said.

My mind latched on to the 'next time'. "I'm sorry, it happened faster than I thought."

He smirked. "Jude, it's fine." I could have listened to him say that forever. Finally we peeled apart from each other and I went into the bathroom to get something to clean up.

When I got back he'd moved only enough to rest his head on one of the pillows. It was obvious under his sweatpants that he hadn't calmed down at all. I couldn't resist grinning at him. He smiled back and gestured at his crotch with a raised eyebrow.

I flopped onto the foot of the bed in front of him. Zero's grin got even wider as I leaned over him. He grabbed me and pulled me down into a kiss. I traced along the waistband of his sweatpants before slipping my hand underneath the fabric and touching his cock. His skin was warm and I could almost feel his warmth draining into me. He moaned into the kiss. As I inched his pants down his cock sprang free from the fabric. It was half-hard and dripping pre-cum. I swallowed heavily. I'd never really done this before and it felt like I had to psych myself up before diving in.

Zero was remarkably calm about the whole situation. Right now we were kissing and he wasn't complaining. Then I went for it. I licked up one side of his cock. The moan he let out was worth it. I licked my lips and then tried to suck on it. I could feel his hands moving to my shoulders. He whispered my name. I tried as best I could and hoped that whatever I did was enough. He was certainly hard enough and between my hands and my tongue it felt like I might be able to get him off. The thought was a little empowering, I could see why some people wanted all the control. If I'd truly wanted to I could have stopped and left him begging for more.

But I didn't.

Zero pushed me away before he came. Some of it landed on me, hot and sticky and evidence that I wasn't a fuck up at everything. He was panting hard and didn't react when I wiped the both of us off. The only thing he did was start laughing to himself. "What?" A brief flash of terror rushed through me. Was he laughing at me? Was this all a joke?

"Nothing," he said, smiling to himself. "Just never really thought this would happen I guess."

I pulled the sheets up around us. He didn't resist. "Is that a good thing?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, is it?" That was pretty much what I expected him to say. Two thirds of what he said most of the time was bullshit. This was just more of it.

I rubbed a hand over my face, "I think so," I said finally.

"Then it is. Don't make such a big thing about it."

After that it seemed like every day I'd come home from work and he'd be waiting for me. If he wanted this to be discreet he was doing a shitty job at it. Maybe he really didn't care who knew. I was pretty sure my neighbors could tell what was going on. Sometimes I'd run into my next door neighbor as he lurked around outside checking his mail and watering the dead plant he kept by his front door. It was only by pure luck that he hadn't seen Zero walking by and recognized him. All Zero needed was to have another news story come out about him to make it all come crashing down again. I wanted to think that if it did come out people would be understanding but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

The day things changed Zero was pacing around on the sidewalk by my apartment complex. I drove past him without noticing him at first. When I parked my car he came jogging up beside it. "How long were you waiting for me?" I asked.

"Practice got out early. I went for a run." He made it sound like he'd just been in the neighborhood and had happened to stop by. But I could see his car parked around the corner and he wasn't wearing work-out clothes. There was something hungry in his gaze.

He was hovering behind me as I unlocked the door. I tried to pretend that this was normal and not intimidating the hell out of me. When the door opened and I let him in he immediately flopped down on the couch. He put his feet on the coffee table, pushing some of my magazines and papers onto the floor. It felt like I had to start drawing boundaries or he'd take over everything inch by inch. "Zero, I'd really like it if you called first. I'm not a big fan of surprises." I used my negotiating voice, the one that didn't give any wiggle room.

I expected him to fight me on it but he shrugged. "Sure, whatever you want." He gave me a placid smile. That was infuriating. It almost seemed like he was taking for granted that I'd always be there and I'd always let him in. It was true but admitting it was painful. Especially when he'd made it clear that it wasn't serious and he could walk away at any time. The whole situation made me mad at myself, mad that I still wanted to be with him even though there were no guarantees and it probably wasn't going to last very long.

It made me desperate. And stupid.

Zero acted like he wasn't either of those things. He leaned forward on the couch with a smile on his face. "If it's such a big problem for you why did you let me in?" he asked.

I was mid taking my jacket off and I stopped. There was a lump of anger in my throat that almost made me unable to speak. "Maybe I'm just hoping you'll change your mind," I said finally.

The smile stayed on his face but it was strained around the edges. He stood up and walked over to me, trying to intimidate me with his size even though I was slightly taller. I rose to the challenge, stepping forward until we were almost touching. His eyes flicked over my body and closed. He exhaled and I felt it against my neck. "And if I don't?"

It was a challenge. Zero wanted to see if I'd give up trying, if I'd push him away. And inside me a part of me was telling me I should. We wanted different things from each other and that wasn't going to change. My unhappiness was going to coil like a snake down in my stomach until one day I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. The other part of me wanted this, wanted whatever I could get with him. Right now it was all I had. It was that part of me that reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into a kiss that both of us wanted but neither of us would admit.

We both pulled away from each other slowly, almost like a dare. I opened my eyes before he did. He opened his slowly, a smile growing on his face. I smiled back, laughing under my breath. "If you don't I guess I'll enjoy this while it lasts." My smile was fake, his probably wasn't. At the moment I felt like I had to hold on to what I had, however little I truly had.

Zero's grin got bigger. I felt him put his hands on my hips and start to guide me toward the bedroom. And that part of me that was happy with whatever it could get let him.

Once we were in my bedroom we were all over each other. Zero'd had enough practice by now that he was able to get me undressed just as quickly as I could strip him. "You're in a hurry," I panted against his ear.

He bit down on my neck. "I've been waiting for you to get back for a while." I had to suppress a moan as he kept on kissing and sucking the same spot over and over. My hands clutched him tighter.

"You could have called. I would have come home early," I said, licking beneath his ear. Zero shuddered against me.

We stumbled into bed, pushing pillows and sheets out of the way. I wound up on my back staring up at him as he straddled my legs. I'd never really been in this position before and I didn't know who had to do what next. Zero must have sensed my hesitation because he had no problem taking the lead. He trailed his hands down my chest, following them with kisses. I had my hands on his hips. It was hard to keep my eyes open and pay attention to what he was doing.

Before I realized it he'd dropped something on my chest. When I opened my eyes and looked I found lube and a condom. Zero winked at me.

"Really?" I asked.

He stared at me without wavering and nodded. I smiled at him benignly and then pushed him over. Thoughts rushed through my mind, he'd obviously been way more prepared for this than I was, I hadn't even thought about buying lube. The nervousness I had felt when we first started doing this was fluttering in the back of my mind but I didn't want to let it show. He seemed willing to go along with whatever I wanted to do and he didn't resist when I grabbed him and pushed him onto his back. He watched intently as I opened up the lube and spread it on my fingers. It was cold and a lot more fluid than I was expecting. More of it got on the bed than stayed on my fingers. Zero laughed to himself. I had to join him.

I gave the lube a second to warm up before I slowly pressed a finger inside him. He grimaced in pain but didn't say anything. After a while his face relaxed and he didn't protest when I added another finger. I must have touched something inside of him that made him lose control because he grabbed onto my arms and pulled me down on top of him. All the bravado was disappearing. His eyes were half-closed and he was starting to breathe harder. I could barely keep control over myself. I tried to keep myself in the same frame of mind as I did when I was negotiating endorsement deals and didn't want to give away my true feelings just yet. It felt like if I let things give over so quickly it would all be over with and like it never happened.

After a third finger his cock was hard and mine almost seemed like it was harder. Zero stared up at me. "Jude, please, it's okay," he whispered. And so after I fumbled with the condom and lube again I pushed inside him. He let out a strangled grunt and gritted his teeth. I gave him time to get used to it. I couldn't really say I was ready to move either. It felt like I was bursting out of my skin, I could feel the heat rising between us. Zero started to push against me so I took that as a sign he was ready for me to move. Each thrust changed the pressure against my cock, rubbing it to heights I almost thought were impossible to reach. I abandoned myself to the feeling of him all around me. It was hard to do much else besides focus on the motion of in and out. I braced my arms on either side of him on the bed, closed my eyes, and tried to lose myself.

Zero wouldn't let me. He arched his back up against me so our chests touched and pulled me down into a savage kiss. I met each of his kisses with one of my own, finally reaching down to touch his cock. He gasped into my mouth. I had been trying to keep quiet but the longer this lasted the less control I was able to keep over myself.

It all turned out to be for nothing as he made me stop for a moment and then he flipped me onto my back and started to ride me, grinding himself down onto my cock with a violence I wasn't sure was safe. At that point I gave up any attempt at being quiet. Sounds I didn't know I could make burst out of my throat and mixed with his moans and echoed in the room.

He anchored himself against my chest, pushing himself up and down against me. I wasn't sure if the bed was going to hold up to the onslaught. It made ominous noises beneath us. That wasn't enough to make us stop. His cock was hard and hot in my hands and it didn't seem like either of us would last much longer.

After a few more minutes of wild bucking against each other I couldn't hold on anymore. I came, holding back a yell, clutching Zero's hips like he would disappear if I didn't. His hand covered mine on his cock and he came soon after. He slumped down on my chest before slowly pulling himself off of me and lying on his back next to me.

It took a long time to catch my breath. When I did I leaned over and looked at him. Zero stared back at me, a faint smile playing over his lips. "What?" I said. It almost felt like he was laughing at me.

"I don't think I've ever seen you let go like that," he said, shaking his head. He leaned over and kissed me. "I've never seen you that relaxed before."

I waited for him to say something else but it didn't seem like he was going to. When I realized it wasn't going anywhere I got up and went to the bathroom to clean off. He followed a few steps behind me. My bathroom seemed way too small. I was hypersensitive to how close he was standing to me, to how his hand brushed against mine when I gave him a wash cloth. I couldn't look in the mirror. I didn't want to know what I looked like.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're acting like something's wrong." He put a hand on my shoulder. I started shaking so hard he almost couldn't hold on. Instead of backing away like I expected he pulled me into a hug, resting his head on my shoulder. "It's okay."

I still couldn't quite force that same control over my emotions that I'd had earlier today to come back. So far I'd been able to keep it together but now it felt like it was all spinning out of control and I didn't want this to be the only time this happened. I'd grown used to coming home and finding him waiting for me. Right now it felt like we'd crossed a line. He might never come back. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink and inhaled and exhaled until the nervous energy dissipated.

I hated breaking out of his arms but I had to go and do something before the moment passed.

"Jude?" he called after me.

I grabbed what I needed from the living room and went back to the bathroom. Zero was staring at me like he didn't know who I was. I held a key to my apartment out to him. He shook his head. "I said no..."

"I know you did. This is so you don't have to wait outside for me." I tried to keep my face neutral and act like I didn't care whether or not he took it. If he took it that meant this wasn't it.

It took him a minute but eventually he reached out and took it carefully, examining it suspiciously before closing his hand around it. I couldn't read the expression on his face. He wasn't happy but he wasn't complaining either. There was still hope.

The next day when I got there he was waiting for me. He'd left his keys on the coffee tablet. In the brief glance I saw of them he'd put the key I'd give him on top, not mixed in the middle with the other ones to hide it. It might have been out of pure laziness but I noticed it just the same. He gave me a sheepish smile and I almost felt like I'd won.

That was the start of the slippery slope. Every day I woke up and tried to pretend that I was happy with this, that I could keep going on pretending this was enough.