NEVER CHEATED
(How the conversation should have gone…)
By: Emantsal
Standard Disclaimer: Bioware owns all rights to characters, places, etc. They just let me play in their sandbox once in a while.
Shepard paused and looked out over the scene before her. The Presidium Commons had been mostly repaired from the Cerberus attack some time back and most shops were again open for business, including the small café she was on her way to.
The crew was entitled to a little R and R. They all needed it after weeks of missions and kicking asses all over the galaxy. But at least she'd kept busy, falling asleep each night exhausted, no time to think. No time to remember. No time to…
Six months she'd been in lockdown. For her own safety as well as to placate the galactic community, the Alliance brass has said. But no communications? Nothing, on one able to reach her. No word…. She's almost gone insane…
It had been good to see Kaiden again, though. Even though he had treated her like shit the last time they'd met. Horizon… that had been such a cluster bang. One minute she's on the old Normandy, crazy in love with him, planning a wedding, babies, a house with a white picket fence… and the next?
She couldn't even think about the events of that day without feeling like her skin is trying to crawl away from her body….
Waking up alone, scarred… her mind and body screaming as the machines she'd been hooked up to had pump adrenalin into her veins to wake her up. A voice screaming at her to "get up!" "Under attack!" Training that was ingrained in her so deep she acted without conscious thought propelled her onward, even as she realized that something was wrong…
Two years… For her it was just yesterday that they'd stolen moments together, built dreams together, held each other... loved each other…
But for him, two years had passed, and he'd come to terms with her death and moved on, at least he'd said he'd tried to, anyway.
Seeing him on Horizon though… being called a traitor, each insult breaking her heart into a thousand tiny pieces, each cut stripping away the fragile hold she'd managed to achieve since… Since what? Being brought back to life? Returning from the dead? Waking up to the living nightmare that her life had become?
But then she'd met him, a dying man who only wanted to make the world a little better before he died.
She hadn't set out to fall in love again, but something with him had just clicked. Long talks shared over hot tea and strong coffee. Philosophy, history, religion… they'd talked and become fast friends before any thoughts were given to more.
She'd helped him find his son, and learned in the process that he'd been married… had a family… And she'd grieved with him when he spoke of his late wife and the events that had destroyed his family, his dreams.
She'd told him all about Kaiden and her dreams, and how they had died on Horizon. Together they'd gotten blind stinking drunk and taken out their anger at life's unfairness playing video games in the ship's lounge.
And somewhere along the line, she fell in love again.
But Thane was dying, and there was no cure for the disease that crippled his lungs. Beyond the point of an organ transplant, she could only watch as the disease progressed, could only make sure that the time they had left was spent with each other.
And then Hacket's call had come…
A mass relay destroyed, an entire colony of Batarians wiped out in a single instance... Nothing she'd done to fight the Reapers had mattered in the long run. Labeled a War Criminal, she'd been placed in lockdown with no communications from the outside.
It wasn't supposed to be like that. She'd turned herself in, at the request of Admiral Hackett and Captain Andersen. She'd upheld her end of the bargain, but Alliance brass had broken their trust.
For six months she'd had no word from Thane. Then the Reapers attacked and she'd been thrust back into the fight to save the galaxy. It had only been the hope of finding him that kept her going…
After leaving Earth, racing through the galaxy to rally support, Kaiden had at least tried to mend the fences between them. In the process, she'd begun to remember why she'd cared for him all those years ago.
He still cared for her, and she did still have feeling for him. And when he'd almost died on Mars, well, she'd known then and there that he still meant something to her.
And then the e-mail had come. Thane was on the Citadel, at Huerta Memorial Hospital and she couldn't get there fast enough… And then fate had taken him away from her, and no one, not even Garrus, had offered so much as a word of condolence. She'd stood for hours at the memorial wall on the Normandy tracing his name with her finger… But she had to keep going. There would be time to grieve when this was all over. His final prayer had been for her, for the strength to carry on and do what must be done…
And now… she was on her way to meet Kaiden for lunch. At first she'd refused, but he'd been persistent, knowing just the right things to say to get her to relent and unwind for a while. With the promise of good food and all the fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them she could drink…. Well, some things you just didn't pass up. Especially when you knew the Reapers were out there and today could be your last…
"Surprised this place could still get supplies for a menu like this," he said, eyes bright and smiling as she took a seat at the bistro table.
Grabbing a menu, she replied, "Maybe it's better if we don't ask how… or where."
Putting his menu down he looked into her eyes and said, "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."
"Things have been pretty crazy."
A waiter came over and placed a small bowl of mixed nuts and dried fruit in the center of the table, asking them to signal him when they were ready to place their drink order.
Kaiden leaned forward in his chair and regarded her with a solemn expression, hands clasp tightly in front of him. "You know my life flashed before my eyes on Mars, and… there weren't enough moments like this… with the people I care about."
"How are you feeling these days?" she asked, reaching for another handful of nut and fruit mix. She was happy they'd finally gotten past the mistrust and suspicion that had plagued them for so long. Genuinely happy that they had a chance to be friends again…
"Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me. And grateful I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax." His smile was warm and it reminded her so much of their time together before she'd died, before her world had turned upside down.
"Yeah. I think it's a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart. What are you drinking?" They needed to clear the air between them if there was ever a chance for more. She still had feelings for him, but they had changed. Thane had changed her, helped her understand that love wasn't something to be horded, that even though he still loved his dead wife, he also loved her with every ounce of his being.
"If you're trying to butter me up it might take a nice steak sandwich, too."
"So?..."
"Shot of whiskey and a good ole Canadian Lager. Think they have it?"
'More likely to have Batarian shard Wine," she quipped, picking the menu back up and looking at their drink selection. Maybe she'd start with a Screaming Zombie and work her way up from there….
Signaling the waiter, they both placed their orders before returning their attention to each other.
"At my parent place in Vancouver, drank more than a few beers on their balcony looking over English Bay. Yeah… Beautiful view…" he laughed softly, the memory clearly one of his favorites. "You know what though? I feel good about our chances."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Let's me sleep better at night."
"You not sleeping Kaiden?"
"Maybe a little restless…" he finally admitted after a few moments of silence. Moving to look her in the eyes he finished, "The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night… I wonder about us."
"Us?" A small candle of hope sparked to life in her heart.
With all the sincerity in the world he said, "I understand why you cheated, but I still love you, Shepard."
….understand why you cheated…
…why you cheated….
…..cheated…..
"What the hell are you talking about, Alenko?" she said, eyes snapping to his, the sudden steel in her voice causing him to sit back in his seat.
"I never cheated on you. We were not together. You made that very plain on Horizon."
The waiter chose that exact moment to deliver their drinks. Placing them on white napkins, he beat a quick retreat back to the bar area.
"Shepard, I didn't mean…." he paused a moment to collect his thoughts. "Seeing you on Horizon threw me for a loop. I thought I'd gotten over you. Put it behind me… But there you were, alive, wearing a Cerberus uniform. It was like something from a dream and a nightmare… And then I began hearing rumors about you and some assassin…"
"Cheating implies that I had an affair, that it was just a fling. I was in love with him, Kaiden. He was there for me when you weren't. He didn't care what uniform I wore…" She pushed away from the table and stood up. "You walked away from me Kaiden. The Alliance uniform meant more to you than I did. Never mind everything we'd been through. You didn't trust me and that hurt."
"What was I supposed to think, Jane?" he asked, standing himself, refusing to back down from her cold stare. "All the evidence pointed to Cerberus being behind the abductions. And there you stood with a Cerberus uniform on."
"I didn't have a choice," she bit out through clenched teeth. "The council, the Alliance? No one was doing anything so I made a deal with the devil. I even invited you along for the ride, but there was that pesky trust issue that got in the way."
"Damnit Jane, just listen to me for a minute!" he finally almost shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eye. "If it had been me that died that day on the Normandy, and you'd found me on Horizon wearing a Cerberus uniform, would you have seen the situation in only black and white? You're the one always preaching about shades of gray…"
If I'd been the one to die…
….the one to die…..
…to die…..
And then it hit her and she sagged under the enormity of it all. There was no tomorrow. There was only today, this moment…
"I'm sorry, Kaiden," she finally whispered, her shoulders sagging as if under an impossible weight. "I just… I just miss him sooo much…" Moving to sit back down she reached for her drink and downed it in one long pull. What if she lost him, too? Sure, he pissed her off, but she still had strong feelings for him… probably even loved him…
"Shepard… Jane… I'm sorry. I didn't know…" Her sorrow was his undoing. She was a strong woman, but even the strongest need someone to lean on once in a while…
"You met him, you know, at the hospital. He helped save the Council…" and I had to leave him lying there in a pool of his own blood because I'm Commander Fucking Shepard and the galaxy need saving, again… She shuddered and drew a quivering breath as memories threatened to overwhelm her.
Making a command decision, he called the waiter over and asked for some things to go, ASAP.
"Come on, Shepard." He would be there for her this time. If anyone in the world deserved a shoulder to lean on, it was her. "Let's take this to the park. I want you to tell me about the man that claimed Commander Shepard's heart. He must have been one hell of a guy…"
"He was. He was…" she finally replied, the wistfulness on her face hard to look at.
Finally meeting his gaze she continued, "I just… I never meant to hurt you, Kaiden. I just wanted you to know that what I had with Thane was real, as real as what we shared together before I died. It wasn't an affair, and I didn't do it to get back at you or any stupid thing like that… I never cheated on you."
"I know, Jane. And I'm sorry I came across like an idiot. Call me jealous. Call me stupid - "
"Jealous. Stupid." He saw the little twinkle return to her eye.
"Call me a guy still in love with you…" He held his breath and waited…
"A guy still in love with me…" Was that a smirk on her lips?
"Come on Jane. Throw me a bone here. I'm going down in flames…"
"I still love you Kaiden. I never stopped…" She took his hand and together with their now picnic lunch, they made their way down towards the Presidium lake.